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The antidote to fear is knowledge. Ever since she was a small child, Jane’s needed answers to all her questions. It’s why she’s always identified with Harriet the Spy.
Her mum liked to say that a thing is only scary until you understand it, and Jane took that to heart. When she was a kid, thunder scared her until she checked out five books on the topic from the library, read them cover to cover, and finally understood it.
The more knowledge she has at her fingertips, the less scary and uncertain things seem. It’s how she tackled her fear of spiders, heights, and drowning.
It’s in that same spirit that Jane has set out to conquer her new greatest fear, the one that’s been keeping her awake at night, that’s been causing her to act so erratically, especially in the past year. It’s why Ted’s here, perched on the end of the hotel bed and groggily telling her a story about the time he and Beard went to the planetarium.
He’s groggy from the tablet of Hypnotic she slipped into his drink when he was distracted talking to another patron outside the pub. Right now he’s groggy but soon he’ll be pliant and suggestible, and tomorrow he won’t remember any of this.
She needs answers. She won’t rest until she knows everything about Ted that she needs to know to neutralize his level of threat. She needs to know what he’s like in bed, what he likes, what he looks and sounds like, what makes him lose control… What he can do.
If she can find that out, she can win. She won’t have to be afraid that Ted can offer Beard something she can’t. She’ll know what she’s up against, and then all she has to do is be better than that. Her fear will be conquered. They’ll all be able to move on with their lives.
“He’s a good guy, y’know,” Ted mutters from his slumped position at the end of the bed. Jane hums in question as she takes off her leather jacket. Best to keep him talking until he’s out of the groggy stage. “Told me names of the stars… Never got tired of me askin’…” Ted sniffs heavily, and Jane remembers that Hypnotic can also produce some emotional side effects. “And when I got all spooked by all the stars up there…” Ted exhales, “Whispered to me about… all about how stars are just hot gas, mostly made’a hydrogen and helium.”
Nevermind. Jane doesn’t want to wait around after all. She’s not here to listen to him gush about her boyfriend. She puts her hand around the drawstrings of his hooded sweater and tugs him; he goes easily. “Ted, d’you think you could stop talking?” Ted nods dutifully, so he has to be in the pliant, agreeable stage after all. “Listen to me. Take your clothes off.”
She lets go as Ted nods and unzips his coat, then shimmies out of it. Then he takes off his sweater and shirt. His chest is hairy and not what she’d call defined. His chest and his shoulders are broad enough that he actually seems a bit beefy. Easy to imagine Beard—imagine someone could comfortably rest their head on him.
His nipples are peaking from the cold. She needs to know if he likes to have them abused, scratched and bit like Beard—like someone will want to do for Ted if he likes that kind of thing. Jane experimentally scratches one nipple with a thumbnail; Ted shivers and takes in a small but sudden breath. Responsive, but not the way she is. A reassuring, successful start to her experiment. So far so good.
Ted takes his trousers off next, and he has long legs with thick thighs that—that someone could ride if they wanted to. The boxer-briefs join the pile of clothes, and then Jane’s looking at one massive thing Ted has that she doesn’t. He’s sporting a semi, and already he’s so huge she can just picture it, Beard being a total fucking slag for this cock.
But if it’s a big cock Beard wants, Jane can use a strap-on and give him exactly what Ted can. No big deal.
Jane takes her clothes off as he sits and waits, eyes kind of travelling to her, blinking, and looking beyond like he’s not sure if this is happening, if it’s a dream. When she’s naked, she pushes him back on the bed and straddles him. “Hands on my hips,” she orders.
Ted does what he’s told, his hands clumsily patting her hips and waist. His back arches right off the bed as she starts pumping his cock. She needs to know if there’s anything to fuss about, to feel if there is. She gets him hard and panting, and then she lays back, pushing him down the bed and shoving her crotch in his face, clit pounding when he goes so easily. “Get your mouth on me,” she snaps. “Give me the best fucking head of your fucking life.”
Ted’s pretty good at it. He flicks his tongue at her bud, making frantic wet sounds that have her cunt squeezing around nothing.
Ted would do this for Beard, lick and suck his hole, flutter his tongue inside, his facial hair scratching against Beard’s skin in a way Beard would love. She’s pretty sure Beard would come before Ted even finished putting his cock in Beard’s arse…
Then Beard will leave her. He’ll leave her for Ted and his fucking tongue and his fucking cock.
No, he won’t do any of that. Because whatever Ted can do, she can easily do for Beard. “Stop moving,” she orders, then uses his tongue to get her orgasm. It hits, and she catches her breath as she comes down.
Ted flops sideways a bit, still looking pretty confused, but his cock is half-hard between his legs. He must be enjoying this… “You like this, don’t you, Ted?” she asks, shoving him back against the mattress and getting him fully hard again with a few bobs of her head on his cock. Ted shudders and moans because she knows what she’s doing. It’s why she’ll be able to keep Beard once she knows what the fuck Ted has going for him that Beard can’t seem to let him go already, no matter what she does.
Ted moans. Jane’s voice shakes as she puts a condom on him and sinks right down on his cock to the hilt. “Yeah? This feel good? You wanna keep doing it?”
Ted is sighing, his head lolling back as he pants and bucks his hips. “Hmm?” he mutters.
Jane kisses him, and Ted’s responding to it, slow but eager and pretty good with his tongue for this, too. It’s not an especially exciting kiss, but Beard would probably like it. He’d probably like the sounds Ted’s making, too.
She wonders suddenly if Beard would recognize the sounds. That information would settle it once and for all, whether Beard’s shagging Ted.
Now that the idea is in her head, she can’t rest until she knows. She climbs off him to find her phone, then comes back and lowers herself on his cock again. He’s moaning again, which is perfect. She goes straight to her Recent calls and starts one with Beard, then puts the phone on speaker and sets it on the mattress beside Ted’s shoulder.
She tests out riding him hard and fast, and that gets him moaning exactly the way she wants him moaning when Beard answers. The phone clicks and connects, and Beard says, “Sorry, sorry. I fell asleep. What’s up?”
Jane feels a thrill run through her. “Name that tune,” she says, all breath, then leans forward and strokes her hands through Ted’s hair as she rides him even faster. That has him making all kinds of moans and whimpers, long drawn-out ones that Jane spurs on with tight squeezes of her muscles.
There’s been silence for too long. “Beard?” she gasps, sitting up but still riding Ted so he continues to make those frantic noises.
“What did you do?” Beard demands, and his voice is pure panic. Pure anger. Jane stops moving. But Beard’s not talking to her anymore. “Hey, Ted?” His voice is soft, reassuring. “Can you hear me?”
Ted looks around in stunned confusion. “Coach?”
There’s the rustle of movement. “Yeah. Hey, listen to my voice, alright? You’re gonna be okay. I’m on my way.”
Eyes closing, Ted’s face breaks out in a sleepy smile. “’S okay,” he murmurs. “I know I’m safe. ‘Cause you’re with me.”
“Yeah, I’m right here.” There’s the sound of a door closing, and then Beard’s rapid footsteps. “I’m coming.”
Jane’s heart sinks.
“Where are you?” Beard demands, and now he’s talking to Jane again, firmly, just barely controlled panic in his voice.
Fuck.
She hangs up.
She has her answer. She knows exactly what Ted has to offer that she can’t, but it’s too late. Beard will find Ted. No matter what she does, he’s always gonna find Ted. There was more intense passion in his voice than she’s ever heard about anything to do with her. But it’s bigger than that. The way Ted responded to Beard’s words? The trust in his voice, the openness? She would give Beard anything, but she can’t give him that. She doesn’t have it in her.
There’s nothing she can do to change the truth. She’s putting off the inevitable. What they have, it runs too deep. It’s so real it’s terrifying, and so it’s not tenable for her at all. In a few minutes, she’ll send Beard the address of this hotel room, and then she’ll be the one to leave. No other option.
But first she dismounts, flips over on her back and spreads her legs. “Put your cock in me right now and fuck me.”
Ted does. He gets on top of her, holds one thigh against the mattress and uses his other hand to drive his cock inside with a shuddering moan. Jane grabs his ass and pulls him in. “Yeah, fuck me! Come on.” He fumbles his hands on the bed, face still hazy with confusion, then slams inside her with a grunt, burying his face in her throat. It’s good. She spurs him on with her hands on his hips to meet his thrusts.
“Kiss me,” she orders. He kisses her. He kisses her and fucks her in a way that’s good and brutal but sweet at the same time. It’s how he’s gonna fuck Beard later, and before she knows it she’s crying. She won’t get to say goodbye to Beard now. She won’t get a one-last-time with him. She has this instead, a tiny slice of the love Beard is going to have in place of her.
The love he deserves that she could never give him.
She’s happy for him, that he has that. But she’s angry and heartbroken, too, that she can’t love Beard, not like that. That would be giving away some of the remaining shards of herself, and she already has so few of the pieces; she needs to hold onto the ones that haven’t been stolen.
She gets herself off to the last little bit of love she can feel in his movements. She comes, biting his lip as she does. Ted whimpers and picks up the pace until he stills and comes too, shaking.
He’s breathing hard against her collarbone, mostly boneless, when she wipes off the tears and slides out from under him. She gets dressed, then texts Beard the address. In a way, she’s genuinely a bit relieved that she has her answer. She looks over Ted, who’s slumped on his front in bed like he’s had all his energy sapped from him.
Well, Beard can have him. She isn’t scared anymore; she has all the information she needs to put her fear to rest.
Harriet the Spy’s got nothing on her.