Chapter Text
Jonathan Joestar was a man of many talents. He had written eight books about Mesoamerican and Andean civilizations, and he was in the process of writing a ninth one. At 45 years old, he was still capable of running 100 meters in eleven seconds and throwing an american football ball to the opposite side of the court. He could disarm a man with a knife using only his hands. He knew how to perform CPR and first aid. He could solve newspaper crosswords in less than ten minutes. He repaired cars, appliances, water leaks, torn socks, and decapitated stuffed animals. He could effortlessly calm a crying baby or a panicked adult. He was one of the only three human beings (along with Giorno and Diana Brando) capable of reasoning with Dio when he was angry. He spoke Spanish and Italian fluently. Damn, Ungalo was convinced that his father could communicate with cats.
But... cooking was not one of his many talents.
4:36 PM.
"My client is an idiot."
Jonathan, who was at the supermarket at that moment, couldn't help but let out a small chuckle, vividly imagining the tone of disdain in his husband's voice.
"You shouldn't speak about your clients like that," he typed. After that, he sent a sticker of a frowning duck. Ungalo and Jodio had taught him how to use WhatsApp stickers the previous week. Now, he had over fifty of them saved, and he used them all the time.
"But he's an idiot. The moron didn't think to mention that he has security cameras until now."
"But that's good, isn't it?" Jonathan asked, accompanying the message with a sticker of a rat with a question mark.
"I'll have to review the footage to see if they're useful. If they are, we'll probably have to restructure the defense."
Jonathan didn't need to know about law to understand that meant more work, so he sent Dio a sticker of a sad kitten.
"It goes without saying, but I won't be able to make it for dinner tonight."
Jonathan sent another sad kitten sticker.
5:45 PM.
The six children of the Joestar-Brando family (and Mista) were gathered in the living room. That would be a rare occurrence any day of the week, except Wednesdays, because Wednesdays were days of new Stranger Things episode. Each of them could easily watch the episode in their own rooms, but due to certain incidents (a.k.a. Jodio dropping spoilers), a protocol was established when they all watch the same shows: Donatello changes the Netflix password every Tuesday night, only sending the new password to the family group after finishing the new episode.
Chaos almost erupted when Dragona (who had been assigned the remote control that afternoon) paused the TV to read a text message.
"Dragona! Why did you do that?" Ungalo shouted, causing Rikiel, who was sitting next to him on the couch, to startle and kick Jodio's—who was seated on the floor—Coca-Cola can.
"Rikiel! It was the last vanilla one! Now you have to buy me another one."
"I'm not going to buy you a whole can! It was almost empty! Besides, it was Ungalo's fault."
Ungalo would probably have protested if he weren't in the midst of a fight struggle for the remote control, which Dragona held over his head.
"Donatello! Tell Rikiel to buy me another Coca-Cola!"
"OUCH! Donatello! Ungalo bit my arm!"
Donatello stood up silently, went to the kitchen, and returned with a spray bottle full of water. He was about to spray them all (including Giorno and Mista, who were now making out on the carpet) when Jonathan opened the door.
"Kids, can you help me bring the bags from the car?"
"Of course, Mr. Joestar!" Mista hurriedly responded, perhaps with a bit too much enthusiasm for someone who had been practically eating the youngest (only three minutes younger than Jodio, but still the youngest) of Jonathan's children just two seconds ago.
"Did you bring vanilla Coca-Cola, dad?" Jodio asked.
"Yes. I brought two packs."
Jodio practically ran to the car.
6:18 PM.
In the end, everyone helped bringing the groceries from the car and arranging them in the pantries and fridge. Rikiel was about to put away the pancake mix, when Jonathan interrupted him.
"Can you leave that out? We're having pancakes for dinner tonight."
"Really? Father always says pancakes are for breakfast, not dinner," Giorno commented.
"I know. But Dio won't be able to join us for dinner tonight, so I thought..."
The six Joestar-Brando siblings froze for a moment, fearing that their dad would say what he was indeed about to say.
"...I could make some pancakes."
The siblings exchanged glances, silently devising an emergency plan.
"But Dad! You've surely had a looong and tiring day! Why don't you relax while I make the pancakes?" offered Dragona.
"Or we can order something for delivery. Libeccio's pizzas are discounted today," suggested Giorno.
Jonathan let out a sigh.
"Kids... I know what you're trying to do. I understand that maybe I'm not the best cook in this family, but even I can make pancakes. The instructions are on the box, and it only requires four ingredients. Have a little faith in Dad."
Reluctantly, the kids agreed.
6:25 PM.
After a couple of not-so-subtle attempts by Donatello and Dragona to take control of the kitchen, Jonathan had lost his patience and kicked them all to the living room.
"Do we still have a fire extinguisher?" Rikiel asked.
"Jodio and I used it for a TikTok," Ungalo replied.
Donatello began massaging his temples as he counted to ten, trying not to lose his patience with his younger siblings. When he reached number seven, Giorno handed him a credit card.
"What's this?"
"I stole Dad's wallet to pay for the pizzas."
"Do you know the code?"
"It's father's birthday," Dragona answered, while checking her phone.
"Alright then. Jodio, go with Rikiel to buy... where's Jodio?"
"He hid in the pantry to record Dad," Dragona replied again. Donatello rolled his eyes.
"Well, Rikiel and I will go get the fire extinguisher. If you see smoke..."
"We'll open the windows and wait outside," Giorno finished.
As Rikiel and Donatello left the house, Guido, who had been silently observing the exchange, finally spoke up.
"Aren't you all exaggerating a bit?"
From the kitchen, they heard the sound of something heavy falling to the floor and breaking (the mixer, as they would later find out thanks to Jodio's TikTok).
"Jesus Christ," Mista muttered. Giorno gave him a pat on the back.
6:36 PM.
Donatello received a text message. Since he was driving, he asked Rikiel to read it out loud.
"Dragona says she thinks Dad broke all the eggs. She's asking if we can buy some for breakfast."
Donatello let out a grunt.
6:49 PM.
At Ungalo's suggestion, he, Giorno, Mista, and Dragona had started watching an anime called "Jojo's Bizarre Adventure." They were halfway through the first episode when they heard a scream coming from the kitchen.
A couple of seconds later, just as the smoke detector began to sound, Donatello and Rikiel entered through the front door.
"Shall we drawn sticks to decide who's going?" Ungalo proposed.
"Well, Mista was telling me the other day that he had always wanted to use a fire extinguisher..." Giorno offered. Mista nodded, visibly excited.
"Well, do us the honors," Dragona said, removing the safety pin from the extinguisher.
Grinning from ear to ear as he held the extinguisher, Mista opened the door to the kitchen.
6:59 P.M.
Once again, the family was gathered in the living room. Jonathan was covered in flour, eggs, and milk, and part of his apron was burnt. By some stroke of luck, he was physically unharmed.
The same couldn't be said for his pride, unfortunately.
"Giorno."
"Yes, Dad?"
"Can you order something from Libeccio?"
"I already did. It shouldn't take long to arrive."
Jonathan let out a sigh, looking completely defeated. Rikiel stood on tiptoes to give him a pat on the back.
"Don't worry, Dad. We'll help you clean up."
Jodio opened his mouth to protest, but Dragona quickly covered it with his hand.
"Yes, Dad, you just go take a shower. We'll take care of the rest."
Too emotionally drained to argue, Jonathan nodded and slowly walked away down the hallway, shoulders slumped.
Halfway up the stairs, he stopped and turned to look at his children, gazing at them with the eyes of a scolded puppy.
"Kids?"
"Yes, Dad?" Rikiel asked.
"Could you not tell your father about this?"
The six Joestar-Brando siblings (and Mista) promised not to say anything.
Although Dio, who followed Jodio's TikTok account, eventually found out anyway.