Chapter Text
‘Hanbin hyung! Hanbin hyung!’ Matthew shouted after Hanbin who walked down the stairs and out on the road, ignoring his voice.
Matthew felt frustrated. He sprinted towards Hanbin, catching his arm and turning him around after reaching him. The older shrugged away his hand, pulling back. Hanbin made a move to turn back and walk away again when Matthew grabbed his forearm firmly, stopping the older from leaving.
‘Matthew, please, don’t.’ Hanbin said, stilling in his struggle. He could feel his voice choking and a repeat of the last few minutes stuck in his head on a loop. Matthew had announced he was dating… Dating someone that wasn’t him. Dating someone that wasn’t Hanbin. It felt surreal still, thinking that was happening now. That Matthew had moved on and fallen for someone else while he could never. He had known it in his head, right from when he first noticed Matthew’s gaze shifting to someone else. But his heart hadn’t wanted to acknowledge it. Even as he saw them falling for each other, a small ray of hope still lingered in his heart that maybe, maybe it was all a phase or something casual. Maybe Matthew loved him still… That maybe he still had a chance.
‘Don’t you dare turn your back on me again Sung Hanbin! Don’t you fucking dare leave this time! Don’t you fucking…’ Matthew shouted out in English, breathing heavily as he could feel tears prickling the corners of his eyes.
Hanbin stood still, feeling as if someone had emptied a basket of ice-cold water on him. The words hit him hard, like a slap to his face. Looking at Matthew, he could see the emotions play out the same way they had a few years back. Everything felt too similar. Him, running away, Matthew, stopping him from leaving, begging him not to go. He hadn’t listened back then. Nothing had registered back then, not Matthew, the younger’s plea, nothing. He had left, leaving Matthew all alone, crying. He hadn’t been able to bother about that back then. Now, it just hit him in one sweep. The similarity was too uncanny. And even when his own heart was breaking apart, a glance at Matthew’s broken expression made him shatter. Suddenly, everything came down, all at once. His guilt, his mistakes, their past, their present, their hearts and how they hurt each other even when they loved each other so much. It felt a little too much to bear for Hanbin’s heart.
‘Matthew, I…’ Hanbin said, feeling out of sorts. What was going on? Why was this nightmare repeating again? Why were they hurting again? Hanbin thought they had left the hurt behind but maybe they didn’t. Maybe the karma was coming back to bite him in the ass.
‘You don’t get to leave again Hanbin hyung! You don’t. Not after you promised me, we’d debut together, we’d perform on the same stage. Not when we finally have made it till here. Not now. You don’t get to run away or leave me, or the team. Not when everyone’s counting on you. You don’t get to quit just because I am fucking dating someone else. Not this time around!’
‘I… Seokmae…’
‘No. No hyung! You don’t get to have it your way this time. You don’t get to run away or avoid me or cut me off this time. Not because I’m dating someone else and you couldn’t handle it, again. Not when you fucking left me and everything we built back then just because you could neither own up to your feelings nor see me with anyone else. You don’t get to call quits this time. You don’t.’ Matthew said, as clearly as he could when his throat felt raw and constricted. He felt his legs give out as he fell down on his knees. The sheer force of feeling ‘deja vu’ of a time he never wanted to remember or revisit, was enough to knock him down.
Hanbin stood there motionless, rooted to his place. He didn’t think Matthew knew. He didn’t think Matthew knew it all, knew him so damn well inside and out, past and present. Hanbin was a fool really, thinking like that. If someone knew him better than even himself, it was Matthew. Of course, he’d know. It should’ve been obvious that Matthew could read between the lines of the cryptic book that was Sung Hanbin’s heart. He should’ve guessed but never did. That Matthew knew he loved him back then but never had the guts to own it up. That Matthew knew Hanbin left because of him, among other reasons. That Matthew knew Hanbin loved him now. Hanbin should’ve known or had suspicions at least. But he somehow never did. Sung Hanbin was a fool after all.
Flashback
‘Hanbin hyung!’ Matthew called out, hurriedly discarding his shoes at the entrance of their dorm. He was panting, having run the way to the dorm after he had heard the news.
‘Hyung!’ He called out for the older, searching through the dorm in a flurry. He finally stumbled upon his hyung and best friend in the closet all the trainees shared. Though he didn’t think he’d ever see the scene that he stumbled upon. Hanbin was furiously packing his clothes, dumping them in his bag. The older stilled for a second as Matthew entered the room, hands freezing, before he continued again as if Matthew wasn’t even there.
Matthew felt heartbroken. Nothing made sense anymore. It was just a day back that they were practising together in the studios, learning new choreographies. Things were tense; they had been for a few weeks since the rumour of their group being scrapped came up. But no official notice was put up so it wasn’t like it was really happening. They were still practising the new choreos and had vocal training classes. Their schedule was fuller than ever. Not everyone but theirs was; the top 10 in the trainees including Hanbin and him. They might debut together sooner than never. That’s what Matthew hoped and what drove him to get out of bed every day.
He had a day off yesterday and had gone to see his boyfriend. They had gone out on a date and when the other had asked, Matthew stayed the night. He hadn’t thought too much about it. He felt bad because a part of him wished he was spending this time together with his Hanbin hyung, just like they always had. But, things weren’t the same. The older had distanced himself from Matthew; subtly but surely. They hung out less outside the practice and talked lesser than they used to. Hanbin was having an emotional crisis, which was further fuelled by the rumors of their project being scrapped. Hanbin had put too much into this. They all had.
Matthew had tried to reassure him and comfort him on several occasions. Somehow, nothing seemed to work out. It hadn’t been for a while now and Matthew was worried. He was worried that the whole trainee thing and pressure were putting a strain on their friendship. But he was more worried about Hanbin. The older was looking worse with every passing day. Matthew wanted to comfort him but it was like there was a wall between them now; something which had never existed before. Hanbin just… Matthew had tried. But things just weren’t going smoothly.
Matthew had seen it coming, had felt it in how Hanbin and their interactions had changed. It had started the time when Hanbin wouldn’t climb into the bed to wake him up by pestering him. Or how they didn’t really hold hands all the time anymore. Or the way Hanbin’s smile didn’t reach his eyes the way it used to. It had felt weird but Matthew had shrugged it off. They were all exhausted and tired and there was not plenty of time to ponder over every single thing. But then, gradually, Hanbin stopped waking him up, holding his hands, or having skinship with him at all. Things just changed. That was the start of it all.
That is how he ended up letting Wonjin kiss him on his way home that one night. Lee Wonjin, a fellow trainee from another trainee, who was close friends with one of the older trainees at Matthew’s company. He knew Wonjin liked him; had known for some time. But Matthew never let it go far. He always had eyes for Hanbin and Hanbin only. And he always had Hanbin around with him. But then, suddenly, he didn’t anymore. Not in the way he wanted. Not in the way he craved it. So he caved in. Let himself fall for Wonjin.
Wonjin was nice to him. Full of praises and smiles and warmth. Wonjin wanted him and the older made it clear that he did. There was no uncertainty or confusion or fear of being left alone with his unrequited love. There was no fear of being left, of being abandoned. Wonjin adored him and he made sure to show it. Wonjin wasn’t afraid to fall for him, to date him, to tell the world. Wonjin wasn’t afraid to hold his hands or kiss him. Wonjin wasn’t afraid of showing his affection. Hanbin was. Hanbin hadn’t been for a long time but suddenly he was. There had been no line between Matthew and Hanbin but now suddenly there was. A line drawn cut and clear. There was no such thing with Wonjin.
But Matthew had still held on. Yes, his love was not reciprocated. But that wasn’t all that was between Matthew and Hanbin. There was their friendship; the founding stone of their relationship with each other. They were not lovers and maybe they could never be. Matthew had feelings that Hanbin couldn’t reciprocate. Matthew understood it. He knew this was no Canada and how he and Hanbin had been raised was worlds apart. So, he understood. But, before anything, they were friends. They were best friends. They were each other’s lifeline. That’s how deep their bond and love for each other ran. But somehow it wasn’t enough. Not when Hanbin had decided to leave the company without telling him.
Matthew had always been worried about their future. Things had been uncertain since the moment he left home. Things were tough. But then came Hanbin with his bright light and smile that made Matthew feel alive as well. Hanbin embraced him with all his good sides and flaws. Hanbin held his hands together and guided him through it all. Hanbin had held him, promising him that they’d debut together. That they’d stand on the same stage and perform locking eyes with each other and sporting big smiles. Hanbin had assured him over and over till Matthew began to believe that that was how things were gonna be. So it broke his heart into million pieces when he heard Hanbin was leaving from someone else. Moreso when he saw Hanbin pack his clothes without even acknowledging his presence. Hanbin was going away, without a word. If Matthew hadn’t come back earlier than intended, he wouldn’t have found out about it till it was too late. He’d have been home and would have found Hanbin gone. Just like that.
And somehow, that hurt a thousand times more than knowing Hanbin couldn’t love him back like he did.
Hanbin zipped up his bag, throwing it up on his shoulder, and made his way past Matthew, out the door. Matthew was stunned, feet moving on its own, following the older out.
‘Hyung. Hanbin hyung! Hyung where are you going?’ Matthew called out to no response. ‘Hanbin hyung! What the fuck happened?’
‘I’m leaving.’ came a clipped reply which stung more than Matthew wanted to admit.
‘Why? What happened?’
‘I can’t do this anymore Matthew.’ Hanbin snapped back, turning to look at him. The empty blank look in his eyes made Matthew inhale sharply.
‘Hyung… Why didn’t you say anything? Let’s talk, ok? I’m sure we can figure something out. We just…’
‘Don’t. I’ve made up my mind.’
‘But hyung! What about us? We are gonna debut together. Why are you leaving?’ Matthew asked, trying to keep himself calm and composed. He has had phases as well where he wanted to leave. Hanbin had been there for him all those times. It was his turn now. If Hanbin was hurting, if it was hard for him, then Matthew was gonna be there for him.
‘Matthew, there wasn’t ever an ‘us’. There couldn’t be.’
That had been the final blow. The words coming out of the older’s mouth shattered Matthew inside. All the hope, their dreams, anything that was left, everything that Matthew was trying to hold on to, evaporated away. Hanbin turned around, walking out the door as Matthew felt his legs give out, falling to the door. He couldn’t move, eyes trained on the empty spot as tears strolled down his face.
Hanbin had left. Hanbin left. Their dreams. Their promises. Hanbin left Matthew.
End of Flashback
~~~~~
‘Seokmae…’ Matthew felt hands wrap around him as he cried his heart out, sitting on the hard cold concrete road. Matthew couldn’t help but burst out crying even more as he felt Hanbin all around him, wrapping him like a warm blanket. He cried and cried; till he couldn’t anymore.
Hanbin held Matthew tight. Feeling Matthew shaking and crying, hearing the rawness and pain in the younger’s voice was enough to demolish him. Hanbin never wanted to hurt Matthew, ever. He never wanted to make the younger cry. But somehow, he always ended up doing just that. Back then and now as well. He couldn’t turn back the time and undo all the hurt but he could try and own it up this time. He didn’t get to run away this time. Matthew didn’t deserve that. No, he would hold Matthew this time.
So Hanbin held the younger even when tears rolled down his cheeks; even when his heart was being ripped apart. That’s what they both got.
‘Machu…’ Hanbin said in a soft voice when he felt Matthew’s tears subside. The younger moved in his hold before pulling Hanbin’s hand away from him.
Hanbin looked down to be met with Matthew’s eyes; red and raw. A cold and empty expression had settled in the younger's eyes, piercing Hanbin with an intense gaze. Matthew made a move to stand up and Hanbin followed him.
‘Let’s go somewhere we can talk hyung.’ Matthew said in a cold decisive voice as he turned around and walked towards their building. Hanbin had no option but to follow the younger.
Matthew took them to the roof of their building, settling on the ledge. Hanbin paused for a moment, feeling reluctant. But he knew he was in no place to say anything. He had never seen Matthew like this. So calm and cold, kind of ruthless even. It is said that the liveliest person is scariest when they get angry. Well, Matthew seemed to be the textbook example of that. So Hanbin sat down beside the younger, looking at the scenery, waiting for the younger to say something.
‘You can’t quit this time hyung. There’s no escape this time around.’ Matthew said, voice cold and piercing. Hanbin flinched at the tone of the younger, but he was expecting that. He knew he deserved that.
‘I… Seokmae, I wasn’t really… I just…’ Hanbin stuttered, finding it hard to verbalize his thoughts and actions.
‘I know.’ That surprised Hanbin.
‘What!? What do you mean?’ Hanbin asked, feeling out of depth. Matthew chuckled bitterly before replying.
‘I know you were shocked to hear that. Hurt. You just wanted some time to sort your thoughts out. I know you wouldn’t leave, like that. You’re not that much of an asshole to leave the team like that over your own personal feelings and conflict.’ Hanbin inhaled sharply. Hearing Matthew word it out like that hurt. ‘But, watching you go like that, not hearing when I called for you like I was invisible… That just brought some memories back and I guess triggered a breakdown.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Hanbin said, genuinely feeling apologetic for his actions. Matthew turned towards him. ‘I’m sorry I made you feel that way.’
‘It’s… Yeah, whatever hyung. It’s ok. I know you are not gonna disappear like that. It’s just…’
‘No. Matthew, it’s not just about today. I’m sorry, for all of that. Everything. I’m sorry I ever made you feel invisible or unheard. I’m sorry I left that day. I’m sorry I couldn’t own up to my feelings for you. I’m sorry I hurt you so bad; the one who I loved so much. I’m sorry that I left you alone. And all the things that happened with Wonjin… I’m sorry.’ Hanbin said, looking down at his hands in his lap, tears rolling down his cheeks. He felt ashamed and small. He never thought his actions had such ramifications. He had apologized to Matthew for leaving before but never for all the things; never about the real reasons.
‘I know. I know you are.’ Matthew said, voice still cold but with a layer of understanding. It was hard to just bounce back from the breakdown in such a short amount of time; not when he had to mentally relive one of his worst memories. But he tried to be as genuine as he could with his words.
Hanbin looked up at him, shocked to hear Matthew’s words. The younger’s depth never failed to amaze him.
‘Matthew…’
‘Hyung, just. I know. I’m not gonna say it’s ok and whatever. I was hurt badly in the past because of you. You left and it felt like my life fell apart. I became too dependent on Wonjin and… All that happened has left many scars. I don’t know when they’ll heal completely or go away. I can’t say. But, I know you’re sorry about everything that happened back then. Even when you never said, I know.’ Matthew continued, looking ahead at the night landscape of Seoul.
‘I always knew you loved me. It wasn’t the way I did but I know you did. I know you couldn’t accept it back then and I understand. Things were shitty and yeah, I’d have loved it if you reciprocated but I also knew you weren’t ready to give me what I wanted. So, I never expected that. I don’t know how you felt and why you cut me off. Rationally, I know you must’ve had your reasons and struggles as well. But it hurt me a lot. And it wasn’t even because of my feelings. What hurt me most was I lost my best friend. Believe me, that hurt more than anything. One day I had you and then I didn’t.’
‘I was too fucked up and way over in my head to even realize that back then. But it hurt me to lose you too Matthew-ya.’ Hanbin said, exhaling the breath he had been holding.
‘Do you know why I forgave you and asked that we move on when we reconnected again?’ Matthew asked shocking Hanbin. ‘It was because I missed you. I was so angry with you at first. You left me all alone and then shit went down. I couldn’t bear to see your face because all it reminded me was how you left me. But then, I knew what happened to me wasn’t your fault. And I missed my best friend big time. Throughout the months, I wished you were there to hold me, to tell me things would be alright. I wanted things to go back to the time when we’d talk all night about our passions and dreams and how we’d debut together. I wanted to relive my days with you as my best friend because, above all, I missed that the most.’
‘Matthew-ya… I’m so sorry. I guess while figuring out my own feelings, I totally lost the plot. I should’ve just come to you and let it all out. Maybe then… ’ Hanbin said, words wobbly and stumbled.
‘You weren’t ready back then. And in a way, I’m glad we never crossed that line. We might have gone to a place where we couldn’t have come back from.’ Matthew said forlorn, making Hanbin sit up straight. Was Matthew implying what Hanbin thought he was?
‘Seokmae…’
‘Hyung.’ Matthew sat up straighter, turning towards him with a small straight smile. Hanbin could feel he was in for a heartbreak. He could feel it in the air. ‘Whatever happened, happened. We can’t change it. We can regret or lament but it’s not gonna change anything. We were both hurt and trying to figure life out the best we could. We faced our own set of trials and we got through that. I know you’re sorry and I forgive you. I truly do. Even if I can’t forget it all completely, I won’t hold it against you. I just, can’t afford to lose my best friend again.’
‘I know you love me still. I can feel it in your gaze. I never… said anything because I didn’t want to lead you on. But I also didn’t want to face the past and the feelings I had for you back then. I didn’t want to face the hurt or destabilize the friendship we’ve built again. You’re important to me hyung and I can’t lose you again. I don’t want to. So, I never brought it up. Not even when I fell for him or when he told me he thought you liked me. I didn’t want to face it because it meant unlocking things I would rather not. But, we are a team now and I am dating him. So, it’s inevitable right, that I faced this head-on.’
With that Matthew turned around and held Hanbin’s hand in his own, hints of warmth creeping back in his eyes.
‘Tell me hyung. Tell me all you want. Whether that’s a confession or regrets or rant… Anything. Everything. I’m here.’
Hanbin felt his throat get dry and his breath hitched. He wasn’t expecting things to go like this. He wasn’t expecting Matthew to say that. He gulped, feeling a little disoriented. The feelings and emotions he had kept buried down in his heart for so long, bubbled up. He had wanted to let it all out so badly but never had a chance. Looking at Matthew, he felt he could do it now. Let it all out.
‘I love you. I’ve always loved you, Matthew. I don’t think I realised it back then but I think I’ve always loved you. Right from the moment I saw you, something settled in my chest. I had to know you. And once I got to know you, all I wanted was to keep you close. I didn’t think much of it. We were friends right? And I adored you. Friends do that. But then, gradually, it dawned on me that what I felt for you was so much more than that. What I felt for you, it was beyond what I could understand. And suddenly I didn’t know how to act anymore. I loved you so much and I knew you did too. But you were so assured in your affection. While I was just a mess inside. I didn’t think it was right. To love you like that when I couldn’t come to terms with it myself. To keep you to myself when I couldn’t reciprocate.’
‘So I let you go. I didn’t want to but I did. And then I couldn’t keep my composure. I let you go. You had someone. But I wanted you. But then I knew I couldn’t. And things weren’t working out. My head was not in it anymore. Things just started falling apart, at work, in my head, at the dorm. I was falling apart and I needed you but then I was the one who pushed you away. I couldn’t deal with my own choices anymore. And so I left. I left you all alone and didn’t look back. Didn’t reply to you or pick up your calls. Blocked you off because that’s all I could do. By the time I came to terms with things and my head got clear, I heard what happened to you. I blamed myself for it. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t face you at first. But then I wanted to see you, meet you. I wanted to have you in my life again. Guess I was so selfish.’
‘When we reconnected, and you forgave me, I vowed to treat you right. I vowed that this time, I wouldn’t fuck it up with you. You were my lifeline. I couldn’t fuck it up. I couldn’t be rash or hasty. And I tried. But I realized I loved you still. I knew friendship was all you could offer but, I love you. Loving you just comes to me naturally. I guess it’s a default setting or something. I held back though, knowing you didn’t see me like that anymore. I wanted to cherish you, however, it was, as a friend or lover. I wanted to do it right. I guess I fucked it up again, didn’t I? I knew you don’t love me like that anymore. I knew you fell for someone else. I knew he did too. I saw you guys together and I just knew. But I guess a part of me hoped. And then when you guys told everyone, my brain kinda switched off. I’m not mad at you guys. I’m quite happy in fact. You both are great and I know you’d treat each other right. Just, I guess a part of me wanted you to love me back, love me like you used to so that this time, I could love you right. I guess that time would never come though...'
Hanbin felt his throat choke up and tears build up in the corner of his eyes. He had finally said it, said everything he had wanted to. He had finally confessed. Even though it wasn't how he imagined or wanted it to be, he had done it. At least he was brave enough to do that. He had tried his best and if this was how this chapter ended between him and Matthew, there was at least that. Turning to Matthew, Hanbin put on a smile.
'Hyung... I... I know it can't be me. It won't be me. But... Someone will love you better!'
It pained him to hear that. But seeing Matthew gazing at him with pride, admiration, and warmth, Hanbin knew things would turn out ok. It was them after all. Matthew and Hanbin. They'd been through hell together and apart. He was sure they'd survive this storm as well. They had to.