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He stared into the fire, watching how the bright flames danced from left to right, how the color changed just slightly every now and then. Listening to the quiet popping and cracking sounds it made as the logs burned. He was alone in the common room, a rare treat. Someone was almost always there, no matter the time of day.
But there were exams tomorrow, for fifth years, so they had either gone to bed to get a good night sleep for it, or hunched over a pile of textbooks and notes from lessons. But weirdly, none of them had stayed in the common room. The other ones Sirius didn't know about, as to why they weren't in the common room like usually at this time.
Sirius had that same pile of books and notes on the table, but he didn't feel like reading through them, he was going to fail anyway, so what would it matter. Leaving the studying to the last night was always a bad idea and never worked, so it wouldn't matter to even try.
He had studied for the exam once, only because Remus forced him to, but he had forced James too, so at least they had suffered together. So maybe that would be enough studying for one of the most important exams of his life. Just, maybe.
He fiddled with the tissue in his hands, wiping away the tears before they even got the chance to roll down his cheeks. He wasn't sure why he was so sad, he just was. Nothing had exactly happened, so he didn't understand, maybe it was just one of those days, or nights.
He felt overwhelmed and sad, both for no reason, at least he couldn't think of one, but he just felt like crying. But he didn't want to cry because if he did, he knew there'd be no end to the tears. He just didn't want to cry. He wanted to be happy or feel okay in the least.
He had promised Remus that he'd wait until he'd come from the library, so they could go to sleep together. Both unable to fall asleep without the other now, it was weird, but that was just how it was. It was easier to fall asleep with someone than when he was alone, it also seemed to take away some of the bad dreams. Maybe Remus had some magical powers to keep them away. Or maybe it just wasn't as terrifying to wake up from a nightmare when he knew someone would be there.
Thinking of Remus made him want to cry even more, but still, he didn't want to cry. Especially not when Remus would eventually come to the common room and if he was crying, Remus would worry. And he didn't want Remus to worry, he was already so stressed about the exams that he just didn't need other things to burden him.
He continued trying to hold back the tears and wiping them away when they involuntarily fell down. He stared into the fire, the slow movements making him feel slightly calmer, although that didn't help with the tears, but at least his hands weren't shaking as much.
After a while, he heard the doorway behind the portrait open and close as someone came into the common room. He didn't look away from the fire though, he knew who it was, he recognized the footsteps, and he knew Remus was about the only Gryffindor who wasn't currently in the tower.
Remus frowned slightly as his boyfriend came into his view, he looked sad with his knees tucked up to his chest and his head resting on them, just staring into the fire. Remus slowly walked closer, dropping his book bag down next to the sofa, and going to sit next to him.
Sirius glanced at him, giving him a small smile, and Remus smiled back. “What's going on?” He asked, as Sirius looked back away, but moved, so his head was resting on Remus' shoulder.
“Nothing.” He whispered. “Just tired.” He said, glancing at Remus again, who wrapped his arm around the boy, to pull him a bit closer and started to play with his hair.
“I'm tired too.” He whispered back, even though he was sure Sirius wasn't just tired. “Did you get any studying done?” Sirius shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment.
“Did you?”
“Mhm, something, not much though.” He said, resting his head onto Sirius'. “You've been crying.” Remus noted after a while of just sitting there in silence.
“Trying not to.” He corrected, opening his eyes to search for Remus' hand and taking it into his, starting to play with his fingers to get something to do with his hands. “Don't want to.”
“Why don't you wanna cry, love?” He asked. Watching as Sirius started to count with his fingers, something he did quite often.
Sirius shrugged. “Don't wanna worry you.” He whispered after a moment. “Don't wanna burden.”
“You never do.” He said gently. “If you're sad about something, I wanna know. I wanna be able to help you, pads. But I can't if I don't know.”
“I dunno why. I just am.” He said quietly. “I don't know, rem. It's stupid.”
“It's not.” He whispered. “It's okay to be sad sometimes and not know why you are. It's normal. Are you nervous about the exam tomorrow?”
“A bit.” He admitted, but that wasn't the reason he was sad, he wasn't nervous enough to make him sad and overwhelmed like this. “I know I'll fail."
“I'm sure you won't. You're good at transfiguration.” Remus said, but he shook his head. “You are. Did something happen today to make you feel bad?” Sirius shook his head again, closing his eyes to prevent the tears from falling.
“You can cry, there's nothing wrong with crying.”
“There is.”
“What would possibly be wrong with crying?” He asked, but Sirius didn't answer. “Sirius, it's just a way you can express your emotions, everyone cries and there's nothing wrong with having feelings.”
A tear slipped down his cheek, but he quickly wiped it away with the hand that wasn't holding Remus'. “I don't want to be sad.”
“No one does, but we can't really control it, can we?” Sirius shook his head just slightly. “But that's okay, it's okay to be sad, and more importantly it's okay to talk about it and cry, or do whatever helps with it. But I don't think bottling it up will help you, baby.”
More tears started to burn in his eyes, almost falling if Sirius would just let them. “You can cry, and I'll be right here to hold you, to play with your hair, to wipe away your tears, to do whatever you want.”
“Don't go.” Sirius whispered, a few tears falling as he leaned more against Remus.
“Wasn't planning on it, don't worry. I'll be right here.” He whispered into Sirius' hair as he shifted, so his head was partly on his chest, and feet over Remus' lap. He continued to play with his hair as Sirius cried quietly, his tears slowly soaking through Remus' jumper, but he didn't mind.
The slowly falling tears and quiet sniffles turned to sobs breaking Remus' heart, they were still quiet but heartbreaking nonetheless. He kept comforting him the best he could, holding him closer and brushing his fingers through his hair.
“I love you, baby.” He whispered into Sirius' hair, kissing his head. “So much, and I'm not going anywhere, gonna stay right here with you.”
Sirius mumbled something, but Remus didn't really catch it, but he did feel Sirius' hand clutching tighter onto his jumper. Holding on tighter, as if Remus would just slip away.
“Shh, it's alright. I'm here, angel, I won't go away. Don't worry.” Sirius nodded slightly, but didn't let go of his jumper, just leaned impossibly closer to Remus. So he just held him a bit tighter, kissing his head and holding his hand over Sirius' slightly trembling one.
“I'm sorry you've had such a shitty day, baby.” He murmured into his hair, he did feel bad that Sirius had to go through things like this. Hated that some days were simply just too overwhelming, and he didn't even know why. “I know it's overwhelming, but you're gonna be alright.” Sirius shook his head. “Mm, I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll be okay, love. I promise.”
It took a long while before Sirius calmed down, the tears turning to occasional sniffles and a few stray tears falling. He didn't move, though, just kept his head tucked under Remus' chin, closing his eyes and focusing on the hand rubbing his arm and onto the quiet murmurs. They made him feel better somehow, he just felt safe and cared for.
“Can you look at me, love?” He asked after a while, Sirius nodded, shifting, so he could look at Remus, but still staying close to him. “Oh, you sweet boy.” He whispered, as Sirius looked at him, his eyelashes were sticking together from the tears and his cheeks were flushed, but still, he could notice Sirius blushing slightly at the nickname. Remus cupped his cheeks and wiped away the rest of the tears with his thumbs.
“I love you.” Sirius whispered, looking at Remus, who smiled, leaning to kiss his nose.
“I love you too.” He whispered back, brushing a strand of hair behind his ear. “Should we head upstairs? Go to bed, you must be tired.” Sirius shook his head. “Are you not tired, baby?”
“Am.”
“Why don't we go up to bed then?” Sirius looked down, taking one of Remus' hands and starting to play with his fingers again. “Scared you're going to have a nightmare?” Sirius nodded, looking up at him. “I know it's scary, but if you have one, I'll be there, you don't have to be alone. You can just wake me up.”
“But t-the exam? Y-you need sleep.”
“We both do, but I don't mind waking up if it's because of you.” Sirius nodded, although he looked as if he didn't believe it. “I mean it, Sirius. If you have a nightmare or just wake up in the middle of the night. Wake me up, I don't want you to be alone, especially not if you have a nightmare.”
“O-okay.”
“I can read to you for a bit if you'd like?” He suggested because sometimes it helped Sirius to fall asleep when he could listen to something.
“But James and Pete? They're probably studying or sleeping.”
“And I know silencing charms, don't worry about them.” Sirius nodded, smiling slightly. “So wanna go upstairs?” He nodded again, slowly getting up, pulling Remus up with him. He grabbed his bag before leading Sirius up to their dorm.
He opened the door to find Peter sleeping in his bed with a book laying next to him, and James on the floor using his book as a pillow. “Should we wake him up?” Sirius asked, looking up at Remus.
“Probably.” He said. “I'm gonna wake him up, can you go find some more comfy clothes?” Sirius nodded, going to dig something out of Remus' trunk while he walked over to James.
He crouched down next to him, shaking him awake. “James, wake up.” James looked up at him, looking really confused as to why he was woken up. “go to your bed, the floor is not that comfy y'know.” He said, getting up and walking back over to Sirius. James nodded, getting up and climbing into his bed, falling back to sleep once his head hit the pillow.
They got ready for bed side by side, Sirius didn't want to be too far away from Remus, but he didn't really mind. Remus grabbed a book from his nightstand before laying down onto his bed, letting Sirius curl up to him, with his head on Remus' chest.
He lit up a candle with his wand and put a silencing charm over them, so his voice wouldn't disturb their friends, although it was unlikely that they'd wake up from it. He started reading from where they left off last time they read this one.
Sirius traced along the lines as Remus read for a while, but then he let his eyes fall shut, starting to draw shapes to Remus' side with his finger to at least try to keep himself awake. He didn't want to sleep, or he did, he was so incredibly tired, and he needed to sleep because of the exam. But he was just scared to. He wasn't even sure why, but he was.
He didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night to some horrible picture plaguing his mind or made up scenarios that were unlikely to happen or the memories that kept haunting him. He just didn't want that, but the more he thought of it, it seemed even scarier and like it was going to happen.
He opened his eyes once Remus stopped reading, but then he felt a hand in his hair that made him relax just a bit. “What's wrong?” He asked quietly.
“Nothing.”
“Your heart is racing, baby. What's wrong?”
“I'm scared.” He whispered, curling up more around Remus, hiding his face into his chest.
“What're you scared of?” He asked, rubbing his hand between his shoulder blades, trying to calm his anxieties down even a bit. Sirius didn't answer, just shook his head. “Something I can do to help?” He asked then.
“Leave the light on?” Sirius asked, his cheeks blushing in embarrassment.
“Of course, love. Don't worry.” He whispered, kissing his head. “And I'm not going anywhere, don't worry about that either.” Sirius nodded. “You can sleep, Angel. I'll be here if you wake up, and I'll wait until you fall asleep, okay? I can even read to you if that helps.”
“Can you?” Sirius asked, looking up at Remus, who nodded, smiling and giving him a small kiss, before picking the book up again and letting Sirius lay his head back down.
“Close your eyes.” He whispered. “Goodnight, baby, sleep well. I love you.”
“Goodnight. Love you too, rem.” He kissed Sirius' head before continuing to read. It took a while before Sirius let himself fall asleep, and Remus finished the chapter even though he knew Sirius was already asleep. Then he set the book down, pulling the covers over them better before letting himself drift off as well.
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