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I.
The wedding of Cyclops and Jean Grey (Marvel Girl? He's never heard anyone use any other code name for her, but he also hasn't heard anyone actually call her Marvel Girl - basically ever, really, but definitely not any time recently - so. Who knows, really. He's pretty sure that it's meant to be more of a thing for mutants, the whole name thing, but it's not like he's ever tried finding out) is covered by pretty much every outlet in the country, and also a whole lot outside of it. Probably a few off the planet, too, considering who it is.
All the pro-mutant writers, the ones who can manage to get published, write about the official coming together of two of the powerhouses of the mutant community. The anti-mutant writers... also write about the official coming together of two of the powerhouses of the mutant community, but with a lot more implications about how they're going to celebrate that coming together by destroying America and eating babies. Even the writers who are somehow neutral about mutants manage to say something. It's two of the original X-Men tying the knot, after all. They might not have official titles or positions anywhere, but that doesn't stop it from seeming like a major political wedding as far as basically everyone's concerned.
Which probably has something to do with how well attended it is.
There's mutants all over the place, of course, X-Men, and X-adjacent people, and a whole lot of people who are definitely not super villains, why would you ever think that - because apparently there's not a lot of high-profile mutant weddings on offer for whatever reason. And also apparently the two of them are popular on a personal level, as actual people or something, but probably mostly the lack of mutant weddings.
There's also basically all the rest of the superhero community, either because things are going well enough between everyone that they feel like being friendly and inviting everyone they know, or they're going bad enough that this is some sort of pointed political thing. Honestly, Johnny doesn't pay enough attention to mutant politics to know either way. Also he's pretty sure that he saw Doom somewhere earlier, and not looking like he was lurking or lying in wait to attack either, so he's a little busy processing that.
But apart from the guest list, the wedding itself is about as boring as weddings usually are - no long lost relatives coming to reveal deep dark secrets or anything, which he's pretty sure would've actually been more likely than usual, considering some of the stuff he's heard about the Summers family. But no, it's just a wedding. Talking, vows, kiss, so on.
The reception afterwards, on the other hand, is way more fun, not least of all thanks to all the booze. Which he's pretty sure is to blame for seeing Storm stick her tongue down first Jean Grey's and then Cyclops's throats. Admittedly, he's not entirely sure if he's blaming the booze for her doing that or for him hallucinating it, but either way. He blames the booze and moves on, not thinking about it at all after that night.
At least not until he's reminded, later.
II.
Johnny's plenty used to 'oh fuck yeah, we lived' victory kisses - he's shared more than a few of them with a whole bunch of people, from Webhead to Crystal, and even Ben once, so he knows better than to think that they actually mean that there's anything going on between the people kissing other than the thrill of survival. But there's kisses and there's kisses, is the thing.
The kiss that he sees going on between Cyclops and Iceman after everyone managed to chase away the latest alien invasion force? Yeah, that's a kiss.
And sure, fine, whatever - Jean Grey definitely died, which is pretty officially a deal breaker marriage-wise, right there in the ceremony and everything, he heard them both agree to it and everything. But at the same time - Jean Grey's definitely back alive now, however that ended up happening, and he definitely also heard something about a romantic post revival reunion kiss. And that's without even getting into the question of what rumour says is going on with - well, a whole metric fuck ton of people, really, from another red head (possibly) telepath to a ship captain.
Well. Not his business whatever's going on, he just wants to know which gossips he can trust.
III.
Sometimes Sue and Reed get... affectionate
Which, hey! Good for them! As lost in his head - and his lab - as Reed gets, like, all the time, Johnny's genuinely happy for Sue that she gets some serious loving now and then, That doesn't change the fact that wow! He super doesn't want to actually have to see that. And apparently it's not reasonable to make the lovebirds go stay in a hotel or something whenever they start getting touchy feelier with each other than usual, meaning that if he wants to not see things that are going to make him have to scrub out his eyes with bleach then he has to be the one to leave the tower.
Hence the whole being out walking thing.
Which is how he ends up seeing something that - okay, yeah, it doesn't involve his sister in any way, and he's pretty sure that the X-men only accept members with a secondary mutation of being scorching hot, so it doesn't actually make him want to sanitise his eyeballs, but - definitely still activities of both the touchy and feely variety.
Anyway - if someone's regular outfit is just a speedo, can they be half dressed? Asking for a friend. Also, same question for panties and a corset. Related, if the person that they're both super definitely making out with is completely covered from head to toe, does that average out to half naked? And does the answer change depending on how tight that head to toe covering is, or how much it looks like leather?
Because for all they haven't pulled a single scrap of his tight as hell costume off of him, Namor and the White Queen are going to town on Cyclops. Specifically bone town, with detours to tonsil test ville and gropage city. And unlike whatever his sister and Reed are getting up to back at the tower, it's hot as hell.
Unfortunately, no matter what some people seem to think of him (naming no names, mostly because that list would be way too long) Johnny does actually have a functioning sense of self preservation. Not only that, but it's even stronger than his sense of horny.
As he turns and sneaks away, Johnny wonders if Webhead's free right now.
IV.
The fight with the Skrulls is intense enough that Johnny's mostly paying attention to his own shit, but he's obviously not ignoring what everyone else is doing, not when they're all on the same battlefield.
So he notices the aerial lasers pretty quickly. Or, you know, 'concussive force blasts', because that's definitely a snappy name that doesn't at all sound like it only exists for the sake of being pedantic. But whatever you want to call them, Cyclops's red beams are coming from higher up than usual, and also moving around, so it can't just be that he managed to find a good roof to spend the fight hanging out on. No, it's that he's being carried around by Angel, the fluffiest of the X-Men. (yes, Johnny knows that there are X-Men who are straight up completely covered in fur. He stand by his statement - the feathery wings are that fluffy)
And Johnny is obviously no stranger to the strategic advantages of having flight capable heroes carrying the usually ground bound fighters - high ground, manoeuvrability, all of that junk. But there's a difference between a practical, serviceable lift to help out a friend on the one hand, and whatever the hell Worthington's doing on the other. Because Cyclops, fearless leader of the X-Men is pretty clearly being ferried around in a princess carry.
It doesn't have to be romantic, of course! One of them could have hurt something that means that this is the most comfortable position, or a whole bunch of other things that Johnny can't think of right now.
Except that also, it's a damn princess carry, and they just pressed their foreheads together while smiling gently at each other, and actually no, it's absolutely one hundred percent romantic! He hasn't heard any gossip that might explain what's going on here, but also, considering past experience, there's every chance that having the gossip would do absolutely nothing to actually make anything make more sense.
Either way, though, there's still an army to beat, so Johnny's got more important things to focus on.
V.
Okay.
Look.
He's not obsessed, no matter what the big guy might say. He just wants to know what's going on!
No one can move through that many relationships that quickly and still be on good enough terms with everyone to keep working with them on a regular basis. Like, not even someone as charming as Johnny, which Cyclops, whatever else he might have going for him, very definitely isn't. Which does raise the related question of just what the hell exactly Cyclops actually does have going for him, to have - something going on with so many people. Because seriously, it's a lot of people. Johnny's been keeping track and everything.
Again, not obsessed!
Just because the webhead swung in to see him one night and made an arguably justified comment about pepe la silva that might, possibly, have been based on the corkboard he's got up on one wall covered in red string connecting all the different people that Cyclops seems to have something going on with -!
Seriously, it's a perfectly sensible way to go over information. Especially when there's this much information to go over.
There's Jean Grey, obviously, what with the whole marriage thing, and the kisses with Storm and Iceman, and the making out with Namor and the White Queen, and the princess carry from Angel, but there's also so much more, which he hasn't been able to avoid seeing since he first started noticing all of this:
The super charged rivalry thing going on with Wolverine, obviously, everyone knows about that, even if they're not all wondering about it
The very touchy feely hugging with Beast - and look, the guy's fluffy, sure, but not enough to explain that
The meaningful eye contact with Magneto, which, sure, there's a bit of extrapolation going on there on Johnny's part, considering that the shadows from Magneto's helmet and also Cyclops's whole visor situation both make it pretty hard to actually fully, like, see what might be going on with either of their eyes at any point, but there's definitely a whole lot of points where they face each other and could be making eye contact, and also definitely a whole lot of vibes between them - and not just 'you've thwarted too many of my schemes to count over the years/you've almost killed me multiple times, starting from when I was a literal teenager, but either way we need to work together here' ones, either
The something that's apparently going on between him and Psylocke, though that's definitely the sort of gossip that he's not willing to believe without some actual proper confirmation, because no offence to Spidey, who did at least try to be helpful once he was done laughing, but he's not exactly an authority on the X-Men, after all
The fact that Quicksilver isn't actually a complete jerk to him, which Johnny didn't think was actually possible with anyone other than the Scarlet Witch, but also he's mostly trying not to think too hard about anything with this one, because he's pretty sure that everyone's confident that Magneto's actually definitely for sure his real bio dad, and that's just super weird
The grinning and bantering with Rogue and Gambit which is absolutely flirting
The list goes on.
Surely it isn't asking too much for Johnny to know what's going on with one guy's love life - preferably without Pete or Ben laughing at him about it any more.
+1
They actually have advance warning of an upcoming attack for once.
More specifically, the X-Men got warning from Cyclops's dad, the space pirate, and Professor X's girlfriend, the Shiar Empress, and also at least two different planets that they've saved before, and seriously, Johnny thought their whole thing was mutant stuff, here on Earth, why the hell are the X-Men the ones with so many space contacts, and not, say, the team who actually got their powers when they went to space.
Anyway, though, the actual point is that they have advance warning of a seriously major upcoming attack, which means both bringing in all the other heroes they can, and a briefing, so that all of those heroes are actually going to be on the same page. Johnny actually does pay attention to mutant politics these days, at least a little, mostly because of Franklin, which maybe doesn't say great things about him as a person, but does at least mean that he knows that the whole inviting everyone to the meeting thing is because people are actually kind of getting on lately, not because they're going badly enough to either need the PR or want to keep a closer eye on everyone, so that's nice.
Cyclops is the one actually running through all the information they have, as well as the current plans for dealing with it. Of course, this being Cyclops, this is all presented with such a high level of thoroughness and contingency plans that Johnny absolutely cannot manage to actually pay attention to all of it. He does, however, hear Cyclops finish up with an 'any questions?' which is when his hand goes shooting up.
"Yeah, who are you actually dating?"
"Oh my god, Johnny," Sue moans in the usual despair, dragging a hand down her face.
"Seriously, matchstick," Peter hisses, leaning over and grabbing him by the arm. "He could not have more clearly meant questions about the actual briefing"
But basically no one hears either of them, Johnny's pretty sure, over Cyclops actually answering him, brightening and sounding thrilled to be asked as he starts poking at the computer that's been showing them all the projected movements of the oncoming force. "Oh - just give me a sec, I can bring up the chart -"
"Scott." Jean Grey cuts him off with a gentle hand on his arm. "I'm almost certain that just saying that we're all polyamorous would be enough for him."
"But darling," drawls the White Queen with a smirk, "you know how much work he's put into it. And now you're going to deny him the opportunity to show it off more widely?"
Cyclops stops moving as the two of them speak, slumping a little in what Johnny's pretty sure is actual disappointment and dejection. Johnny clears his throat. "That does technically answer my question, but also I would love to see your chart if that's on offer."
"After all of this is taken care of, maybe," Peter says. "Like, I'm all for gossip about people's love lives, but I feel like it could maybe take second place to saving the world? I mean, obviously that's more of an everyday thing for basically all of us than getting to hear about who you're getting freaky with is, but still, it is kind of more time sensitive."
Johnny just grins as Cyclops agrees and starts answering people with actual relevant questions. He's finally going to get an explanation! Not to mention the chance to talk to someone who properly appreciates accurately keeping track of relationships instead of showering him with mockery.