Chapter Text
There were only four -no- five times, Adrien Agreste could remember in his lifetime when he had wanted nothing more than to kill himself.
The first had been when his mother disappeared for…well, obvious reasons.
The second had been shortly after a failed attempt when, in a rage about the ‘Agreste name and its prestigious image!’ and a long monologue about legacy, Adrien’s shortcomings and the potential pushback Gabriel Designs would receive should it’s top model end up splattered on the pavement, and (maybe, at least Adrien wanted to believe) some small amount of genuine concern for his son, his father, Gabriel Agreste, had quietly admitted him to be treated for depression, anxiety and an eating disorder, far, far away from the prying eyes of Paris.
The third time he’d slipped had been when he’d failed to sneak his way into public school. The isolation had been getting to him again, but with windows bolted shut and everything even remotely dangerous removed from his room, he’d yearned for, but failed to find, an opportunity. But then- just when he’d nearly given up, he’d met Plagg and -despite a small moment to think about transforming, dropping himself from the tower and letting his transformation go before he hit the ground- had been convinced to stick around for awhile. Within a day he’d been, almost miraculously, allowed to attend public school and made his first, real, friend.
Ladybug.
Of course, that came with the caveat of having to fight super-powered monsters, but regardless…
The fourth time he’d contemplated had been momentary, so much so it had surprised him. Seeing his father take Hawkmoth’s place as Ladybug lifted the butterfly miraculous from his chest had initially caused despair and then, so suddenly it had filled him with guilt, replaced that feeling with utter joy for the fact that he was free, finally free, and would never have to answer to his father another day of his life.
And of course, that all led up to the fifth time which, honestly, he had to have seen coming. Six years without a single slip was a stretch, but he’d made it work, following his own heart…mostly…for once in his life. It was really only a matter of time and everything comes to an end at some point.
His years of self-work ended there, atop the Eiffel Tower, suited up as Astrocat with Ladybug standing across from him, her feet too close to the edge and gaze locked onto his face, staring up at him like he’d beaten a puppy right in front of her.
“Shit, Bug.” He apologized, hands raised in surrender. “It was an accident.”
She backed away, the exact opposite of what he needed in that moment, his eyes flickering frantically between her face and the edge of the platform they stood on. Her eyes filled with unshed tears and her chest heaved as she struggled to catch her breath.
“I’m so sorry.” He continued. “I really didn’t mean to.”
And he hadn’t. They’d landed on the tower mere moments before, ending their weekly run in fits of laughter as they bantered back and forth. She’d come down too fast, skidded towards the edge. He’d done what anyone who cared would do: yell to her, warn her and stop her from descending the tower in a free-fall towards death. Granted, she had her yo-yo, but still- He wouldn’t, couldn’t, let her fall just because she was capable of saving herself. He lov-
He cared about her too much to let that happen.
Only, if he had been thinking, if it had been more than a split second decision, he’d have put out his baton or gently taken her arm to stop her fall instead. He wouldn’t have raised his voice at her, not even for a second, because he knew, and he never wanted to be like-
“P-please, I-“ Ladybug’s stutters were like taking a bullet to the heart and he’d never hated himself more.
“I didn’t mean to startle you. I am so, so sorry.”
“Stop!” She gasped out, hands moving to cover her ears. “Stop apologizing. Can’t- No.” He wilted, cat ears drooping and leather tail sagging pitifully at the reminder. Hadn’t she said he’d always apologized after an outburst? How could he have forgotten? He was fucking this up. The only important person left in his life and he was screwing everything up.
“Sit, Bug. Okay? You’re safe.” He tried his best to reassure her despite the anxiety-triggered nausea that had quickly spread throughout his body. “Can you just come away from the edge now? Please?” He eyed her, waiting impatiently for a response. He’d never been scared when he thought of flinging himself off the tower, but the idea of her-
The desperation in his voice must have been clear because she complied almost immediately, sliding down until she was sitting, hands still hovering over her ears and body trembling so much she resembled a leaf caught in the wind.
“What can I do?”
She reached for him then and he rushed to appease her, allowing her to cling to his suit as she bit at her bottom lip and screwed her eyes shut.
He hated seeing her like this, hated the panic attacks, hated him with every fiber of his being.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered against the leather that covered his chest, voice quiet and hoarse. “You’re not him. I know that. I shouldn’t-“
“It’s okay. I’m still here.” He raised a hand hesitantly, waiting for her to see it and nod before he slid it into her hair and pulled her in for a tight hug. “I shouldn’t have yelled. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I’m alright.” She promised as he basked in the feel of their embrace, nose buried in her hair and delighting in the scent of her black cherry shampoo. “I know you were just trying to keep me safe. I just..spaced out for a minute.”
Spaced out was code for ‘had a debilitating panic attack that made her forget where she was and who she was with’ and though he didn’t agree with her softening of the truth, he always let it be, more worried about her safety than her wording.
“Do you need anything? I can get you some water or a snack or-“
“I’m fine.” She inhaled deeply then exhaled against his chest. “A distraction would be good.”
“Well, aren’t you lucky?” He cooed into her hair, trying his best to lighten the mood. “I happen to have news.”
She shot up like a rocket and he grinned. She was a glutton for gossip, much as she wouldn’t admit it. It almost always worked to pull her back.
“Tell me.” She demanded in an almost child-like tone, big blue eyes locking onto his as he laughed and conceded.
“Next week,” He spoke, rubbing a hand up her arm as they pulled away from each other. “I won’t need a power up to get here.”
“You’re coming to visit?”
“Not quite.” He chuckled at the small frown that pulled at her lips and shook his head.
“It’s not just next week. I won’t need a power up for any of our runs going forward.”
“You’re moving back!” Her excited screech had to have woken half of Paris but he grinned regardless as she threw herself into his lap and sent them toppling back onto the steel platform, arms wrapped around each other and rolling like a bunch of playful puppies. “Did you find what you were looking for?”
“I just got the job offer this week.” He answered, sighing in content at the memory. “A permanent position in my chosen field, in a location I’m already familiar with and potentially with people I already know. It’s close to home but not so close I have to, like, think about it, you know? And I’ve already found an apartment so I’ll only be in the hotel for a few days. We can start meeting multiple times a week if you want. And since we’re both going to be together anyway I thought we could finally-“
“Chat.”
And there went his master plan. How she always managed to be a step ahead of him he’d never know.
“I know, I know.” He appealed, desperate for her to hear him out. “I know I was cagey after we defeated Gabriel, I had a lot going on and I just…wasn’t ready. But it’s been years, Bug. I’m ready if you are. You can get away from him. I could take care of you. You’d be safe. Wouldn’t that be worth it? And it’s not like you’re putting me out or anything, I’ll have an extra bedroom anyway and it has a balcony and locks on both doors so you could lock me out whenever you wanted and-“
“I’ll think about it.” She was so quiet he nearly missed her words, but he swallowed, nodding in response as if he was completely satisfied with that answer.
“That’s all I ask.” All he could ask, really. It was his fault they’d continued to keep their identities a secret after they’d defeated Hawkmoth after all. She’d been ready then, thrilled to have ended Gabriel’s reign, but he’d been terrified. He’d known for sure she’d take one look at him, Adrien Agreste, son of Hawkmoth, and decide that she never wanted to see him again. Of course, as time went on and the panic subsided he realized how stupid of an idea that was. Ladybug was a loving, forgiving person. Even if she was momentarily stunned to have been fighting alongside the villain’s son all those years..she would have given him a chance.
And just when he’d come to that realization, Ladybug had decided he was right and it was better to keep their identities as they were, hidden behind masks in order to preserve the relationship they both cherished.
And then she met him.
“I’m really glad you’re coming back.” Ladybug broke the silence, her hand finding his and gently squeezing.
“Me too, Bug.” He sighed, forcing himself to be content with just her presence. “Me too.”