Chapter Text
Eren didn’t think of himself as a whore—in fact, he’d vehemently deny such a thing—that was a strong word. But it’s not like he was exactly innocent either.
“In my defense,” He said to Armin once. “There’s not much else for an eighteen-year-old boy to do around here.”
“You’re not quite eighteen yet. And you could read,” Armin suggested. “You could groom the horses, you could do extra chores, you could draw, you could—“
“Armin,” Eren rolled his eyes. “I like to fuck, okay?”
Well, that was kind of true. He did like to fuck, but not as much as one might’ve guessed. Eren would never admit that. But it was a good way to pass the time. It was a good way to gain experience. It was a good way to fill voids.
And nobody really cared—with the exception of Mikasa and her overprotective nature—what Eren did anyways. He could fuck all he wanted, whoever he wanted, and most people wouldn’t bat an eye.
And so long as Eren didn’t skimp on his duties, his commanding officers pretended not to know—or really didn’t know—what Eren was up to most nights. He was grateful for that. He wasn’t sure what he would do if one of them had some kind of sit-down with him about it.
What was he supposed to say? Was there a way to tell someone “I like to fuck” but in a professional way? Probably not—at least not in a way that Eren would’ve been able to pull off successfully.
He simply liked filling voids, with the helpful warm bodies of the men around him.
Eren had been reaching a hand into the dark for a long time. And sure, maybe he was filling voids. Maybe it was all hopeless pining and hero worship. But he kept that hand in the dark, waiting for something to grasp back. Waiting for a hero to rescue whatever pitiful heart he had inside of him.
But it was never the hero he wanted. Eren had never been fond of settling for less, but he did what he had to do to survive the anguish of it all.
And that’s how he ended up in a supply closet with Jean, half naked and gasping for air as he was bent over some equipment, pressing a hand over his mouth to muffle any possible noises. He didn’t typically moan during sex—it didn’t feel that good—but his sharp breathing could’ve been heard if someone happened to be taking a silent stroll through the halls.
When they were finished, they dressed in silence, and Eren poked his head out first to make sure there was nobody around. When he deemed it safe, having not seen or heard anyone nearby, he motioned for Jean to walk out with him.
“Thanks,” Jean said, walking to the mess hall alongside Eren. “I needed that. Mikasa is totally ignoring me.”
Eren raised an eyebrow. “Mikasa always ignores you.”
“Yeah, well, she could stand to throw me a bone!”
“Alright, listen,” They stopped in front of the doors of the mess hall, Eren putting his hands on his hips. “I’d prefer not to talk about one of my best friends after what we just did.”
“What?” Jean snorted. “Feeling guilty?”
“I’d feel guilty if she liked you back,” Eren bit back. “Luckily for me, she doesn’t. It’s just weird.”
“Hey!” Jean snapped, pushing his hair back off of his sweaty forehead. He gave himself a once-over, adjusting his clothes. Eren did the same. “She totally wants me, I’ve just gotta give her time to warm up to me.”
“It’s been, like, what? Five years? I think she’d have warmed up by now if she was going to. Come on.”
Jean followed Eren into the mess hall, grumbling something under his breath that sounded like, “It hasn’t been that long.”
Eren slid into a seat next to Armin, across from Mikasa. Sasha and Connie had their heads together, likely planning their next raid of the kitchens to steal extra food in the middle of the night, and Jean sat down next to Mikasa, who scowled at the unwanted presence. A few feet away, Krista and Ymir sat together, speaking quietly amongst themselves.
“Hey,” Armin said to Eren. “Where were you?”
“Around,” Eren shrugged.
Armin rolled his eyes. “Right.”
Eren looked to the front of the room—to the table where the higher-ups often sat. Squad Leader Hanji was seated beside Commander Smith, who was seated beside Moblit. Captain Levi was nowhere to be found, and Eren found himself cursing the heart in his chest that threatened to drop a little bit.
“What the hell are we eating?” Jean complained, looking down at his tray. There seemed to be a few identifiable items—peas, mashed potatoes, stale bread. Whatever choice of meat they were looking at, however, was a mystery. Even Sasha had yet to touch it.
“I don’t know, meatloaf?” Armin suggested, poking at it with his fork, as though it might pick itself up and move right off of the table. “I think I’ll pass on whatever it is.”
“Sasha,” Eren called, looking away from the higher-ups table. “You try it.”
Sasha pulled a face. “I don’t know…I don’t have very high standards these days but this looks…below whatever my standard is.”
“Captain Levi!” Eren felt a pull in his stomach at Armin’s voice, who’d waved a hand in the captain’s direction as he came strolling through the entrance of the mess hall. Captain Levi looked less than amused to be spoken to. “Do you by chance know what this meat is?”
Captain Levi came to the end of their table, peering down with cold eyes at the trays. “I don’t know. It looks like shit.” And then the older man walked away, seating himself by Squad Leader Hanji. Eren sighed deeply, pressing his face into his hands.
“Eren,” Armin said quietly. He’d, luckily, been the only one to notice—ever. “Just eat quickly and leave, okay?”
“Yeah, whatever.”
Armin was the only one who knew—like really knew —about Eren’s inappropriate longing for their superior officer. Even Captain Levi himself seemed completely oblivious to Eren’s hopeless affections, despite Eren’s desperate attempts to make the captain see him in the same way. He knew it was hopeless, he wasn’t completely stupid, but it didn’t hurt to try, right?
“I hate when we come back from expeditions,” Mikasa suddenly said, taking a bite of her mashed potatoes, successfully avoiding the meat. “Feels so empty.”
Eren had to agree. While their most recent expedition—which they’d returned from the previous day—had resulted in a few less deaths than what was typical, there was still a strange emptiness throughout headquarters. Even with the mess hall bustling with noise and chatter, there were still noticeable gaps, and more unoccupied seats than what they’d had before they left for the expedition.
It had been that way for a long time, and it would continue that way until all of the titans were dead. Of that, Eren was certain. It was the only certain thing in their world.
Death.
It made the whole being-in-love-with-his-superior thing a lot harder. The idea that either of them could die literally tomorrow and it would be without having ever held the older man close.
It was pathetic, really, how much that thought destroyed Eren on a daily basis.
“Hey guys!” Heads turned down to the end of the table towards Ymir and Krista at the sound of Krista’s perky voice. “We’re going into town tonight—to the bar. Squad Leader Hanji said it was okay. You guys in?”
“Fuck yes,” Eren said immediately, dropping his fork. “Anything to get out of this depressing place.”
“Yeah, I’m in.”
“If Eren is going, I’ll go too,” Mikasa sighed, as though she had no choice.
“Well if Mikasa is going,” Jean said. “I’m going too.”
“Get bent, Jean.”
Eren managed to make it to his cell for a change of clothes, then splashed some cool water across his face before meeting back with the others at the front of headquarters, preparing for their night in town. It wasn’t often they managed to convince their superiors to let them do anything fun—Hell, captain Levi hardly let them do anything other than train or clean—but if they happened to catch Squad Leader Hanji on a really, really good day, it could happen.
“Oh good!” A familiar voice shouted. “Everyone is here!”
Eren turned, his eyebrows raising. Squad Leader Hanji was walking out the doors, along with Moblit and…Levi? Seriously? How unlucky could Eren be? The older man had his arms crossed over his strong, broad chest, his face set in its usual permanent frown. He’d been hoping that he could have a night away from the close proximity of his life’s greatest untouchable desire to date. It seemed that luck wasn’t on his side.
“Uh—” Sasha stuttered. “Squad Leader? You guys are coming, too?”
“Well duh!” The woman scoffed with a wide grin. “You guys aren’t the only ones who deserve to have fun! Besides,” She threw an arm around Eren’s shoulders. “I’ve got to make sure my favorite little monster stays safe!”
Eren could feel his cheeks get hot. “Er—?”
“Don’t worry, Squad Leader,” Mikasa said dutifully. “I always keep Eren safe.”
“I don’t know about that,” Connie said with a knowing grin. “Seems Eren is always getting himself caught up in something…or someone.”
Armin shoved his elbow into Connie’s ribs, who winced and grumbled an apology.
“Well not tonight,” Squad Leader Hanji smiled, probably unknowingly. Connie’s joke had flown right over her head. “Tonight, we travel as a group! No one is getting hurt on my watch, especially not my favorite titan.”
“I’m not a baby!” Eren protested, his stomach turning into knots at the way everyone treated him as though he were a child, right in front of captain Levi. Although, the older man seemed as though he weren’t even paying attention to the rest of the group, looking off into the distance with a hard look on his face.
“We know!” Squad Leader Hanji smiled. “But you’re our most important asset, and I’ve got a lot more research to do! Can’t have you getting kidnapped on me.”
Eren grumbled, setting into a walk with the others, and crossing his arms over his chest.
“Eren,” Armin saddled up next to Eren, crossing an arm through Eren’s. Although he was speaking in a quiet voice, Eren had no doubt that whatever was said could probably be heard by the others. “Behave yourself, just for tonight? Take a break from…all that.”
“No thanks,” Eren grumbled back, watching the back of Captain Levi’s head. “This is my only chance for fun.”
“You’re joking, right?” Armin said, exasperated. “When I don’t find you in a bathroom stall, I find you in a supply closet doing…unsavory things. But now higher-ups are joining us. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll show at least some restraint.”
Eren didn’t respond, his cheeks still hot, and only growing warmer, pinker. How embarrassing.
It was dark by the time they’d made it to the bar in town. It was packed with people and civilians, drinking and chatting and even dancing. Eren made quick work of scouting through the men in the building—his next partner. It was difficult, finding someone right there in front of Captain Levi. Nobody compared, and Eren didn’t want anyone else, not really.
Not when Levi looked at him, and he could feel his own breath quicken. Or how Captain Levi leaned against the bar, his arms crossed. The way he glared at anyone and everyone in the room.
Eren had been nursing this crush for years. It would likely never go away at this point—but he had to try. He had to feel the strong warmth of a man against him, inside of him, something to ease the ever-growing pain.
Relief. That’s all he wanted.
So, he didn’t take Armin’s advice. He found himself at the bar, flirting shamelessly with a man who was so obviously the same stature as Levi—which was Eren’s preferred type anyways—and although the man wasn’t even close to comparing to the captain, he’d do for an hour, and that’s all that really mattered.
An hour and a few strong drinks later, Eren was pressed against a wall off to the side of the bar, hidden from the view of his superior’s for the most part, and gasping for breath as a stranger pressed sloppy kisses down the length of his neck, whispering words that Eren didn’t even bother listening to.
He wasn’t Levi, so not a single word the stranger said mattered to Eren in the slightest.
But when Eren opened his eyes, looked past the shoulder of the man pressed against him, green eyes met gray—and a sharp jolt cut through Eren’s body. Captain Levi was leaning against the bar, watching the scene unfold in front of him through the gaps of people between them.
For a long moment, Eren did nothing, just stiffened uncomfortably and held the older man’s gaze. Then, embarrassed, he began to push against the stranger’s chest. “Get off of me.”
“No,” The man snorted, breathing hot against Eren’s warm skin. “You’ve come this far—just deal with it.”
“Get off of me,” Eren hissed, continuing to push against the man’s chest, trying his hardest not to look like he was struggling to the people around them. He didn’t want to cause a scene, or draw attention. “Fuck—get—”
“You can’t just start this and then leave a guy hanging,” The guy snarled. “Stop fighting.”
“Fuck!” Eren shoved the guy hard then, and the man stumbled back a few steps. He was about to stomp away, pretend the entire thing hadn’t happened—but then the man had shoved Eren back up against the wall, wrapping a hand around Eren’s throat.
Eren had half a mind to bite into his own hand right then, show this idiot just who he was fucking with, but he couldn’t stop choking on his own air that was being viscously wrought out of his own lungs.
“Hey,” Eren opened his eyes at the sound of the captain’s barking voice. He’d crossed the room at the sight of Eren’s struggle. But he wasn’t looking at Eren—he was looking at the man in front of him. Then Levi’s fist connected with the man’s jaw, and Eren was released. He gasped in a breath, falling to his ass on the floor while Captain Levi continued to bring his fists down on the man beneath him, who’d fallen to the floor at the sheer force of Levi’s punch.
“Levi!” Hanji shouted, rushing forward in an attempt to pull Captain Levi away. “Levi, enough! It’s over!”
“Eren!” Armin knelt down at Eren’s side, pressed a hand to his shoulder. “Are you okay? Eren, breathe.”
“T-Trying.” Eren coughed, scratching at his own sore throat, as though it might bring the air back quicker.
“Eren!” Mikasa rushed to Eren’s other side, knelt down to his level as well. “What happened?”
“I don’t know,” Armin shrugged. “But Captain Levi is…handling it?”
Eren looked up again. Levi had finished his forceful punching of the stranger that Eren had been making out with, and was adjusting his clothing nonchalantly, as though he hadn’t just done that. As though the skin of his knuckles hadn’t broken from the force of the contact. As though he didn’t have a couple of drops of blood—blood that did not belong to him—spattered on his collar.
“That was…” Armin had dropped his voice low so that only Eren could hear. “An interestingly sweet turn of events?”
“Jaeger,” The captain snapped, reaching down to grab ahold of Eren’s arm just at the bend of his elbow and yank him off the ground. “Get off the floor, it’s disgusting down there.”
As if Eren gave two shits. Captain Levi had just beat the pulp out of a random stranger for Eren . He couldn’t fucking believe his luck. He couldn’t decide if it was good luck or bad, but it didn’t matter, it had happened. And then Levi was touching him. Roughly, and only briefly, but it was still happening. It was the most contact they’d had in weeks.
It was pathetic, really, how excited Eren was by the entire ordeal.
It looked like he kind of wasn’t the only one. But at least he had the decency to pretend he wasn’t excited. Beside Levi, Hanji was grinning so wide that he thought her cheeks might split at the corners. Her eyes were wide, a gleam in them that Eren had only ever seen when it came to her experiments.
“The fuck are you smiling at?” Captain Levi had noticed it too.
“Nothing,” She lied, not bothering to wipe the smile from her face. “Nothing at all. I’m not even smiling.”
“Quit being weird,” The captain snapped, then turned his gaze to Eren, who was still flustered and fidgeting and blushing all the way down to his protruding collar bones. “Eren, go be a whore with someone your own age. I don’t want to have to do that again.”
Eren frowned deeply as the older man turned and disappeared through a crowd of people, likely retreating back to the bar where he’d been for the majority of the night.
What had first been a somewhat promising turn of events—a sweet turn of events, according to Armin—had quickly dispersed back to normal. Not only that, but captain Levi had called him a whore. Eren cringed at the word, his shoulders tensing.
He hated that word.
To make it worse, he’d mentioned Eren’s age, which somehow left a sour taste in Eren’s mouth.
It didn’t seem to deter Hanji’s exhilaration. Whatever she was thinking about—it had her grin permanently etched across her face, it seemed. She turned as well, though, with one last look at Eren, who she gave a reassuring thumbs up.
A couple of hours later, their travel back to headquarters was a mostly quiet one. A little awkward, even. Eren hadn’t tried to hook up with anyone again after that—wouldn’t have dared. He was far too embarrassed, and maybe a little bit traumatized.
Mikasa was stiff, too, practically buzzing with unwanted energy, and if Eren knew her—which he did—she was likely kicking herself for not sticking by Eren’s side at all times. It was hardly her fault though, as Eren had done everything in his power to lose her and shake her death grip on him.
He wasn’t a baby, thank you very much, and he couldn’t stand being treated like one.
“Eren,” Hanji stopped Eren in the hall as they entered headquarters, still with a look of excitement (although somewhat diminished) on her face. It was evident in her eyes. “Would I be able to speak with you for a moment?”
“Oh, um,” He crossed his arms across his stomach. “Yes, okay.”
Eren made the long journey with Hanji to her study. He knew the way well, often spending much of his time there, allowing his superior to poke and prod at him, and question him until his eyes would glaze over. It was so late, though, he hoped it wouldn’t be the case.
As usual, Hanji’s study was…well, a mess. Papers were strewn around, covering every surface and much of the floor. She dumped a stack of papers off of a nearby chair and gave it a pat, indicating for Eren to sit down. He did so, stiff.
“You’ve still got some bruising around your throat that hasn’t quite healed yet,” Hanji pointed out, gesturing towards his neck. “I’m sure it’ll be gone by tomorrow.”
“So, um,” Eren leaned back into his chair. “What did you want to talk to me about, Squad Leader?”
“Eren,” Hanji clicked her tongue at him. “You know you can call me Hanji when it’s just us. I think we’re close enough now.”
“Right,” Eren murmured. “Sorry.”
“Anyway, I didn’t bring you here to discuss formalities,” Hanji smiled. “I wanted to talk to you about Captain Levi.”
“Oh?” Eren said questioningly, raising an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, I don’t…”
“Would you say you’re close to the captain, Eren?”
“Um,” Eren’s heart could’ve burst. “N-No. He doesn’t talk much. I’m sorry, I don’t—”
“Eren, I usually take it upon myself to bring Levi tea at nighttime, when he’s in his study doing paperwork. He doesn’t ask—I just do it because I like to annoy him.”
“...Okay?” Eren’s head was spinning. What the hell was she talking about? Why was she telling him this? They’d never really talked about Levi before, only ever in passing, a quick mention here and there.
Did she really bring me in here to talk about how she brings tea to Captain Levi in the evenings?
“Anyways, starting tomorrow, my schedule is going to be a little tight. I was hoping you might take over the task for me for a little while.”
“Oh—uh…”
What in the ever-loving fuck? Is she trying to get me killed?
“With all due respect, Hanji,” Eren’s voice was shaky. He cursed himself for it. “I don’t think Captain Levi would particularly appreciate my presence very much.”
“Oh, trust me,” Hanji waved her hand around in the air. “He’ll appreciate your presence much more than he ever appreciates mine.”
“Uh…” Eren’s cheeks became warm. “I’m just a little confused. Doesn’t he usually make his own tea?”
“In the morning, yes,” She shrugged. “But in the evenings, he prefers to just get his paperwork out of the way. I know he appreciates the tea, though. I take it to him around seven every evening. So? Think you can do it?”
What the hell is she up to?
Eren almost wanted to say no. Not because he didn’t want to be around Levi, but he was sure that he’d somehow end up getting himself kicked in the face. Maybe he’d make the tea wrong, or maybe he’d annoy the man with his presence. Surely to God he’d make some kind of fatal mistake.
“Y-Yeah,” Eren said finally, and against all better judgment. “Sure, I can do it.”
“Great!” Hanji clapped excitedly. “You’re helping me a ton. Trust me, that tea helps him sleep at night so he won’t be cranky throughout the day. Oh! Add a little bit of whiskey to it, he prefers it that way at nighttime. ‘Kay?”
“Right. Whiskey in the tea. Got it.”
Eren left feeling perplexed, terrified, and maybe a little bit excited, to his own embarrassment. He liked having the chance to see the captain, even if the feeling wasn’t mutual in the slightest. He liked seeing the man, he liked pleasing the man. Hell, he wished he could please him more. He wished he could please him in a lot of ways…
He’d start with tea, though. He could do that.
* * *
The next day, Eren woke up and met Hanji in her office for her usual experiments and questions. It was like this most days—with the exception of the weekends—and it took everything in him just to force himself out of bed a little earlier.
On the days where she wanted to do titan experiments, though—that typically happened in the afternoons. Hanji seemed to have enough sense not to force Eren to shift so early in the morning.
“Hi, Eren!”
“Hi.” He yawned, sitting down in the same seat he’d been in the night before. Hanji was scribbling something down onto a sheet of paper.
“How’d you sleep?”
“Not great,” Eren admitted, shrugging. “Kept having nightmares.”
“Oh? What about?”
“I…I don’t…” Eren shook his head. The nightmares had been right there, on the cusp of comprehension, and he had known just a few moments prior. But now that he was thinking about it, the nightmares seemed to slip right past him, out of his fingertips. “I don’t remember.”
They jumped into their session. Hanji usually asked the same questions, sometimes in new variations, though. Like wording the questions differently might scrape the surface of something new. But this time, Hanji was starting to ask more personal questions that she’d never ventured into before.
“You’ve had sex before, correct?”
“How many partners would you say?”
“Do you typically feel an emotional connection during these encounters?”
“Would you say that, for you, sex is emotionally complicated?”
Eren felt a little blindsided and confused. His cheeks were hot with every new question. Was she trying to embarrass him?
“Sorry, Hanji,” Eren interrupted. “What does this have to do with me being a titan?”
“I’m trying to see if sex is any different for you than it would be for any other person. Do you have sex with men exclusively?”
“I…yes.” Eren admitted, pushing his hands between his knees uncomfortably, as though he could hide himself that way.
“Do you…” Hanji sighed, looking lost in thought. Like whatever she was about to ask was the only thing that could’ve possibly embarrassed her. “Do you…receive?”
For a moment, Eren was confused. Receive? What the hell is she—?
“I mean do you—”
It suddenly hit Eren what she was asking.
“Oh. Yeah. I usually bottom.”
“Right,” She started scribbling again. “Does it hurt?”
“Sometimes,” Eren shrugged. “Just depends. But my body heals, so…”
Hanji looked down to Eren’s neck instinctively. The bruises that had formed there the night before, from having another man’s hands locked around his neck tightly, had disappeared already.
“Would you say that area heals differently from the rest of your body?”
“N-No.”
“Have you ever almost shifted during sex?”
“God—no,” Eren stuttered, eyes wide. “Definitely not.”
The questions went on. They got more awkward as the hour went on, until Eren was a babbling, uncomfortable mess. His blush had extended all the way down to his chest by the time Hanji had released him, declaring that they’d continue the next morning.
Eren was positively mortified.
He thought he’d gotten away with being sexually adventurous without his superiors knowing much about it, but was he wrong? Did Hanji know about his many, many endeavors? Was that why she was asking? Had she been trying to gauge just how explicit Eren was in headquarters? Was he breaking some kind of rule?
Eren walked into the mess hall to find his friends, and he avoided looking toward the table where their superiors often seated themselves. Captain Levi was there—he’d seen out of the corner of his eye—and he was sure he was already as red as a tomato. The last thing he wanted was to get any redder at the sight of his handsome, older captain.
Sometimes, he was certain that Levi could read his mind. Of course, that was silly, and impossible. But the way the captain looked at him…sometimes it terrified him. As though the man knew all of Eren’s dirtiest little secrets, and he was determined to expose them all.
His dirtiest secret of all being that…well, most of his sexual adventures were just empty, futile attempts to get rid of his feelings for the captain himself.
“Hey, Eren!” Sasha called, scooting closer to him. Connie, who was on the other side of her, followed. “What did Squad Leader Hanji want last night?”
“Oh,” Eren shook his head. “She asked me if I’d start bringing Captain Levi his tea in the evenings.”
Across the table, seated beside Mikasa, Armin began to choke on his porridge. He coughed until his cheeks turned pink and his eyes watered. Mikasa smacked his back. When he’d finally gathered himself, he spoke. “Why on Earth would she ask you to do that?”
“She said that she usually does it, but,” Eren’s cheeks turned pink as well. “She’s going to start getting busy, so she asked me to take over.”
Mikasa’s eyes narrowed. “What an odd request. Why can’t the captain make his own tea?”
Eren shrugged. “She said that he usually just wants to get paperwork done, so she started doing it for him without him even asking, and I guess she just doesn’t want to leave him hanging.”
“Hmm.”
Eren didn’t like that look in Mikasa’s eyes.
Eren knew that Mikasa wasn’t stupid, she had to have known—to some extent—about Eren’s little crush. For the first couple of years, she’d called Eren out on his supposed ‘hero worship’ until Eren was flushing and yelling at her to shut up. But then, Eren’s hero worship hadn’t gone away. He knew that Mikasa noticed—everyone did. He didn’t do a great job of hiding it. But no one other than Armin truly knew about Eren’s feelings.
Said feelings went far beyond hero worship.
“Well, he’s looking at you,” Connie said suddenly. “Maybe he knows that you’ll be bringing him tea from now on.”
Eren looked up before he could convince himself not to.
Captain Levi was looking at him, with a look in his eyes that wasn’t exactly familiar to Eren. It wasn’t hardened, as it often was, but it wasn’t soft either. He looked… curious. Eren looked away briefly, then back again. He thought that maybe the captain would look away at being caught staring, but he didn’t. He just continued to stare, shamelessly, ignoring Hanji’s babbling and loud laughter.
“Eren, stop staring at him,” Jean mumbled. “He’ll kill you or something.”
Eren snapped his eyes away. “Yeah, like you wouldn’t enjoy watching that.”
“I mean, I totally would, but it’s a little early to enjoy your demise. I’m still half-asleep.”
Eren resisted the urge to look back up for the rest of breakfast, even when he could feel Levi’s eyes on him.