Work Text:
Title - Entertaining Pursuits
Series - House Arrest Can Be Fun
Rating - NC-17 (barely)
Disclaimer - so not mine.
author's notes - 1) for tuaneter. 2) AU obviously 3) none of this has any plot so it goes without saying it's hedging into the PWP category.
Chapter Five
"I’m bored," the Master sighed suddenly over tea.
"Go visit the gardens," the Doctor replied absently. "I’m sure you’re poisonous plants have missed your off key singing today."
"No," the Master sighed. "I’ve already checked on them twice today. They’re currently happy strangling all your roses and taking over the soil."
"Right," the Doctor leaned back in his chair and looked at the Master appraisingly. "Library?"
"The Tardis won’t let me read anything past the third shelf and it’s all trashy romance novels where hunky men with bulging muscles and brains like yams are ripping open women’s bodices while the smart, scrawny guys are overlooked."
"Well are the plots any good?"
The Master simply glared at him. "What do you think?"
"Have you tried telly?"
"2000 channels and nothing new on except the latest episode of that Mexican soap opera where the guy is dressed as a bumblebee."
"Not even porn?"
"Once you’ve seen two naked women and a horses saddle in real life it loses it’s allure on telly." The Master shrugged.
"Don’t want to know," the Doctor sighed.
"Sometimes it’s good to rule the world," the Master smiled.
"How about a board game?" the Doctor suggested, valiantly trying to change the subject and clear his mind’s eye of exactly what the Master had done with two women and a horse’s saddle.
"I miss Martha," the Master sighed suddenly as he reached for a handful of jellybabies from the bowl in the center of the table.
"Master," the Doctor sighed. "It’s not like she’s left us or anything. Her and her old roommate Vanessa just want to spend some time together catching up."
"In private," the Master added.
"That’s fine," the Doctor replied. "I’m sure they’re doing girl talk and stuff. Once we’re done with the repairs, make a quick pit stop in Cardiff and then it’s off to Barcelona for a week of fun in the sun. I bet Martha will even hang on your shoulder a bit while we’re sightseeing to make you look sexy and desirable in front of others."
"How many times have you ever heard of girl talk involving moans, groans and shrieks of ‘Oh. My. God!’?" The Master retorted.
"They’re probably," the Doctor ran a finger around the front of his shirt collar. "Gossiping about boys from school. Like the girls used to do at the Academy. They were always very vocal. Besides you shouldn’t be spying."
"Doctor," the Master sighed. "I was in the girl’s dorm at the Academy more than once."
"Yeah? So?"
"It made the boys dorm seem like a Disney movie."
"Oh?" The Doctor blushed. "You mean they were?"
"Hair barrettes were not the only thing they shared in those dorm rooms," the Master rolled his eyes pointedly. "Besides, spying is what I’m good at. I even managed to get some of it on tape."
"Really?" The Doctor felt his voice rise an octave. "You mean the Academy or-"
"Martha and Vanessa," the Master sighed. "Stay on plot here please. So you want to see what they’ve been up to or not?"
"No!" The Doctor said firmly. "I don’t need to spy on Martha."
Suddenly the Master’s eyes lit up and he bolted backwards from the table. Trying to keep up, the Doctor rushed behind him across the console room and toward Martha’s suite. "What are you doing?" The Doctor hissed.
"Obviously someone forgot to tell Miss Jones," the Master smirked. "That sharing is caring and to truly show how much you adore a male time lord nothing quite beats a threesome with two hot girls."
"I’m not at all interested in being part of Martha’s sexual relationship with Vanessa," the Doctor sniffed.
"Not you!" The Master slapped him solidly against the back of the head. "ME!"
"Well wouldn’t it be an orgy then?" The Doctor looked at him curiously.
"What?" The Master slid to a halt in the corridor.
"Wouldn’t it be an orgy?" The Doctor repeated. "Martha, Vanessa, you and me? That’s four people. I’ve heard of couples, threesomes but I think once you hit four it’s technically an orgy."
"You, me, Martha, and Vanessa?" The Master asked. "That’s what I call an impossibility of the highest caliber. Now excuse me, I’m going to go offer to introduce Martha and Vanessa to some of our culture."
"Culture?" The Doctor put his glasses on. "You’re already teaching her to read and write Gallifreyan. The two of you cook once a week in the kitchen together. You’ve had countless biology lessons, botany lessons, chemistry lessons, anatomy lessons. What else do you intend to teach her?"
"She’s a voracious learner," the Master shrugged. "Who am I to deny knowledge? And besides it doesn’t hurt for her to know Time Lord biology if one of us gets hurt or sick it’s less risky if we have a doctor on board who knows what to do. Besides it’s fun. But no I was thinking of a more entertaining pursuit."
"What’s that?"
"Poker."
"They have poker on Earth." The Doctor suggested.
"Gallifreyan poker," the Master clarified. "Of the strip variety."
"Oh," the Doctor replied suddenly. He turned and knocked promptly on Martha’s door.
"Martha?" He called out pleasantly. "Would you and Vanessa care to come outside? The Master and I have some free time while the Tardis recharges. We thought we could all play a nice game of cards to while away the time and get to know each other better."
The door slid open and the Doctor and Master looked at the two dishelved, half clothed women inside. Vanessa was wearing a tiny jogging bra and Martha’s pajama shorts. Martha meanwhile was wearing the pajama top that grazed the top of her thighs and the Doctor could see nothing else. "Let us get dressed."
"No, no," the Master smiled. "That’s not necessary. I mean we’re all adults here and you girls you should stay comfortable. This is your home as well after all."
"You sure?" Martha asked.
"Positive," the Doctor agreed. "In fact Martha I insist."
Hand one:
"So how is this played again?" Vanessa asked.
"Just like Earth poker," the Master assured her. "Five cards. The only difference is that the hands are a little different. It’ll be easier to teach you what beats what as we go along."
"You promise not to let him cheat yeah?" Martha asked the Doctor.
"Of course," the Doctor assured her.
The Second Hand. Scoring stands at - the Doctor has won, Martha has lost a hair clip, Vanessa a shoe, and the Master his tie.
"So the lower the hand the better your chance of winning then yeah?" Martha smirked.
"Or cards of the same color," the Master agreed. "Black beats red, Spades beat Clubs, Diamonds beat Hearts."
"Crap," the Doctor muttered. He had a hand of 2,3,4,5,6. All spades.
Hand Three. The score stands at: Martha has lost her shoes, Vanessa has lost her pajama bottoms. (The Master and the Doctor are both disappointed to see she was wearing knickers. ) The Master has lost his suit coat.
"Oh looky!" Vanesssa shrieked happily. "I won this time!"
The Doctor leaned over as the Master began to cut the cards. "You’re cheating aren’t you?" The Master simply laughed in response.
Hand four. The score stands at: Martha has lost her pajama shirt (the Master and Doctor are disappointed to find that she is also wearing knickers and a jogging bra). The Doctor has lost his suit coat. The Master has lost his loafers.
"I win again," the Doctor glared cuttingly at the Master. "I’m surprised you aren’t doing better Kosch. You’re usually so good at cards."
"Kosch?" Martha asked.
"My nickname at the Academy," the Master shrugged. "Guess lady luck’s against me tonight. Oh well."
The Doctor tried to bite back a retort as he watched the Master catch Vanessa’s eye. She looked slightly stunned and he couldn’t avoid the fact that the Master had run his finger up her wrist as he dealt her cards.
Hand five. The scoring stands at : The Master has lost his socks. Martha and Vanessa have taken the dubious route of handing over their earrings. The Doctor doesn’t reply that they aren’t exactly clothing.
"I win again," the Doctor sighed heavily. The others were rapidly getting naked and here he sat like a nun at a swingers party.
Hand six. The score stands at : The Master has lost his shirt. Martha and Vanessa have lost their jogging bras. The Doctor is feeling conspicuously overdressed.
"Oh look!" The Master smiled. "A hand has gone my way finally. Aren’t I lucky?"
Hand Seven. The score stands at : The Doctor has lost his tie. Martha and Vanessa have taken the bargain of sitting on the Master’s knee for two hands in return for keeping their knickers.
"Oh wow!" The Master didn’t try to hide the gloat in his tone. "My luck really has changed. Whatever are we going to compromise now ladies?"
Hand Eight. The score stands at: The Doctor has lost one shirt. Martha and Vanessa have agreed to kiss each other while sitting on the Master’s knee.
"It’s not really fair to them if you can see their cards," the Doctor pointed out.
"I’m helping them play," the Master retorted. "They aren’t doing very well on their own obviously."
Hand Nine. The score stands at: Martha and Vanessa agree to each kiss the Master and remain sitting on his knee. The Doctor loses his trousers. No one notices. He decided to throw the Master’s Scissor Sisters cd’s into the vast emptiness of space.
Hand Ten.
The Doctor slams the tea kettle onto the range to boil. "Caring is sharing my arse," he grumbles to the empty kitchen. He sips his tea angrily as he storms into the control room. He’d take them through the Horsehead Nebula just to shake things up a bit but the Master would enjoy it too much. He sits instead in front of the telly. He DVR’d the last two episodes of the Mexican soap opera with the man in a bumblebee suit and now would be as good a time to watch them as any. After all, he thought crankily. Everyone else was occupied.