Chapter Text
Jungwon thanked the bus driver as he got off his stop. He had just returned from school, and his taekwondo practice had been canceled.
More like he bailed out at the last minute.
He told his coach that he wouldn’t be able to make it due to internal conflicts in his family. Truthfully, he just wasn’t sure if he was ready to go down the lonely path of an athlete.
Four years. He spent four years as an athlete so far, and he was already doubting his future. He loved the sport, sure, but what he was most afraid about was that what if he got tired of the sport after committing to it for a career? He was scared of burnout, to put it in simpler terms.
It was more of a hobby that he took seriously. He wasn’t ready to make his life about something he picked up as a child.
Jungwon needed time to think, and going to taekwondo practice was definitely not the answer to his problems.
“Grandma?” He called as he took off his shoes and stepped further into the house. “I’m here!”
“Oh, Jungwon! I’m in the kitchen!”
He heard the sweet voice of his grandma, and that was enough to put a smile on his face. He rushed to the kitchen, and saw her carrying two cups over to the table.
“I made some tea right before you came back. Have some!” She pushed the blue cup towards him, and he peered over the top of the rim to find rose buds floating in the water.
“What did you do today?” He asked before taking a sip of the tea.
“I met up with some old friends and we went for a walk in the park. Then I did some cleaning up at your place.” She replied with a smile on her face. “What about you, Jungwon? How was school?”
Jungwon smiles back at her as he recounts the events of his day at school. He tells her about how Sunoo had danced to a TWICE song in the school courtyard with his dance crew, and about how when he asked the older why he was still in the crew which only had girls in it, he had simply replied with: “Because my friend is in it, and she’s pretty shy. I wanted to leave, but who will support her if I do?”
He tells her about how he absolutely bombed that math test today, and how he’ll be dead meat when he goes home today. He tells her about how the P.E. teacher treated them to ice cream.
He tells her about taekwondo.
“Grandma, can you please do me a favor? Can you call my mom and tell her that I’m not feeling well, so I won’t be going to practice today?” He looks at his grandma with pleading eyes.
She raises an eyebrow. “Why? You look fine right now. What’s the matter, Jungwon?”
“I just… Need some time to think. Argh, it’s complicated. Just this once, please?” He has his hands clasped together now.
His grandma narrows her eyes at him, but agrees anyway.
Later on, he hears her on the phone while he sits in the living room. “Hello? Dear, Jungwon is at my house right now and he’s not looking too well. I don’t think he’ll be able to make it to his practice…”
“Yes… He’s disappointed, but what can we do? Oh— no, I think he just needs to rest today. He was stressed out by an assessment at school. You don’t need to come get him, he’s fine here. Don’t worry, of course I can take care of him! I’m your mother, aren’t I?”
Looks like he’s evaded practice today. Though he doubts he can keep doing this every time.
Sunoo looks at his Instagram.
Sure, he has plenty of followers from his school, maybe from other ones too. Sure, he’ll admit that he thought that he wasn’t too bad looking. Sure, he liked to sing and dance.
But he was never expecting for an agency to reach out to him first.
He would’ve expected himself to go door to door to different agencies before finally finding one that would see the potential in him and nourish him into an idol.
The DM is glaring at him right in his face. Not only is it a casting DM, but one from a considerably large agency at that.
He almost feels like he’s floating.
He skips down the street to enter the convenience store where his sister was working.
Sunoo couldn’t wait to tell her about the good news. He and his sister, like any other siblings, squabbled on a daily basis. But they were also best friends. They talked about the idols they liked, they learned different choreo together, and laughed at each other whenever they sang on the made up stage that was their parents’ bed.
He’s walking through the chip aisle when he hears a pair of two female voices on the other side of the shelves.
“They trained me until I threw up sometimes… I only got a break after that.” She sounded like she was about to cry. “Plus, I could only eat one meal a day, and it wasn’t even that filling. One bowl of miyeok-guk a day. I’m never going to enjoy my birthday meals ever again.”
“Oh my god… Maybe it’s for the best that you left the company.”
“I’ve been training for years now! But some of the trainers really mistreated the girls. The guys… They get less insults, cause well, men, I guess. But the staff at my company were really weird and sexualized them a lot or something… I don’t know. It was all shit.”
Oh. Was she a trainee?
“Listen, you might not be able to be an idol, but at least you get to be free now. You don’t have to be famous to have a good future! Plus, you’ve thrown away your whole youth for this, you didn’t have a proper childhood!”
“You’re right. Some of the foreigners can’t even go home… I should just try a different path. Should I try enrolling in a hagwon…?”
He knew the entertainment industry was harsh, but yeesh. After hearing it from a true source, it seems two times worse than he imagined.
“Noona, just this.” Sunoo walks up to the cash register after seeing the two school girls leave. He throws a bag of chips and a pack of candy on to the counter. “Technically, if I buy this, then I paid off all that debt, right?”
His older sister behind the counter counts the total, and with an amused smile on her face, she sighs. “Oh well, I guess so. It was nice bossing you around though. Thanks for contributing to my paycheque!” Suyeon collects the money from him, and after slotting it in the correct section in the register, she faces him and grins. “So I’m guessing I have to help you audition now?”
“Oh, right… About that…”
They’re sitting at the seating in the store by the window, and his sister absolutely freaks out when he shows her his casting offer.
“What? Sunoo, this is big news! Hurry, what are you waiting for? Accept the offer!” She hits him out of excitement. “I never knew this day would come so soon… You’re not even that handsome!”
“Oh, shut up.” Sunoo pushes her away. “Actually… I’m having second thoughts on becoming an idol.”
Suyeon has a genuinely shocked expression on her face, and looks even more devastated than he was himself. “What are you talking about? You’ve been wanting to be an idol since forever! Why the change of heart now?”
“I don’t know, Noona… Am I willing to throw away a normal teenage life just for some fame and money, plus endless criticism and suffering? Am I willing to endure hell everyday? Am I willing to listen to insults after I did nothing wrong?” He lists off everything he had considered within the next three minutes after listening to the trainee girl talk about her worries.
Before, his view on the K-pop Industry was as follows: Extreme diets, intense training, busy schedules, overworking, loving fans, flaming netizens, crappy management companies—
That was just the surface.
But today, he really opened his eyes.
“You’ve been dreaming about this since, like, forever. You dance so well and your singing is way too good to ignore, I’m sure you would make it big.” Suyeon raises an eyebrow, looking at him with the most disbelief he’s ever seen on her face ever since he gained consciousness in the brain.
“I wanna be more realistic now. It was just a dream I chased after without considering how much I had to sacrifice.” Sunoo shook his head. Suyeon would definitely think he was being bullied at school or something.
“What made you change your mind? I for sure thought that you were gonna be that legendary trainee kid whose dream was to be an idol since birth.”
“I just really thought about it, you know? Don’t worry.”
“Oh… Well, I can’t force you to do anything. If you really want to give up now, just give it some thought. This is a big opportunity that not everyone gets.” She patted his back. “But if you’re thinking for your best interests, then do whatever you think is right. And if you’re being bullied or something, tell me right away, okay?”
Yep. She definitely thought he was being bullied.
“Thanks for understanding, Noona.”
“Slump?”
“Sorry, coach.”
“No… I get it. You’ve been going non stop these days. But it’s a crucial time, you know? Nationals are coming up… You need to come up with your theme and performance soon.”
Sunghoon has his hands behind his back, and his head hangs low. “I know… I just think I’m lacking inspiration. I haven’t been able to take a breather lately, either.”
“Well, you better be back on your feet soon. We can talk about this again tomorrow. Just keep working on your jumps in the meantime, okay?” His coach gives him a firm pat on the back. “Now get out there.”
Sunghoon nods and slides on to the ice. He skates a few laps before doing a few single jumps.
He looks to the bleachers, where his mother was sitting and observing. Yeji had also tagged along at the request of their mother, but she showed no interest in his training session, and instead kept her eyes glued to her device.
When he decides he’s warmed up enough, he goes for a triple axel.
Sure enough, he has a lousy landing, and is left with a feeling of dissatisfaction churning in his stomach.
“That was really lame, Oppa!” Yeji yells. When she finally decides to look at him, of course when he’s absolutely failing in his jumps.
“Be quiet!” He yells right back.
He feels stuck. And it’s going to be a long time before he gets out.
It’s like the “Crayon in my Mind” documentary all over again. They had filmed him go through one of his worst slumps back then, with the failing axels and tantrums and all. He had dented the ice with his picks, cried after not being able to land a successful jump and sulked when his mother and coach had scolded him.
At least he has the mind to not do any of that now. After all, he was turning seventeen soon, right?
Eight years on the stage of ice.
Eight years of only having his mother, father and Yeji by his side. Sure, he talked to Byun Sejong or Lim Eunsoo when he saw them, but they weren’t like the type of friends who he would hang out with outside of the rink or go out to the arcade with.
He skates around some more before trying a triple-double combination, He slips a little bit on the triple jump, but is able to execute the rest as he would if he wasn’t in a slump. He clicks his tongue in annoyance, and skates another lap around the rink.
Watch the surroundings. Maintain good posture. Get ready for the jump. Have the correct jumping form. Kick off. Triple axel.
Much to his dismay, he trips on the landing, hits the boards and comes crashing to the ground. He’s unmoving, back facing the bleachers and face hidden from the world.
Sunghoon’s fall gains the attention of the other skaters around him, his coach, and of course his family watching.
“Sunghoon, come off the ice.” His coach calls.
He pushes off the ground and staggers when he gets up, but he makes it off the rink and sits on the benches.
“I think you need to think for a while. You can take a break for now, okay?” She says, patting his back. “Then we’ll go back and start from the basics, alright?”
“Yeah…”
“Hey, Park Jay!”
Jay turns around and looks down the hall to find Euijoo chasing after him.
“Yeah, what's up?”
“Can I borrow your English notes? I fell asleep in class, and you know I’m doomed tomorrow.”
Oh. When you’re from America, he supposes there's no way to stop other students from seeking help with the English subject. But to be honest, he wasn’t that good with the technical terms and only knew the basics of the grammar rules, so he was probably scamming them right now.
“Sure. They’re in my desk drawer with the blue notebook.” He replied, and watched as his friend said his thanks and ran off to their classroom.
Jay wouldn’t say he was too popular. Sure, he had a lot of friends, but it wasn’t like he was an extrovert that went around befriending everyone. Back in Seattle, he was more outgoing and rowdy. But now that he’s moved to Korea, he feels a bit out of place, and isn’t as loud as he used to be. Plus, there’s a language barrier– He barely knows how to crack a good joke or any slang.
Despite being in Korea for about eight years now, he still feels like a total foreigner.
He still misses the clam chowder back in Seattle, the way the neighborhood looked, all of his friends–
Homesickness. Only, his home was in Korea now.
“Jay!”
He turned around and saw his friends running towards him. Jay waved to him, and stumbled forward once Huening Kai reached him and practically tried to tackle him to the ground.
“Hey, what do you want? I’m trying to go talk to our teacher.” He laughed, fist bumping the others.
“Are you kidding? Do that later, the menu today is sweet and sour pork! We gotta go to the canteen right now.” Kang Taehyun said, probably looking the most worked up he’d been the whole week.
“Seriously? You guys should go first, I really need to talk to the teacher.”
“Huh. Fine then, but you better hurry up and find us later! By the time you come down, there’s going to be no pork left.”
“Well, you know Mr. Han. Nobody ever knows where he is on his breaks.” Jay shrugged. “I gotta find him now.”
He was technically telling the truth. Mr. Han suddenly disappeared during lunch break and nobody could catch him at a good time. But Jay could’ve definitely accepted his friends’ offer and ran down to the canteen and then look for Mr. Han after school, but if he was being honest, he was a little tired today. He was constantly surrounded by people, whether he was friendly with them or not, and he may have gotten ‘E’ on the MBTI test Kim Gaeul made him take, but he liked his alone time too. Sometimes even extroverts need their time to recharge.
“True. Okay, then, see you later! Don’t take too long!”
Jay watched his friends disappear down the halls in a flurry of laughter, going on about something about Kai burping out the alphabet.
The hallways are finally silent again, with only a few other students passing by. He stops to look out the window, down at the students enjoying their lunch break in the courtyard. Some girls are dancing and the other boys in his grade were huddled together on a bench probably playing games.
“Oh, Sir.” He calls out once he sees his teacher walking down the hall, with probably more important matters to attend to. Lucky for him, he caught Mr. Han before he could disappear off to wherever he goes.
“Hello, Jay. How can I help you?”
“I just wanted to tell you that tomorrow I won’t be coming to school. Is that okay?”
His parents had gotten a ticket to some fancy show, but he doesn’t know what. Did they say it was a skating show? Whatever it was, he was allowed to skip school for it.
“Of course. I’ll arrange some worksheets for you to bring home, alright? It’ll be the material you’ll be missing.”
“Thank you, Sir.” He bows, and raises his head when he sees his teacher walking away.
Then once again, he’s left alone in the empty hallways.
“You’ve been at this for months now, Jaeyun.”
“No. But– But why? This is so random. I’m doing fine in Australia, and then you say what?” Jake groaned in disbelief. “Why can’t I stay here with Auntie or something?”
“Jaeyun, we’re all going. Even your older brother– He’s not happy about this either. You’re not the only one leaving things behind.” His mom sighs. “Your father’s work depends on this, you know? This will be better for the family. I’ve said this before so many times.”
“I don’t see how it’ll be better for me.” He grumbled.
“Jakey.”
“What?”
“Sulking won’t help you stay in Australia. Everybody has to accept changes to their lives at some point. If me and your father adapted to Australia after living in Korea our whole lives, then you can surely get used to Korea.” She looked at him with a stern look. Clearly, she wasn’t in the mood for this.
Despite saying his goodbyes to his friends, teachers and peers the day before, he still didn’t want to leave Brisbane. After all, who would want to leave a place they’ve lived their whole life in? Definitely not him. Even after having the chance to accept the fact that they were moving for literally months, he was still stubborn and insisted that he wouldn’t enjoy Korea.
“I can’t speak Korean well. I’ll fail in school, then I won’t be able to go to University or get a job, then I’ll become homeless once you force me to move out..” Jake nudged his mom. “Are you sure you can’t just let me stay here? For the benefit of my future?”
“Sim Jaeyun.”
“Okay, okay! Sorry!”
His mood was foul, his day was ruined. It had been for a while now. His flight was tomorrow afternoon, and he had approximately fourteen hours to think of a way to get left behind in Australia, run away from the airport or kidnap himself and hide until his parents had no choice but to leave him behind.
“I’m never going to get used to Korea.” He mutters under his breath.
“I got used to Australia, you can get used to Korea! Plus, you were born there, remember?”
“Oh yeah, ‘cause I totally remember everything from the moment I was born.”
“Jaeyun...”
“My bad. I’m leaving now. Good night!”
“Hey, Lee Heeseung. Can’t you stop playing games all day?”
“Shut up, hyung.”
“Ever since you got dropped from your agency, you’ve spent every day at the PC cafe. You can’t just let one thing affect your whole life.”
Heeseung started fuming the moment Heedo mentioned the agency.
About a month ago, Heeseung was an idol trainee. He was doing fine at first, but then everything went downhill. He couldn’t dance like he used to. His voice was cracking all the time. Some said he was in a slump and he just needed time to get back on his feet, others said that he just wasn’t good enough to reach the level of training needed to become an idol.
Then he failed his monthly evaluation.
Now, his coping mechanism was just coming to the PC cafe everyday after school, and going home late. Sure, he got scolded all the time by his mom these days, but he didn’t really care. He was too tired to listen to her anyways.
“Hyung, you don’t know how it feels. I was doing fine, then all of a sudden I suck. I was about to go through the selection process for a debut group, but guess what I’m doing now?” He spat, clicking his mouse furiously.
“You’re probably not the only one who has gone through that before, so stop acting like it’s the end of the world.” His brother scoffs. “Get a grip of reality, pick up your life and start living a good lifestyle.”
“I’d do it if it was that easy.”
“Nothing is easy.”
“I know that!”
He can just barely see Heedo in the reflection of the computer screen when he’s focusing on the graphics instead of the reflection. He’s crossing his arms and doesn’t look impressed.
“Heeseung… Just– Wake up, will you? You’re in your senior year.” His brother before leaving his side and walking out of the cafe.
Silence.
He’s spacing out, and he’s long since died in his game of League. If he really thinks about it for a second, he knows that he’s been just letting his life fall apart completely. He’s been eating cup ramen and little to no vegetables or meat these days. School doesn’t even matter anymore. He spends all his time at the PC cafe, whittling away time in front of a computer screen.
A ringing from his phone makes Heeseung flinch.
It’s none other than Nishimura Riki. He met the boy at the training center, and he had befriended him after being paired up with him for their dance lessons. The boy was very young, but a crazy good dancer.
He stayed in the company, while Heeseung did not— And if he said he wasn’t jealous— He would be absolutely lying.
“Hmm? How are you, Ni-ki?”
“Oh– Hi, hyung…”
But the least he can do is root for the kid and show his support. “What’s up? How are you these days? You’re taking enough breaks, I hope.”
“So about that… Actually, where are you? I need to tell you this in person…” The foreigner sounds a bit more confused with his words than usual, and he sounds nervous, like he was a kid trying to cover up the broken vase from his mother.
“Um… I’m at XX PC cafe? You know, right?”
“Okay, stay right there.”
Heeseung was a good person. He was Riki’s first non-japanese friend. The first Korean trainee he ever befriended. A lot of people might’ve said that he was too cold, and had an unapproachable aura, but he got close enough to him to know that he was shy, clumsy and sweet. Riki really liked the guy!
So of course, he’s the first person he tells when he gets dropped by the company after punching another trainee in the face.
Multiple times.
“What? Are you serious right now? How could you do that?” He can’t tell if Heeseung is angry, furious, absolutely fuming or all of the above. But overall, he just seems confused.
“Hey, wait! Hear me out, okay?” Riki holds up his hands in defense before Heeseung can punch him.
The elder sits back in his chair, then crosses his arms with his eyes narrowed.
“So… You know Ujin, right?” Riki started. Heeseung nodded. Everybody in the training center knew Ujin. He was an absolute asshole. An asshole with talent. “He was talking shit about Taki.”
Heeseung raised an eyebrow. “Now that’s a totally different story.”
“Yeah! He was saying things about how he was ugly, how locking wasn’t a talent, and that he should just go home. I got really mad, so… Um, yeah. You know.” Riki scratched his head. Even if he did feel pretty bummed (extremely depressed) about the fact that he got dropped from the company, he doesn’t regret his actions. Ujin deserved it anyways.
“Well… I would get mad at you if it wasn’t Ujae. But really, Riki? Putting your trainee contract on the line? Now where are you going to go?” Heeseung sighed in disbelief and shook his head.
“When I signed the paper to terminate my contract, it came with a guaranteed ticket back home. I’m going back to Japan next month, hyung.”
Heeseung’s face visibly dropped, as if his frown from before wasn’t enough. “What?”
“What? There’s no reason for me to stay here anymore, is there?” Riki shrugged. “I’ll go back to school, I’ll get a job when I’m older. I already skipped a lot in the first place, so I think I should really start taking things seriously, yeah?”
“You could try again. Look for different companies. It doesn’t have to be that one. Someone will surely see the talent in you, it’s too good to be wasted.”
“I can dance in my parents’ studio with my sisters, so it’s not like I’m never dancing again.”
Still, Heeseung looks… Frantic?
“Who do you think is going to take in a troublemaking trainee like me? That’d be no good for anyone’s reputation.”
No one says anything for a few moments.
“What about you, hyung? I don’t think you’re doing too well these days.”
Heeseung looks taken aback, and waves his hands in refusal. “What do you mean? I’m doing fine now, aren’t I?” He scoffs. Not very believable. “Not being a trainee means I can take more breaks and I have more time for myself.”
Riki squints. “Hyung, didn’t school go out only thirty minutes ago? And you’re already here.”
“There was an event today in the game.”
“Sure…”
“Really, Riki. You shouldn’t be worrying about me, because right now, you’re in more of a pickle than I am.” Heeseung smiles and leans forward to ruffle his hair. “Plus, who are you to worry about your hyung? I should be the one asking you that.”
“I’m fine. Sure, I’m pretty disappointed, but I don’t regret anything and I learned a lot coming here. I can speak two languages now, see?” Riki started rambling. “It’ll help me in Korean class back home. I can dance ten times better. I’ll get to see my family again.”
“Alright. Well then, you’ll just have to text me everyday, got that?” Heeseung chuckled.
“And you have to stop being depressed.”
They link their pinkies together. “We’ll find each other again one day, don’t worry.”