Chapter Text
Dazai has created a group chat!
Dazai added 19 people!
Dazai: hi guysss~
Kunikida: Dazai where the hell are you?!
Dazai: not telling Kunikida-kun
Chuuya: y am I here?
Kouyou: and me?
Sigma: and me?
Dazai: bc I added you!
Sigma: but why?
Dazai: bc I wanted to.
Sigma: uhmm ok?
Nikolai: hi Dazai-kun!
Dazai: ...
Dazai: fuck I didn't mean to add him
Dazai: Fyodor helpppp!!
Fyodor: what is it?
Dazai: get the clown out!
Fyodor: no
Dazai: plsss Fedyaaa
Fyodor: I can't
Dazai: y not?!
Fyodor: because he is currently holding me at gun point!
Fyodor is offline!
Nikolai is offline!
Yosano: ...that escalated quickly
Kunikida: Dazai why is there a terrorist here?!
Dazai: y not?
Kunikida: because he is an enemy to the agency!
Kunikida: AND HE IS A LITERAL TERRORIST!
Dazai: so??
Kunikida: QOWUGDXBUNCIEBCCBHBWUXZNIWUBWU!!ZBAU03277E838D8Z02SNZKM;LKS,N21YBHI
Yosano: ugh! Dazai! u broke him again!
Dazai: oops
Yosano: now what r we gonna do?
Dazai: ...
Dazai: hey Kunikida there's also mafia members and M*ri here as well
Kunikida: HUQSVVUIFIEWGUQVGCCJXJIUGD2UBBC328SH2XVGGHESOISUBS
Ranpo: what r u guys doing? y is Kunikida keyboard smashing???
Yosano: ask Dazai
Ranpo: u broke him again?
Dazai: not on purpose.
Dazai: I was only being honest.
Fukuzawa: I appreciate your honesty Dazai
Ranpo: President?!
Yosano: President?!
Dazai: thank you sir
Fukuzawa: you are welcome
Fukuzawa: but next time perhaps hold your honesty back a bit more around Kunikida
Dazai: yes sir
Akutagawa: Dazai-san!
Dazai: anyway does any1 know where Atsushi is?
Akutagawa: Dazai-san..?
Dazai: I'm gonna go look for him
Dazai is offline!
Chuuya: hey kid u alr?
Akutagawa: I will find the weretiger for him!
Akutagawa is offline!
Kouyou: well there goes Akutagawa
Chuuya: I'm gonna follow them
Chuuya is offline!
Kouyou: and there goes Chuuya
Yosano: bet he's just going so he can see Dazai
Ranpo: I agree!
Sigma: obviously
Yosano: who r u again?
Sigma: well I am unfortunately Dazai's best friend
Ranpo: Dazai's best friend huh? I've gotta know how that happened
Sigma: we met when me and Nikolai broke him and Fyodor out of prison and he started dancing with me
Sigma: speaking of Nikolai and Fyodor... do any of u mind if Shibusawa and them kill Chuuya Nakahara?
Kouyou: WHAT?! WHO WANTS TO KILL CHUUYA
Sigma: ... Fyodor, Nikolai and Shibusawa
Kouyou: if they try to kill him then they will die.
Sigma: I am very sorry about that. It's just they r on their way already
Kouyou: what.
Sigma: they r very jealous men tbh
Kouyou is offline!
Sigma: sorry again!
Atsushi is online!
Atsushi: some1 help me pls!
Yosano: Atsushi? what's wrong?
Atsushi: Akutagawa is trying to kill me!
Ranpo: what's new?
Yosano: pfft-
Atsushi: it's not funny!
Yosano: I'm sorry Atsushi but it kinda is
Ranpo: Akutagawa's always trying to kill u
Atsushi: true but idk y he is now???
Yosano: oh yeah Dazai ignored him and then went to find u
Ranpo: so Akutagawa said that he was gonna find u for him
Atsushi: so he's trying to bring me to Dazai-san? y didn't he just tell me that?!
Yosano: bc he hates u
Atsushi: tell me smthn idk
Dazai is online!
Dazai: help me pls.
Atsushi: Dazai-san! where r u?! Akutagawa is trying to kill me!
Dazai: sorry Atsushi-kun but I kind of have smthn going on rn
Yosano: what's going on Dazai?
Dazai: Chuuya just showed up out of nowhere and then Nikolai, Fyodor and Shibusawa followed him and now they're all trying to murder each other and grab me for some reason!
Ranpo: grab u huh?
Fukuzawa: Dazai I have sent Kunikida to offer some assistance. Are any of them trying to harm you?
Dazai: no President. I don't believe they are trying to harm me. They are mostly trying to grab me
Yosano: Dazai wdym grab?
Dazai: they keep on holding me and just smirking at the others then they start fighting again until some1 else grabs a hold of me and then it just repeats
Ranpo: how r u texting in the middle at that rn?
Dazai: idk
Dazai: oh! Chuuya just caught me!
Fyodor is online!
Nikolai is online!
Nikolai: Dazai-kun come backkk!!
Fyodor: Osamu who is that short red head.
Dazai: oh nvm Kunikida's got me now
Shibusawa is online!
Shibusawa: WHERE.
Dazai: plsss some1 help meee they're creeping me outtt!!
Kunikida: Dazai! get off your phone! we r trying to outrun a mafia executive!
Dazai: sorry Kunikida but ur on ur own
Kunikida: what are you talking about?!
Dazai: UR the 1 who's trying to outrun a mafia executive
Kunikida: we both are!
Dazai: welllll...
Fukuzawa: I think Dazai is trying to say that the only reason Nakahara-san is chasing you two is because you have him
Atsushi: y is every1 trying to get Dazai?
Ranpo: I already know y but im gonna let u all figure it out
Yosano: ofc u r
Tanizaki is online!
Tanizaki: hi guys!
Atsushi: hi Tanizaki!
Naomi is online!
Naomi: hi big brother~
Tanizaki: hey Naomi
Tanizaki: whats going on?
Yosano: a lot
Ranpo: technically all of Dazai's suitors r chasing him and now Kunikida has him
Atsushi: what about me?!
Ranpo: oh yeah and Akutagawa is trying to kill Atsushi
Tanizaki: Dazai has suitors?!
Dazai: heyyy Tanizaki! its not as cool as it sounds :(
Tanizaki: alr... and is Atsushi ok??
Atsushi: no im rly not
Tanizaki: do u need help?
Atsushi: yes
Kyouka is online!
Kyouka: ill help u Atsushi
Atsushi: thank u Kyouka!
Kyouka: ur welcome! :)
Kyouka: where r u tho?
Atsushi: uhh im at *********
Kyouka: alr im on my way!
Atsushi: thx sm!
Kyouka: :)))))
Atsushi is offline!
Kyouka is offline!
Fukuzawa: well that's one problem solved
Fukuzawa: Kunikida and Dazai how are you holding up
Dazai: not very good
Chuuya is online!
Chuuya: four eyes istg if u dont let go of Dazai rn I WILL MURDER U.
Kunikida: y would I let him go when some1 from the mafia is chasing us?!
Chuuya: I can respect that but u dont have to carry him!
Dazai: yk he has a point Kunikida
Kouyou is online!
Kouyou: Chuuya where r u? r u alr?
Chuuya: Ane-san! I need help getting Dazai back!
Kouyou: ... seriously lad?
Chuuya: yes...
Kouyou: ask Mori.
Kouyou is offline!
Chuuya: Ane-san...?
Dazai: yeah shes gone
Chuuya: shut up mackerel!
Shibusawa: dont tell Dazai-kun to shut up!
Nikolai: yeah leave our kitten alone!
Fyodor: u dont deserve his love!
Chuuya: ...
Dazai: damn they rly went all out
Chuuya is offline!
Dazai: oh wait! no! shit! Chuuya calm down!
Fyodor: whats going on?
Dazai: Chuuya is using his ability
Fyodor: hasnt he been doing that the whole time?
Dazai: he is losing control.
Shibusawa: oh shit
Fyodor: oh shit
Nikolai: fun!
Sigma: Nikolai!
Kunikida: Dazai you need to nullify his ability
Dazai: what do u fucking think im doing?!
Kunikida: well I think your just aggravating him and letting me do all the work!
Dazai: shut up!
Dazai is offline!
Kunikida: I'll let you know when we get away
Kunikida is offline!
Shibusawa: now what do we do?
Nikolai: I hate to say this but I think the only thing we can do is to team up to find our kitten.
Fyodor: well if its come to this then I think I have no choice
Fyodor: I will give ¥1,000,000 to whoever can give me back Dazai!
Atsushi is online!
Atsushi: ¥1,000,000?!
Yosano: u rly just came online as soon as he started talking about money
Fyodor: will u get me Osamu back?
Atsushi: well does Dazai-san want to be with u?
Fyodor: ofc he does
Atsushi: alr then ig ill try
Atsushi is offline!
Nikolai: no fair Dos-kun! we dont have any bribe money!!
Shibusawa: yeah we're not rich like u!
Fyodor: I dont c how that is my problem
Shibusawa: …Nikolai wanna team up? we can share our kitten
Nikolai: hmmmm nope!
Shibusawa: but it was ur idea in the first place!
Nikolai: tbh I dont rly want to share our kitten anymore
Shibusawa: selfish bitch
Yosano: LANGUAGE!
Yosano: children can c this!
Shibusawa: apologies
Akutagawa is online!
Akutagawa: who knows where the weretiger went?
Shibusawa: he was bought out.
Nikolai: he went to capture Dazai-kun!
Fyodor: what r u two doing.
Akutagawa: Jinko is trying to capture Dazai-san?!
Shibusawa: hmmmm... Nikolai r u thinking what im thinking ??
Nikolai: hmmmm... yes.
Fyodor: dont u two dare.
Shibusawa: Akutagawa we need u to save Dazai-kun from that weretiger and Fyodor
Nikolai: can u do that?
Akutagawa: I will do anything to protect Dazai-san.
Akutagawa is offline!
Fyodor: damnit! istg u two!
Shibusawa: we dont need money when we have manipulation~
Nikolai: probably y our kitten prefers us to a rat!
Fyodor: ill kill u!
Shibusawa: u can try
Nikolai: u cant kill us if we have Dazai-kun~
Tanizaki: u have Dazai-san?!
Naomi: what have u done to him!?
Ranpo: wait did u actually get Dazai?
Shibusawa: ...no
Tanizaki: oh so does that mean Kunikida-san still has him?
Ranpo: dont look at me. I have no idea
Kunikida is online!
Naomi: Kunikida-san are u still with Dazai?
Kunikida: yes I am.
Yosano: where did u guys go?
Kunikida: we're outside the agency right now
Fyodor: thank u for giving me ur location
Nikolai: Dos-kun no fair!
Shibusawa: we called dibs!
Fyodor: when.?
Shibusawa: just now
Fyodor: I knew Nikolai was dumb but u too Shibusawa?
Shibusawa: hey! thats so mean!
Fyodor: idc
Tanizaki: ...
Ranpo: yeah they're all kind of idiots
Tanizaki: um alr
Yosano: its best to just ignore them
Tanizaki: ... anyway Kunikida-san y isnt Dazai-san texting?
Yosano: now that u mention it, it is a bit weird that he hasnt come online yet to annoy some1
Kunikida: he's just tired
Fukuzawa: is he alright Kunikida?
Fyodor: what did that short red head do to my Osamu!
Kunikida: he didn't do that much
Kunikida: Dazai just had to use quite a bit of his energy to nullify Nakahara's ability and then we had to get away again so it just took a bit out of him
Yosano: Kunikida bring him to me rn
Kunikida: okay
Yosano: good and all of u! u better leave Dazai alone until he feels better!
Fyodor: or what?
Yosano: ill just have to give u treatment wont I?
Sigma: what does that mean?
Tanizaki: u DONT want to know.
Sigma: um alr
Sigma: Yosano-san is Dazai ok?
Yosano: he'll be fine as long as crazy ppl stop trying to kidnap him FOR A DAMN MINUTE
Shibusawa: we r not crazy!
Nikolai: ...
Fyodor: except Nikolai
Nikolai: oh Dos-kun! u wound me!
Fyodor: shut up
Nikolai: :((((
Fukuzawa: I don't want anyone disturbing Dazai until Yosano says it's okay. Understand?
Kunikida: yes sir
Ranpo: yes sir
Tanizaki: yes sir
Naomi: yes sir
Sigma: i'll try and keep Fyodor, Nikolai and Shibusawa away as well
Fukuzawa: thank you Sigma-san
Sigma: ur welcome
Fukuzawa is offline!
Yosano is offline!
Kunikida is offline!
Tanizaki is offline!
Naomi is offline!
Sigma is offline!
Shibusawa: sooooo... now what?
Fyodor: do any of u sleep?
Nikolai: no
Shibusawa: sometimes
Ranpo: no.
Fyodor: wanna stay on here all night?
Shibusawa: its not even night???
Fyodor: do u wanna stay on here for the rest of the day and then all night?
Shibusawa: ofc
Nikolai: sure!
Ranpo: yep but u have all got to play video games with me!
Fyodor: dont u work for the ADA?
Ranpo: yeah so?
Nikolai: I will play video games with u!
Ranpo: cool
Shibusawa: i'll join
Fyodor: ig i'll play
Nikolai: I wish Sigma was still on tho :(
Fyodor: shut up or we'll start without u
Nikolai: alr!