Chapter Text
His mom had always told him that he had a heart filled with love, love for him to give to others. The first time she had told him was when Felix was still a little boy. Cuddled up in her arms, his limbs tangled around her, holding on tight. Almost desperately as he didn’t want to let go anytime soon. His mom had chuckled at his actions, petting his head soothingly as she whispered to him how much she loved him.
Young as he was, Felix had been confused by his friend’s actions that day and many before that. Felix had always told his friends how much they meant to him. Showing it through his actions. He shared his food with them whenever he could. Cuddling up to them while they sat down in the grass, both panting from playing tag for hours on end. He absentmindedly played with their fingers while talking about anything and everything. But most of all he hugged them. Every day. Not once did a day pass that he didn’t greet his friends with a hug.
His love for his friends was so true to himself, so real. It was easy to see, even from a mile away. And that was why he was now so confused, his heart not understanding why his friends didn’t reciprocate his affection.
His still young mind, didn’t get why they were never the first to hug him. Why they could get annoyed by his constant want to touch. They had called him ‘clingy’ which he knew he was, but never before had it sounded like a bad thing.
“Felix,” his mom had started. Her fingers gently caressing his freckled cheeks, the tickly feeling making him smile softly as he looked up at his mom. “Your heart is so big, you know that right?” Felix had nodded enthusiastically, she had told him many times before. “And that big heart of yours, is filled with so much love. Love which has been given to you, to share with others.”
Again Felix had nodded, understanding what his mom meant. That was why he was clingy towards his friends, because he loved them. So what was wrong with that?
“But not everyone has as much love in them as you do,” his mom continued, making sure the boy looked at her so she could see him understand her words. “Some people don’t have that much love to give to others. The small amount they have, they are forced to share between everyone they love.”
“So everyone gets a small piece?” Felix had guessed, knowing that was how they always did it when there was only a little bit of cake left after his birthday party. The small piece left would we shared between the whole family, everyone only eating two bites.
His mom had smiled down on him, a proud smile, one filled with pride and love. “Exactly. It’s not that your friends don’t love you as much as you love them, they just have less love to give. But that doesn’t make it any less meaningful.”
Felix had hummed at his mom’s words. Nodding softly in understanding. Slowly it made more sense to him. “So even a hug can be too much?” For him a hug was so easy to give, but maybe it wasn’t like that to others.
“Yes, even a hug can be too much. Touching people in a way of showing love, is not for everyone. For some people that is too difficult,” his mom continued, trying to get her son to understand his friends. “Remember how you told me that Trevor had complimented your smile yesterday?”
Felix nodded hurriedly, how could he forget. It had made him smile even brighter.
“Compliments are love too. Some people find it easier to say kind things like that, than give someone a hug.”
Oh. Slowly it started making sense in his head. Trevor did often say kind things to him, but he had never understood how much they meant.
His mom could see the doubt and worries disappearing behind his eyes. She watched as the familiar sparkle returned in them as Felix slowly loosened his grip on her. Looking up at her with a soft smile he spoke: “Mom?” Hearing his mom hum, he continued. “If I keep giving them love, will they then have more love to give to others?”
His mom’s heart swelled at her son’s words. Of course he’d think that one step further now that he understood his friends better. “They might, yeah.”
“Then I’ll try it,” Felix concluded, stepping out of his mother’s arms.
His decision had been made. Tomorrow he’d give his friends as much love as they could handle, while also trying to take in all the small ways in which they showed him that they did in fact love him too.
•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••
Stray Kids. A boy group of eight guys. After too many ups and downs, they finally made it. They’ve debuted.
And Felix, he loved his place between them. Preferably literally – squeezed between their warm bodies on a couch that is definitely not made for four guys at once, or in the middle of their cuddle pile on the ground when they, one by one, flopped down together – but figuratively too. He loved his part in the group. He loved where he stood between them, as one of the younger ones, allowing him to joke around and just be his happy self around them.
Even now that he hadn’t seen his mother for way too long, her words rung through his head often late at night. “Some people will give more love than they’ll ever receive in return,” she had told him when he got older, and he had accepted that as a fact. He knew that with how much love he had to give to others, it would most likely be impossible for anyone to give him that much love in return.
But now he wasn’t so sure anymore if he really was one of those people. His members-, friends. His friends loved him and they never forgot to show him. All seven of them smothered him with love, day in and out.
No longer being the little boy who didn’t understand how people showed their love, Felix has learned exactly how those around him show him how much he means to them. He knows not all of them like hugs as much as he does, so he has learned to show love in different ways. Take Minho for example, Felix loves him deeply, and Minho loves him deeply in return. But unlike Felix, Minho isn’t that fond of physical touch.
So instead of giving Minho a little less love, only what the older is willing to accept, Felix has found different ways to show he cares for him. Spending hours on baking brownies, filling each bite with some extra love. Joking around with him and laughing side by side, small compliments here and there. Asking if he can help Minho with cooking for the group, knowing the older can do it on his own, yet wanting to offer a hand anyway. Things not that obvious to outsiders, yet just as meaningful as a big hug.
Had Felix not learned from his mom that everyone shows love differently, he might have thought Minho didn’t love him as much. But the occasional hug proves how much Minho really loves him. So when Felix is finally wrapped up in Minho’s strong warm arms, he can feel the love seeping off his Hyung. Knowing how special it is, Felix never forgets to appreciate it to the fullest, soaking in every ounce of love he receives.
Thankfully for him, most of the members love physical touch just like him, although he might still love it the most.
Chan, the oldest of the group and their leader, loving hugs just as much a Felix, can often be found wrapped around one of the younger members. And even though some of them may act like they hate it, groaning out in irritation, the corner of their mouth twitching upwards is proof of how they secretly enjoy it.
Felix loves Chan. He loves his leader, his fellow aussie, his big brother. And his hugs, he loves his hugs so much. Tucked tightly into his leader’s chest, arms wrapped around him warmly. It feels secure, safe. It feels like home. His hugs are Felix’s own private piece of Australia, the warmth of it pushing all stress and struggles away, leaving only the soft thumping of Chan’s heart and his steady breathing.
Both Changbin and Jisung share Felix’s love for physical touch. Loving it just as much as Felix does to flop down on top of each other. Limbs tangling together, sharing each other’s warmth. Cuddling in bed after long days filled with practise, each of them exhausted but not yet ready to let go of each other. And Felix gladly shares these touches with them.
The two youngest of the group, Seungmin and Jeongin, Felix loves to smother them with his love. The only two younger then him, making him want to crush them into warm hugs. So he does, gluing himself against their sides. He never forgets to compliment them, calling them cute and adorable multiple times a day. Anything to see the pretty smiles on their faces, the small blush coating their cheeks as they struggle to deal with the praise.
And then there is Hyunjin. Just like with all the others, Felix loves him so much and so deeply. Even though Hyunjin had said that he wasn’t that fond of physical touch, it quickly became clear that the seven guys became an exception for that. So much so, that he himself started initiating touches. Throwing his arms over the others, leaning into their bodies and hugging them from behind.
Felix loved it. The sudden touches, his Hyung just walking up and casually leaning against him. And at first it was just that, but overtime they grew. From legs being thrown into his lap – which Felix more often than not, absentmindedly started massaging – to hands landing on his shoulders and squeezing slightly. Touches that started lingering longer than Felix had expected them too.
Felix is a weak man, at least if it comes to physical touch that is. So when someone is giving him so much attention, so much gentle touches, it shouldn’t have surprised him when he started yearning for more.
No matter how hard he tried to evenly distribute the love he gave, slowly Hyunjin started getting more of it. Having the choice to cuddle up to Hyunjin and one of the other members, resulted in him choosing Hyunjin more often than not. No matter how much he enjoyed these extra moments of touch, guilt slowly started seeping into the back of his mind.
He loves all of them the same amount, so he shouldn’t be showing it to Hyunjin more than others. Worries about if the others realised, if they thought he didn’t love them as much anymore filled his mind. Forcing himself to choose the others instead of Hyunjin for cuddles should have made these worries go away. Yet when he found himself wishing for the arms he was in, to be Hyunjin’s instead of Jisung’s, the worries and guilt doubled instantly.
‘Maybe it’s just a temporary need for more,’ Felix had thought. So instead of denying his wants, he accepted them, sitting down a little bit closer to Hyunjin. Leaning into him just a bit more often. Purposely staying closer to him.
Over time he slowly became more conscious of his Hyung whenever he was in the same room as Felix. Too aware of whenever they touched, even if it was purely accidental. He found his eyes slowly drifting towards Hyunjin during the days. Something he tried to ignore, tried to stop himself from doing so. Because Felix wasn’t stupid, he knew exactly what was happening to him, yet he couldn’t change the course no matter how hard he tried.
Hyunjin’s warm hands on his thighs, fingers playing in his hair, soft scratches at the back of his neck. Back hugs where hands accidentally slip under a layer of clothes. Each one of these moments got engraved in Felix’s mind, and he found himself thinking about them in the silence of the night.
It did not take long for Felix to realise he could no longer deny the way Hyunjin’s touch left tingles in its wake, how his touch felt hotter than any of the other’s. How Hyunjin being close could speed up Felix’s heartbeat, how he found himself flushing too fast at the older’s compliments and teases.
It was impossible to deny, Felix was crushing on Hyunjin. Hard.
It was a revelation he did not want to have. They were supposed to be friends, maybe a family at most. Nothing more than that, yet here he was, wishing silently that maybe they could be just a little bit more. Wondering if Hyunjin’s touch was more than friendly. Comparing Hyunjin’s touches with those of the other members, going as far to count the amount of seconds a touch lingered.
Catching himself smiling too brightly when Hyunjin’s touch stayed a few seconds longer than the one before that, Felix slowly started to realise the gravity of the situation. Hyunjin was his friend. They had debuted together. They would be in the spotlight together, on stage in front of many, many curious watchful eyes. And now that the he knew how he felt, the feelings came out more, became harder to hide.
When you do something without realising – not having anything to hide – it remains more subtle, but when you realise what you’re doing, it all becomes much more obvious. So obvious, that it only took Chan one week to take notice and call Felix out on it.
It didn’t surprise Felix one bit, Chan had been able to read him from the first moment they met, so of course he would notice about Felix’s crush. Yet him catching on to it this soon, only made Felix worry more. Did he hide it that badly?
Chan had cooed at Felix when the younger admitted to liking Hyunjin, finding it adorable. Felix on the other hand had hid his face in his hands, embarrassed by the older’s reaction. Chan had asked Felix if he planned on telling Hyunjin, to which Felix had stared at him in shock. He had shaked his head hurriedly, explaining to Chan all the reasons why he should not.
How Hyunjin probably only saw him as a friend. How he had no clue if Hyunjin even liked guys. How a relationship at the start of their careers would only cause problems. He told Chan about how he always fell hard and fast, but that these crushes disappeared as fast as that they came, that with time, he would see Hyunjin just like he sees the rest of the members.
•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••
The group has grown immensely, having gained many more fans over the years after their debut. The music they make has become better, their voices more professional. Spending almost every day together, the eight of them have only grown closer. They have become each other’s family away from home. A perfect family, at least as perfect as they can be. Felix wouldn’t change a single thing about any of them.
Except maybe for himself.
No matter how hard he tried to ignore his feelings over the years, desperately hoping for them to just fade away. They not only stayed, but grew. As they all grew older, their bodies changing more with the long days spent dancing, their faces becoming more mature, so did Hyunjin.
And Felix hates it. Hates it because he loves it too much. Hyunjin has become a sight for sore eyes. Because of that he has caught himself staring at the dancer more often than he’d ever admit. Thankfully he isn’t the only one, as the other members too seem to be infatuated with the beauty that is Hyunjin. Yet even though the others might take a glimpse from time to time, Felix is the only one that truly gets lost in the sight.
So Felix’s feelings for the male have grown. And his hopes for them ever disappearing, have been crushed entirely. Especially ever since they decided to change the room layout. It had been all random, just grabbing a name out of a hat. It had seemed like a great idea, until Felix had pulled Hyunjin’s name, leaving them two roommates.
They have been for almost a year now, yet Felix is still not used to it. Will he ever? Will he ever get used to sleeping only a few feet away from Hyunjin, he doubts it. How does one get used to waking up and seeing Hyunjin’s asleep form; his eyes closed, fluttering every now and then. His lips either in a soft smile or a tiny pout, his face entirely peaceful, no frown in sight. His hair hanging covering his face, making Felix want to tug it behind his ears.
Or, the even more difficult option, how does one get used to being woken up by a thumb running across your cheek while a voice softly murmurs ‘good morning’s. Eyes fluttering open and landing on a close up view of Hyunjin’s bare face, a soft smile playing on his lips. How could he ever get used to being woken up by his crush in such a soft way?
Over the months that they have shared rooms, many nights have been spent talking till far after midnight. From soft smiles and muffled laughter to keep the others from waking up, to deep talks to get to know each other even better. Deep talks that sometimes resulted in wet cheeks and red eyes. Which was then followed by cuddling up in one bed, Hyunjin’s arms wrapped around Felix for the entirety of the night.
So of course they have grown even closer, have become more touchy. Everyone in the group has. Teasing each other at every opportunity and touching more often than not. The concept of personal space has been thrown out of the window long ago.
So yes, he and Hyunjin have been touching more, have had more deep talks, but so has everyone else.
Is it gaslighting? Maybe.
Denial? Definitely.
He knows, he does. Yet admitting that his feelings for Hyunjin have only grown is something he’d rather not do. So yeah, he does deny it left and right. He does ignore his own feelings, wishing them to be gone, whenever they resurface. And maybe, if he says it often enough, maybe he’ll start believing it, maybe it will become real. Maybe the feelings will fade and disappear. Maybe, Felix will finally be able to look at Hyunjin like he looks at the rest of the guys.
And until then, Felix will just force it all down, away to the back of his mind where it is nothing more than a whisper. A whisper that is always annoyingly there, yet soft enough to drown out by keeping himself busy with his day to day life.