Chapter Text
The ride back to Camelot is suffocating for Merlin.
Arthur and the Knights have never been so quiet.
Gwaine at least is silent for good reasons. He was injured in the fighting. Bad enough he spends basically the whole ride to the castle leaned back against Percival coming in and out of consciousness. Percival is busy keeping both of them comfortably seated on the horse.
But Elyan is side eyeing him.
Leon is unabashedly watching him. Not hiding at all the fact that he is treating Merlin as at least suspicious and at most a threat. Hand never on his sword but never far from it. Positioning himself in a way in which Merlin is always in view.
Lancelot, who of course already knew about his magic, is glancing at him often with pity in his eyes. Clearly knowing a little of the internal strife Merlin is experiencing.
And Arthur. Arthur who barely survived a sword from Mordred. Arthur who spent most of their journey to keep him alive hating him. Who thanked him, expecting clearly to die. And now that he's not dead he has not looked Merlin in the eye. Hasn't looked at Merlin at all.
He’s not entirely sure what he hates the most.
No, he is. It’s Arthur. The man he had done all this for. The man he loves. The man who will not meet his eye.
All together it is suffocating. His secret is out. The magic he has been hiding all these years is known to all he holds dear. It should be freeing. But Merlin feels like he can’t breathe.
The moment they arrive in Camelot he is left alone. All the knights going off in their own directions. Most to Gais for patching up. Some clearly just escaping Merlin.
Lancelot at least claps him on the shoulder before he disappears to find Gwen.
Merlin decides all he can really do is his usual duties. So he takes the horses to the stables and removes all the saddles and bags. He goes from there to Arthur’s room with the bags and gets to work unpacking and separating things he will need to wash.
The door opens and closes behind him and Merlin turns to find Arthur frozen at the door. He’s been stripped out of his armour and is wearing just his loose red shirt. The outline of bandages around his torso is visible.
“I’m just finishing up unpacking. I’ll go locate your armour and get to cleaning it.” Merlin says, turning back to his task.
“What are you doing?” Arthur’s voice sounds strained.
“I know you don’t think I’m much of a servant, but I do know how to do my job.” Merlin starts piling up the few things that need to be washed before finally turning back to look at Arthur.
Merlin tries his best to not let his anxiety slip onto his face.
“Stop.” Is all Arthur says.
“Won’t take me a moment then I’ll be out of your hair.” Merlin is unsure what he should be doing. Arthur’s face suggests he is doing something wrong.
“Stop acting like a servant. The secret’s out Merlin. Stop now.”
“I’m still your servant Arthur. Magic or not.”
“I don’t want you to be. Consider this me firing you. You’re not my servant anymore Merlin. So leave those clothes. Leave my armour. Just leave me.” Arthur’s voice sounds like steel. Feels like a blade in Merlin’s heart.
“I don’t want to stop being your servant, Arthur. Nothing has to change.” Merlin is pretty sure his voice is coming out pleading.
“Everything has changed Merlin. The only thing that hasn’t is that I am your king. Leave me now, that is an order.” Arthur is looking directly at him, dead in the eye, when he says this.
Merlin doesn’t know what to say. Arthur is firing him and kicking him out of his room. The weight on Merlin’s chest doubles.
The clothes fall from his hands. The sound of them hitting the stone floor pushes him into movement and he escapes Arthur’s chamber as quicky as he can.
His breathing is ragged by the time he gets to Gais’ chambers. Partially from the almost run he had done to get there, partially from the interaction with Arthur.
When he swings the door open he finds all eye on him.
Percival looks at him troubled. Gwaine looks at him betrayed.
Gaius is the only one who looks happy to see him.
For an old man he makes quick work of the distance between them, and he wraps his arms around Merlin tightly.
“I’m so glad to see you, my boy.” Gaius sighs in his ear, relief clear in his words.
“And I you Gaius.” Merlin hugs him back just as tightly.
“Are you hurt?” Gaius leans back to survey him for injuries.
“I’m well. I’ll go to my room while you finish up with the knights.” Merlin says, patting Gaius on the shoulder before making his way across the room and up the stairs to his own space.
He closes the door firmly behind himself and sinks down onto his bed, burying his head in his hands.
The inability to breathe has not left him. Merlin tears off his jacket and neckerchief.
Arthur doesn’t want Merlin around. They have had their differences over the years. Hell, he has been fired from his job before. But not like this. Never like this.
The days following their return go painfully slow.
The suffocation only increases. Most of the knights avoid him but keep their eyes on him from a distance. Only Gaius and Lancelot speak to him.
It’s five days before he has had enough. Enough of the looks. Enough of the silence. Enough of the idleness. Just enough.
He leaves a note for Gaius, Lancelot, Gwaine and Arthur then packs his bag and collects his horse from the stables. He rides his way out of Camelot without looking back.
It feels like running. It feels the most cowardly thing he has ever done. But after the events of the last few months, he feels he deserves to be a coward.
He travels around for a while. He visits a few different druid settlements and such. Eventually he finds himself a little cabin a few hours from a town.
It feels a little like the middle of nowhere. But it also feels entirely his. He is able to fearlessly use his magic to fix the place up. Can plant himself a little garden of herbs and such as Gaius had taught him about. It’s quiet. Sometimes painfully so. But three months after he has left Camelot, Merlin feels like he has found a place for himself in the world once again.
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Arthur’s world has been turned upside down. From the moment he survived that blade from Mordred, to the moment he learned of Merlin’s magic, to finding Merlin’s letter.
It has sat on his desk since the moment he gave it to him. He had read it over and over again until the words became engraved in his brain.
Dearest Arthur
This letter may shock you. It may not.
I’ve decided to leave Camelot. You are the once and future King. You are uniting the lands of Albian. The prophecies have been fulfilled. I have fulfilled my destiny.
I thought we could return to the way things were. I was wrong. You were right. Everything has changed. There is no longer a place for me in Camelot.
I wish the best for all I have left behind in Camelot. Tell the knights they had become like brother to me and that I will miss them.
Know that I will miss you the most. You will always be my king.
Your faithful servant,
Merlin.
It is shocking. He had needed space from Merlin when they returned. He had needed space from Merlin. Space to process. Process the fact that he had lived. That Merlin had magic. Everything.
He hadn’t intended for this much space. This is too much space.
It’s like an itch under his skin. Not having Merlin around. A constant irritation. He can’t help but look for him in every moment. Waiting for a witty comment. Looking for a piece of Merlin, any piece.
He finds none.
Perhaps it’s idiotic, but he doesn’t really believe it. The weeks pass waiting. Waiting to heal. Waiting to reorganise his kingdom. And always waiting for Merlin to return.
He doesn’t.
The weeks pass and he doesn’t.
The weeks pass and some of life moves on. Gwen sits him down to explain that she and Lancelot are still in love. That surviving the battle for Camelot had brought them closer together. That she will always love Arthur but thinks it would be best for them to separate. Arthur finds himself relieved for some reason.
Gwaine pulls him aside four months after Merlin has left. Pulls him aside sounds nice. Gwaine corners him after a round table meeting. Really it should be surprising it has taken this long for Gwaine to talk to him about Merlin.
“You need to go find him and bring him back.” Gwaine’s words are firm. His eyes are fierce.
“I won’t drag Merlin back to a place he doesn’t want to be.” Arthur sinks back into his chair and runs his hands through his hair.
“He does want to be here. I know he does. We were just stupid enough to let him leave. You need to go and get him. Wherever he is.” Gwaine tugs out the chair beside Arthur and perches in it. Merlin’s chair. The chair that has remained empty since he left.
“He needed to go. He said there was no place for him here in his letter to me. Maybe he has found his place somewhere now. After everything he has given up for Camelot, he deserves that. Besides, even if I wanted to get him, I don’t know where he went.” If he did know where Merlin ended up, he would have gone and dragged him back kicking and screaming.
”In my letter he said he felt like it would be better here if he left. That he had kept such a massive secret, that he understood that none of us wanted to be around him. His place is here with us. With you. I can’t live with the idea of him out there all alone thinking we all hate him.” Gwaine’s voice is laced with guilt and pain.
Arthur hadn’t realised how much Gwaine had been affected by Merlin’s absence. Logically he knew they were close, but he had been too wrapped up in his own mind to notice what he sees now. The dark circles under his eyes. The unkempt hair. Gwaine looks like a mess. Looks like someone who lost his best friend.
Arthur probably doesn’t look much better.
“I never wanted him to think we hated him. I never wanted him to leave. But he has. I don’t even know where he would have gone.” Arthur leans back in his chair and rests his head on the wood.
“I think Gaius is still in contact with him. Go see him.”
Arthur is briefly shocked but jumps from his chair and goes straight to the physician's chambers.
He walks straight in to find Gaius sitting at his table, staring at the door of Merlin’s room. He startles and turns to the door when Arthur closes the door behind him.
“Can I help you sire?” Gaius asks, getting quickly to his feet and bowing at Arthur.
“I need to find Merlin. Gwaine says you know where he is.” Arthur gets straight to the point.
The itch of missing Merlin has become unbearable at the prospect of finding him again.
“I do know where he is. But I don’t think it is my place to say sire. He has found himself some peace.” Gaius’ voice is gentle but the words are firm.
“I just need to see him Gaius. Need to talk to him. I need to tell him that this is his place. That he does belong here. That I was an idiot for ever letting him think he didn’t.” The words come tumbling out of Arthur. He is finally saying all that has been in his mind.
“I do not want him hurt, you must understand sire. He has been through too much. If he has found peace, I don’t want to disturb that.” Gaius sits back down at his table, gazing again at Merlin’s door.
“I won’t force him to come back if he doesn’t want to. There are just so many things I want to say to him. I cannot keep going, knowing that he has ever doubted my affection for him. I will say my bit and leave him alone.” Arthur promises. Basically pleading with Gaius at this point.
“Very well sire. Just do not hurt my boy.” Gaius is pleading right back.
“I won’t. I swear this to you Gaius. Upon my word as the king.” He looks Gaius directly in the eye as he says this.
Gaius gives him directions to Merlin, and Arthur sets off first thing the next day with his knights accompanying him.