Work Text:
I knew he had never really like me the moment we locked eyes and I let out that I am completely human. Unlike Hank, who has been hiding his mutation a secret from the CIA. His disdain is hidden behind a poorly covering mask. But the stolen glances and fleeting smiles were undeniable. When I showed them the facilities we were provided with by the CIA. When Charles had a go with Cerebro. When they had come back to bring in the new recruits.
Then we moved to the Xavier’s mansion. And the stolen moments became more. He seemed to have accepted my position in the X-men by then. If him openly smiling and joking with me were of any indication. Our time spent together increased until eventually, we spent more time alone than with any other X-men. But Erik clearly still had his apprehensions. We never told anyone about it. Him, a mutant and me, a human. Two beings, that in his eyes, are never meant to be together.
That does not change the fact that we exchanged kisses more than words. That we used every excuse we can think of to have time together without anyone disturbing us. That I love him, and he love me. Or at least, claimed to.
But the nagging dark thoughts in my head just solidified when I heard it from Charles, and from Raven’s mouth herself. They kissed. And Erik had seen her as someone who is beautiful. My eyes raked over her blue naked figure when the words had left her curled up lips. Jealousy fueled inside me. Of course, she is beautiful. Who am I compared to her?
We had a fight that night, right before Cuba. Charles had left us alone in the study room, being the only person who knew of what happened between us.
“And of course, why would the great Erik Lehnsherr ever like me, a human?” I had shouted to him.
“I never said that.”
“You don’t need to say it, Erik. It is clear in the way you talk about the future you have always wanted, or of your opinions about humans. It is clear when you kissed Raven and told her she is beautiful!”
“I do that to make her feel important!” his face had been red, of anger. I appreciate his beauty even then.
“Well, congratulations. You did a job well done. Because even I think she is important.”
I had left immediately after. Never bothered to look back at him as I walk out of the study. We didn’t even talk the day after, and Charles had smartly chosen to not comment on it.
Then again, I regret things had ended the way it did for us that day. For it wasn’t even him I had last seen. Because the man who I saw standing on the hot sand was clearly not him. The Erik I knew was sweet. Smiles until you can see almost all of his teeth, and his eyes barely so. The Erik I know holds love as passionate as his hatred to the world, but they colour his eyes soft instead of making them cold. And the Erik who stood in front of us was the exact opposite of all that.
The next few things that happened after were a complete blur. Charles was trying his best to stop Erik, but fell down to the sand in pain instead. I listened nothing to the conversation between him and Erik, and listened less when he said something to Raven. All I know by then was that both of them had left. Willingly. Leaving us on the beach. Charles holding back the pain on his back, and I stay silent as I hear my heart breaks.
I should have known I was only a fool to love him.
-
The sprinklers went off as we fight our way through the guards. I stand beside Charles when Erik stands in front of us. And I leave Charles’ side when I step forward to punch Erik.
Neither Charles and I say anything as we board the plane. I leave Charles alone when he told me he was fine. We stay quiet after that, though the tension in the air is unmistakable. I glance over to Charles from time to time, worried. He seems annoyed, wishing to be anywhere but here, but is holding it back just fine.
I sigh as I lean back on my seat across Logan. This mission is going to take a lot out of Charles, or even out of Hank and I. I can only hope it changes our lives back at the mansion for the better.
-
We had tried to pick up our lives as normally as we could afterwards. After Cuba. Charles tried his best to be optimistic still, despite having lost the use of his legs. Hank and I helped him with the complications now and then. We had let Moira go with no recollections of the X-men.
Charles had never said anything about me being just as human as Moira is, and so did any of the boys. So, I stayed. Not long after, both Alex and Sean left, against all of our wishes. The world was at war, and no one can stop it.
Nor can anyone stop Charles from spiraling down, drowned heavily in his sorrows. Despite him believing he is drowning them with the amount of alcohol he drank on a daily basis. Hank invested his time to create the serum, while I try my best to make sure Charles is still alive. It was the least I could do when I myself felt like dying as well.
It was during a chilly day when Logan came. Spitting out what sounds like nonsense to me. But then again, I stayed in a mansion with an alcoholic and drunk addict who used to be the most powerful telepath, along with a guy who turns blue and had decided to hide himself in the basement laboratory instead. I knew the look in Charles’ eyes then. He had given up on himself. But that doesn’t mean he gave up in making the world a better place.
And if going with Logan makes him of any use in making that dream a reality, then he will do so. Even if he has to save someone he used to call a friend and stop the sister who had abandoned him, broken in their used to be home.
-
The plane shaking should have been a clear sign to me what the conversation between Charles and Erik would have led to. Before I could stop it, both men are shouting at each other. Letting out their frustrations towards one another. The betrayal that had transpired between them. The regrets that hang unmentioned.
“You took her away from me!” the shout coming out of Charles startles me.
Erik takes a step closer to him. He opened his mouth and his next words shocks me. And if Charles have been as half sober as I am, he would be too. “You are not the only one who lost their loved ones that day, Charles,” Erik snarls.
I stand up to stop Charles from saying anything further. I tug his arm and bring him to the cockpit, where Hank is piloting the plane. Hank takes a brief glance, questioning eyes direct at me. I just sigh with a small head shake before going back to my seat.
I take a glance at Erik, who sit back at the sofa and crosses his arms. I say nothing as the same thought clearly floats in the air. Erik didn’t lose anyone he loved that day on the beach in Cuba. He chose to leave them behind. Leave me.
-
The trip to Paris had been a failure. Raven managed to escape and we went on another plane ride. To Washington this time. I refused to be in the same room as Erik any longer, and left him with Charles when I saw them starting a chess game.
I sat beside Hank throughout the entire time. I should have known by then things won’t go the way we planned it to at Washington. I should have known Erik would not have followed through with the plan. That he won’t change.
I look up at him, pass the debris from where I am. He floats himself above the ground, making him look like the god he must have envisioned himself as, with that ridiculous helmet perch on his head. I can’t hear a single thing he had said, nor do I think he heard me crying out for him.
I am stuck under the fallen concrete from the stadium he had lifted. Unable to move, yet forced to watch him leave us behind once again. By then, my voice refuses to come out. Not even to call out to him once.
I was a fool once again. You would have thought I learnt my lesson. But Erik is a drug no one can escape once they have a taste of his love. And I just happened to be his victim.
-
I can see the future Logan had promised coming to life little by little. Charles had willingly quit on alcohol and the serum. Though it was hard for him to do so, he had fought through it. The mansion is now not just a place for us three. Children come here to seek a safe place, just as how Charles dreamt it. And Erik had once too.
I smile slightly as I watch over the children playing in the field. They have a somewhat control of their mutations, and are now using them to play with each other. All except one boy. Who just laughs and run along with the others.
He turns to me with a wide grin and exclaim, “mum!”.
I crouch down and hug him tightly when he runs straight into me. I pull back to look at him and push back his hair that is sticking all over his forehead from sweat. His slightly curled brown hair and soft blue eyes resemble his father’s perfectly.
“Did you have a good time?” I ask. He nods excitedly without a word, but his wide smile is enough to confirm that. Before I can say anything else, I feel a touch in my mind before the voice comes in.
‘Get the children inside,’ Charles’ voice echoes clearly in my mind. I frown and projects the confusion I feel. ‘We have a guest.’
I turn to the kids still running around and call out to them, “alright, kids! Everyone, get back inside.” Groans and whines come out of every one of their mouths but they all follow inside anyway. I stand on the side, making sure all of them go inside before giving a nudge to my son to get him in as well. ‘Who is it, Charles?’ I ask telepathically as I wait for the children to go inside.
Despite Charles having complete control of his mutation back, I can feel the hesitation waving off of him before he answers back. ‘it’s Erik.’
I freeze in front of the door. I look down to where my son is looking at me, confused. ‘Oh no.’
'Yeah’, I can feel Charles wincing in my head, ‘this is not going to be much good, is it?’
-
It was weeks after the mission at Washington. I had made it with just a broken arm. Just. Hank nursed me throughout the healing process. During one of my checkups that he insisted on, he made a confused face when I mentioned I have been experiencing bad headaches and gut-wrenching nausea every day. I spared him the details of what happened when I actually did puke.
His concern grew when nothing changed after he gave me pills to help with the headaches. They lessen, but still persisted in happening. Even Charles had joined in on the checkup to help ease Hank’s growing anxiety.
That was when Charles had looked up at me, where I was sitting quietly on the steel medical bed. His face portrayed the disbelief and confusion he felt. That, and also he could barely control his projection at that time that I felt his emotions.
I frown, concerned and asked him was what wrong. He looked at me silently for a moment before he opened his mouth. “You’re pregnant,” he answered simply.
I saw Hank drawing a blank look at the corner of my eyes. I stared at Charles. I know even then that he knew who the father of the child is. After wrapping up the checkup, now that we know what the problem was, the three of us stayed silent.
I broke the tension just as how anyone would; by confessing that I slept with Erik the night we were in Paris. Though, judging by the slight mental shake I had and how blue Hank’s hands had turned, it probably wasn’t the right way to announce the father of the child I was carrying.
-
And now, the father is standing right in front of me. Looking like how he had been the first time I met him, but also completely different. This is another side of Erik that I never knew of. But then again, have I really known him?
He grew out his beard, his hair is slightly longer as well. He looks unkempt, but more relaxed this way. With a worn-out flannel and oil-covered pair of jeans. Probably from all the tinkering I can imagine him doing with machineries. With a mutation like his, it must have only been natural to do so.
I drown out whatever he said to Charles as I continue to stare at him. He seems so domestic, I can’t help but imagine if this is how he looked like; if only he had stayed.
Then, I snap out of my thoughts when I heard the words tumble out of his lips. My wife and daughter.
‘Calm down’, Charles chastises in my mind. ‘Do you need my help to get out of the room?’ I can feel his concern radiating.
I unclench my fists, that I didn’t even realise I was holding tightly, and relax my facial expression again. ‘I am fine, thank you,’ I assure Charles and project out my emotions to him. I can see him visibly relax in his chair while listening to what Erik had to say,
I look over again to Erik. Of course, he had a family of his own. He had always wanted one. I was just foolish enough to think I am able to give him that.
Charles held me close for the entire night afterwards, as I cry my heart out on his shoulder, while Erik probably sleeps soundly in his former room upstairs.
-
Life goes on as normally as possible. I stay away whenever I see even a shadow of the man who (still) holds my heart in a tight grip. And I now mostly avoid Charles’ office, where I know him, Hank and Erik usually meet up. That, and the basement laboratory.
I was just finishing up with cleaning after having breakfast with my son, and the rest of the rowdy children, when Erik walks in. His steps were silent. Damn him and his sneaking skills.
“Where is his father?” He starts.
“Whose father?”
“Your son.”
“How do you know he is mine?”
“I asked Charles about it.”
‘I hate you, Charles.’ I can feel an apologetic shrug but ignored it.
“You didn’t answer my question.” Soft blue eyes, slightly curled hair. What more proof do you want?
“He’s gone.”
He scoffed then, “and leave you with his child?”
“He did what he thought was best,” I instinctively defend Erik, to himself. Not that he knows that.
Erik narrows his eyes, clearly annoyed. The wrinkles beautifully carved around his eyes just makes me want to kiss him more. “The man abandoned you, with a child to take care of by yourself, and you still defend him?”
“Not everyone is full of hatred like you are, Erik.”
I leave him in the kitchen alone. My last argument is a lie. A lie I have refused to accept until then. After all, how can a man full of hatred built a family he loves dearly?
Life is cruel, that much I am sure of.
-
Charles had sent out a warning, in a form of gibberish thoughts. Apparently, the man is capable of being panicked beyond comprehensible. Though, with how seething Erik is in front of me now, this is definitely not the way I would have liked to know about Charles’ flaw.
“The child is mine, and you never once thought of reaching out to me to tell me about him?” the veins in his neck had popped out. Lining along it, wrapping around delicately. Oh, Erik. If only you knew how you shine with that passion of yours.
“You were gone, chasing your own ideals that clearly does not involve having a family. What makes you think I would have thought for a moment to tell you?”
“He is still my son. Does he even know I am his father?” I sympathise him for a second then.
“The last thing I want is for him to think his own father will never accept him just because he is born human.”
“I will never love him any less just because he is.”
I waved my arms wildly at that point. “God, did you even listen to yourself? He is not ‘less’, nor am I. And you have said - promised - the same to me years ago, Erik. You have promised me everything of you. And yet, your left! And you kept on leaving after. I will never let my son be around someone who can’t keep a promise as simple as staying with the one he claimed to love.”
“It is not that simple. Maybe for you, but not for me.”
I look at him, like the ridiculous person he is. “You are right, maybe it isn’t. But I guess you don’t want to work hard enough until it is.” My throat turned scratchy, and I no longer have the energy to shout out my words.
“You think it is easy? Having to stay when you leave. Having to watch you appear on screen and being called all of these names when I knew you as otherwise. When I have to go through every day with a child that is every bit of you, and who’s eyes remind me of yours. Then when you finally came back, I was silly enough to think you had done it willingly, but it is only because you need Charles’ help with the death of your wife and daughter. But I push through anyway. I had to. Because I hope that when he grows up, he didn’t have to go through what any of us went through. He needs his mother to be alive for that. And because there is still a small, foolish part of me that hopes for you to come back. Come back home to me.”
I didn’t cry in Charles’ arms that night. Instead, after tucking in my son to bed, I picked up one of the bottles of Charles’ I had snuck from the wine cellar up to my room. I deserve this, I kept on repeating to myself with every gulp. Whether that is a deprecating thought, or to ease the guilt of drinking alcohol when my son is just a door away, I am not sure myself.
-
With the truth out, I see no point in refusing to face Erik any longer. And it is harder when I can’t deny him contact with our son. It was during one of the mutants’ training sessions, where he had sat down on the sides to cheer on his friends. Erik, of course, saw this as an opportunity to approach him. It was only when the child had looked at me did Erik realized I was there as well, looking like he had been caught red-handed.
I said nothing. Erik took it as a yes. And they had been inseparable since.
Charles had asked me about it over our afternoon tea. In that careful, calculated way of his. I just answered back with what was obvious; Erik is his father, and had seemed keen in getting to know his only alive child. And I do not have the heart to deny him that.
But maybe I should have. Letting Erik do that will only give the impression to our child that he has a father. A father who is willing to stay for him. I should have known by now that that is not the reality. Not for our son, and certainly not for me. Because now, I am faced with the hard truth.
He had left early in the morning. While everyone is asleep. Without saying so much as goodbye.
Charles had tried to stopped him, of course, after sensing an awake mind. The ever-kind person he is. But Erik had insisted it was for the best. The only thing Charles could do at that point was to wait for me to wake up and pull me aside to deliver the news. I was devoid of words. Charles had to deliver the news to our son as well. Our son.
It had felt like a fever dream, and I would have believed it as such, if it weren’t for the metal ring placed on my bedside. A delicate, thin band that shines irresistibly. Just like its maker, no doubt. Nothing else on it as its surface is left smooth. Except for the ingrains on the underside.
I never love you less.
Fools, I echoed in my head when I had first read it. Not just me, I realised soon after. We both are.