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Taissa was, by all accounts, more than a little stressed as of currently.
Somehow, Tai had been able to throw herself back on the carefully-measured path she so fantasized about before everything, the path she often romanticized as being a ticket out of Wiskayok and the hell that came with it. But everything was different now, and it wasn’t the same.
She was starting her junior year now at Howard, even as it all felt empty in a weird way. This is what she wanted, and yet none of it was making her truly happy. Still, she was nothing if competent, so she marched on regardless in her pursuit of higher education, despite the extenuating circumstances and how truly, this might not be the greatest idea.
At the very least, she still had Van. Sweet, tender, soft around the edges Van, even though everything out in the wilderness had permanently changed him. They had been more than a little codependent after the rescue, but to be fair, it wasn’t as if they were chasing after drugs like Nat and Travis were. Well, okay, that wasn’t necessarily a fair thing to say either. They’d both always had their problems, and Nat’s had always been present, even as kids. Regardless. Her clinging onto Van like a safety blanket wasn’t healthy, sure, but it could be infinitely worse. Whatever.
And Van was coming to visit her this weekend, having shacked up in Philly last year and hitting trade school and was now a mechanic. It surely wasn’t what Tai had pictured for him, that much was true, but it wasn’t like their circumstances right now was their end point. It’s hard to remind herself of that, that their life didn’t end in the woods and they were barely in their early 20s. By all accounts, they had so much ahead of them. But at the same time, it felt like they didn’t— the road in front of them didn’t feel so much like a road as it didn’t like a large, winding roundabout they’d be trapped in. But so it goes. So it went.
In any case, Van’s visits and Tai’s visits to see her boyfriend were treasured pockets of time in their lives. One of the few things that still mattered, honestly. Tai could fully curl up into Van’s freckled, warm arms and let herself be held without feeling like she needed to explain something or otherwise to scatter away from the intimacy like a frightened raccoon. Tai never needed to give Van a nonsensical explanation. She never did.
Currently, Tai now stood at Union Station, waiting for Van’s Amtrak to come in. It wasn’t a bad trip at all from her apartment— her apartment was fairly close to school, so it was only a 30 minute bus trip to get here to the station. Of course, Tai would travel to the ends of the Earth to see Van or otherwise pick him up from whatever was going on, but regardless. The convenience certainly helps.
Tai perks her head up at the sound of the train sliding in on the tracks, the handful of people next to her clamoring to anticipate the arrival of their guests. Tai instinctively straightens up and attempts to flatten some of the frizz on top of her curls, flattening down any imagined wrinkles down her coat as she looks out for Van.
The sliding doors open and the first wave of passengers exit with their things, Van being one of them, carrying his Adidas duffel and a bouquet of pink flowers.
“Hey,” Tai exhales, surging Van with a hug instantly as the redhead laughs warmly. “Hey yourself.” Van pulls back, a smitten look on his face. “I missed you too, Tai,” Van says, punctuating the statement with a gentle kiss on Tai’s hand. Van didn’t have to hear it from Tai to know how she felt, to know that Tai missed Van’s warm body and comforting scent in her bed that was just barely a full. Words weren’t really necessary, at certain times. It was also an apt substitute for a kiss because even while attitudes were changing, and it was way safer in DC, Tai still wasn’t completely comfortable with kissing on the mouth in public. Otherwise, they absolutely would, but Tai would always lace her fingers through her boyfriend’s strong, deft hands and make Van feel wanted and missed and everything else she so deserved to feel.
“Got you these,” Van says, handing the bouquet to Tai. “They’re begonias. I’m, uh, not sure what they mean, but I thought they were pretty and I wanted something a little different.”
Tai isn’t sure what they mean either, honestly, holding the bouquet of rosy pink flowers and looking down at them. She’s fairly certain Van doesn’t have a language of flowers book on hand (neither does she), but they’re pretty and they warm her from the inside out which is all that matters.
When they finally make their way up the steps and exit Union Station, Van instinctively slips her hand in Tai’s. Van’s grip is firm and grounding as it always is, as the two walk up to the bus stop with Van dropping the duffel on the sidewalk next to them, rocking on her heels and turning to Tai. “So how’ve you been, lady? How’s Howard?”
In truth, Howard had been good. More than good, actually. They had been very understanding regarding her admission and as soon as she was able she wrote a letter to them saying she was interested in attending and starting the Fall ‘98 semester and if she’d have to reapply or what. They wrote her a very kind letter back, insisting that because of the “extenuating and difficult circumstances” they were pleased to give her a spot in the class of 2002. Getting that letter felt like a breath of relief, Van tackling her in a hug along with her parents. Some return to normalcy, at least.
That said, some part of it really didn’t fully fit. Everything was right about it, but one edge of the piece of the puzzle didn’t fit. It somehow absolutely did, but it also didn’t at all. Tai loved D.C., she loved the campus and by all accounts it should fit together perfectly in her life but it didn’t. But what other choice did she have? Transferring was hell and a half, so she was better off just sticking it through the rest of school and going off to law school and that was that. And who the fuck knew if transferring even would do her any good? Most importantly, though, Taissa Turner was not a quitter.
Tai shrugs. “Uh, it’s good. Busy, of course, but good.” Tai had thrown herself into club after club and whatever could be managed amongst her schoolwork to get involved, but it was dubious whether or not she had any friends. Probably not? Who knows. It was a bold choice on Tai’s end to go to school immediately after the crash— people their age knew, they could almost sense the pulsating, all-encompassing rot that festered within her and it made her sick. But, regardless. She was successful, right? Wasn’t that all that mattered?
Van offers her a suspicious eyebrow, but before her boyfriend can offer a comment the bus pulls up to the stop and they both turn to it.
“Oh, the bus,” Tai says with a sense of relief. Van throws her a tsk and a concerned look, a clear we’ll talk about it later gesture. Regardless, the redhead focuses on hauling the duffel in one hand while offering the other hand to Tai.
“Shall we?”
☆★☆
As per their usual weekend getaway, on Friday they always did something lowkey— today’s being grabbing Mediterranean from a place nearby and watching a movie. Tai and Van both had their own individual issues with meat— but the fried chickpeas of a good falafel were comforting in a way that didn’t make either of them feel cruel.
Tonight’s movie was Beetlejuice, most movies being from pre-1996 more often than not. Not always, but it just felt safer. Easier. Whatever. It didn’t require brain power like movies from after seemed to. That wasn’t always true, but sometimes neither of them could stand to fully process a movie from after. Sometimes it was just entirely too much.
Tai falls asleep for thirty minutes or so at one point, and when she wakes up, she’s curled into Van’s bicep and the movie is coming to an end. Lydia is getting adopted by the ghost-Maitlands and all is well. She sinks in and out of sleep still at the final scenes of the movie, blinking blearily as the credits roll and Van nudges Tai gently.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” Van says. She took her button-up off before they ate dinner, and Van’s cozy, freckled biceps are on full display. God. Tai loved Van so fucking much sometimes, she was certain it would kill her eventually. God knows Van loving Tai killed her before.
Tai just grumbles, stretching her arms as Van laughs warmly. She smooths over her curls, Van observing her carefully with his light, gentle eyes. “Yeah, morning to you too.” Tai groans out as Van just grins, sitting criss-cross applesauce on the couch.
“The bus might’ve gotten you out of it before, but I do want to know that you’re good,” Van says, tucking a curl behind Tai’s ear. “Are you good?”
Tai looks at Van and his big, sensitive green eyes and feels like melting and letting Van hold her as she sobs listlessly, as Van had so many times in the woods. But they were in the real world now, and that wasn’t really feasible anymore, for better or for worse.
Instead, Tai swallows hard and sits up straight. “More or less, yeah. Just a lot of shit going on. I’ll be okay.”
Van scoffs affectionately as he had when they were getting on the bus. “Okay, lady, but you’re obviously, like, not okay right now. You can talk to me about it, you know.” Her hand snakes its way into Tai’s, squeezing gently.
Sometimes this is what really kills Tai— that Van was always so patient, so sweet, so doting. Honestly, if it was up to her, she’d send Van away to find a way nicer girl. But it was rarely her decision, being that Van was so loyal to her and wouldn’t let her weasel her way out of shit. Not to say Van was trapping her with him, of course not, but just to say that Van didn’t let Tai spill out excuses.
Tai looks at Van, her doting boyfriend, now only in a wifebeater and jeans with a belt. God, he was so handsome. It made Tai faint to think of it, most times, to think of how soft, how sweet, how deliriously attractive Van was.
She leans in to kiss her, their hands releasing and Tai’s hand snaking down her shoulders, over the wifebeater. Tai’s hands rub down Van’s thighs, but— she feels something, and her hand stops in place.
“Is that a…” Before Tai can voice any of her guesses, though, between a pad or something big in her pockets or whatever it was, Van interrupts.
“It’s a packer. Like, um. That you use to have, like, the illusion of bulge.”
Oh. Oh. Tai didn’t know Van had one of those.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Tai asks, instinctively. They’d talked about gender stuff before— Van didn’t really choose to label herself (Tai can recall an empathic shrug and a “My gender is dyke, Tai,” with a scoff) and there were some masculine words she really liked and a select feminine words she liked. Hence Tai calling Van her boyfriend, and while they were alone or in safe spaces, switching off she/her and he/him pronouns for Van. It never mattered to Tai— she personally never ruminated on gender but she had always clocked Van as both different and simultaneously like her originally. That’s why she initially liked her, anyway, and that’s how they first came together as two hormonal, silly lesbians both aware of their identity but constantly scared of it and confronting their feelings. And so it was. So she really didn’t care how Van identified, as long as he was comfortable and still wanted to be with Tai. Like, duh.
Van looks away, scratching his neck idly. “Um. I dunno. I meant to, but I just freaked my shit about it for no reason and I never ended up doing it.” Van winces. “Sorry.”
Tai furrows her brows. “You literally don’t have to be sorry, I just wanted you to tell me,” she says, flicking Van’s forehead lightly, the redhead flinching and giving an “ow, Taissa” in response.
Van clears his throat. “It is, um, though, a two in one packer, though.”
Tai raises an eyebrow. “Two in one what? What, is it also a fucking bottle opener or something too?”
Van releases a snort, pushing Tai playfully. “You asshole, no. It’s like—“ Her boyfriend blushes a little, evidently getting more than a little nervous. “Like, it’s also… like a strap on. Essentially.”
Tai blinks. “Oh. So…”
“Yeah,” Van interrupts.
They both go silent, looking at each other’s lips, until Tai pulls him in by the neck of his wifebeater.
It’s passionate and heated, the two of them both obviously pent-up. Tai can feel Van smile into the kiss, and pushes him back against the arm of the couch, straddling Van on top.
Tai slips her tongue into Van’s mouth, Van releasing a whine into Tai’s mouth as his tongue makes its way into hers. It’s undoubtedly hot and heavy, Van’s hands roaming up Tai’s chest to slip her shirt off. She’s wearing a nice, lacy bra, and Van breaks off their kiss to admire it.
“You are so, so pretty. God, seriously, Tai.” Tai is unable to respond, though, silenced by Van’s deft hands unhook her bra as his mouth kisses down Tai’s neck and goes to suck on her left nipple.
Her breath catches, Van’s tongue licking and gently sucking on her tit, as careful and loving as she always was. It already has Tai wet as all fuck, and Van kissing across her chest to do the same to her other nipple only turns her on more. God, did Van know how to push every single one of Tai’s buttons, for better or for worse.
The possibility of Van being inside her though, is so tantalizing and so, so very needed. Tai tugs Van by her hair, ignoring the tiny moan from her boyfriend to look Van deep in the eyes.
“I want you inside me,” Tai says, brown eyes deeply intense.
Van balks, freezing. “What? Now? Like, with my…”
Tai sighs. “Yes, asshole. Isn’t that why you got it? To pack and also fuck me?”
Van’s mouth sets into a hard line. “I mean, yes, but I thought I would tell you about it myself first.”
“As long as you brought lube.”
“Well, no shit. I wasn’t raised in a barn, Taissa.”
“Okay,” Tai says, slipping off the couch, still in her jeans. “We should move to the bedroom and you can get the lube. Okay?”
Van nods dutifully, if doing so a little hesitantly since she’s obviously nervous. “Okay.”
Tai pads into her bedroom, Van following suit. Van unzips her duffel and assumedly grabs the lube and goes off to the bathroom connected to the bedroom, while Tai shimmies both out of her jeans and panties, tossing them idly in her laundry basket. Tai assumes that Van is slipping both her jeans and boxers off, applying the lube onto the dildo in the bathroom.
Tai drapes herself on one side of the bed, as Van exits the bathroom, boxer-less but still wearing her wifebeater. The packer slash strap-on is attached via a harness Tai assumes Van was wearing before, and it’s clearly been lubed up. They only share a grin with each other, Van lying down on the bed as Tai straddles him.
“You ready?” Van asks, his arms gripping the small of Tai’s back in an intimately familiar gesture that reminds Tai of Van protecting her or moving to protect her whenever something didn’t smell right.
Tai only nods, before gently lowering herself down onto Van— the tip of the dildo slipping inside her. “Fuck,” Tai groans.
“You okay?” Van asks, furrowing his brows and looking worriedly up at Tai. She only nods, perhaps a bit too eagerly.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m good, I promise.”
Tai grabs Van’s firm shoulders, steadying herself as she pushes down onto the base of the strap, exhaling a strangled gasp as it does.
“Fuck,” Van wheezes out, low and gruff. The sound of Van’s voice, grizzled and husky as it always is, only serves to make Tai wetter.
Holding onto the redhead’s shoulders, Tai gently begins to thrust on her boyfriend’s strap, creating a gentle rhythm. She can feel Van bucking a bit as well, but honestly, Tai was doing most of the work, and that was fine with her. Van couldn’t top for the life of him, even now, with her lackluster attempt at service topping. That wasn’t Tai trying to intentionally be mean or anything, it was just the truth that Van was only ever built to truly bottom and Tai liked it. She thought it was cute and she thought Van being so overstimulated he couldn’t voice coherent words was hot. Sue her for it.
Tai quickens her pace on the strap, earning a shuddering gasp from Van. Obviously, that’s how she knew she was doing something right. It feels so good and she feels so full, the dildo going fully in her. The same one she was thrusting on diligently, finally getting to a point where Tai could feel it slipping deep in her cervix and hitting her g-spot. Oh, fuck.
“You’re so fucking good,” Tai manages out. That causes Van to whine, and Tai only rocks on the strap harder. It feels so good, so good, deep inside her, Van’s cock deep inside her, God, fuck, fuck—
“Van, Van, Van,” Tai whines, right before she cums, hard, on the strap with a moan. It’s an unbelievably cathartic orgasm— the way the dildo hit her g-spot and how deep inside her it was. God, it was just simply something else.
“Van,” Tai exhales raggedly, breathing still sharp as a knife as she slows her thrusts down. To Tai, the come down was always one of the best parts— feeling the aftershocks roll through her body while the feeling reverberated through her. It was always so much, but it was just as much so fucking good.
She’s built herself down enough to where she gingerly slips the strap out of her, pausing for her hand to trace gently over the scars on Van’s face, Van’s light eyes looking at her intensely and panting. Just as they did what feels like forever ago, ages ago, millennia ago— in another life, maybe— Van preens for her as Tai runs her fingers over the jagged edges of the scars. This was something that no matter what, Van wouldn’t let any other girls do to her. The possessive part of Tai whispered good while the logical part of her whispered not good. But in this moment, it’s beyond something good— it feels holy, even. A tradition she’s practiced that she’ll never fully perfect, just like her ancestors before her.
Tai’s hand flits over Van’s massive cheek scar, the one that once tore her whole mouth open. The one that convinced her that at one time, she’d never get to see Van smile again. Even worse, she’d never hear Van’s husky, virile voice ever again. She’s so lucky she has so fucking much since then.
“You are so handsome, Van.” She strokes up Van’s eyebrow scar gingerly, reveling in the way the edges of Van’s mouth quirk up and she turns away from the attention, flushed.
Tai giggles. “Damn, is somebody flustered? Embarrassed, even?”
“I’m, like, not. Fuck off,” Van replies, clipped as she is clearly flustered beyond hell.
Tai knows how hard it was for Van when they got back— even though Van thankfully survived with no chunks torn out of her face, the public and everybody else acted like half her face really did burn off. People flinching at her massive scars and in-depth “reports” from shitty magazines having at least one (maybe two, if they were unlucky) pages detailing Van’s attack at the hands of the wolves from her and the accounts of the others. How did Vanessa Palmer get those ugly scars? Why does Vanessa Palmer look like that? The Yellowjackets: Gore and Glory— Van and the Wolves. The list went on and on. Every single tragedy that occurred had been milked to the very last drop, the wolf attack included. Van had only sank further into isolation after that, something that made Tai shatter into pieces and just want to hold her forever and ever.
“Yeah, I’m sure you’re not, bozo.” Tai grins, as Van finally looks at her, frowning deeply even with her still-present blush telling on her. The redhead only looks up to the ceiling, groaning.
“You suck, dude,” Van says through laughter. “Seriously.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Tai replies with a smirk. “Grow up.”
Van rolls her eyes and emits a small chuckle before a comfortable silence sets between them, Tai weaving a hand in-and-out idly through thick, red locks. It’s comfortable, and it’s quiet, just the two of them after sex like this.
“Tai,” Van says gently, breaking their silence, as Tai’s eyes flick up to meet her boyfriend’s. He threads his weathered hands through Tai’s own, kissing her gently on the top of her hand. “I wanna make you feel good. Can you… can you sit on my face?”
The request is so forthright and direct Tai snorts. She can’t help it, even as Van blushes up to her ears. “Okay, fuck, I’m sorry. You were just… really direct about it.”
Van’s breathing is shaky. Clearly, she’s more than a little turned on— Van always loved it, getting Tai off, seeing her orgasm and bringing her there and Tai pulling her up by her hair after and telling her what a good girl she was. And, of course, Tai knows what Van wants— but she wants her to beg.
Tai leans in close, her sharp breath on Van’s ear. “You want me to sit on your face, huh? Then ask nicely.”
Van releases a needy whine, clearly needing it so insanely desperately. “Please, Tai. Please sit on my face.”
Tai threads a hand into Van’s thick, ginger locks, tugging it gently as the redhead releases a tiny moan. “How bad do you want it, baby?”
“So bad. Oh, God, Tai, please. Please let me eat you out and please let me taste you. I need you on my tongue so fucking bad, Tai, please.”
Tai grins wickedly. God, Van was so fucking hot. “There you go. Good girl.”
Van whines again, only stricken silent by Tai moving her ass right over Van’s mouth, gingerly lowering herself down.
Somehow, in between coming on the strap earlier and now, Tai had already gotten so wet again. Like clockwork, Van could moan or beg or slip a tongue in her mouth and Tai would come undone all over again. Tai always valued consistency, and she knew Van did too. You’re the still-point of the turning world, Van had said to her once, quoting The Virgin Suicides a month after they’d seen it. Tai had rolled her eyes and pretended that it was just a silly joke, but she felt it deeply. Van was the still-point of her turning world, too. Always so.
Tai gasps when she feels Van’s wet, careful tongue raking over her folds, the gentle way she always liked it. The way she liked it, Van’s tongue moving from the top to the bottom with the occasional sucking on her clit. Tai mostly just liked to feel the warmth of her boyfriend’s tongue licking up and down her center, his warm mouth right against her. It was equally insanely hot as it was frighteningly intimate. Something she could never do with anyone who wasn’t Van, surely.
Tai is instinctively grinding into Van’s eager tongue, something he responds to by licking harder and faster at her, encouraging her to push back and thrust against Van’s tongue. Tai knew Van loved seeing Tai ride his tongue, all big, kind eyes and Van’s strong arms pulling Tai down further onto his mouth.
Van does the same now, hands wrapping around her taut ass and pulling Tai further into her mouth. It was crazy, sometimes, to think about it— sex with Van always felt like the first time, perpetually. The redhead was just as eager to go down on Tai or be touched now as she was when they were tiny, hormonal teens, mostly unscathed from the world thus far. That said, it also always felt as good as it did when they were first discovering each other and seeing what made the other tick.
Tai can feel her orgasm close approaching— and by the way Van’s tongue is going faster and harder on her it’s clear Van knows too. “Fuck, yeah, that’s it, Van, good fucking girl—“
The tie then snaps and Tai sinks into a delicious orgasm, entirely more powerful than the first one as she can’t resist her tiny moans and whimpers coming down from it. The way Van made her feel at every moment, especially sex, was just beyond everything. Some things truly couldn’t be contained.
After Tai lowers herself off of Van’s face, she can tell the redhead is just as worked-up as she is. Van’s cheeks are a rosy pink, breath staggered and shaky to where Tai just wants to sit there forever and crystallize this moment, this Van for herself 24/7. No such thing, sadly, but there is obviously one thing she can do currently.
“Van,” Tai exhales. “Let me get you off.”
Van knits her brows together. “You-you sure?” It’s such a quintessential Van gesture, always give give give, thinking any meager instance of take might as well be a death sentence (since it was for him for a while). It had taken a while for them in high school for Van to finally let Taissa touch her, even, Van always opting to prioritize everyone else over anything he wanted. It struck Tai in a very poignant way always, and in a way that made her just want to touch Van for the rest of her natural-born life.
Tai runs a hand through Van’s thick, red locks, just stroking them gently. “Absolutely. Are you sure?”
“Um, well—“ Van is undoubtedly nervous, which makes Tai feel like crumbling. Something about the way the world reacted to all of them (both individually and their supposed relationships) had broken Van down further, another sledgehammer to the beautiful, expertly-carved marble he was. It didn’t matter that Van was always going to let Taissa take the reins— the fact of the matter was Van rarely let himself take any more. He rarely let himself indulge, let himself just fucking exist, for fuck’s sakes.
Van just nods, not making eye contact. Tai tilts her head to face her, expression infinitely soft, as Van always deserved the highest level of care and sweetness that she showed everyone else.
“Baby, it’s okay. I want to. I like doing it.”
Van releases a gasp it’s evident she didn’t even know she was holding, nodding before guiding Tai’s hand down to her core.
Van is dripping. Like, fucking soaking. Evidently, she’s been so wet from getting Tai off, basking in it to the point where now she was almost ready to cum. Tai practically didn’t even have to do anything at this point.
“You wanted it bad, huh?”
Van only nods desperately. Tai releases a laugh.
“God, you’re such a needy girl. And you’re gonna be my good girl and cum for me, yeah?”
“…Yeah,” Van croaks out.
“That’s it,” Tai coos, her fingers circling Van’s already throbbing clit. “Good fucking girl.”
Van whines, only bucking up into Tai’s fingers. Tai responds by circling her clit faster, reveling in the way she can feel Van’s clit pulse against her fingers. God, she was really fucking close already.
Tai can feel Van squirming, and she knows that Van is close. It wouldn’t take long, so Tai only ups the ante and goes harder and faster, until Van is pulling her shoulders and panting.
“Tai, Tai, oh my God, Tai—“ With that, Van cums, releasing a high-pitched whiny moan. He was really so so sensitive and so so noisy to a point where it was both so incredibly fucking hot but also so incredibly dangerous. But that’s what their relationship always had been, it seemed. So fucking exhilarating veering between so fucking dangerous.
Tai builds Van down, circling her clit slower and slower until Tai removes her fingers from touching Van already. They’re both breathing hard, and Tai slips right next to Van in his bed, snuggling next to her boyfriend.
“Fuck,” Van exhales, laughing. “That was, like, fucking insane, Taissa. Seriously.”
Tai just grins. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Us Turners are in it to win it, you know.”
Van scoffs, pushing Tai away. “You can’t win lesbian sex, asshole. Not how that works.”
Tai hums, folding her arms on Van’s chest. “You’d be surprised.”
Van does that thing where he tilts his head like a puppy, almost always sarcastically. “You sure, lady? Because I really don’t think so…”
Van devolves into giggles, Tai rolling her eyes and hitting him lightly with one of the pillows. “You fucking suck.”
“And you, my dear, swallow.” Van only cracks up further, Tai putting her head in her hands with a fond groan.
Even despite it all, despite all the nonsense that plagued their lives and all the ghosts that still followed them, being with Van was the only thing that made Tai march on forward. These small moments, at Tai’s tiny-ass shoddy studio here in D.C. or in Van’s Philly apartment with a few wandering roommates, were the only bits of her life Tai actually desired anymore. School felt useless, so did extracurriculars and her social life and whatever else, but being with Van never was. And it was cathartic, always, to be fully seen. For Van to see her fully and Tai to see him fully.
Despite how doomed they were. Even despite that.
☆★☆