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Alex had prepared herself for the interrogation. She'd watched those before her get questioned and knew what needed to be done to pass. It had thrown her off when Ryan had forgone the polygraph, but she didn't object to it. That made her job easier with one less thing to concentrate on.
Still, she had hoped that Ryan, with his good looks and cocky attitude, was just that – a pretty boy without a brain. She found it highly unlikely with what she had seen of him so far, but it was entirely possible that he hadn't found her real secret. He could have uncovered a number of other things that, while less significant, would have filled the blank line sufficiently.
But no. Of course he was smart, and of course he had discovered what she tried and failed every day to forget about. Thinking back on their time spent in that room though, he could have made it a lot harder on her, like Nimah did with Simon, or even Simon with Shelby. After a few probes, he had given her the floor. Let her tell the story in her own time in her own way.
It had been a gift. One she had taken with hesitation, but readily enough. She steeled herself and told her story, brief and to the point. The emotion plaguing her voice was real, although its cause was slightly different than she was leading everyone else to believe. She'd had enough practice since her father's death to know exactly how to tell it to sell it as the truth.
She always felt guilty though, lying each time, but she'd never before had such a strong desire to reveal what really happened. The kindness in Ryan's eyes made her believe that if she had told him right then and there that it was her, and not her mother that had shot her father that night, that he wouldn't have reacted any differently. More surprised, maybe, but that's it. He would still have given that little comforting pat on the table as he got up and left the room, eyes glancing back at her to see if she was okay. He still would have joked around with her on the way back to the large hall, allowing her to forget, for just a moment, all her worries and doubts.
As soon as they rejoined the other recruits though, everything came back to Alex in full force and she'd done her best to ignore the curious stares as she sat back down to watch the others. Then she didn't even have to try to distract herself, because Caleb had started his questioning of Eric and it all quickly spiraled out of control. There was shouting and desperate pleas, the first from Eric as well as the agents trying to get into the room, and the second from Caleb, who was holding his hands up trying to simultaneously calm Eric and prevent himself from being shot.
All of the recruits had sat in a fascinated sort of horror as they watched the events play out on the large screen. They were separated from the event by several walls, but at the time it had felt like they were right in that room with them. Several had even muttered cries to Eric to put the gun down, as if he could hear them. As if he would have listened to any sort of reason at that point.
Then Eric had shot himself, and Alex had wanted nothing more than to jump up and dash from the room. Her own truth was drowning her, trying to crawl its way up her throat. Secrets get people killed. She replayed Eric's death several times over in her head, thinking about how much his own secret must have been eating him alive. Alex wondered how many times he had laid awake at night like her, going over what had happened in slow motion, analyzing what went wrong and how she should have done things differently. For a moment, Alex asked herself if she was really all that different than Eric, if she herself was minutes away from cracking under the pressure. Nothing was a guarantee.
When they were finally released, Alex hadn't known where to go. If she went back to her room, she was worried Shelby would want to talk about Eric. She couldn't do that, at least not at that moment. Her emotions were already frazzled and she couldn't risk what she would do or say if she had talk what had just happened. So, instead of heading in the same direction of the other recruits, she went outside.
Alex literally gulped in the fresh air as she exited the doors of the academy. She hadn't realized before how stifling it was inside until she was breathing in the cool breeze rushing through the air.
Without any real plan, she just started walking, keeping close enough to the academy in case someone came looking for her, but far enough away that she was able to mentally distance herself from everything that had happened inside.
After she had been walking about half an hour, in no sort of pattern really, she saw Ryan sitting on a bench a dozen feet away. Immediately she changed directions and headed towards him, not knowing why, but not doing anything to stop herself either.
He didn't acknowledge her approach. In fact, when she sat down beside him, he barely glanced over. "Hey" felt too casual and ridiculous after someone just killed themselves, so she stayed silent. Neither talked for a few minutes.
At first Alex felt herself calming down and thought that perhaps all she'd needed was a bit of air and a walk. Not a moment later though, and she could feel the tension building up in her body, begging to be released. She held it in as long as she could, pushing it down and wondering if she could just get up and walk away. Alex couldn't hold it in any longer. "I lied." She said it so quietly she wasn't even sure she said it out loud.
If she had thought Ryan hadn't been paying attention to her, she was wrong. In less than a split second, his head jerked to the right. His eyes were wide and serious, more serious than she had seen them since they had met just a few short days ago on that plane. They were also questioning, squinting slightly as he tried to determine what she meant.
With a loud exhale, she looked away. "I lied in the interrogation. I lied to you about…"
"Hey." She felt a hand on her shoulder and almost jumped at the sudden contact. When she peered over, Ryan was looking at her intently. "You don't have to tell me."
Those words were exactly what she needed to hear. They took the pressure off and she finally felt like she could breathe. Despite that, he was still wrong. She had to get it out. She had to tell somebody, if only so that she wasn't left alone with her secret like Eric. Whatever she did, she couldn't let herself succumb like that.
"I know," she told him with a sad smile. Then, quieter, "Can I tell you anyways?"
She was right. After she told Ryan that it was her and not her mother, he didn't look at her any different. He just patted her shoulder and looked out into the trees. "No one should have died today," he said. His hand went to the dog tags around his neck, and she wondered if that was a habit he had picked up in the military. She wondered how many deaths he had seen.
"No one should ever have to die," she responded simply. Another breeze brushed by and she shivered. Pulling her legs up onto the bench, she tucked them up against her chest and rested her chin on her knees.
Ryan gave an understanding nod of agreement, still not drawing his eyes away from the tree line.
Just then, the rumbling start of an engine burst through the quiet. Both recruits pivoted to look behind them. A black SUV's trunk slammed shut, and a person got into the driver's seat before pulling away. In its wake it left a trail of dust swirling in the air. They waited until it settled back to the ground to turn around again.
"How many people do you think are going to leave after today?" Alex asked. When Ryan just shrugged, she looked at him. "Are you?"
He let out a choking laugh, almost seeming regretful. "No." He didn't say anything else.
Alex nudged him playfully. "Aren't you going to ask about me?" She said it with a smile, but quickly turned somber when Ryan gave her a strong stare.
He shook his head once. "I don't need to. I know you're not leaving." Alex raised an eyebrow at that, somewhat annoyed and alarmed that someone thought they knew her that well after a couple of days. "Oh come on," he drawled, and at a different time and place, he might have even rolled his eyes. "Maybe you told me the truth about what happened to your father, but do you really think I believe that's all there is to the story?" It was his turn to raise his eyebrows, and Alex pursed her lips in response.
Ryan just chuckled, then suddenly stood up. He held out his hand to Alex, and when she took it, pulled her up as well. He didn't let go right away, and leaned in slightly. "Just know, if you ever do want to tell someone the rest, I'm here. Secrets have a way of coming back up, and it's always good to have someone on your side." There was truth behind his words. A pure honesty that could only come from experience. It made her think back to his quiet, withdrawn demeanor when she had first approached him on the bench, and thought, not for the first time, that not all was at it appeared with Ryan Booth.
Alex gave Ryan's hand a tight squeeze and released it. "I still haven't decided if you're someone I want on my side or not." She started walking back to the academy then paused to look over her shoulder to see that he had not moved from his spot. "That doesn't mean I'm not willing to give you a shot though. Are you coming or not?"