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One of the things you had to learn when raising a Fei Du at home was that this young master would never open his mouth and honestly speak what’s in his mind. Thankfully, Luo Wenzhou was well versed in reading between the lines, and after all this time, he could be said to be in possession of a somewhat uncanny intuition when it came to Fei Du. That’s how currently, with President Fei loitering around the study while he was busy going through some material relevant to a new case that ended up in his hands, Luo Wenzhou could promptly look up and tell him.
"I'm fine, go to sleep."
Fei Du, perched on the edge of the table, looked up from his game and moved his gaze towards Luo Wenzhou, smiled like a demon, and husked, “why? Am I distracting shixiong?”
Luo Wenzhou almost rolled his eyes.
“It’s such a minor wound. What are you fussing around for? Or does the young master think I am as frail as he is?”
Fei Du’s smile widened. “Would I dare be so presumptuous? Who can doubt the capable Captain China?”
Luo Wenzhou sighed, put down the file, and stood up, Fei Du’s gaze closely following him. The smile on his face only got wider when Luo Wenzhou put a paw over his waist and pinched his chin with the other hand.
“Hmmm…not bad. President Fei,” Luo Wenzhou declared after carefully studying Fei Du’s face for a few minutes.
Fei Du’s clear eyes stared back at him, unblinking. “Not bad?”
“If it were anyone but me, they would’ve bought it,” Luo Wenzhou said vaguely. Then, he pinched Fei Du’s cheek and bent down to take a bite of the tip of his nose. “Why so anxious about this little thing, hmm?”
Fei Du didn’t respond. Luo Wenzhou waited for a few minutes but Fei Du still refused to speak.
“What is it?” Luo Wenzhou urged once again, caressing his cheek.
Fei Du slowly moved his gaze away from Luo Wenzhou’s face to somewhere over his shoulder.
“Can’t sleep without you,” Fei Du said so softly that Luo Wenzhou almost couldn’t hear it.
Luo Wenzhou’s shoulders, which had been involuntarily tensed up, loosened at this reply. Fei Du wasn’t unaccustomed to sleeping without him. Although he did sleep better with Luo Wenzhou around, he was still the kind of person who could shut down his mind and will his body to rest when he needed it. Considering their work schedules, if they were the type to sleep only in the company of the other person, neither of them would survive for long. But today happened to be a day where Luo Wenzhou had a very close call at work. Even though the bullet didn’t do any damage, only managing to slightly graze his skin, a little bit to the right, it would’ve been an entirely different story. There was no way to keep this from Fei Du either. Even if he wanted to, the unfilial children he raised at the bureau would have been more than happy to enlighten their queen mother about Captain China’s latest adventures.
Luo Wenzhou had just had his wounds treated when Fei Du showed up at the hospital. His face looked particularly calm and aloof which told Luo Wenzhou all he wanted to know about his psychological condition. The first thing he did the moment they were alone was to drag Fei Du into his arms, hugging him with his non injured side. With his head buried in his shoulders to inhale the scent of him, Luo Wenzhou still didn’t miss that one faint tremble of Fei Du’s breath against his ears.
They had spoken normally on their way home too. Fei Du hadn’t held back on his old man insults with Luo Wenzhou bickering back endlessly. It was so normal to the point that Luo Wenzhou had, in fact, forgotten for a moment that he was injured. Except, Fei Du had walked on his uninjured side when they were walking home from the parking lot, almost bumping shoulders with him. He didn’t let Luo Wenzhou cook either, even after Luo Wenzhou tried to tell him that he really wasn’t incapacitated enough that he couldn’t whip up a few dishes for their dinner, his reason being he wanted to check out a new restaurant that his staff were praising at lunch today.
Fei Du was such a person. Luo Wenzhou had no choice but to concede.
After dinner, Luo Wenzhou had moved to the study while Fei Du habitually moved to his place near the stairs. But not long after, Fei Du barged into the study claiming he couldn’t find his laptop charger. Luo Wenzhou calmly watched Fei Du while he looked around with no results. Fei Du smiled apologetically at him, said it might be in the bedroom, and left in a rush, forgetting to shut the study door behind him. Luo Wenzhou wanted to laugh a little in helplessness.
He watched Fei Du come back with the charger after a few minutes, sit down in the living room at an angle from where he could see into the study, and continue to work.
Sometimes he really wondered if it would have been easier for the both of them if Fei Du were the type to express his worries openly. As a frontline criminal police officer, things like this were bound to happen sometimes no matter how careful Luo Wenzhou tried to be. As their family, the people at home could only hope for them to come back from work safe and sound. Fei Du always put up a nonchalant front, joking with Luo Wenzhou whenever he came back with cuts and scrapes. One time, he was so badly bruised that Fei Du heartlessly laughed at him, saying he looked like some modern abstract art with all those colors strewn around. Later, he had refused to sleep on time that night, saying he had urgent business to attend to, and Luo Wenzhou had been too tired to argue with him. Somewhere in the middle of the night, he had vaguely felt the cold compress against his skin. He didn’t know how long Fei Du kept at it, but it must have been for a while considering they didn’t look as ugly as he expected them to in the morning when he checked in the mirror. In the days that followed, the cold compress made way to a hot one and gentle hands carefully applied soothing agents on the damaged skin, all without a single word of displeasure from Fei Du, until the day they disappeared completely.
“Do I worry you a lot?” Luo Wenzhou had asked him later once, another day he got back with a bandage around his arm.
“Would you believe me if I said no?” Fei Du smiled back at him. It was a genuine smile too, although tinged with an almost imperceptible flash of something else.
“I…” Luo Wenzhou couldn’t come up with a response, so he just took Fei Du’s hand in his and squeezed tight.
“I know, shixiong,” Fei Du’s smile didn’t change. “As long as you remember to come back home, it’s alright.”
“You know I can’t pro—”
“Shhh…” Fei Du put his index finger against his lips, stopping his words. “If you finish that sentence, I might really lock you up in the basement for the rest of your life, not letting anyone else see.”
Luo Wenzhou kissed his finger. The forced playfulness disappeared from Fei Du’s eyes, leaving behind something infinitely gentle, something Fei Du seldom let show.
“Wenzhou,” he breathed, closing his eyes. They were dazzlingly bright when he opened them again. “This is who you are, and you also know the kind of person I am. What do you think would happen to me? I don’t care in what condition, just come back to me alive.”
That was the only time they talked about it. Fei Du had casually turned to joking after dropping that and Luo Wenzhou never brought it up again considering it was an insoluble problem. He could only do his best to keep the promise in his heart.
There was a person at home waiting for him after all.
This was his first time getting hurt after that day so long ago.
Can’t sleep without you.
Fei Du had an endless supply of sweet talk in his arsenal and could talk nonsense until anyone but Luo Wenzhou would have ended up running around in circles, not knowing head or tail. Even with Luo Wenzhou, he was hardly ever so candid. In those few words, Luo Wenzhou clearly heard all that Fei Du wanted to say, and it was not just about today, but a continuation and a reminder.
They had tried playing it off, but Fei Du had willingly pierced the window paper…and Luo Wenzhou’s heart along with it.
Luo Wenzhou let out a long breath. Fei Du was still staring at him, carefully studying his face. Luo Wenzhou’s hands moved, gently grabbing Fei Du’s neck and keeping his face tilted up, then he pushed himself into the space between Fei Du’s legs and bowed his head, letting their foreheads touch.
“Darling, I’m sorry,” his eyes fell shut.
Fei Du’s breathing didn’t change at all. But Luo Wenzhou felt his manicured fingernails digging harmlessly into his wrist in a death grip. His fingers were very cold. Fei Du’s physiology could never lie.
“I know.”
“You know what my first thought was when I realized that the bullet managed to graze me?”
“What?”
“That I am done for. I was preparing myself for the basement.”
Fei Du laughed.
“It’s not a bad idea. I really do want to. I even wanted to purchase the chains on the way home.”
“Then why didn’t you?” Luo Wenzhou moved closer, his lips rubbing against Fei Du’s with each word he spoke.
“You guess,” Fei Du gave him a mysterious smile.
“Good that President Fei knows his own physical limitations.”
“Did you forget that you’re injured, old man?”
“Even if I’m injured and have both hands tied behind my back, I can still beat you without breaking a sweat, little whelp.”
“But I don’t like you injured,” Fei Du said.
Luo Wenzhou hadn’t expected him to lose his playfulness. Suddenly at a loss, he could only give him a reassuring squeeze.
“I know, darling. I know.”
Fei Du didn’t say anything for a while after that, but the fingers on Luo Wenzhou’s wrist gradually relaxed.
“Let’s go to bed, shixiong. I want to sleep.”
“Alright, come on. I was almost done anyway.”
As they made their way to the bedroom, Fei Du still kept his hand pressed lightly against the small of Luo Wenzhou’s back, not to support—Luo Wenzhou could walk perfectly well on his own—but for the simple pleasure of the warmth of this person who was so vibrantly alive, taking away a little bit of that brilliant light for himself to chase away the chill.
***
Wenzhou, you burn so bright that I still don’t understand how I’m not blinded yet. Even with someone like me by your side, viciously devouring every little bit I can, there’s still so much left, overflowing, saturating everything and everyone around you. I don’t want to share you, trust me, I would rather keep you for myself alone if I could, but I don’t dare to deprive the world of you either. How could I? I don’t believe in destiny, but I can believe that you were always destined to light up the darkness in this world. If I tried keeping all of that for myself, I’m afraid it would only end in disaster.
Because, as much as I want to, this sun doesn’t belong to me alone.
***
Fei Du, I may not be able to give you the promise that you need, but I swear, as long as there’s a single breath left, I will do my best to come home to you. Your bones are not even as strong as your glasses. Who’s gonna take care of you if not me? Don’t be afraid, we will have a long good life together.
Sleep well, darling. I will hold you.
For the rest of our lives.