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Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect
A/N – Just a bit of crack silliness written in response to a drabble challenge in the MEFFW.
"Garrus is pregnant?"
Garrus' head snapped around at the whispered comment, his jaw dropping open and mandibles flaring in shock. Two female Alliance officers were sitting together across the mess, their heads close as they gossiped quietly. He picked up his fork and tried to act nonchalant; maybe he'd heard wrong? Maybe they'd said someone else's name that just sounded like his?
One of them looked up and saw him watching them. She giggled and elbowed her friend, nodding in his direction. The other woman went bright pink and leapt to her feet, dragging her fried up as she looked anywhere in the room except at Garrus.
"Why didn't you tell me he was there?" she hissed quietly as they scurried away. "I don't think the commander has told him yet!"
The other woman looked back over her shoulder at Garrus and erupted into giggles again. "What? You mean he doesn't know… ?"
Their voices were lost as they vanished around the corner, and Garrus swallowed hard as he stood, his appetite gone. His hands curled into tight fists, talons digging into his palms as he struggled to make sense of what he'd just heard.
Someone was going around telling people that he was pregnant, and sounded as though that person was the commander! The entire idea was ridiculous! He was a male turian! He couldn't get pregnant! This sounded like something out one of Traynor's erotic fanfics where sexy robot women fall in love with equally sexy human women.
He clicked his mandibles together unhappily; he'd find Shepard and ask her what hell was going on. It was the only way to find out where this stupid rumour was coming from! Angrily, Garrus swung around and stomped to the elevator and stabbed the summon button with one claw, pacing as he waited.
Fury simmered in his chest, tight and hot, as the elevator arrived and the doors opened, a familiar voice floating out.
"… apparently Javik told her that he sensed multiple presences within Garrus, so she looked up the signs of pregnancy on the extranet and it fits." Joker limped out of the elevator, his eyes gleaming as he hobbled along next to James. "Oh hey Garrus." He smirked as the turian scowled at him.
James grinned broadly. "Hey buddy." He paused and clapped him on the shoulder. "I just heard the good news!"
"W-what?" Garrus stuttered and stumbled back, his eyes widening.
How many people had she told?
"Oh, come on!" James cocked his head to the side and grinned. "I think it's cute!"
"Cute?" He bristled unhappily and frowned at the grinning idiots. "There isn't anything remotely cute about it!"
"Okay, okay. Whatever you say." James backed off, the happy expression vanishing as he saw how grumpy the turian was. "But I for one am looking forward to seeing the babies. They're going to be so cuddly."
Garrus growled and pushed past them, closing the elevator door in their faces. When he reached Shepard's floor the doors opened to reveal that her cabin door was open, and he crept forward as he heard muffled voices. Normally he wouldn't have dared to listen into a private conversation, but the thought of her gossiping about him made his blood boil.
"I don't know how it happened!" He heard Shepard lament as he peeked around the corner of her room; she was sitting at her desk and talking to Kaidan. "I guess he was pregnant when I brought him on board." She paused and shook her head. "Sorry, I meant when I brought her on board. If he's pregnant I guess he can't be a male after all, can he?"
Garrus pulled back around the corner and gnashed his teeth. Not a male? How could Shepard say such a thing?
There was a pause and he heard Kaidan sigh. "Maybe take Garrus to Chakwas? She could confirm it?"
"Chakwas is a human doctor. She's not going to be able to confirm that Garrus is pregnant!"
That was it! He couldn't take it anymore!
Garrus stomped around the corner dramatically, glaring at the two human spectres as they jumped at his sudden appearance.
"I don't know what you're playing at Shepard," he began angrily. "But telling the crew that I'm pregnant is not in the least bit professional or funny. I don't know what you're playing at!"
Shepard stared at him for a moment and then burst into laughter - falling off her chair as she shrieked with amusement. Kaidan began to laugh too, his shoulders shaking as he doubled over and looked up at Garrus as though he had just said the most hilarious thing in the world.
"Stop that!" Garrus snapped. "It's not funny! I'm not pregnant!"
The commander wiped tears of mirth from her eyes as she got herself back under control. "Yes, it is," she gasped, almost losing it again as Kaidan covered his mouth to stifle his laugher. "I forgot that you didn't know!"
"Know what?" He growled, folding his arms across his chest. "Because I'd sure as hell know if I'd achieved the medical miracle of getting pregnant!"
"No, not that." Shepard finally stopped chuckling long enough to point up at her hamster's cage. "I forgot to tell you that I named my hamster Garrus."
A/N – Forgive me?