Chapter Text
It was going to be a disaster.
Jace knew it. He was pretty sure his mother, his stepfather and even Alicent - he refused to call that woman “grandmother” even in his own head - knew it.
Still, neither of them could ignore grandfather’s wishes. Daemon used to do that routinely, but as his older brother’s health deteriorated, Daemon's legendary rebelliousness began to wane as well. Since it became obvious that each year could become Viserys' last and no amount of money could help it, two parts of the family tried desperately to pretend they didn’t hate each other’s guts, at least in front of him.
Jace’s mother smiled at her “stepmother” like she wasn’t her childhood friend who got into her father’s bed behind her back, and Alicent pretended she didn’t think of Aemond’s injury every time her gaze fell upon Luke or Jace.
It was going to be difficult this time. They usually gathered for Sevenmas or grandfather’s birthday, in winter and spring respectively, but this time Viserys insisted on celebrating Rhaenyra’s fortieth birthday together, and her birthday was in late summer.
It meant Daeron and Aemond weren’t studying yet and Jace couldn’t claim he was busy with his finals since he’d already passed all of them. And just as he was coming to terms with the fact that he was going to spend the whole week with the uncle that hated his whole family and the uncle that was three days younger than him and always seemed vaguely distressed to be caught in the family drama, and that’s not even mentioning Helaena, who was a whole other issue, the other news came.
Aegon was going to come too.
Alicent’s eldest and most problematic child, who was rumored to be in rehab last Sevenmas, out of the country this spring, and Gods know where before was going to be present at their marvellous family reunion.
Jace was tempted to pretend to be terribly sick. To break his fucking leg and spend a week or two in a hospital rather than endure that joke of a family get together, but the moment his mother told him, looking into his eyes with that pleading expression on her face he knew he'd never let her down like that.
If Aegon has always been the black sheep of the family, Jace has been the perfect son.
He hated it when Mother called him that.
Jace wasn't perfect. He just made an effort, then another, and that turned into a continuous streak of “good choices”, and then everybody started expecting it from him and acting surprised when he screwed up.
It was exhausting. But he never quite found the courage to tell them no.
The last few days have been downright torrential, so bad they were stuck in the two-storey cottage his mother had gotten as a gift for her eighteenth birthday. Daemon and Mother have been arguing and then passionately making up as always when stuck in a limited space without any other outlet to blow their steam off.
Joff and Luke were mostly immersed in the new online game Daemon had bought for them, and little Aegon was either with them or his nanny Elli, and Jace was bursting at the seams.
There was an unanswered message from Addam on his phone.
How are you holding up?
Jace needed to answer, but every time he tried to type an answer, it came out either as too dry, sarcastic or just plain fake.
Jace ran his fingers through his hair and pressed his forehead against the cool surface of the window. He needed to pull himself together if he didn't want it to end like his last relationship. After a few minutes of trying to clear his mind, he unlocked his phone and quickly typed.
Wanna be far away from here.
Addam replied almost immediately.
Do you want me to come get you?
Jace slammed his fist on his writing desk, frustrated, and hissed from pain.
No. I have to be here.
Addam was silent for some time after that, but then sent a laconic:
I'm here if you need me.
He was so fucking perfect Jace wanted to punch walls sometimes. It wasn't hard to pick a fight with Cregan. Jace only needed to ignore his message for an hour or so before he received an angry call from his boyfriend demanding to explain himself and then blaming him for causing another fight.
Jace didn't want to fight. He just didn't know what to say sometimes. Especially when Cregan wrote something about his - their? - plans for the future and, even worse, "I miss you" or "I love you".
It was akin to the worst second-hand embarrassment Jace has ever felt. Cregan had the reputation of a cold bastard, cruel and incapable of sweet gestures, but the reality turned out to be different.
He got off work when he could and drove for an hour through the terrible traffic just to pick Jace up after university and go to the cinema, an art exhibition or a restaurant.
They dated - officially - for almost seven months before Cregan showed up at his doorstep drunk one day demanding to know if there was someone else. Jace had to be cheating, apparently, because something was wrong and Cregan couldn't even explain what exactly even while sober, never mind drunk, but he scared Jace's little stepsister Rhaena who was at his place half to death, so she locked himself in the bathroom and called Jace's mom, afraid Cregan was going to hurt him.
It was a mess. Mother burst into his apartment barely ten minutes after, white as a sheet, with three police officers at her heels and Jace had to spend half an hour explaining again and again that he wasn't assaulted or harmed in any way and his stepsister overreacted.
They let Cregan go, of course, after an official warning to sober up and then talk to his boyfriend like a sensible person, preferably without raising his voice and scaring little kids. Jace couldn't even blame Rhaena. She was eleven and only saw Cregan twice from afar before, and Cregan didn't seem all that warm and amiable at first, even while sober and calm.
And no matter how many times Jace repeated that Cregan had never laid a finger on him Rhaenyra seemed to never quite believe him. They were pretty much done after that, with Cregan believing Jace had cheated on him and Jace not having enough courage to tell the truth.
It wasn't like Cregan did something wrong. The relationship was doomed from the start. But there was this terrible feeling that made him lie and pretend and be disgusted with himself, but he needed it. Needed to feel loved and wanted.
Jace knew a girl from his university who was secretly fucking a married man and always complaining to her friends how she hated that coward, but at least he bought her expensive presents and drove her to nice restaurants. It wasn't like that for Jace. He didn't feel contempt or malicious joy at wrapping a man like Cregan Stark around his finger. And he wasn't secretly laughing at him which Cregan drunkenly accused him of. He just felt… nothing. Big, empty fucking nothing, occasionally sprinkled with a bit of amusement from Cregan's jokes, satisfaction after a good fuck or annoyance after Cregan made long term plans for both of them.
Two months after their break up, drunk on the Sevenmas night, Jace sent him a message.
There wasn't anyone else. There's just something wrong with me.
Half an hour later he got Yes, there fucking is and just a few minutes after Happy New Year
Jace laughed so hard Luke poked his head into the room and asked if he was okay.
It was better with Addam because Jace was slightly more honest from the start. If he was offended or hurt by Jace's "I like you and I find you attractive, but nothing more, are you fine with that?" he didn't show it. Besides, they knew each other longer, though not very well, Addam being Corlys' nephew. Corlys was Rhaenys' husband, who in turn was their grandfather's cousin. Addam was calm, dependable and had a darker sense of humor than most people could suspect from him. He also seemed completely fine with following Jace's orders when it came to sex, sucking him off in a campus library or fucking him so hard Jace could feel it the next day.
Jace sighed when his phone blinked again, notifying him about a new message, but this time it was from mother.
They will be here in fifteen minutes.
She didn't need to elaborate who "they" were.
With his limbs suddenly filled with lead Jace slid from his comfortable leather armchair and went to the bathroom. Washed his face with cold water and looked into the mirror, trying to comb his wavy dark hair with his fingers. He looked slightly feverish, his cheeks flushed red and his eyes glistening like he took something. Jace hung his head and tried to count to twenty, watching the water drip from his face into the sink.
One. Two.
A sudden knock at the door made him wince.
"Jace! Did you see what mother sent to us?"
Luke. It was just Luke. Shaking his head, Jace grabbed a towel and dried his face, then took a new toothbrush out of a drawer. "Yes, I know. I will come down in a minute."
His voice sounded calm.
Good.
A quarter of an hour later they all were in the hall, meeting grandfather and his second family. While grandfather and Daemon were talking and mother was exchanging pleasantries with Alicent, Jace focused his attention on the safest person among the newly arrived - his aunt Helaena. She had always been a bit strange, but mostly quiet and harmless. She smiled at Jace and he smiled back, but he couldn't stare at her for too long because it usually made Alicent and Aemond angry, and he promised to be on his best behavior, so he shifted his gaze to the second-safest person - Daeron. He was safe because Jace barely even knew him. His youngest "uncle" spent most of his life either with Alicent's family or at boarding schools, so for all intents and purposes Jace was now looking at a stranger with a vaguely familiar face.
Daeron noticed him looking and nodded awkwardly. So did Jace. Then he met Aemond's cold stare and nodded too, turning his attention to Alicent after, only noticing the moving figure behind Aemond with the corner of his eye.
But he did catch a glimpse of the silver hair. Last time he saw Aegon his head was shaved. Had he grown his hair again? He stubbornly kept his stare fixed at Alicent for a while, noting her stylish black costume, and then finally looked at his grandfather. His heart sank at how old and fragile the man looked in his wheelchair. Jace remembered him walking and even throwing a ball with Joff just a few years ago.
"Jace, my boy! How is my eldest grandson doing?"
"Perfect as always, just passed his finals with flying colors, but he can tell you that in the living room, father, let's not make everyone wait," mother carefully slid behind him, stepping in front of Alicent, and pushed his wheelchair.
"Oh, of course…"
Jace was doing well the whole evening, considering the circumstances. He avoided looking at Aegon almost entirely, only catching sight of him from the corner of his eye occasionally, and he wore a long-sleeved shirt, so if he had goosebumps when he heard his uncle's voice, well, nobody had to know.
Had they been a normal family his behavior would probably seem strange, but since the accident with Aemond both halves of the family had seemingly agreed that politely ignoring each other when possible was the best they could do.
Still, Jace had to set an example, so he told Helaena about the girl on campus who somehow managed to keep a huge tarantula in her room despite it being explicitly forbidden. Helaena listened and asked questions - how big it was, what it ate.
When Jace looked away from her, he saw his mother smiling at him.
But all of them in the same living room felt like a jar full of venomous spiders indeed, so he slipped into the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee. His hands were ice-cold and he needed a small break. He really should have thought this through.
"Jace."
He froze, gripping the countertop. His heart started racing even as he struggled to remain calm.
"Aegon."
"So you do remember my name. I was afraid you forgot me completely, with how persistently you've been ignoring me."
Jace heard approaching footsteps. But he didn't want to turn around, so he just continued staring at the coffee machine, painfully aware of the shrinking distance between them. And only when a warm hand touched his shoulder did he come to his senses. He turned around and looked at Aegon for the first time in more than two years.
And Aegon looked like he was relaxing in the Summer Isles instead of being locked up in some luxury clinic - though, as Jace was slowly coming to realize, it wasn't all that mutually exclusive. Still, no fucking addict had any right to look like he did, golden skin and shiny hair and a smug fucking face.
"You look good," the words slipped from his mouth before he could even comprehend them. Jace felt his face burn from humiliation - why did he always make a fool of himself in front of him? - but Aegon only chuckled softly, caressing his hot cheek with the back of his hand.
"Oh, thank you. And you're even more beautiful than I remembered."
"You shouldn't say things like that."
"Why?" Aegon stepped even closer, trapping Jace between himself and the kitchen counter. "I missed you, you know. Did you miss me?"
Jace stared at the beaded necklace resting on Aegon's collarbones, refusing to look up. He was so close Jace could smell his slightly damp clothes, deodorant and just a hint of fresh sweat. He felt the familiar heat starting to pool in his gut and it made him clench his teeth, furious at the way his body reacted to Aegon. It was like an acquired reflex, because on a subconscious level he still associated Aegon with all things forbidden and exciting.
"Not really."
Aegon laughed, even though it sounded slightly hurt to Jace.
"I remember you being nicer."
"More obedient," Jace finally looked up.
His uncle raised an eyebrow.
"You remember me more obedient, not nicer. More of a lovesick puppy, perhaps."
He shouldn't have said it. But it was too late, he knew it the moment Aegon's expression changed, and a smug smile appeared on his face again. "So you admit you were in love with me?"
Thankfully, the sound of approaching footsteps made both of them fall silent, and Jace brushed past Aegon to open a cupboard, pretending to look for something, his face burning from embarrassment. His unlikely savior turned out to be Daeron. He glanced at his brother and then at Jace. "Your mother's asking you to bring the jam on your way back. She said you know which."
"Fine," Jace turned to the cupboard again, both relieved and annoyed that his own mother didn't trust him to stay alone with Aegon for five minutes. Then again, it wasn't like he didn't deserve that.
With the pretty little jar of pear jam in hand Jace finally turned to Aegon and Daeron again, only to find them in a staring contest Daeron was clearly losing. Though he was holding up rather admirably, considering how unnerving Aegon could be when he was displeased.
"I thought your mother was against tattoos," Jace nodded at the inky dragon on Daeron's inner forearm, and the guy - his uncle, hilarious - rubbed it with a grimace, but before he could say anything Aegon answered for him.
"She had learned to pick her battles since," Aegon clapped his little brother's shoulder and headed out of the kitchen, but smirked at Jace from the doorway. "But you remember her reaction to my first one, don't you?"
Oh, yes. Jace remembered. He was the one who rubbed ointment into Aegon's shoulder blade after Alicent threw a fit and forbade Helaena and Aemond from helping their brother. And Aegon could barely reach it himself. His first tattoo was relatively modest - a gothic tree, probably intended as a tribute to his angsty phase. As for the rest of them, Jace knew there was at least one more on his arm, a geometric dotwork that was bigger and bolder than the first one, and knowing Aegon it was entirely possible there were more now.
"I feel like I missed more than a half of this conversation," Daeron's voice forced Jace to come back to reality.
He shrugged, because if Daeron felt so unfamiliar to him, barely more than a faceless quiet boy in his memory, he couldn't help but wonder if it was almost the same for Aegon, Aemond and Helaena.
The rest of the evening dragged on. Mostly he talked to his grandfather who was predictably interested in his major and future plans, so it was convenient that Jace already had a couple of vague enough answers prepared. Still, a part of him wanted to hide in his room, away from his mother's worried stares and Aegon's fucking voice that made that strange nameless feeling in the pit in his stomach grow larger and larger. Aegon didn't talk much. His relationship with Jace's mother and Daemon were notoriously strained, so he mostly kept to his side of the family, annoying Aemond and Daeron out of boredom.
Was the same boredom the reason why they crossed the line that summer, two years ago?
Jace had a good excuse. He was sixteen and angry at the whole world, but mostly at his parents. His father just left the country after he and Rhaenyra had fallen apart. They were never married for some legal reasons, but everybody knew they were together and had children and were as good as married… till something happened. And whatever that something was, it made Harwin Strong pack his things, leave the country and only grace his sons with a phone call three months later. He tried to give the same tired excuses of serving in the middle of nowhere without any signal, but Jace turned around and left the room, ignoring mother's voice that implored him to give Harwin a chance. Joff seemed unsure about the whole matter. And Jace couldn't fucking stand being around Luke that time, livid at his younger brother for believing or pretending to believe that pile of shit Harwin offered them.
Still, he couldn't be absent from the house for too long, so he spent hours in his favorite uncle's room instead.
It was weird. They simultaneously knew each other and were almost strangers. In hindsight, what followed wasn't all that surprising. They were Targaryens after all, and had fewer taboos than most people. The only thing Jace couldn't wrap his head around was why he still couldn't get over it.
He was a straight A student, sure to graduate top of his class, had more money in his bank account than he could spend in a lifetime and Addam was the best boyfriend anyone could wish for - handsome, gentle and patient.
And yet there was that strange sense of wrongness just wouldn't let him go, persistent to the point of slowly driving him mad.