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“So what you’re telling me is—“
“I know it sounds bad.”
“—that he asked you out while he had his—“
“But he really seems like a great guy.”
“—pants down after peeing in the public fountain.”
“Yes, though it was the fountain outside the—“ Leslie takes a pause to spit derisively on the floor. Ann grimaces and pretends not to notice. “—public library, so we obviously share the same absolutely correct opinion on those awful institutions.”
Ann tries not to pull a muscle in the attempt to not roll her eyes too obviously. “And you want me to take you on a practice date. Again.”
“Anne, I know your smile is so perfect that all your dates go well, but not all of us are you. Ane anyways, practice makes perfect!”
This time Ann can’t help but pull a muscle.
1. Frank
“So, Frank is the fireman, right?”
“Right.”
“Okay, here we go.” Ann takes a deep breath and relaxes her posture into a half-slouch. “Hey Leslie, ready to go?” Ann attempts a smirk that looks a bit out of place on her face.
In response, Leslie smiled, but her eye was already twitching in a way that Ann knew spelled trouble. "Hi-Frank-it’s-great-to-see-you-again-you-know-I’ve-never-been-to-this-restaurant-before-because-I-usually-just-go-to-the-waffle-house-because-whipped-cream-is-quite-possibly-the-most-perfect-creation-on-Earth-besides-Ann’s-smile-of-course-but-I’m-pretty-sure-April-and-Andy-oh-they’re-my-coworkers-by-the-way-went-there-last-weekend-and-Andy-didn’t-get-bored-enough-by-the-food-to-see-which-dish-was-the-stickiest-by-throwing-them-all-on-the-ceiling-and-seeing-which-one-stayed-up-there-the-longest.”
Ann sighs as Leslie’s face goes from normal coloured to red to purple before Leslie finally takes a break. Then she just keeps on talking.
This is going to be a long night.
2. Bill
“Leslie, you can’t ask Bill about his weirdest sexual fetishes on the first date,” Ann hisses across the table, glancing around to check if anyone had overheard.
“Why not? Jimmy asked on our first date and I answered and we went out for two months before he got too curious for my comfort.”
“Of course you did.”
3. Stan
“What don’t you come by my office late one night and we can chat in private, Mr. Carling.”
Ann frowns at Leslie in confusion, taking in the shirt unbuttoned about two buttons more than usual, the excess of lipstick, the coy glances through eyelashes and—
“Oh my god. Mr. Carling as in Carling’s Water Maintenance? Are you trying to seduce him to get a better rate for the Park’s department?”
“What? No! Never! How could you accuse me of such a thing? We just have a lot in common, like croquet.”
“You’ve never played a game of croquet in your life, Leslie.”
“And besides, he is a very handsome man.”
“He’s 80 years old!”
“He’s 77, as a matter of fact.”
“Leslie.”
“Ann.”
“Leslie.”
“Oh fine, I’ll give him a call and cancel the dinner.”
“Good.”
“But you are so getting the blame if we go over budget on those stupid pipe replacements.”
4. Vlad
“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of Vlad before. I’ve usually met the people who ask you out.”
“You and me both.”
“Wait, what?”
“Oh, I met Vlad on an internet dating site called ‘Russkaya Prestupnikov’. His interests include wood and metal carving, martial arts and—“
Ann looks up from her phone where she had looked up the dating site. “You are not going to that date.”
“But, Ann.”
“No. I prefer you unstabbed, thank you very much.”
5. Jordan
“So under what crazy circumstance did you meet him?”
“Her.”
“Hmm?”
“Her. I met her at that gay bar where they have that drink named after me.”
“Oh. You like…”
Leslie tilts her head, confused as to why Ann is so flustered. “Ann, I never thought that you would have a problem with this.”
“No! No, it’s not that at all, I promise. It’s just…why not—“ Ann blushes and immediately takes a large gulp of her drink, coughing when some of it goes down her windpipe. “Anyways. So, where’s the date set?”
Leslie watches Ann carefully for a long moment, noting the strained smile, before letting it go and answering the question. “Well, Jordan suggested skydiving and I have no objections to it besides my motion sickness, fear of heights and fear of flying.”
1. Ann
“So, who’s the lucky person this time?” The question doesn’t come out quite as cheerful as she wanted it to.
There’s long pause from the other side of the table. Ann looks up to see Leslie steadfastedly avoiding her gaze. “Leslie?”
“Well, you see, there isn’t actually a person. Well, there is of course, but not a new person and I don’t actually need a practice date, so this isn’t a practice date but a real one, hopefully.”
Ann considers this. “Did you just kind of ask me out.”
“Um,” Leslie squirms in her seat, “yes?”
Smiling, Ann replies, “I’d love to, Leslie.”
“Amazing! Now, please list all of your sexual fetishes.”
“Leslie.”
“Just kidding. Unless you want to, of course.”
“Leslie.”
“Yes, dear.”