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The days feel so much quieter now. Everything is just as busy as before, even more so now, but the halls feel so eerily empty. Void. Dull. Exhaustion, even after taking that much needed rest in Haiti, threatened to constrict and crush around her rib cage. Despite this, despite everything, her one respite was that little inlet beach. It was odd. She almost seemed to seek the water out. In Haiti, at home. Anywhere. Perhaps it was the memory of one of the last words exchanged with her mother. Or the joyous revelation of her T’Challa’s smile in the face of her nephew. Or…perhaps the memory of other conversations. That she did not, would not, allow herself to dwell on. Memory’s could not help her. She could not afford to dwell in the past of “could haves, should haves or would haves.” It was useless, words were useless, unless acted upon. Words were barely spoken between them unless mandated. And even then they were clipped as short as possible. Silence was easier, silence did not carry threats. A peaceful alliance cannot be carried out with spears or knives in hand. Sometimes there was comfort in the silence, it allowed her time to process, it allowed her time to heal. And he was satisfied with that. Whatever had happened before, whatever words were said whatever actions were done, nothing could be changed. However, what was felt before perhaps they could feel again. He could hold out hope at least. But for now he was content make the small steps necessary to bring both countries into a reliable partnership, one that could symbolize a new age for them both.
But grief is a funny thing. Everyone says it’s a linear process, it’s supposed to make sense, you’re supposed to feel sad and then you're supposed to heal. But no one ever prepares you for the whirlwind of emotions, the days that feel crippling, like you can’t get out of bed, even though you have to. The days that you feel like you can’t think at all, just going through the motions. But no one ever prepares you for the guilt that comes with laughter. The few moments where you feel light as air and feel the immediate paralyzing feeling of dread and remorse.
Especially when the person who is the source of this joy is supposed to have robbed you of all of it.