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Ritsuka is unsure what exactly he expected to happen once the show was over, but when he looks over at Mafuyu, a frail figure curled up on a bench in the dark, his lowered head only faintly lit by a flickering street lamp, he thinks this isn't going at all like how he's imagined.
After they hastily exited the live-house and left astounded Hiiragi and Shizusumi behind, he somehow ended up accompanying Mafuyu home, still high on the post-show excitement. The actual train ride was bearable, an unlikely semblance of normalcy. They managed to tentatively discuss the concert itself, Ritsuka throwing a technical remark here and there about the quality of the sound system, and Mafuyu commenting on how cheerful the crowd became, listening to their music.
But once they've reached a deserted playground next to Mafuyu's apartment building and sat on the sheltered benches hidden under rustling trees, Ritsuka is suddenly at a total loss for words.
Being with Mafuyu has never been simple. It was confusing at first, a tangle of alien sensations swirling inside him that he couldn't seem to fathom. He hadn't been in love before, and to fall for another boy for the first time was something he had a hard time coping with. Even after they started dating, Mafuyu was always the person bringing out the rawest emotions of him. Exasperation, frustration, jealousy, bashfulness, affection, desire, a wide range of feelings making his chest so full it was about to burst.
But never in a million years would he have thought that he would feel weird in Mafuyu's presence. Uncomfortable even. They've been completely quiet for the last ten minutes, and the longer the silence lasts, the more Ritsuka's stomach twists in knots at the horrible awkwardness of this moment.
They've been dating for quite some time by now, but Ritsuka has to concede there's still so much he doesn't know about Mafuyu. He's sitting impossibly close, yet it's as if they were separated by an invisible barrier, and Mafuyu keeps slipping farther away, out of reach where Ritsuka can't follow.
A heady rush of adrenaline made Mafuyu so bold earlier, helped him grab Ritsuka after the liveshow and confess his wish to sing together forever, but its effect has apparently worn off already, and Mafuyu is back to his distant self, locked inside his own mind, eyes set unmovingly on the ground.
Ritsuka glances at him again and studies his profile hiding in the shadows, his messy hair falling over his eyes, the softness of his cheeks, which seem to have lost some of their chubbiness over the time. If it's due to him growing up into a man, or because of the stress level he's been subjected to recently, Ritsuka doesn't dare to speculate. It just feels wrong that he's observing a person he's so fiercely fallen for and almost doesn't recognize him.
He's not going to lie to himself. They have never had that one body-one soul kind of a relationship. Their beginnings were rough, and he had to endure times when he didn't understand Mafuyu at all, when he had to fill in the blank spaces and all he could do was be there for Mafuyu, even though he wasn't able to fully grasp what was going on with him.
But they have been gradually growing closer, more comfortable with each other, and to think that the intricate events of those past weeks might have drifted them apart, back to the starting line, before Mafuyu became the number one person in his life…that's just so unbelievably frustrating, Ritsuka fights the urge to punch something.
He can't stand this suffocating silence anymore and before he registers what he's doing, he jumps up from his seat and abruptly rises to his feet, startling Mafuyu with the sudden motion after what seems like centuries of stillness.
They bore into each other's eyes, unable to interrupt that fragile connection, and Ritsuka can't suppress a shiver running over his whole body that has nothing to do with the chilly breeze blowing around them.
"Are you cold?" Mafuyu asks as he stands up too, and his voice sounds all scratchy with misuse. Or maybe it's because he's moved, Ritsuka realizes, when he takes in the glassy sheen of his wide open eyes, the slight tremble of his lower lip, or how he clutches the material of his t-shirt in his hands to stop them from shaking.
"No," he says, and his own voice doesn't sound much better, unproportionally loud in their quiet surroundings and pathetic to his ears. Ritsuka isn't one to cry a lot, let alone in public, but now he can't help it, he's getting all teary-eyed too. He angrily pushes his fingers against his eyelids like that action could prevent the unwanted tears from spilling over.
He felt so ecstatic, when he learned that Mafuyu decided to come to the liveshow after all. Relieved that all of his efforts weren't in vain, that he hadn't gone through hell and back finishing Yuki's song for nothing. He was able to grant Mafuyu his closure, to speak to him through the language of music they both grew to understand. However, music wasn't a fairytale solution that could make all of their problems disappear into thin air. It has brought them back to each other's arms, but could never be enough to repair them. Gluing together the cracks in their relationship requires a lot of work they will need to tackle collectively.
It's a hard pill to swallow, but Ritsuka guesses it's something that comes with growing up. Taking off the rose-tinted glasses and admitting to yourself you actually have to do something in order to deal with your issues, not just stand aside and wait for someone else to magically solve it for you.
He doesn't know, when he's started crying, doesn't notice the tears rolling down his cheeks, until Mafuyu brings up his hand, touches his tacky face with gentle fingers and wipes some of the wetness away. Ritsuka just sobs harder, a floodgate of his pent-up emotions finally breaking, his frustration, his pain, the lack of proper sleep, the hurtful pang of Mafuyu's rejection, and the immense relief upon being given a chance to express himself for Mafuyu to witness, all gushing out of him at last.
Mafuyu nuzzles his nose against Ritsuka's neck, presses his face to the exposed skin, and Ritsuka finds out he's crying too, albeit silently, like he doesn't dare to show him that he's also been hurting. And Ritsuka hates it, despises the fact they are so bad at communication that they've both rather been keeping their thoughts to themselves, so they weren't forced to make any tough decisions.
He swallows hard and decides it's about damn time to change that. He leans back slightly from Mafuyu's embrace, even though every second they don't spend touching now feels like a torture.
"I'm sorry," he begins to say, but Mafuyu beats him to it and apologizes at the same moment, his voice heavy and rough as he fights against his tears.
Ritsuka isn't sure which of them precisely is sorry for what. They really need to start talking already. It's Mafuyu in the end, who ends up biting the bullet.
"I missed you," he admits quietly, uncertainty flicking over his face, but he powers through, because he too can see it has to be done. "You became so engrossed with playing for another band, you didn't realize you were leaving me behind."
Ritsuka grits his teeth so it's easier to withstand the unpleasant truth. "I'm sorry I disregarded your feelings like that. But it wasn't that easy for me either. When I tried to reach you, you kept pushing me away."
"Because you wanted me to make decisions I wasn't ready for!" Mafuyu exclaims almost defensively.
Their conversation threatens to turn into a display of nasty accusations, and that's the least Ritsuka wants right now, to pick a fight, so he tries to stay calm.
"I know..but I gave you space to think alone after I realized it."
Mafuyu sighs and briefly looks up to the pitch-black sky. "And I thank you for that. I admit I had a rather hard time making up my mind." He pauses and burrows his head into Ritsuka's chest then, because it's getting more and more difficult to continue talking. "I was scared. I thought that in the end, I'd have to choose between you and music. And I couldn't bear the idea that I could lose the person I love because of music again," he mumbles against Ritsuka's shirt, and his warm breath tickles Ritsuka's skin through the thin material.
Ritsuka tightens his arms around Mafuyu's back and for once doesn't care if someone might see them. "It's my fault that you've been lonely, but to my defense, maybe I wouldn't have been so insensitive, if I was able to understand what had happened between you and…Yuki. Because it's not like you ever talk about him, you know." He almost whispers the last part, afraid that he could scare Mafuyu away, but they can't keep treading water over this delicate topic forever.
And Mafuyu seems to have realized that too, with the way he slowly lifts his head and shifts his gaze up, staring earnestly into Ritsuka's eyes. "I should have told you about him. And I will, I promise, just not right now. I want tonight to be only about us."
The kiss they share then is unlike any other before. Bittersweet, tender, full of past regrets and future promises. They're kissing as if their lives depended on it, and maybe they do.
To be allowed to kiss Mafuyu again is like a small miracle, and Ritsuka's lips feel all tingly afterwards as he trails the sensitive skin with a pad of his finger in disbelief.
"Come upstairs with me. Please." Mafuyu glances towards the staircase of his apartment building when they part, a hint of desperation colouring his voice, and Ritsuka's face flushes at his unabashed plea, but after everything they've been through, he knows he can't handle being alone tonight either.
"Alright," he whispers with bated breath, and Mafuyu guides him up the stairs by his hand.