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Today is the 13th of September. It is the birthday of Kaworu Nagisa. Sure it is his birthday, but something this year is different.
It had been about a couple of months since Shinji took the life of Kaworu's soul. Shinji had found out that the boy who was supposed to love him was an angel. Kaworu was supposed to be Shinji's enemy and Shinji was supposed to be Kaworu's enemy. In order to save the rest of humanity, Shinji had to do something he never wanted to do.
Shinji had to kill Kaworu.
In the first couple of weeks since Shinji killed Kaworu, Shinji had been nothing but depressed. Shinji started to make mini cuts to his wrists. He hated the wrists that made him kill Kaworu. Shinji also started to have multiple reoccurring thoughts about joining Kaworu. He hated the heartbeat of the person who killed Kaworu.
Shinji felt as if he wouldn't be able to live without Kaworu and he felt as if things would only get worse without him but he stayed alive anyway because Shinji felt like that's what Kaworu would want him to do.
Shinji believes that he should've died instead of Kaworu. What made it all worse was that he did not have anyone to talk to about his longing for Kaworu and his hatred of himself for killing him.
Sure he could just talk to Misato about it but when he first killed Kaworu, she told him afterward that "it was for the best" which made Shinji feel nothing but worse about what he had done. Shinji was aware that he had to kill Kaworu because it was for the best but he did not want to do it. Shinji couldn't even talk to Asuka about it because she was doing even more horrible than him.
Shinji didn't even want to talk about what happened to Rei.
Shinji was somewhat okay now but every once in a while, he'll have a mental breakdown or some dream about Kaworu. Ever since Shinji killed him, he has been dreading the day of Kaworu's birthday because he just knows his heart will break all over again. But today was the day, and he now had to go through the whole day knowing it was Kaworu's birthday..but especially knowing he, himself, was the one who killed Kaworu.
Shinji then stood in front of the oven as we watched the timer go off. Shinji decided to make Kaworu a cake since Kaworu would never get to have the experience of having his own birthday celebration since he was no longer alive. Shinji made a vanilla-flavored cake because he felt like Kaworu would absolutely love the flavor of vanilla if he was still here.
Shinji then took the vanilla-flavored cake out of the oven as he felt the heat rub against the scars on his wrist. As Shinji placed the cake on the table, he then set many candles on top of the cake for the age that Kaworu was supposed to be.
Shinji then lit up the spare lighter that Misato often uses whenever she wants a smoke. He then looked at the fire as it blazed out of the lighter. Shinji then suddenly had the urge to put the fire against his skin. Perhaps he deserved it for taking Kaworu's life away.
Then it hit him that Kaworu wouldn't want him to hurt himself like that. Especially on his birthday.
He then moved away the lighter from his wrist to the 16 candles on the cake waiting to be lit up. Shinji then lit up all the candles before sitting down in front of the cake. He then started to sing the happy birthday song in a low gentle voice.
As Shinji sang, he hoped that Kaworu would at least be able to hear from wherever he was. He especially hoped Kaworu was actually right next to him.
After Shinji was done singing, he then cut a piece of cake for himself and placed it on one of those paper plates they use for parties. As he took his first bite of cake, he was able to taste how delicious it was.
It then dawned upon him that Kaworu would absolutely love how the cake tasted. Even if the cake were to taste like shit, Kaworu would still love it.
Shinji then felt wet tears swell up in his poor tired eyes. He decided to keep the tears in as he ate his slice of cake little by little. Kaworu wouldn't want Shinji to cry on his special day. Kaworu wouldn't even want Shinji to cry in general.
After a while, the sun was now down completely unlike before.
Before Shinji knew it, it was now nighttime. Most of the lights around the house were off except for the spare lamps in the room. Shinji was just sitting on the couch in the living room staring into nothingness. Shinji was just thinking about Kaworu. He wasn't thinking about anyone else despite how much pain they were in too at the moment.
As Shinji turned around for some reason, he noticed just how dark it was outside. As he pulled over the curtains slightly, he also noticed just how many stars were out in the big dark sky. As he saw these stars, it reminded him of the first time he and Kaworu went stargazing together.
At first, Shinji felt like he wouldn't enjoy stargazing since..it was just looking at tiny bright spots in the sky but ever since that day, he would go stargazing whenever things felt like too much. Most of the time though, he would go stargazing with Kaworu by his side. Unfortunately, Shinji now had to do all the stargazing by himself from now on since Kaworu was dead.
Shinji then quietly wandered outside of the apartment to observe the bright stars in the sky. Shinji felt like if he were to give Kaworu a birthday present, it would be to take him somewhere where nobody would bother them and then they'd watch the stars.
As Shinji observed the sky and its stars, memories of the first time he and Kaworu went stargazing started to flood in completely. He also started to remember the sweet words Kaworu had told him and the way those crimson eyes stared at him that day.
Even though Shinji didn't want to do this on Kaworu's birthday, he began to cry. Shinji then covered his mouth with one of his hands as weak pathetic sobs escaped from his mouth into the night. Shinji wished the world didn't take the one person he truly cared about away from him.
Shinji wanted nothing but to see Kaworu.
Shinji missed Kaworu so much.
Shinji loved Kaworu as much as Kaworu once did.