Chapter Text
Ruby’s team had just entered their newly assigned dorm room at Shade Academy. After getting themselves up to date with the rest of the world, they’d finally been led to the dorms to get settled and sleep.
Today had been a lot.
That moment Ruby had been waiting for. She’d forgotten how much she’d just wanted to lie down and finally have her thoughts come to her on their own accord.
So much had happened the last few days.
Atlas was gone. It had fallen. Ironwood lost it. They managed to save as many people as they could and they reunited the world. There was now hope reinstalled among all of Remnant.
Ruby and her friends were transported to another dimension. They’d gone through perils hardly anyone would believe, even with the hell they’d had thrown upon them… how many months had it been in the real world? A few, that’s for sure.
The sheets itched against her. She was… still dirty. All the grime on her she’d grown used to but now…
Ruby immediately stood up and headed to the dorm’s bathroom. Once inside she closed the door, sighing aloud as it clicked.
She hopped into the shower, turning the handle and letting the cool water hit her as it warmed up. The steam made her feel slightly better, and getting to wash up all the built debris still on her was relieving.
She stood, unsure of what to do now.
Ruby… Ruby had lost herself. Doubted herself so much because she lost her most valuable asset. Her hope. Her faith. And even now it still felt weary…
This was bull crap, she was the leader and she was trying her best, which was enough.
Right?
The words from Neo’s… crazy house… continued to ring through her head.
“Who were you to think you knew what was best for Atlas?”
“How many more people are going to die because of you?!”
“Have you ever stopped to wonder if you’d done more harm than good?!”
“Shut up…” Her words were barely a whisper as she leaned against the shower wall.
She remembered… it.
“Can you imagine what that's like? To be completely and utterly failed... time and again... by someone who meant the world to you…”
Tears shedded from her eyes as she tried to think of something else, but only Penny’s green, haunted eyes filled her mind. The one person she’d truly failed. What Neo said was probably true.
Why was it that that’s what bothered her? Why was it this that Neo specifically chose to dig at?!
It worked. And she couldn’t tell why… this grief she felt for her lost friend made no sense. She’d experienced it before when the Fall of Beacon happened but why did it hurt more now?!
Maybe it was because she knew she’d never get to see her beautiful lime eyes again. Maybe it was because Penny would never be able to tell her salutations before the two would rant on and on about each other’s days… or about how Ruby would never get to feel her soft, gentle touch ever again. The touch that made her feel so safe, and warm. The touch that made her feel all fuzzy inside as she gets to stare at the gorgeous redheaded girl who donned those dainty hands.
…
Ruby didn’t… she hadn’t… she couldn’t have…
Gods there was no way.
Even if… it was too late now.
… shit.
That’s why it hurt more than anything else. The thing that truly had pushed her to leaning over the edge of self loathing and doubt she’d been teeter tottering on for years.
Ruby… loved Penny.
She felt herself slip to the floor of the shower as her eyes welled with tears.
No no no no no nononono…
Ruby couldn’t keep it in as she let out a cry. The water was still running, it wouldn’t be bothering anyone else, only herself.
She knew they cared but… they deserved to rest. After everything she’d gotten what felt like a refresh. They still hadn’t gotten an ounce of shut eye since they were in Atlas, before the Schnee dinner party.
The water continued to fall on her bare skin, covering her much like a warm blanket would. She couldn’t move, all her body could do was unleash an unending stream of tears.
Penny was the person she loved more than anything. The person she’d give up the whole world for, if she was being honest with herself. And Ruby lost her. She was so certain that plan would work and because of it Penny suffered a demise far worse than any of them could have imagined.
All because she forgot about one factor. One person who could’ve possibly screwed everything up.
Ruby couldn’t tell how fast time was passing. All that kept running through her head was the same.
You failed Penny.
You failed the person you loved.
Now you’ll never be able to tell her how you feel.
It’s too late.
Your best wasn’t good enough.
Why couldn’t you just have changed in the tree? The world would’ve been better off without you.
“Ruby?”
Are you really sure that you’ve done what’s right?
“Ruby, are you okay in there?”
If you can’t even save the one who you cared the most for, maybe you’re not cut out to save the world.
“Ruby!”
Ruby’s eyes blinked as she realized the commotion from the door.
“Yang..?” Ruby turned the shower off to talk.
“Can I come in? I just want to check on you.”
“I-it’s fine.”
“Ruby…”
She had to get over this part of herself. She had to accept others' help.
“… o-okay.” Yang opened the door as soon as the words escaped her lips. She rushed over after closing it back and flung the curtain to the side. She breathed out a sigh of relief when she saw Ruby was merely sitting in front of the shower knobs.
“Oh I was really worried you were…” The sentence trailed off as Yang kneeled down beside her sister, “Are you okay?”
Ruby’s eyes widened, darting around looking for a way out.
No.
“No… I’m… it’s just a lot right now, I’ll be fine,” Ruby wiped at her face.
“Rubes… it’s okay to talk to me, I’ll be here for you,” Yang said, “I’m your big sister.”
The silver eyed girl looked around before sighing and admitting defeat. She stood up and reached for a towel, quickly drying herself off and getting dressed while Yang looked in the other direction.
She sat back down against the cabinet while Yang sat across from her on the closed toilet seat.
“So, what’s on your mind?” The blonde asked.
“I… I know I’m doing good,” Ruby began, “It’s just… sometimes when things go wrong I have to sit and wonder if there was something I could’ve done to prevent it. Or that because I was involved at all… it was my fault.”
“It just feels like everything we’ve done recently has failed and I know it hasn’t! Especially now I-I just…” She pulled her knees up, burying her face in them, “It feels like I’m failing the people I love.”
“Oh, Ruby…” Yang was unsure of how to approach this, obviously. Ruby was glad she was trying though. “You haven’t failed us. We all slip every now and again but what matters is how we pick ourselves back up.”
“It’s just gotten to be a lot lately,” Ruby said. She could see just barely as Yang blinked and looked to the side.
“Yeah… about that…”
“I-I’m sorry…” Ruby said, “I-I don’t know what was happening I j-just felt so alone and so… I didn’t want to exist!”
“Ruby…”
“I just caused all of you more grief! And things should feel better now b-but I just… I’m so mad at myself for scaring you guys!”
“It’s not your fault.”
“But I drank the tea! I’m the one who basically tried to take myself away from all of this because I was scared!” She shouted, “We’ve all been scared and I wanted to take the cowards way out…”
“Ruby, there’s a difference between people like you and… well I guess my mom,” Yang moved down to the floor, sitting in front of Ruby, “Is it okay if I touch you?” Ruby nodded and Yang lifted her head up.
“You’ve got so much going on, and we just witnessed so many people lose their lives,” Yang said, “You’re still a kid. This is a lot, even for an adult.”
“But I-I’ve never felt that way before… it was scary,” Ruby shuddered, allowing more tears to slip from her eyes.
“It’s going to be okay, I promise,” Yang removed her hands from Ruby’s shoulders, “We’re all going to be here for you… we know you’re doing your best and we’ll listen when you need to talk.”
“I-it’s hard though! None of you g-get how I-I feel!” Ruby said, “N-none of you understand how it f-feels to fail the person you love more than anything else in the world!”
Yang fell quiet, Ruby could see her eyes widened through her clouded lenses. “Ruby, is this about Penny?”
“I-I loved her!” She admitted, “I loved her a-and now she’s gone! B-because of m-me…”
Her sister looked stunned by the sudden proclamation. Ruby hadn’t meant to spill all of that out.
“I’ll never be able to tell her how I feel! I’ll never be able to even apologize for messing everything up!”
Ruby choked as she sobbed, trying her best to be as quiet as possible. Yang was more than enough to hear her woes.
“Ruby, I’m so sorry…” The brunette glanced up at her sister again, “I knew she meant a lot to you, and you’re allowed to grieve her. But I know Penny well enough to know that she’s thankful for what we were able to give her. She would never hold any of this against you, because even if it might’ve not been romantic she still loved you dearly.”
Ruby sniffled. “D-do you know… w-what Neo s-said as P-Penny…”
Yang’s eyes widened as she shook her head. Ruby hadn’t told any of them what exactly happened at the hands of Neo’s torture, but she wasn’t ready to say it right now.
“She said I failed her… and it’s…” Ruby shook her head before flinging herself forward to hug her sister, “I-I know I didn’t! I did my best and I know she’d understand I j-just can’t help but feel… like I failed. L-like I d-disappointed her.”
“Ruby…”
“And now I can’t even tell her…”
It fell silent aside from Ruby’s sob into Yang’s arms. She felt filled with despair, as if the world was caving in and she couldn’t breathe. Her entire body felt tired, wanting to give up.
“What’s even the point…”
“Right… Ruby, I wanted to talk to you about what happened.” Yang began. Her eyes widened. “Did you want to die? Back when you… drank the tea.”
Ruby had wanted to avoid this conversation. She didn’t… really feel that way anymore. But it was still scary. She didn’t want to remember it.
“I…” Ruby shook her head and Yang stroked her back.
She sighed. “We don’t have to talk about it right now, but it’s going to be okay. We’ll be here for you, I promise. Even if you feel that way we’ll help you. You deserve to feel happy.”
Ruby pulled her head back, blinking at her elder sister. The blonde merely gave a soft smile as she cupped her cheek with her left arm. The warm touch had Ruby melt as she smiled back, shedding a few more tears.
“Thank you, Yang…” She said.
And it was there that Ruby fell asleep in her older sister’s arms. Eventually the two getting the sleep they’d missed for days.
The rest they’d needed for the last 14 years.