Chapter Text
Bakugo Katsuki liked to believe he didn’t care about relationships anymore. Especially since the one person who he was convinced was the love of his life seemed like he didn’t want anything to do with him. Well, “seemed” was putting it generously. The bastard hadn’t talked to him since graduation. And, well, that was mostly his fault. Okay, 100 fucking percent his fault.
It was nearing the last days of high school. Eijiro had been more than excited to graduate. Hell, he was more than excited to get out of UA, too. Out of that fucking school and finally start the life he’d been dreaming of.
Eijiro had walked into his dorm a month before graduation, a huge smile on his face as he sat down on his bed without a word. He couldn’t help but smile, either. He always loved to see that unfiltered joy on Eijiro’s face. It never failed to make his heart feel like it was blooming, the petals of his love for him swirling. Especially when that smile was met with a kiss.
He kissed Eijiro again and again until Eijiro moved to lay on his lap. His fingers found his hair right away and he couldn’t help but kiss him again, his nose, his forehead, his cheeks. The little corner of his eye that made Eijiro scrunch his nose in that fucking adorable way that he just had to kiss his nose again.
“Hey, Eiji.” He whispered against his lips, feeling so much joy that it was burning in his throat.
“Hey, baby,” Eijiro whispered, looking up at him with such adoration that he had to kiss him again. And again.
“You’re so kissy today.” Eijiro chuckled, humming in appreciation as he started to card his fingers through his hair with more purpose.
“You’re so happy today.” He said back.
“Yeah! I am!” Eijiro beamed, and fuck. This bastard was so damn kissable.
“I like seeing you happy.” He confessed.
“Is that why you’re so kissy?”
He couldn’t even deny it, just simply laughing in response.
“I’m so excited, Katsuki! Last month of high school. Isn’t that crazy?”
“It is.”
“Are you excited?”
“Course I am. We finally get to be pro heroes without all that provisional bullshit.”
“Yeah! And we can finally be adults. Live out of the dorms and all.”
Katsuki nodded, “Yup. I can’t wait to not sleep in a stupid twin-sized bed.”
Eijiro chuckled, “I’m sure they’d be fine if we actually slept by ourselves.”
“Fuck off, you’re the one who’s clingy.”
“Hey, I never said anything about being clingy. And besides…we can get a bigger one soon.” Eijiro’s sentence fell to a whisper, his smile so sheepish and shy and downright fucking adorable.
He grabbed Eijiro’s face then, squishing his nose with a light force. Eijiro seemed to snap out of whatever thought he had fallen into as his laughs rang out through his dorm, and Katsuki had decided then he had never felt so happy.
He loved this. It was perfect. Being here with Eijiro, the promise of a bright future ahead.
He can't wait to be at Endeavor’s agency. Working to be a hero, working to be at the top. Getting to hang out with Eijiro all the same, whenever they could. Though, they should be used to the separation by now. It's what made their relationship all the better. He loved having Eijiro to rely on. To love. To hold whenever he could. Knowing that he had something to come home to, a smile to look forward to just added another fire to his flame.
He knew it was kind of crazy to jump into living together right after high school. To start their lives together right when they began. Maybe in a year, he'll be ready to live with Eijiro again. But, he knew. He knew he had to be careful about leaving his heart vulnerable. Hell, Aizawa had even given them a lecture as their third year started. Saying that “ You have to be ready for loss. You have to be ready for being apart. You have to be ready for fear .”
Those were the three things he never wanted to feel for Eijiro.
He guarded his heart so carefully, hoping that by doing that, he was protecting Eijiro the same. He doesn't know what he would do if Eijiro would get hurt on his behalf. Saving him. He doesn't know what he'd do with himself.
His fears were realized when, just on the cusp, Class 3A was called out for a mission.
The pro heroes had told them to pair up how they pleased. It was supposed to be simple. An “in and out” mission. Their first glance at the more mundane tasks of hero work, how “impromptu” teaming up would work when they were all at different agencies.
Of course, he had paired up with Eijiro. Kaminari tagging along because when wouldn't he?
It was so close to the end. The words on the comms said that they'd be packing up soon, to get ready for the officers and authorities to come.
And, before he could even…fucking sense it, he heard Kaminari yell out his name.
“What the fuck do—”
“Kat-Dynamight!” Eijiro shouted, shoving him out of the way as spikes and shards came barreling toward them.
He was only able to shout out a weak, “Eijiro!” Before he blacked out from the force of Eijiro’s shove. The last thing he saw made his heart stop. The shards weren't coming from the villains anymore but from Eijiro. Pieces of his skin fell as his world grew hazy.
Katsuki wasn’t able to bring himself to the hospital that time. He felt paralyzed with fear. As selfish as it was. As fucking terrible as it was? He couldn’t bring himself to see the pain he caused. He couldn’t see Eijiro there, lying unconscious.
He hadn’t seen Eijiro again until the day he came from the hospital, where he gave him a kiss on his head when he was pretending to sleep. A quiet, “Love you, Tsuki.” sounded out in desperation. Though, he felt he didn’t deserve to say it back. Not after not saying it for days. Not after ignoring all the texts from everyone asking where he was.
⋆ ⭑ ⋆
It was time for graduation then, and things between him and Eijiro weren't the best. He tried his best to ignore him. He tried his best to maybe float away from everything he loved so deeply. So deeply he felt his heart jolt every time he saw that forgiving, kind smile. He didn't want to disappoint him. He didn't want to break his excitement about moving on together. But every time their eyes met? Every time he saw his hopeful smile and the love in his gaze? He felt…
He felt.
The last time he had felt a moment of bliss was the night before graduation. Eijiro had held him tight in his emptied dorm, thinking he was asleep again as he whispered, “I love you so much, Katsuki. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”
He loves Eijiro. He adores him more than anything in the world. So, he doesn't know why the sound of his love, so clear, had brought a sting to his throat. Why it burned at his skin.
On the day of their graduation, Eijiro had brought him into a passionate kiss as they were declared official pro heroes, pulling him to the side after the ceremony was over. He had tears in his eyes, looking so beautiful amongst the confetti and cheers that he almost gave in. He almost let himself believe that he could have Eijiro and hero work.
But, ‘ You have to be ready for loss. You have to be ready for being apart. You have to be ready for fear .’ Played like a loop in his mind. The thought of Eijiro down and beaten in a hospital bed because of him made his heart drop to his stomach. He felt like he had pinpricks on his skin. Something burning and ready to burst.
Eijiro had said he had a surprise for him after the ceremony. And as soon as he pulled him away further and away from all the excitement, it felt like the sky was sloshing. He bit at the inside of his lip as Eijiro thrust his hands into his pockets with a nervous smile.
“So, Kats. Do you think, now, we can make this official? You know, since we’re official heroes and all? Maybe we can be official boyfriends?” Eijiro held out his hand, but he had seemed too nervous to notice he didn't take it, “And maybe—ah…moving—?”
Eijiro sniffed, giving him a small smile.
Everyone that knew them knew that they were each other’s. It had been something unwritten since their first year. Everyone just assumed they were together. They absolutely had to be, considering all the time they spent together, all the late-night sleepovers that they didn’t even try to hide, all the common room snuggling and holding hands in public.
But, no one had officially asked the question. Until then.
Katsuki felt tears rush to his eyes, a heat rush to his cheeks. He didn't even hear himself saying it, but he saw Eijiro’s face crumble. His heart falling like shards on the ground along with his tears.
“What do—Katsuki? W-what you mean, no ?”
Fuck. Fuck . Why was he doing this? Why was—
With his lack of response. Eijiro started to turn away, and his words rushed to his lips.
“Eijiro, wait I—”
Eijiro had turned around with a laugh that almost sounded venomous, pain so clear in his throat that he wished he could take the sun and rewind the hours. The years before he allowed himself to fall in love with Eijiro Kirishima.
“So, we’re done then?”
“Eiji, that's not what I'm say—”
“Please don't call me that,” Eijiro said, shaking.
“Eiji, I—” he tried to reach for him, so desperate to explain. He wishes that today was normal. That he just had one more day. That he could take Eijiro to his dorm,kiss him and make it all better. Three years and he wasn't any better at this communication shit?
“Then what are you saying, Katsuki?”
The tears started to pour down his cheeks quickly, and Eijiro’s face immediately softened.
“Hey, baby. What's wrong?”
“I don't know.”
“You don't know, love?”
He shook his head, Eijiro immediately reaching to wrap his arms around him.
“I just don't—I don't want…” he pushed the acid down from his throat, “I'm not ready. We can't move in together, Eiji. Not yet. Not yet, okay? It's too fucking much and—”
“I'm too much?” Eijiro pulled away from him, the action so sudden it almost hurt.
“That's not what I'm saying, Eijiro. You know that.”
“I don't know that, Katsuki. We've been talking about moving in together for years. Ever since we've been…like this. It was always you and me. I've planned my whole life around that.”
“I didn't ask you to do that. We're just out of high school.”
“But I love you. How could I not?”
“Eijiro. You've talked about us moving in together. I've never said I wanted to right after high school. Don't you think we should wait a little? We can't be stupid.”
“You think me loving you and wanting to not lose you after high school is stupid?”
“Eijiro. Stop putting words in my mouth.”
Eijiro shook his head, “You haven't told me you loved me back in weeks.”
Katsuki pursed his lips. He knew he hadn’t. But how could Eijiro not know?
“Do you not love me anymore, Katsuki?”
He sniffed, “Eiji, how could you say that?”
“I don't know. Maybe because you haven't told me? And you don't want to be my boyfriend? And you don't want to move in with me?”
“That doesn't mean I don't love you.” The tears couldn't stop falling. Why couldn't he just say what he wanted? That he was terrified. So terrified of having something so precious.
“It seems like it.”
“Eijiro. No, I'm sorry I—”
“ No . I’m done waiting around Katsuki. Obviously, you think I’m just someone to play around with, and I’m not. I guess I wasted 3 years being in love with you. So. Whatever. Live your life without me, then. Just—” Eijiro’s lip trembled, and before he could reach for his hand, to try to salvage what he just ruined, Eijiro’s moms came to hug and congratulate him.
The last time he saw Eijiro was with a broken expression. Trying so hard to keep up his smiles for his moms. But as soon as they locked eyes again, Katsuki felt his heart drop to the floor and stay there, his love stubbornly stuck on the ground as it urged him to stay.
After high school, he threw himself into his hero work. It had only been about 6 months, but he was already determined to forget all that bullshit. To forget all his friends that he had. The love that he had thrown away.
He made himself busy, never saying no to a mission, a fight, or a patrol.
Katsuki was always busy, despite ignoring the calls and the texts, and the messages on social media from his damn annoying friend group of wanting to hang out.
It’s been months! Denki would whine.
Come on, let’s blow off some steam! We need it! Sero would offer.
Yeah, I miss you all bunches! Mina would complain.
He would notice the lack of response from his best friend.
Ex-best friend?
But that didn’t mean he didn’t know what was going on with his former best friend, as he was always fed information he definitely didn’t want to know.
MINA: So? How’s the new boy Kiri? ;)
DENKI: Yeah! Tell us man!! When do we get to meet him?
EIJIRO: He's always busy.
SERO: Aw, we can plan around him!
EIJIRO: I’ll ask
20 minutes later, Eijiro’s next text made him see red.
EIJIRO: He said he can’t, sorry.
He wanted to say; Why are you sorry? Why isn’t this new guy dropping everything to spend time with you and your friends? But he had no place.
He didn’t deserve a place. Not in Eijiro’s life.
That didn’t stop him from wanting to call. Especially in the middle of the night, when all that hero work was done. Knowing that Eijiro had his warm and strong arms against someone else. His kisses being peppered over someone else’s face. His love being shared with someone who deserved it.
He found his finger roaming over the call button almost every night. His thumbs drafting message after message. His legs wanted to walk where he knew he lived. He had texted the whole group his new address, after all.
It didn’t take long to know who this new guy was. This guy, named some bullshit like Tomo, was plastered all over social media as Red Riot’s new “sweetheart”. The news was all abuzz about Red Riot and his boyfriend. Every time there was a camera, that asshole would appear. The dude looked happy to be there, too, all excited smiles and always ready to gush about his brand-new boyfriend.
“We reconnected after high school, and I was more than ready to fall in love with my favorite hero.” He bragged—to about a million news interviews. Always the same tagline, always the same smug smile.
Though, Katsuki knew it might just be his jealousy talking. Kirishima should have someone to be proud of being with him. Eijiro had worked hard to be a hero and who wouldn’t be proud to get to love that?
But, for the number of times this asshole bragged about being Red Riot’ s boyfriend, he never seemed to make a goddamn effort to spend time with his friends or any bullshit like that.
He doesn’t even think Eijiro even went out with his friends anymore, considering he always turned them down.
He had to know that he wasn’t going. He had to know that the only reason he dragged himself to these hangouts with Denki, Hanta, and Mina was because of him.
He didn’t mind not seeing them and if he knew his former best friend like he thought he did, he would reject their invites for his sake.
It had been six months and he hadn’t talked to the one person he loved the most.
It had been six months of him watching his new relationship unfold right before his eyes.
It had been six months and Katsuki was rightfully lonely.
He had left the agency at about 2:30 am, refusing a ride from Izuku even though it was late. He liked to take the long way ‘round after work to clear his thoughts, even if it was the next day and the morning sun was hours from rising.
He passed the familiar shops, the other apartment buildings, and the one place he couldn’t seem to avoid.
The new branch of the Fat Gum Hero Agency. He liked passing during the day, as the agency was lively and something sweet was always wafting out the windows.
He found himself lingering, waiting outside for the one person he knew he wouldn’t have the courage to talk to. Half of the time he knew Red Riot was out on patrol. He didn’t know what he’d do if he’d see him. See him and his sun-kissed skin, his sun-kissed smile, his ever-growing hair that he longed to run his fingers through. He’d probably turn into a puddle hearing that voice that used to tell him such sweet things. Words filled with so much love. Hell, Eijiro wouldn’t even want to talk to him.
As if being lost in a trance, he snapped himself out of his tired daze, hand so close to turning the high-placed knob on the agency door. The buzz of the ridiculous yellow neon sign that said “ Fat Gums !” like a bug in his ear.
With a sigh, he restarted his journey back to his two-bedroom apartment. Back to the cold. Back to an empty bed. Back to his self-isolation.
As it was about three in the morning when he got home, he finally decided to let himself go of his thoughts.
Katsuki didn’t even bother eating, even though Izuku had told him to eat something good because he deserved it. Instead, he just took a shower, laid himself down on his bed, pulled over the blanket he could never seem to let go of, and hugged himself to sleep.
The next morning, feeling like he hadn’t gotten even a lick of sleep, he kicked off his covers and made his way to the kitchen.
He had a rare day off, so he was gonna treat himself to a big ass breakfast, a whole pot of coffee, and watch trash tv.
He still had to get into the habit of making 3 servings of rice instead of 6. Getting out two eggs instead of four. And fuck it, he was feeling okay today. He’ll make fish, too. He’ll try not to miss the protesting scrunch of Eijiro’s nose at the smell.
It had been three years, after all. Three years of making Eijiro breakfasts. Three years of waking up with a kiss and a good morning and whatcha making for us today ?
He would always grumble, pushing him off and screaming about morning breath and making his own dumb breakfast for once.
He’d give anything just to wake up to an over-excited Eijiro right now.
He’d wake him up with breakfast in bed, plant kisses all over his face, let himself get lost in his lips, his touches. Their breakfast would get cold, and he would get angry about it. But, Eijiro would jump into the kitchen that was theirs and reheat everything.
But now, that smile, those sleepy lips, those tender touches, were for someone else. Someone who can’t stop talking about how much he loves his hero.
Kirishima was someone else’s now. He doesn’t belong in Katsuki’s what-ifs.
His phone pinged as he was making breakfast, the sound of his two eggs, not four, sizzling as he reached for it.
The words “ Red Riot and his …” flashed across his screen and he felt his heart jolt. He really had to turn off news notifications for Eijiro.
As he settled down to eat his breakfast—on the sofa because it was his goddamn apartment, and his mom couldn’t say shit—he finally decided to swipe at the notification.
What if it was about his hero agency, or a mission, or maybe Eijiro had gotten into a fight?
He clicked on it, rolling his eyes as the article said “ Red Riot and his boyfriend break up? Read below to see why this budding hero… ”
Katsuki’s phone clatters to the floor, immediately cursing himself as he picks it up to check his hopefully not cracked screen.
He doesn’t even bother to read the article. Bullshit like this about pro heroes always came out, trying to garner attention and clicks.
So, he wouldn’t even give this gossip the time of day. Besides, he knew Eijiro would’ve told them before telling the goddamn media. He was never one to talk about himself in front of the cameras, so he knew this had to be a load of crap.
He just ate his food in silence, closing off the news article and turning on the tv to some bullshit drama show.
As he was scraping his scraps into the trash, his mug already steaming with another cup of coffee, he heard a loud knock on his door.
He groaned, knowing that only one person had his address, and he knew perfectly well it was his day off today.
The nerd didn’t even have the nerve to text, knowing that he would say no to hanging out. But what was he going to do about it? Izuku was already here, probably with stupid Todoroki. The bastards were attached at the hip.
He stomps to the door anyway, another knock making him shout, “Fucking hell, I’m coming already!”
Katsuki opens the door with a sigh, nose in a pinch as he looks down to the ground.
“What the hell do you want, nerd?”
He sees a pair of feet that look nothing like Izuku’s, a bright red duffle bag leaning on a pair of legs he knew like they were his own.