Chapter Text
Castiel was sick and tired of learning human things. He'd been in Jimmy Novak's vessel for years now without any issues, but since Jimmy's soul had moved on to Heaven he was having all sorts of problems. It was strange owning his own vessel. He now had his own human body, and all the quirks that came along with it.
He still didn't have to eat or drink, but when he had too much coffee with the Winchesters, he had to urinate. It was maddening to have to pause what he was doing to go empty his vessel. Sometimes it would hit him mid-conversation and he would have to rush off to the closest restroom he could find. It was even more infuriating when he was out in public and he had to actually run instead of transporting himself there.
He didn't have to sleep, but he suddenly found that there were times he just felt better after a good nap.
And shaving! He had never shaved in his life, yet suddenly his hair was growing. If he didn't shave every other day he would have a full beard in a week. He hated the feeling of anything more than day-old stubble, even though Dean had tried to convince him that a little stubble was attractive. He was used to his face being smooth and clean. Maybe he was being too... what had Dean called it? Anal.
Showering. Now that was a strange one too. He started showering when he first started noticing wetness around his armpits and the occasional smell that came with it. Dean had taken him to the pharmacy and helped pick out deodorant as well. It was humiliating having such little control over his own body. He hated having to think about all of these insignificant things when he had more important things to do. Surely he could use his Grace to empty his bladder, disintegrate the hair on his face, or clean himself up. However, with the frequency at which these things needed done, it seemed wasteful to drain his Grace every day on silly human tasks.
Perhaps the most frustrating thing was how a certain part of his anatomy now stood at attention almost every morning, and sometimes more often than that. He had blipped into the bunker's garage as Dean was washing the Impala the other day and almost immediately it rose to greet him. The sensation felt strange and foreign, and it made his pants feel snug and uncomfortable. He had no idea what to do about it. He tried to make it go down with his Grace once, and it did, but it still felt weird. Besides, it was happening more and more often lately and he couldn't keep wasting his Grace on something so trivial. The worst part was, today Dean noticed.
"Uh, Cas. Tell me you've got something big in your pocket," Dean choked as he slid out from under the Impala and glanced up at him.
Cas looked at him curiously. "I always have my angel blade in my coat, you know that."
"Not exactly what I meant there, Casanova," he sighed, "You wanna go take care of that monster? I can't have you sitting here watching me when you're all... like that."
"Like what?"
"That! The tent in your pants. Go do something with it! Look, the new copy of Busty Asian Beauties is on my bed. Take it in the bathroom with you if you want. Just... do something with it."
"I'm not sure what you want me to do with it, Dean," Cas said flatly. "It just does this on it's own lately. I've tried making it go down with my Grace but it still feels... odd."
"Fuck," Dean muttered under his breath. "First the showering, then the shaving, now I've gotta teach him about being horny?"
"What was that, Dean?"
"Nothing," he sighed. "It's called being aroused, Cas. Just... touch it or something."
Cas squinted skeptically and placed a hand on his groin.
"Not here!" Dean yelled. "Somewhere else. By yourself."
Cas huffed and wandered up to Dean's bedroom where he crashed down on the bed in a grumpy mood. Dean didn't even want him around while his vessel was malfunctioning like this. Yes, human things were confusing and exhausting. He tucked Dean's pillow under his chin and curled up in a ball, wishing he could make all of this just go away.