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She knows she can be mean at times, and that Danny is her prime target for that sort of behavior. But what no one knows, and quite frankly she prefers it that way, is that being mean to her ex husband is her way of staying connected to him.
She can no longer show how much she loves and cares for him, she gave up that right when she filed papers. But she can make him twist just a tad. Get in a harsh word or two. It’s terrible, she truly knows that. But at least when she’s being a little horrid there’s a passion between them, and she sees a fire in his eyes that used to mean something.
And it hurts her too, his words in return, because Daniel’s no stranger to a well placed striking blow. But that feels good as well. Because she deserves it, she knows this. And sometimes she can turn that hurt, those feelings, into something that at least resembles the girl she used to be and what she used to feel whenever he was near. Breathless. Giddy. And a little scared. Although that has changed too, now hasn’t it?
She’s learned over the course of loving Danny that fear can be a powerful thing. She’s lived with it long enough in its many forms. Fear of him getting hurt. Killed. Fear of having to tell Grace her father is no longer here in this world.
Fear once upon a time of him figuring out she was the one not good enough and of him finding someone else who was.
She wonders at times if Stan knows. The way he looks at her with a slow tilting head and sad smile when she goes off on one of her Daniel tangents, or maybe he’s just feeling sorry for him, there’s a chance of that as well she supposes. But just in case, she raises her voice and gets more vicious just to prove that her hate is real damn it.
And for a few brief moments, she even believes it herself. She believes that she hates the bastard for all he’s done to make her life unbearable. For making her fear for his life, for making her want his love, for not fighting for what they had.
He should have fought.
Oh, she knows he fought for Grace, and she can’t begrudge the man that, for fighting for his daughter. She loves and admires him for it even. But she never felt he fought for her, for them.
And that’s all it would have taken for her to relent and let go of the anger that was constantly constricting her. And maybe then she would have toughed it out and tried to make it work.
She wonders at times what happened to that woman who was so determined to catch the man she loved at first site that she rammed her car into him of all things. A cop at that.
Maybe that girl is still in her, but she can’t afford to find out. Instead she buries her with cruel words and anger, relishing the look on his face when she digs too deep, cuts too wide. Or has her attorney do it, because she knows how he feels about that.
But when she turns her back on him, she can feel that girl rise up. Urging her to do something incredibly audacious to get his attention in a good way for once. Grab him and kiss him. Pull him close to whisper in his ear the things she used to know made him reel in lust instead of anger. Or maybe find him during some stake-out while he’s undercover and ram his stupid Camaro just to see if he’d notice her again.
He’d probably haul her off to jail this time, though. And she can’t have that, now can she?
She laughs at herself fairly often. The things that run through her head! If he could only hear her thoughts, he’d think she was off her rocker. Certifiable like that partner of his who she quite liked, thank you very much. He at least looked at her like she was real. Like she was in this world for reasons other than to make his life a living hell. Although she thinks she should probably be glad that Danny feels that way. She worked hard enough to achieve it, after all.
She cries a lot as well. When no one is around, of course. She can’t let Stan see, or worse yet Grace. And she’d quite frankly die rather than let Daniel see even a glimmer of tears in her eyes. But they are there all right, frequent at times even. More frequent than they have a right to be, although she’s been honestly trying to contain herself better of late.
She gave up that right as well, she supposes. Crying over Daniel Williams was a privilege. And she’s messed that up along with everything else.
She’s worked hard at stopping the tears, she just wishes she could get her heart to stop breaking every time that girl breaks free and she has to bury her right back again.
And she really hates that girl for loving him so.
~end~