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Hermes is a small ship.
That's something the entire crew was well aware of by the time they arrived on Mars. By then, the concept of having an entire planet’s worth of space with full gravity to walk around on was a welcome novelty. While the Hermes might have more privacy than the Hab, there really was no place to go and grieve in private that didn't quickly induce claustrophobia.
Johanssen has taken to wandering down to the gym at night. She hasn’t had insomnia this bad since her late teens, but every time she closes her eyes, all she can see is the blowing sand and debris from that storm, Watney’s last scream ringing in her ears. And she can only lay on her bunk for so long before the walls of her quarters start to close in on her.
The first night she went to the lab with the hopes of getting some work done, but the sight of Watney’s sample plants had been enough to close her throat and choke her up. She hasn’t gone back into the lab by herself after that. The Commander has taken to haunting the bridge on her free time, and the Rec was anyone's game. So that left her the gym.
She planned to run herself down, hoping physical exhaustion would be enough to overcome the crud in her brain keeping her awake, but instead she ends up sitting tucked into the corner by one giant Bay window, knees pulled up into her chest staring out into the vastness of space. It kind of becomes habit after that.
She gets away with it for about a week, getting just enough sleep to be functional around her crew, then slipping out of her quarters to go stare at the stars and try not to think. She's curled up, nose tucked into the sleeve of the sweater she stole and trying to pretend she can’t feel the cold, when a voice startles her out of her reverie.
"Johanssen?"
It's Beck, hovering at the top of the ladder into the gym. She fights the rush of shame that surges up, both at being caught sulking and at the fact that she's wearing his sweater, swiped off the back of his lab chair.
"Hey," she acknowledges and watches him slide the rest of the way down the latter.
"Trouble sleeping?" he asks, and he's got that professional edge that means he's asking half as the MO, half as her friend.
"I'm alright," she shrugs it off, but when he comes over to sit next to her, she does angle herself toward his warmth. Space is cold, and Jesus, he's always so warm.
"I miss him too," Beck says gently and she sighs.
"We all do," she responds, because it's not like she thinks she's alone in her grief. She just doesn't know how to process it.
He doesn't press her further, though, just sits with her in the dark and the cold, lets her lean against his side while she breaks a little inside. "Beth, when was the last time you slept?" he asks eventually, and now he does sound like her doctor.
"Too long ago," she admits and glances up at him when he pulls away to stand.
"C'mon," he offers, holding out a hand to pull her up. "I'll give you a sleep aid."
She wants to argue, claim she doesn't need it, that she's fine, but the safety of the ship and what's left of her crew depends on her alertness. One man down, they all need to be performing at their peak.
Beck doesn't let go of her hand until they reach the ladder, and she's following him up into the zero G and over into the labs, where he pops a couple of small blue pills out of a foil packet and hands them to her. "Takes half an hour to kick in, lasts about six," he explains, and she nods, swallowing them dry.
Johanssen hesitates outside the door into her quarters, and Beck stops with her, brow quirked in a silent question. She remembers the warmth of his body next to her, the silent strength of him, and starts to ask "Will you-" and then cuts herself off. That's way above and beyond the call of duty, and more than she has a right to ask of a friend.
But he takes her hands and replies, "Anything," so sincerely it makes her flush and spurs on honesty.
"Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?"
Beck just nods, whispering a quiet, "Of course," and follows her into her quarters.
She didn't really think it through, the crew quarters are tiny, which is the reason she was hiding in the gym in the first place. There's nowhere for him to sit, other than the bed with her, and suddenly that feels shockingly intimate. She honestly can't remember the last time she slept next to someone.
But he perches on the end of the bunk and pats the bed, giving her a dorky smile. Johanssen giggles in spite of herself, covering her smile with her hand, and Beck just smiles back. "C’mon. I'll stay until you fall asleep."
That first night she falls asleep with his hand a warm weight on her ankle and his slow, steady breath drowning out the phantom screams in her ears.
____
The next time Beck finds her hiding out in the gym, she's actively crying. She's held off the good, solid sobbing cry this long, but they received a pack of condolence letters in today's data dump, and grief had finally broken through the numbness when she'd laid down to sleep.
To his credit, Beck doesn't try to ask her if she's alright or get her to talk about it. He just settles on the floor next to her and folds her into his arms, resting his cheek on top of her head and letting her cry herself out.
"How’d you know I was up?" she asks once she can get in a solid breath.
"I wasn't asleep," he answers with a shrug. "I heard your door open."
Johanssen nods, looking up to the ceiling, and swallows down the threat of another flood of tears. Beck makes a soft sound which might be her name, might just be something meant to soothe, and reaches up to wipe the tears off her cheeks. It's shockingly tender, makes her breath catch, makes her want to crawl into his lap and into his arms and hide there instead.
It also makes it impossible to hold back the next wave of tears, and she turns to curl into his side, hiding her face in the softness of his sweater.
It's not until his voice catches on a whispered, "I'm here, I g-got you sweetheart," that she realizes he's crying too.
The cold of the bay window starts to get to her before she's really cried out, shivers shaking her slight frame, and Beck holds her closer. "Stay with me tonight?" he asks, and she knows if she says no he’ let her go.
She doesn't say no.
Curling up in his bunk, back to his chest and his strong arm around her waist, is crossing a line that simply sitting together hadn't. But with his breath soft against the back of her neck, his warmth seeping into her bones, she can't bring herself to care.
"Thank you, Chris," she whispers into the dark, and if he kisses her shoulder in response, no one but the two of them has to know.
The next morning she steals the sweater he slept in, and feels secretly happier than she has since they left Mars behind.
____
Johanssen finds herself gravitating towards him more now, falling into his orbit if they happen to be in the same room. She knows she needs to be careful, that while they haven't broken any regulations yet, they're toeing the line. The entire crew is subdued, which is not surprising really, but they're all doing their best to keep their good humor up, and he makes her smile. God, he makes her smile.
The next time sleep escapes her, she spends about 5 minutes pacing the hallway outside the crew quarters before buzzing on Beck's door. He's wearing reading glasses when the door opens up, and she hides a giggle behind her hand, because he looks adorable. He rolls his eyes at her, but steps back to let her in without question, and she lays down to curl up against his chest and watch him flip through something on his tablet.
"What are you reading?" Johanssen asks and he tilts the screen towards her. She knows enough about biology to recognize the string for an amino acid and she snorts softly. “Nerd.”
“Would it be better if I was playing an obscure game from 1980?” he asks blandly and she pokes him in the side.
She drifts to sleep before he’s done reading, the light in his quarters dim enough for her to drift off. She wakes up before lights up the next morning and Beck’s still on his back, arm around her, even though she knows he prefers to sleep on his side. He hadn’t wanted to wake her, she realizes, and that makes something complicated and pleased wriggle around in the pit of her stomach.
It’s such a confusing thing, Johanssen thinks, falling in love with one person while mourning another.
She lays her head back down on his chest, letting herself drift to the steady beat of his heart until the lights start to come up. Then she slips out of his arms, brushing a soft kiss to the creases that appear on his brow as his unconscious mind notices she’s gone. She has just enough time to slip into her own room before duty call.
____
Watney’s alive.
Mark’s alive and stranded, and there’s nothing any of them can do to help him.
But he’s alive.
Beck catches her wrist that night as they leave the lounge, a fleeting touch but enough to be a request, one he never makes. She slips out of her quarters as soon as she feels safe doing so, and finds him pacing the confined space of his own.
“I told Commander Lewis he was dead,” Beck says as soon as the door is shut, resuming his pacing. “I told her he was dead, that he couldn’t have survived decompression, I made her come back.”
“No one can make Commander Lewis do anything,” Johanssen points out, and when he paces by her again she reaches out for him, halting him. She’s too slight to hold him properly, but she can slide her arms around his waist, tuck in close and offer what comfort she can. “This isn’t your fault, Chris. It’s not any of our fault.”
He stands stock still for a minute, then melts into her, arms coming up to circle her shoulders, hold her close against his chest. “I don’t know what I would have done without you, these last couple weeks,” he says thickly, and Johanssen lets out a wet laugh because really. She feels like all she does is take comfort from him. She’s starting to suspect now that having someone to care for is what he needed.
“Please stay,” he whispers into her hair, and she’s already nodding before he even gets the words out.
“I was planning to,” she replies, and it’s true. Sharing a bunk might be cramped, but being close to him is hardly a bother. She’s starting to hate sleeping alone.
They fall asleep face to face that night, pressed chest to chest and legs tangled. She can feel the rhythm of his breath through her entire body, and when she slides her hand up the back of his shirt, seeking the heat of his skin, he holds her impossibly closer.
He whispers her name on an exhale, a whispered, “Beth,” like a supplication, and the truth is she’s had sex less intimate than this. Pretending they still haven’t stepped over the line, somehow, feels pointless in the face of this, and she aches to be kissed. But he’s already falling asleep, breath evening to a slow, steady pace.
She thinks of Watney, of isolation, and curls her fingers against Beck’s skin, and is quietly grateful for how not alone she is.
____
They each get an email from Watney, after their chat via Martinez, and Johanssen isn’t sure if she wants to laugh or cry reading hers. He calls her a nerd, repeatedly, and threatens to give her a wedgie when he sees her again, and it’s all so Watney that it chokes her up. He also tells her that Lewis had threatened all the boys with kicking them off the mission if they hit on her, and that makes her glance shyly over at Beck, who’s across the Rec reading his own letter.
He slips into her quarters before lights out that night, while she’s still finishing some systems work on her laptop. She’s used to Beck in her space by now though, and just tucks her cold feet under his thighs when he slumps at the foot of her bed, and finishes the piece of code she’s fixing. His hand comes down to curl around her ankle, finger slipping up under her leggings to stroke the skin of her heel, and Jesus, even a touch that simple makes her shiver.
Beck’s watching her, a look of quiet contentment on his face, when she finally shuts down her laptop. “Hi,” she whispers shyly, and he breathes hi back into the quiet room.
“Mark says I need to tell you how I feel about you,” Beck starts, and his finger moves a slow circle around the bone in her ankle. “That if I don’t, I’m gonna regret it forever. He also told me to wait until we got home, but...” he trails off into a chuckle, and her heart climbs into her throat.
“He told me that Lewis threatened to kick you guys off the team if you hit on me,” she responds back, and Beck nods seriously, looking up at the ceiling.
“She did. And I wouldn’t, not. Not the way she meant, anyway,” and Johanssen knows that, she does, it’s part of why she’s always felt so drawn to him. He’s never been anything but sincere in his affection for her. “But you gotta know I love you, Beth. I would never forgive myself, if something happened, and you didn’t... didn’t know that.”
“I know,” she says softly, scooting closer to him when he looks back down at her. “I do know that.”
“Okay,” he murmurs, and she wants to give him the words back, feels them in her chest but they get stuck in her throat. She crawls into his lap instead, settling on his thighs and loops her arms around his neck.
“Stay with me?” she asks, and it’s not what she should say, but it’s all she can manage, and it still makes him smile at her like she’s the best thing he’s ever seen. Beck’s hands come up to cup her waist, under the loose material of her open hoodie, big and warm against her thin shirt.
“I was planning to,” he returns, and when she smiles, he pushes up to kiss her softly. It’s a fleeting thing, the warmth of his skin and his breath, sweet pressure and suction and then gone, but it’s enough to make her whole body shiver and she knows he can feel it.
She leans in the second time, chasing the heat of him, and when he sucks lightly on her top lip she gasps, opening up for him. His tongue slips against hers on a teasing caress, and she has to break away to catch her breath, feeling heat start up in her core, and that. That’s not a line she’s sure she’s willing to cross yet.
Beck’s hand comes up to cup her cheek and when he whispers, “God, you’re so beautiful,” it sounds revenant. She buries her face in the crook of his neck and lets herself bask in the feeling of being loved.
___
Johanssen stays pretty quiet during the discussion about going back for Watney or returning to Earth. Beck wants to do it, he’s eager to voice as much and she can see if from the way he’s sitting forward at the edge of his seat. But her and Beck, they’re the only ones without families waiting for them back on Earth, who don’t have to face the idea of not seeing their partners or their children again for another year. She knows she can crawl into his bed tonight and seek touch and closeness and comfort, and that makes her feel like she has less stake in the decision.
She’s not surprised though, that they all choose to go back for Watney. They are a crew, after all, and friends besides. They’d all risk their lives to save each other. Beck catches her as they leave the Rec, tugs her down the deserted shaft towards the airlock with that dorky crinkly grin on his face, and kisses the air out of her lungs as soon as they’re alone.
“They’re gonna see us,” she protests, jerking back, nearly sending herself into a tailspin in the zero gravity. He catches her, still looking like a giddy school boy, and she loves him, God, she loves him.
“I know. I’m just happy,” Beck replies, like it wasn’t grossly obvious and she laughs, kissing him fleetingly, before turning and propelling herself back towards the lab, aware of him watching her the whole time.
The computer hack is challenging and honestly more fun than the routine maintenance she’s been doing most of this trip. It’s only once they’re safely on the new course and a few days from Earth that Commander Lewis approaches her, face blank behind the steely facade of command, and explains the contingency plan. It makes sense, she thinks through the dull tinge of shock and horror, and she almost throws up and she almost starts crying right there, and when Commander Lewis excuses her from her duties for the rest of the day, she retreats to her hiding spot on auto pilot.
Johanssen’s not even sure how long she spends staring out into the stars. It’s easy to lose track of time on a spaceship, and the shock’s hitting her hard enough she’d probably be losing time anyway. It’s only when she feels the familiar warmth and weight of Beck settling down next to her that she realizes it’s past lights out. But she can’t look at him, not now, not when she might have to –
His hand rubs a wide circle against her shoulders, warm palm spanning her back, and when he says, “If only one of us is going to survive, I’m glad it’s you,” she nearly throws up again.
“I can’t,” she moans quietly and tries weakly to resist him tugging her close. It doesn’t last, and she slumps against his chest, sobbing. God, she feels like all she does is cry on him. “I can’t, Chris. I can’t do this.”
“You’re strong as hell and more resilient than you think,” he promises, rubbing his hand the full length of her spine. “Though I hope you don’t have to, believe me.” And she clutches at him, horrified and scared, and she loves him, how is she supposed to–
“Beth,” he says softly, cupping her cheek and making her look at him, and says with all the sincerity in his dear sweet heart. “I want you to live.”
“I love you,” she mumbles out, and he smiles, leaning forward to kiss her forehead.
“I know. I know you do.”
____
She watches him make the supply rendezvous from the bay windows in the Rec. He sees her there, blows her a kiss from behind the helmet of his EVA suit, and she feels terror and hope like she hasn’t since the first time she ever flew.
The dock with the probe goes off without a hitch, and Johanssen’s so relieved she nearly melts into hysterical laughter right there in the Rec. She’s got systems checks to make, they need to make sure the drive computer doesn’t short out during their slingshot around Earth’s gravity well, but she stops off at airlock to grab Beck by his face and kiss him stupid.
He looks a little stunned, and she knows Commander Lewis will be coming by to do an inventory of the contents of the probe, so she heads up to the bridge as fast as she can, but she still feels drunk with relief, like there’s champagne bubbles popping under her skin.
She doesn’t even bother to go back to her own quarters on her private time that night, just slips into Beck’s to wait for him. He’s reviewing the new medical supplies they’d received, tablet still in his hand as he steps into the room, reading it absently. She pins him to the door, nearly starts giggling at his noise of surprise, and kisses him and kisses him and kisses him until she feels like her legs are going to melt.
“Beth,” he moans against her lips, and she can feel him getting hard against her stomach, and god she doesn’t care about lines or regulations anymore. She feels ridiculously, utterly alive, and she wants him. She pulls back to tug off the hoodie she’d stolen from him and the shirt she’d been wearing underneath, and he looks at her like she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
“C’mon,” she breathes, reaching out and tugging him forward, and he laughs, breathless and delighted as she pulls him down onto the bunk on top of her, cradling him between her thighs and arching up for a kiss.
They do their best to be quiet as they tear down all the walls between them with fingers and mouths. He slips down to kiss hotly between her thighs until she breaks, then loses himself in the feel of her small hand on him. She wants more than this, she desperately does, but she’s not lost all capacity for reasonable thought. They’ve still got another year left on this trip, and it’s not like NASA sent up some condoms in this resupply. They’re so far out of regulation here that they need to be responsible for themselves.
But even this, Johanssen thinks as she curls against his naked chest and listens to his heart rate slow. Even this is enough, to be close to him is enough, to be able to touch and kiss. She feels blissfully happy, here in the darkness of space.
___
They both think they’ve manage to be subtle about it all until Martinez's bunk starts trying to cook him, and Lewis tells Beck to give up his bunk since he’s with Johanssen every night anyway. Beck looks chagrinned and Johanssen feels a little like curling up and dying from embarrassment, especially when Martinez makes a crack about the million-mile-high club, but there’s admittedly some relief in not having to hide anymore.
It is, after all, a small ship.
They maintain their professionalism, but she doesn’t have to wait until lights off for him to slip into her room anymore, can sit there doing systems checks with him reading against her side, dorky glasses on his nose and the door wide open.
Sometimes their crewmates stick their heads in to rib them gently, but she'll take it. She'll even enjoy it.
Things start wearing down all over the ship on the return to Mars, and that’s enough to keep them busy in addition to the new tasks NASA has assigned. They are effectively replacing the Ares 4 mission, so command wants to make the most of it.
They've also been in space longer than any humans in the history of space travel, so NASA has Beck monitoring their health much more closely than he had on their first round. Despite the artificial gravity in areas of the ship, muscle atrophy is always a risk, as is lack of vitamin D, to say nothing of radiation poisoning. It's keeping him busy, but Johanssen can tell he's excited about it as well. He's dedicated his life, after all, to studying the effects of space travel on the human body, and he will likely never get an opportunity like this again.
She tracks him down to the lab one night when he fails to turn up for bed, and finds him sitting hunched over the microscope at his station.
"You're going to hurt you neck," Johanssen says gently, running her hand down his back and going up on her toes to kiss the top of his spine. She settles in close, wrapping her arms around his waist and he sighs, straightening up and settling back against her.
"You're right," Beck admits. "I just noticed some unusual mitochondrial activity and I want to figure it out before it stops."
"Kay," she says sleepily and then untangles herself to head over to her own desk.
"Beth, you don't have to wait," he says earnestly, and that makes her smile. "Go get some sleep."
"I'm alright," she replies, and she is, settling down to work near him in comfortable silence.
Eventually though, the letters of code start to blur together and she begins to nod off. Instead, she sets her laptop aside and rests her head on folded arms, watching him work.
"What are you going to do when we get back to Earth?" she asks sleepily and Beck smiles over at her.
"Assuming I don't get court marshalled?"
"Assuming," she agrees magnanimously, and he laughs at her.
"Go find a beach to sit on for a while," he muses thoughtfully. "Read some new books. See my sister. Then probably try to continue my research."
"Sounds nice," she says sleepily, imagining warm sand and sunshine. Imagining not constantly being cold and the sunlight on Chris's skin.
"We'll get there," he promises, and she smiles. She likes the sound of that. We.