Chapter Text
Some of the weirdest shit happened wherever the Inquisition went. The weirdest of all happened right at Skyhold, and Varric still couldn't get his head around it. Apart from official Inquisition business, which almost always meant fighting for your life against demons or crazy people, fixing human problems, he hadn't had much contact with Solas. That is to say, not until Cole started worrying about being summoned and used and that amulet hadn't worked. That was when things really went from the normal realm of weird to the unfathomably weird.
Varric remembered arguing over how human Cole had become, how human he ought to be allowed to be. He couldn't remember how he went from using his mouth and tongue to argue to using them to make out with Solas, but there it was. Things had been quite heated, but Varric had never been the type for angry make-out sessions. His thing with Bianca had its fair share of anger and resentment, sure, but never this kind of crap. They'd already had something resembling love before that came in. This shit was straight out of a scene in Swords and Shields.
Okay, so calling it making out was pushing it since it was one kiss, really. Varric was pretty sure there had been only the one, but who’s to say when you can't even remember it starting? Definitely just the one, but there had definitely been tongue and Solas had grabbed his ass. Exciting but weird shit. Plus, the audience.
“I was hoping you'd kiss and make up later, but that wasn't quite what I had in mind.”
The Inquisitor would be a smartass. On top of that, his voice echoed, probably all the way to Kirkwall the way things were going, or wherever Isabela was these days, out at sea pirating.
“I can only assume some magic is at work here.” Solas’s voice also carried. Varric could see two heads peeking over the bannister in the library upstairs. Dorian and Fiona.
“I felt no magic. Grand Enchanter?”
“Nothing, but we could check with some of the young ones. Perhaps they have been experimenting.”
Yeah, there was no way Varric ever wanted to go asking around Skyhold about magic that could make people spontaneously make out. “Don’t even think about it, Sparkler. Unless you want to meet Bianca up close and personal.”
“Enough.” That would be the previously amused Inquisitor, who was now attempting to put on that mask of authority. Varric could still see the laughter behind the elf’s eyes. There was no way this wasn’t going to make the rounds through the rumor mill. “Whatever that was is done now. Cole, can you feel what is interfering with the amulet?” And that was that for the day.
It would be another week before Varric heard about it again, after returning from their trip to find Cole’s former Templar and helping him to become more like a person—Solas hadn’t been happy about that, but he eventually let it go. It was the servants that were talking about it.
Apparently the mages weren’t the only ones to hear. Leliana had, of course, but the Nightingale was far too discreet to spread rumors. She just collected them for future use. No, there are always servants in every corner, runners taking messages, that kind of thing. By the time Varric heard it being whispered in the garden, he and Solas had nearly undressed each other in front of the Inquisitor.
It was another day before he was confronted about it.
“Varric, I must speak with you.” Great.
“What is it, Seeker?” Varric asked, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms. Play it cool, he thought. Whatever she wanted, it was probably bound to get him smacked if he antagonized her. “The next chapter isn’t ready yet. I’ve been busy.” He was sure to get thrown out the door. Who was he kidding?
“So I hear.” Cassandra’s voice, normally even and decisive, was absolutely deadpan. The look she gave him was surely one that demanded answers, if Varric knew her at all.
“Really? What have you heard?” Somehow he always ended up doing that. He wished he could blame the Inquisitor for rubbing off on him, but the truth was that Varric couldn’t help being a smartass and baiting this woman. Or maybe it was the Seeker’s reactions that made the difference? Varric honestly couldn’t tell anymore.
“You…and Solas. Together.” There was something about her expression that Varric couldn’t place. Cassandra wasn’t a hard person to read, mostly because she tended to say what she felt and didn’t pussyfoot around, but she wasn’t spilling now. Not yet.
“I don’t know what you’ve heard. Apparently we had sex on his desk while all of the mages in the library watched.” It hadn’t actually escalated to that point in the retellings yet. That Varric had heard. “It’s just a rumor that got out of hand.”
“Oh.” Cassandra looked…relieved? Nah, that couldn’t be. “I will…leave you to your work, then.”
Why did weird shit keep happening?
Varric let out a sigh. This couldn’t keep going.
Solas was working on a painting again, or finishing the latest one. “Chuckles,” Varric started, then took a breath. The next line he projected a bit more. Let everyone hear it. “I think we should break up.”
The elf froze for a moment, his eyes narrowed, confused. “I don’t think I heard you correctly,” he finally said as he put the paint and brush down carefully. “What do you want to break up?”
“Us. You and me. Our thing.”
“I wasn’t aware we had a thing.”
“Yeah, well, everyone else knows, but I’m just not feeling it anymore. It was nice while it lasted.” With that, Varric turned around and returned to his favorite spot by the fire, leaving a very confused elf behind. He could hear Dorian laughing from upstairs.
Let the Inquisition savor that for a week, then forget it ever happened. That kind of thing worked, right? Too late now.