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It was late when Anthony walked down the corridor to Loki’s room. Most of the inhabitants of the palace were fast asleep. He made no effort to be quiet as he hurried, his footsteps echoing loudly on the marble floors. He was still surprised he was even let in. The Einherjar had taken one look at him when he arrived and gestured for him to enter. While he was once a regular visitor, it had been months since he had last been here. It appeared despite the end of his friendship with Loki, the prince had not yet removed him from the list of authorised visitors. Anthony tried to tell himself not to read too much into it. Loki had probably just forgotten to remove him. But still, it was hard to fight the glimmer of hope.
He let out a deep breath as he neared Loki’s quarters. His stomach felt tight and sick with apprehension. He felt crazy coming back here. After their big fight, Anthony had never expected to return. Especially to this part of the royal palace which he had been fortunate to visit as part of his decades long friendship with Loki. He still had no idea how the prince was going to react. What was Loki going to think when he suddenly appeared at his door? Would Loki even speak to him or would he take one look at his face before he slammed the door and ordered the guards to remove him? Anthony hoped not. He had spent months thinking about what to say to Loki if he had the chance to speak to the prince again. He did not want to waste this moment. It was one of his last chances before the wedding. He could not let it slip through his fingers.
After what felt like a long time, but was probably only minutes, Anthony eventually reached the entrance to Loki’s room. There were two guards in the corridor, pointedly not looking at him, their gaze fixed in the distance as they stood still in their armor.
He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. It was an agonizing minute while he waited but he eventually heard movement inside before the door moved open an inch. Loki’s tired face peered out in the hallway before a surprised expression flickered across his features. Norns, he is still so beautiful, thought Anthony as he took in his former lover’s hair. It was slightly curled, messy, like it had been tied in a braid all day and Loki had only just undone it. It brought back memories of Loki's hair spread across his bed sheets.
“Anthony…?” came Loki’s voice, hesitant. His brow was furrowed in confusion.
“Can I come in?” he asked, voice uncertain as he met the prince’s gaze. Loki’s mouth was pulled in a frown as he appraised him. The prince eventually nodded and pulled the door open further. Anthony gave an uncomfortable smile as a thank you, before he broke eye contact and stepped inside. His heart hammered loudly in his throat. He did not feel like he had ever been this scared before. It was nothing like when he had first confessed his feelings for Loki by kissing him. Back then, it felt natural and exciting.
This. Now. The conversation they were about to have terrified him.
Anthony looked around Loki’s quarters while the prince closed the door behind him with a click. Little had changed. It was the same decorations, the same color green. The only difference was baskets and boxes piled up in one corner of the sitting room. Probably something for the wedding, he thought unkindly.
Loki cleared his throat when Anthony failed to speak.
“What is going on?” he asked carefully.
He must think I’m crazy, Anthony wondered as he turned around to face him. Loki stood uncomfortably, his hands poised behind him, as he tried to look calm. It did not work. It was clear to Anthony that Loki was confused. He also looked exhausted. There were bags under his eyes which had not been there a year ago. Maybe he has suffered like I have.
“I…” started Anthony then paused as he suddenly lost his nerve. He had rehearsed his speech over and over again on his walk to the palace. Anthony finally felt like he had been able to summarize all his feelings and wants into a semi-coherent explanation but now that he was standing directly in front of Loki, the words could not come.
He must have looked like an idiot, wide-eyed, unable to speak to someone he cared so much about. However instead of being frustrated, Loki looked concerned. Despite everything that had happened and the explosive argument that occurred on the night they ended their relationship, Loki appeared to still hold some care towards him. It finally filled him with the courage to say what was on his mind.
Anthony took another deep breath as he blurted out the most pressing thought. “I don’t want you to marry her.”
Loki flinched. He had obviously not been expecting Anthony to say that. The prince looked away, shaking his head.
“You promised me. You promised me that you wouldn’t do this.”
“I know,” admitted Anthony. He did promise the last time that they spoke to each other that he would accept that their relationship was over and would not make things harder for Loki. However it was a hard promise to keep. There were few words to describe the jealousy and heartbreak that overwhelmed him when news of Loki’s wedding was announced to Asgard. While Loki had the fortune of being surrounded by people who never mentioned Anthony’s name, Anthony did not have the same privilege. Everyone he spoke to wanted to talk about the upcoming wedding. It was the event of the century. He could not escape it, no matter how hard he tried.
“I know I promised you,” continued Anthony. “But I can’t watch you get married... I can’t watch you stand up in front of all of Asgard and promise yourself to her.”
Loki made a pained noise and walked to another corner of the room, needing space away from the other man. He paced back and forth, fingers tensed.
“You can’t come in here and say this to me,” countered Loki slowly, frustration evident in his voice. “You know this wedding is going ahead, regardless of your feelings on the matter.”
“You don’t have to get married,” replied Anthony, as if it was that simple.
Loki turned on his heel, mouth tight. “You knew what would happen when you kissed me. This-” He motioned between them. “-was only ever on borrowed time. You have never been a fool, don’t be one now.”
This is not how Anthony hoped this conversation would go. He felt disoriented and overwhelmed, like someone had shoved his head underwater and he was trying desperately to swim to the surface and catch his breath. He knew deep down exactly what Loki was getting at. Anthony had known all along there were expectations Loki would get married one day and fulfill his role as a prince by producing heirs to the throne. Anthony always knew this but he always hoped it would have been different, that perhaps they could have had their own happy ending.
Their relationship had not lasted long. After centuries of being best friends, Anthony kissed Loki one evening after they had stumbled back drunk to Loki’s quarters. They had been at a feast and Anthony was forced to spend the night watching one of the members of the court vying for Loki’s attention for hours. The prince had finally pitied her enough to agree to a dance, but throughout the dance, he held onto Anthony’s gaze in the distance. And when they had gotten back to Loki’s room after that evening, Anthony recalled how beautiful Loki looked in the dim candlelight. He had thought in the seconds before he leant over and kissed Loki that even the Norns would have approved his actions.
The months that followed were wonderful. Anthony was happy and he knew Loki had been too. They had been close friends for so long that becoming lovers felt like the natural next step. Anthony had always struggled in his past relationships, never feeling like he could be what his partner wanted and finding it hard to understand the other person. However with Loki, it was just so easy . He knew the Aesir felt the same way. Loki had found it hard to be vulnerable with others but he was an open book with Anthony. Despite everything, they worked.
However fate had another idea in the end. Loki had come to meet him one day, subdued and quiet. Once Anthony had managed to get the truth out of him, Loki admitted Odin had organized a betrothal for him with an Alfheim princess he had only ever met once before. It would strengthen the alliance between the two realms, Loki said, parroting the same point Odin had argued hours earlier.
It crushed Anthony. While he had known their relationship was full of risk and had to be kept a secret, he had not expected it to run its course so quickly. He thought they would have had years together before the topic of Loki’s marriage got brought up again. Loki had managed to avoid Odin’s attempts to get married for years, managing to pull one excuse after another out of the air, however his luck had finally run out.
It is time for me to get married, Loki had said, without any hint of happiness in his tone. They had both been blindsided by it.
Anthony knew it was too much for Loki to give up the crown, his home in Asgard, and father’s approval for a fleeting relationship with another man. In the end, Loki agreed to the marriage and broke Anthony’s heart. It seemed afterall, Anthony’s lips were not going to rewrite history. Loki would play the part of the Asgardian Prince and Anthony would be the embarrassing former lover banished to the forgotten pages of history. It was a tale as old as time.
Anthony took a deep breath and held Loki’s gaze. “Believe me, I knew the reality of our relationship. I know the reality of a relationship between two men on Asgard. You were the only one I ever felt brave enough to kiss, brave enough to take a chance with. But, I… I just don’t want you to go through with this. I don’t want you to marry her. I’m sorry if it hurts to hear this but I cannot sleep another night without telling you what I truly feel.”
Loki made another pained noise and sat quickly onto his bed, his head falling into his hands. His body shook as he tried to keep himself composed.
Break. Let me see what you truly think, Anthony thought quietly. When Loki lifted his head, Anthony could see how wrecked he looked. Tears swam in his eyes and threatened to escape down his cheeks. So he does care about me still, it does pain him as much as it pains me.
“What future do we have?” reasoned Loki, defeat evident in the tone of his voice. “There’s no version of this where we can live together in Asgard and be happy.”
“I know. I know . I just-” Tony took a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts. “I can’t do this. Sit quietly and watch it happen. It feels so unfair.”
“It doesn’t change the reality of the situation or what you promised me.”
“I know I promised to leave you alone but I still love you. More than anything.”
Loki’s eyes blazed with hurt. “What are you trying to achieve here? To make me miserable? To twist the knife one last time before I get married?”
“No-” protested Anthony. Fight for me, fight for me, he pleaded in his mind.
“Well congratulations, you have succeeded-”
Anthony shook his head vigorously, cutting off Loki’s sentence. He reached inside himself and pulled the last bit of courage he had before he quickly said in a rushed voice, “If you have to marry someone, I’d rather it be me. I know there’s some realms that would allow it, we could travel there and-”
Loki scoffed, eyes wide with disbelief. “Are you insane? This has to be the worst marriage proposal-”
“Worse than Odin marrying you off to a complete stranger?”
Loki did not have a response to that. He shrunk further into himself on the bed. Anthony took a few steps forward before he sat down next to Loki. Oh norns , it hurt to be so close to him again. Loki smelt of the cologne he often wore. It was a smell that often left itself on Anthony’s clothes after they had spent the day together. When their relationship ended, Anthony refused to wash a tunic that still smelt of Loki for weeks. But eventually the smell had faded, however his heartbreak did not.
Anthony reached out slowly and gently touched Loki’s hand which lay loosely on his leg. Loki did not push him off which he hoped was a good sign.
“This isn’t going to change anything,” murmured Loki, quickly distinguishing the small flame of hope Anthony had been holding onto. “I’m sorry. I truly am.” There was a sadness to his voice and a deep regret to his tone.
Anthony closed his eyes and grimaced, trying to stop himself from getting visibly upset. He had daydreamed that Loki would have been receptive to his pleas and they would have kissed and made plans to flee Asgard, to run away to another realm which would have accepted them.
“Did you ever even love me?” asked Anthony quietly, voice thick with hurt. He needed to know the answer to his question.
Loki looked sideways at him, eyes wide and honest. “Of course.”
“If things were different, if we weren’t Anthony and Loki and we were just two simple, unimportant Asgardians, would you run away with me?”
“I-” Loki paused. “I’m not going to answer that.”
Anthony knew what he meant. Yes, I would run away with you. He closed his eyes.
Loki took in Anthony’s pained expression and quickly elaborated. “I should have never let things go this far. This was always going to be the outcome. I was never going to be able to walk away from my responsibilities as a prince.”
Anthony sighed and withdrew his hand away from Loki’s. He pressed his fingers hard into the muscle of his thigh instead, trying to center himself. Hearing those words hurt but he was not going to argue any further. Despite everything, he did not want to hurt Loki. Not anymore.
“I understand,” he said finally. So this was it.
After a few minutes of sitting next to each other, Loki spoke and asked, ““What are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know,” admitted Anthony. “I don’t think I can be here anymore. I can’t… be here to see that.”
Loki raised his head and looked sharply at him with a frown. “Are you planning to leave Asgard?”
“Maybe? Probably? I don’t think it’s good for me to stay. I think I need space.”
Loki continued to frown, his eyes studying Anthony’s face carefully. “For how long?”
“I don’t know. Maybe a decade or two?” Loki’s eyes narrowed. “Why do you care so much? We haven’t spoken to each other for months, I thought you would be used to it.”
“I… I just thought I would still see you around. I thought that you might be in my life, on some level.”
“Norns Loki. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t marry someone else and expect me to stick around and be your friend. You might find it easy to forget about me but it’s bloody hard for me to do the same, especially when your family are always in the news or a common topic of conversation down in the taverns. I can’t just avoid you,” growled Anthony and he stood up from the bed. He looked back down at the prince who stared up at him with wide eyes. “Look. This hasn’t exactly gone how I hoped so I’m going to take what is left of my pride and go home.”
“Anthony, please-”
“I think I’ve embarrassed myself enough tonight. I understand you’ve made up your mind and whatever you feel for me-” Anthony’s voice cracked at the word ‘me’. “-isn’t going to change that.”
Loki had nothing to say. He continued to look confused, hurt, untethered. It was like someone had thrown a knife into the wheel of a carriage and set it off course, tumbling slowly down the side of a hill instead of the clear path it was meant to follow. Loki’s life had been laid out by his parents and Asgard before he was even old enough to realize it.
Anthony knew coming here was not the best idea but he would have been unable to live with himself if he had not said anything. Even though Loki had thrown it back in his face, Anthony had at least spoken the truth, his truth, and there was no one in the nine realms who would be able to take that away from him.
When no further words came from Loki, Anthony stood up and made his way toward the door. He turned back and looked at his former lover one last time. Loki was half seated, half standing. He looked so small. He didn’t resemble the regal prince at ceremonies. He looked truly devastated. It was not the tight composure he had when they decided to end their relationship. Anthony took in Loki’s hair and appearance, the softness of his skin, and the fondness in his green eyes. It would be the last time. He gave Loki a tight smile, a final goodbye, before he pulled the heavy wooden door open and stepped out of his life.
----
Anthony had held it together until he had walked home. Once he had stepped into his bedroom, he had collapsed onto his bed and broken down into large sobs. He struggled to catch his breath as he cried his heart out. He had no idea how long he had laid there and cried, only that after a while he felt exhausted and weighed down with a strong headache.
He eventually forced himself out of bed and into the bathroom to wash himself. He caught sight of himself in the mirror, his eyes bloodshot and face puffy with red and white spots. He looked like a mess. He looked heartbroken.
While Anthony had hoped for the best, he had also planned for the worst. He would need to enact his plan to leave Asgard. He had considered his options for a while and where he would likely be able to relocate and start a new life. There were many realms he was quick to cross off, however he remained partial to Midgard. He heard the planet had undergone a technology boom in the last century and he may be able to capitalize on that as an inventor. But he was reluctant to head there straight away. Anthony wanted to spend some time outside of the nine realms before establishing a new home. He wanted to travel for a period and take his mind off Asgard and most importantly, Loki.
Instead, he hoped to be able to barter a spot on one of the many space ships that traveled to Asgard from other far away parts of the universe. There were planets he had heard of during conversations in the taverns of Asgard that he knew very little about. Knowhere, Nova… There were many places he wanted to see first before he traveled to Midgard.
Anthony gingerly organized himself a bath while he remained lost in his thoughts, plotting out a new plan and life for himself. After a while, he heard the faint sound of footsteps in his bedroom. He paused and turned off the tap in order to listen more closely. The footsteps did not stop. Someone continued to move around his room. Who could it be? Anthony was in no mood for visitors today.
Anthony sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He glanced in the mirror and noted his face had gotten less blotchy and red as the time had passed. He walked over to the door and yanked it open, reading himself for an argument with his intruder. The last person he had expected to see was Loki standing there looking back at him.
“What are you doing here?” asked Anthony in shock.
Loki was not dressed in his royal outfit, but instead casual clothes, the type of clothing he wore when he wanted to be inconspicuous . Soft black linens tucked into a leather belt.
The prince looked nervous, his hand fidgeting at his side. He cleared his throat and answered, “You’re right.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to marry her. You’re right about that,” admitted Loki and looked away, his eyes dancing quickly around the room. His mouth pulled at the corner, shoulders tense. “I’m sorry I said those things. My mother… Frigga… found out about us and she warned me what could happen if Odin found out as well. You could be punished, exiled.. or worse. She told me the only way I could keep you safe was by pushing you away. That if you believed I no longer wanted to be with you, you would leave me alone, and by hurting you, you would be able to be safe and Odin would never be able to find out.”
Is this happening? Anthony wondered in a daze.
Loki continued. “But this is not what I want at all… I care for you. The thought of living a thousand years without you by my side feels like torture to me. I have regretted my decision every single day since you walked out of my life. I’m sorry Anthony, please tell me we still have a chance-”
Loki could not finish his sentence because Anthony had quickly crossed the room and pulled the taller Asgardian into a rough kiss. His hands grasped Loki’s face as he stood up on his toes in order to kiss him. Loki had made a sound of want and had kissed him back desperately, his hands dropping down to grip Anthony’s shirt tightly and pull him as close as possible. They kissed and kissed until Anthony felt out of breath.
It was happening. It was really happening.
Anthony laughed, breaking the kiss, looking back up at Loki with a smile on his face. Loki had smiled tentatively back, almost unbelieving that this had just happened and Anthony was back in his arms.
“I love you,” whispered Anthony.
“And I love you,” replied Loki and pulled him into another kiss. Kissing Loki again felt like coming home after a cold long day, the familar warmth which would chase away any aches.
But despite Anthony’s happiness, there was a larger question that needed to be asked.
“What are we going to do?” He was apprehensive about the answer.
Loki stepped back away from him and flicked his wrist, summoning a large bag from out of his pocket dimension. “Well, I’ve packed my things. I’m not sure where you are planning to go-”
“What are you saying?” interrupted Anthony, eyes wide.
Loki took a deep breath and appeared to be summoning some courage. “I want to be with you. We can leave tonight before the sun rises and go somewhere else. I’ve left a note in my quarters addressed to my mother, I’m sure the servants will pass it on tomorrow-”
“Are you okay with this?” he interrupted. “Being able to walk away from everything? I don’t want you to regret this because you can’t just change your mind.”
Loki looked at him, eyes fond. “Yes Anthony. I know what I will lose and the diplomatic rift this is going to cause, but I am still picking you. I don’t know if my mother will tell Odin the truth about us or whether Odin is going to believe I’m just trying to avoid getting married. I don’t care. We can deal with the consequences when they arise.” He had a smile on his face. “For my whole life, Odin has had a path laid out for me. No matter what I did, Thor was always the favorite son and preferred choice for the throne. I know it has taken me a while to accept this but I think I have now. Either way, I am not going to let him use me as a pawn anymore. I want to forge my own path in life.”
“Are you really sure you aren’t going to regret this?
Loki’s eyes were wide with excitement. “Maybe I’ll regret this but I don’t think I can live with myself for not taking a chance.”
Anthony smiled and reached out to tangle Loki’s fingers with his own. The Aesir’s hand was warm and soft in his. He nodded, encouraging Loki to continue speaking.
“I think if this is happening, the Norns must be finally looking out for me,” added Loki then paused, a contemplative look crossed his face. “How long will it take you to pack? Do you have a place you want to go?”
“It won’t take me long. I have some ideas. What do you think about Midgard? Maybe not straight away but I think it would be good ”
Loki raised his eyebrows. “Why Midgard?”
They quickly fell into a conversation as Anthony dislodged his hand from Loki’s and started to roam around the room, finding objects he wanted to take with him. They would spend a few hours tonight working out where they could go before the sun rose. And as for the rest of it? They’ll make it up as they go. Being together has always been easy for them, it was everything else in Asgard that made it hard.
Loki smiled at him fondly, as Anthony rummaged through his wardrobe, deciding what he wanted to bring and what could leave behind. Anthony caught his gaze and smiled back. He could not wait.
The End