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When Lily stepped through the barrier onto Platform 9 3/4, she felt, shamefully, relief. She was hidden away from her family now by a brick wall and a world of magic that they’d never understand. It’s not that her parents didn’t try – they were so proud of her, so enchanted by magic – but they would never see it the way she did. The danger of it, the war bubbling under the surface. Things she could never tell her parents, burdens she could never give them.
Of course Petunia had never tried to understand. She’d hated magic since Lily had received her Hogwarts letter and Petunia hadn’t. It wasn’t fair. That’s what Petunia had said over and over. It wasn’t fair because it was Lily and Petunia, born forty minutes apart, Lily and Petunia, each other’s first friend. It wasn’t fair for one of them to go and one to stay. It wasn’t fair for them to be separated. That was what had turned Petunia’s heart against Lily. Not the letter but Lily’s choice to go. Lily’s choice to leave Petunia. It wasn’t Lily’s fault that Petunia didn’t have magic. Lily had spent years wishing she could give some of it to Petunia. But who else was there for Petunia to blame but Lily?
Lily couldn’t remember exactly when family became so complicated. Perhaps it was the fateful day of the letter. Or when Lily left for Hogwarts for the first time. Maybe it was hundreds of letters Petunia never replied too. Maybe it was that first summer afterwards, the ever-growing canyon between the two sisters, the stiff tension that their parents never noticed, never addressed.
But it was a relief now to step onto Platform, 9 3/4 , where she could lock all those complicated emotions deep inside of her. Yet Hogwarts had never felt like home the way it had for so many others. And it never would, because of the way Lily felt stuck between the two halves of her life – the muggle and the magical. She would never fit in properly in either world unless she chose one and it would break her to choose. She would not be Lily Evans without the magic and the muggle, and yet she could feel herself being stretched between the two, stretched to the breaking point.
And of course it was relief too, the knowledge that the people Lily loved most in the word would be close by her soon.
Platform 9 ¾ was busy. There was a cacophony of noise. Tearful goodbyes and cats hissing and children laughing. Families crowded round together, promising to write regularly. Lily passed around them easily.
The Hogwarts Express was cool and quiet, a nice break from the chaos of the platform. She shuffled along the narrow corridor, lugging her trunk behind her. She found Sirius Black, leaning against the window overlooking the platform, and was abruptly reminded of this time last year.
Sirius had been standing in the same spot, shoulders thrumming with the same tension, waiting for the same person. He’d looked awful though, face clammy and pale, hair thin and greasy. There had been deep bags under his eyes, like he hadn’t slept in years. She’d stood with him, felt uneasy at leaving him alone when he looked so fragile and vulnerable. So easily breakable, like all it would take was one little thing and he’d fall to pieces.
She’d known who he was waiting for as soon as she looked out the window and seen him. Walking stiffly behind his parents, starched robes and haunted eyes. Regulus Black. The two brothers’ eyes had met, separated by a window and a platform full of people. And perhaps so much more than Lily could ever know. Regulus had stared for a long moment, almost hungrily, like he was soaking up the sight of Sirius. Then he had inclined his head ever so slightly and turned away, following his parents down the platform. Sirius had seemingly gone limb then, all the tension leaking out of him, like Regulus had blown over his frail body. Lily had gripped his elbow and he’d sagged into her.
She hadn’t had to say anything then and she didn’t say anything now. She stood shoulder to shoulder with him, in his silent vigil, waiting for Regulus to appear, for proof that Regulus was still alive.
It was something they both shared, both understood. The way you could love someone and hate them so thoroughly at the same time. The way you could be willing to die for someone, willing to sacrifice everything just for them to be safe and okay, and yet not be able to say three simple words, or any words at all. The way the air could feel stiff with years of history and memories and words said and words not said. Lily and Petunia. Sirius and Regulus. Two sets of split souls with jagged edges, driven apart by things too big to understand and words too easy to say.
Lily squeezed Sirius’ hand when Regulus appeared, and Sirius squeezed back. Regulus looked thinner, worn out and exhausted. The tension did not leave Sirius this time. Lily could feel his unease, his worry. She gently tugged him away from the window once Regulus was out of sight, and they continued down the corridor together.
Only James was in the Marauders’ usual compartment. Remus and Peter hadn’t yet arrived then. Sirius stored his trunk with a little help from James and then curled up against the window. There was worry creased in James’ brows but he still turned to Lily with his sunshine bright grin.
“Alright Evans?” he asked and Lily forced a smile, answering something bland and polite.
James Potter was too nice. He was not the arrogant eleven year old he’d once been, who’d inadvertently made Lily feel so small. It was getting hard to keep coming up with excuses as to why she kept saying no to the inevitable question. They would be the perfect love story. The perfect happily ever after. Head Boy and Head Girl.
But Lily didn’t want that. She didn’t love James Potter. She didn’t even like him, not like that.
Lily pushed those thoughts away, pushed it all down to where all her other problems resided. She continued down the corridor, to where Marlene was already waiting. The sight of her with her black boots resting lazily on the seat, slouched in her studded leather jacket, reading some music magazine about bands Lily only recognised from Marlene’s long rants about music, made Lily’s shoulders loosen. Her heartbeat slowed. Marlene was here. Everything was going to be okay.
Lily received a rare smile from Marlene as she sat next to her, and Marlene shifted her legs to they were resting on Lily instead. The weight on Lily’s lap grounded her, and she rested a hand on Marlene’s boot covered ankle. They chatted about their summers a little. Ordinary, mundane things. It felt normal. It felt good. Lily hadn’t seen Marlene in weeks and she’d missed her so much it felt like she couldn’t breathe some days. Marlene was a part of her, built into Lily Evans’ heart. Their friendship was not loud and flashy, but it was there, strong and quiet and steady.
There were ten minutes before the train left when Mary appeared, skin glowing from six weeks in the sun. She looked like the incarnation of temptation and want in her strappy sun dress, long brown legs winking at Lily in the light of the lamps. Her face was stretched into a genuine smile as she catapulted herself across Marlene and Lily. Lily could smell her shampoo, something sweet and coconutty. It made her stomach flutter pleasantly, the way Mary always had.
The train lurched into motion. Soon, Lily would have to go the Prefects meeting. But for now she savoured the feeling of coming home. She hadn’t been able to find a home in bricks and mortar but however long she’d been apart from them Lily could always find it here, in the steady heartbeats of her two favourite people. Her people.
* * *
There was something melancholy about the sorting ceremony. Perhaps it was the war, seeping through the cracks of Hogwarts and swallowing everything whole. Perhaps it was the fact that it was the last time she’d witness this, sitting on Gryffindor table as a student.
Lily felt tired and bone heavy as she led the new first year Gryffindors up to Gryffindor Tower with James. As soon as they were done, Lily headed straight for her dorm. Mary and Marlene were waiting for her, chatting about Mary’s new nail polish and Dorcas Meadowes.
Together they collapsed on Marlene’s bed, a heap of tangled limbs and teenage girl and beating, bloody hearts. This had been their back-to-school tradition, ever since first year when Marlene had been quietly crying under her duvet after the feast. Mary and Lily had looked at each other and came to a silent agreement. They’d crawled in either side of Marlene and all had a little bit of a cry together, because it had been a very tiring and overwhelming day for all three of them, for all sorts of reasons. They had fallen asleep like that and been best friends ever since.
People always thought their friendship was odd. Mary with her flirtatious winks and big heart, her disorganised chaos and bubbly personality. Marlene with her sharp edges and heavily guarded heart, her infamous scowl and fierce loyalty. Lily, Head Girl and top of the class, hardworking and perfect and always on time. But the three of them fitted together like jigsaw pieces. They balanced each other out. They all burned too brightly, three fiery souls bound together. They were unstoppable together, fizzling with magic and determination and love strong enough to burn the world down. And they would, they’d burn it in an instant if it came to it.
This would be the last time tangled together on Marlene’s bed. Lily could feel the hooks of war under her flesh. It pulled at her, threatening to rip her apart. They were teetering on the edge of something. Lily could feel the golden years of Hogwarts slipping through her grasp. Shattering into tiny, bright shards in her tightly clenched fist.
God, the war. The odds weren’t in their favour, were stacked heavily against them.
Lily could feel Marlene’s leg across her hip, the warmth of her skin seeping into her. Her hand was gripping Lily’s tightly, like she was afraid of letting go. Mary’s head was tucked under her neck, and her soft breaths tickled her pleasantly. Mary’ hand was on her back, on the slither of skin between her skirt and untucked shirt, setting the skin of her back on fire. Mary and Marlene were holding hands too, resting on Lily’s stomach.
Morbidly, Lily thought that if one of them died, the other two would too. It seemed impossible for them to exist if not together and complete. They all breathed with the same lungs. Bled with the same heart. Lily knew that she would break if she lost either Mary or Marlene. And she would never ever be okay again.
Oh god, the war.