Chapter Text
GT: I’m sorry Dirk. I really am about all this.
TT: Jake, stop. It’s not really your fault.
GT: I know i must seem like the biggest buffoon right now but you deserve honesty.
Your name is Dirk Strider, and while you were certainly steeling yourself for this, you didn’t think it would hurt this bad.
GT: I should have said something so much earlier strider. During our correspondence i thought that maybe you had felt *something* towards me.
You clench your eyes tightly shut for two seconds, giving yourself a momentary reprieve. Jake was right, though – you needed to see and know the truth, no matter what. Inhaling sharply, you open your eyes again as Pesterchum alerts you to new messages from golgothasTerror.
GT: I guess i figured that since you were from a whole different place i was misunderstanding your signals. I should have known better really. How long have you felt this way?
He’s so fucking dense, you think to yourself. It’s in moments like these you hate yourself for falling in love with him, that buck-toothed, oblivious wannabe action hero, metaphorically and literally in his own damn world. Somehow, though, you only grew to find those things endearing about him, even if they were occasionally difficult to deal with. Like now. You realize you can’t break the pace of your conversation, lest he possibly become aware of your emotional state, so you decide to bite the bullet. What more could happen at this point?
TT: Years, Jake. Years.
GT: YEARS?
TT: Three years. I wanted to tell you for a long time, but the perfect opportunity never presented itself. I figured, “Why not today?”
GT: Oh frig i am the worst possible friend arent i?
You briefly entertain a cruel response by typing “Yes. Right now, you are quite literally the worst, most selfishly ignorant friend-slash-love interest a totally rad dude could ask for.” You quickly press ctrl+A and the backspace key, however. You will not let him know – for his sake and for your own dignity.
TT: Don’t beat yourself up, man. If anything, it’s my fault. I had three years of talking to you, getting to know you, and plenty of opportunities to tell you. Shit, I even sent you a robot who could have easily have relayed a message, and I didn’t do it. It’s only natural that I’d lose my chance, given how many of them I squandered.
GT: If it helps dirk i want you to know that i think youre an amazing chap. Any guy on earthd be positively lucky to catch your eye even if your eyes are always obfuscated by your blasted glasses-slash-robot-clone.
You almost want to laugh – Jake still doesn’t understand the difference between robots and artificial intelligence, even though you’ve tried to explain it to him a thousand times. You tentatively place your fingers back on your keyboard, hoping to muster up a smooth, clever response, possibly trying one last time to explain the differences, but for some reason, you can’t. Maybe it’s because the comment would fly right over his dark-haired head. Maybe it’s because of that warm, nauseated knot in your stomach, but for the first time in a while, you’re at a loss for words. You decide to go the gentlemanly route.
TT: Thanks. Jane’s really lucky to have you. Best of luck, bro – especially with the distance between the two of you.
GT: I dont know how were going to make it work exactly but were going to try. But remember when i said i needed to be totally honest with you?
You feel your stomach clench up and turn a little. You feel a bit of a cold sweat start to develop on your face – man, people weren’t just being poetic or ironic when they called it “lovesick.” You tap at your wastebasket to bring it closer to you, just to be safe.
TT: Yeah, what’s on your mind?
GT: I just thought you should know i did entertain the thought of you and i being together for a while.
Part of you wants to scream at him, arguing that the implications of his statement are that he doesn’t like Jane as much as he likes you, but you refuse, yet again, to show your feelings. It’s too late already, and to be honest, you’re not sure you want to lose him as a friend, either, even if knowing he’s with someone else makes you feel sick.
Another message.
GT: Well always be friends though right? I understand if you dont want to be.
TT: Of course I will still be friends with you. If anything, this might actually be a good idea – concupiscent relationships are pretty tumultuous anyway.
You secretly hope he takes your comment as a reason to be wary of his feelings towards Jane, and maybe to take a better look at what feelings he’s experienced towards you, but you know this kind of subtlety will slip right past him.
GT: I understand if you need some time to yourself.
TT: Thanks, but no thanks. I’m just glad to get it off my chest. Don’t worry about it.
GT: Youre a top-notch guy, strider. You truly are a good friend. I gotta get going though! Janeys online!
--golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]--
Janey. Did he really have to call her Janey to you? As if you needed yet another reminder that no, Jake does not have feelings for you the way you have feelings for him (even though he just admitted he used to, to make matters worse), and that he’s moved on to the heiress of a baking conglomerate with everything most average Americans would hope for in a potential partner, with whom he is obviously smitten.
Another message. It’s Lalonde this time. You really, really do not want to deal with her inebriated ramblings or orthographic arabesques right now.
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]--
TG: dikr
TG: *dirk
TG: dirk if ur there talk 2 me
TG: HELLO
TT: Roxy, as willing as I usually am to entertain your shipping fantasies and Batterwitch rants, I am not in the mood not now.
TT: Please.
TG: im not here to bagder u about nethin or flirt
TG: i jus wanted to check on u
TG: jane just mesaged me and told me eerything bout her n jake
TG: im so sry dirk
TT: I’m fine.
TG: BULLSIHT
TG: **BULLSHIT
TG: i know you strider
TG: wahts rly goin on???
TT: I told him.
TG: OMG
TT: Yeah. Worst timing ever, huh?
TG: Howd he take it
TT: Fuckin’ told me he actually entertained the idea of being with me for a while.
TG: what the fuck is wrong with him!!!
TT: I don’t know anymore, really.
TG: i thought you were palnning to tell him in person??
TT: That was a plan for a while, yes. Thing is, I just got impatient. I’ve liked him for a long time and I started to wonder if I was just trying to put it off to stave off rejection, so I asked him if I could talk to him.
TG: dirk omg
TT: He said he had good news he wanted to share with me, so I let him tell me first. I...certainly was not expecting that.
TG: fuckin a
TT: I couldn’t back down; he was anticipating something serious after my preface.
TG: so right after you found out jakes with jaen
TG: *jane
TG: u tell him yer in love w/him
TT: Pretty much.
TG: at least it couldnt get worse right??
TT: I’ll show you the log.
--timaeusTestified [TT] sent tipsyGnostalgic [TG] the file manbrofuckup.txt--
TG: srsly i wanna hit him
TG: remind me 2 tell jane to smack his jungle ass as hard as possible
TT: Could we refrain from talking about Jake’s “jungle ass,” please?
TG: OMFG sorry
TG: i didnt mean nething by it
TT: I know, I know.
TG: what pisses me off
TG: like REALLY
TG: about this whole thign
TG: he acts like he has no fuckin CLUE what to do with people
TG: he sure knows how to attrach them
TG: *attract
TG: but when it comes to actulay DEALING with people
TG: really could he have picked a WORSE time to tell u he kidna liked you back in the day???
TT: Between the two of us, sometimes I think he likes the attention of so many potential suitors. Me, Jane, you...
TG: ngl i was gonna say the asme thing
TG: *same
TG: thers just no WAY hes that stupid
TT: Look at the chat log again, Roxy. He knew I liked him. He knew.
TG: dirk look
TG: i know im thousands of miles from you n you probbly get annoyed as shit wth me
TG: but if you need nething im here
TG: i wont tell jane or jake
TG: not even ar
TG: if you need someone to litsen to you
TT: Thanks.
TT: Actually, there is something you can do for me.
TG: anythin
TG: whats up?
TT: Tell me: is this how bad it was for you when you found out I wasn’t interested in you?
TG: dirk do you RLLY think thats a good tpoic rite now?
TG: *topic
TG: given ur feelins currently i mean
TT: Yes, I do. In fact, I think right now’s the perfect time to have this conversation. How was it when I had to tell you? We’ve never really discussed it.
TG: well if u wanna kno
TG: i mean im glad were friends but for the lognest time i was wonderin if maybe it was something wrong with me
TG: that maybe u likin jake was just some excuse or somethin
TG: maybe i was too durnk
TG: *durnk
TG: **DRUNK
TG: or some kinda irony
TG: i just felt stupid
TT: You are not stupid. You are one of the smartest people I know. You know I’m not kidding about anything good I say about you, right?
TG: i know
TG: but when u tell someone your feelins you kinda blaem urself a little
TG: cuz theyre your feelings and only yours
TG: but at least you never...you know
TT: Never what?
TG: entertained the idea off being w/me
TG: n if you ever did you never told me
TG: and you never just sat there w/knowin that like some crpytic tnt waitin for it to esplode
TG: *all that
TT: Is it too late to tell you I’m sorry?
TG: no
TT: Well, I am. No, I didn’t really think about the idea of being with you because I knew it wouldn’t be fair to you. You deserve someone who really can give you everything you want in a relationship, and I can’t.
TT: This isn’t really something you can change.
TG: i understand dirk
TT: I mean, I’m sure I could feign that kind of attraction to a woman if I had to, but I could never do that to you. You deserve someone who can love you the way you ought to be.
TT: Someone who can really feel the sparks even when he only holds your hand, someone who’d give you the shirt off his back just because you spilled a little drink on yourself, the whole nine yards. I can’t do that for you, and it is not your fault.
TG: dirk wow
TG: i mean ty but whered taht come from?>
TT: I thought that this wouldn’t hurt this much. The idea of you feeling this way because of me makes me feel terrible.
TT: I’m sorry, Roxy. I really should have been more sensitive.
TG: its ok realy
TG: dont beat urself up
TG: specially not now
TG: it gets easier w/tiem
TG: *time
TG: but its gonan take a LONG time
TG: jake should feel bad about how he hanlded this
TT: He doesn’t. He’s too busy with “Janey.”
TG: oh god he called her janey to you too!!!
TT: Yeah. Felt like salt in the wound, just a little.
TG: so he knew u liked him
TG: let tat whole thing fester
TG: thought about bein w/u
TG: turns you down for jane
TG: seriously how are you not thinkin about revgence
TG: *revenger
TG: **REVENGE
TT: This burn’s still nice and hot. Sick too, but revenge is a dish best served cold.
TG: ur kiddin rite
TT: Possibly.
TG: lmfao
TG: glad u still got yr wits strider
TG: im gonna be here for you until this heals up
TG: call me nurse rolal
TG: tendin to your burns
TG: mendin yr heart
TT: Thanks. I think I might need some time to myself, though. I’ll talk to you soon.
TG: take care
TG: things are gonna be ok i pormise
TG: *promise
TG: :3
-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] –-
Good moirail. Best friend.
It’s not until you log out of Pesterchum and lay down in bed that you become aware that Roxy’s pep talk managed to make you smile a little – it’s only when you feel the muscles of your face shift as you take off your shades that you realize there was a difference.
You sprawl across your bed, tossing around restlessly, unable to find a comfortable position, and most definitely too full of thoughts to sleep. Eventually, you slip off your shirt and your pants, wondering why you hadn’t done that already. Even then, your bed still feels jagged, uninviting, and completely uncomfortable. Eventually, you find some sense of purchase laying on your side, Li’l Cal acting as the little spoon to your big spoon.
You refuse to cry. You clutch your puppet companion tightly in your arms, and give a shaky exhale. You will not cry, dammit. Instead, you turn Li’l Cal so that his bright blue bug eyes and permanent smile meet your face. You look down at him and whisper, “Cal, you’re the only one who never leaves. Rox’s too far away, Bro isn’t here, and Jake’s probably off baking some cream-filled-double-pistol-cupcake thing with his ‘Janey.’”
You sigh. “Never thought I could hate someone until today, really. He knew how I felt and he never did anything to stop it. Didn’t even bring it up until I did. What did he want, for me to swoon at his feet forever while he picked out whoever he wanted?” Your voice has gotten noticeably angrier.
“Fuck that,” you say, finally feeling the vibration in your voicebox as you shift from a whisper. “And fuck him. He’s got everyone thinking he’s so goddamn great. Thinks he can manipulate people. He has no clue what he’s about to deal with.”
Cal only smiles.
“I knew you’d understand.”
With that, you fall asleep, pressing Li’l Cal against your chest, his approving, unchanging grin still an obvious constant as you dream on the moon of the Kingdom of Darkness, the home of those who covet, plot, and destroy. For the first time, you feel at home.