Archive of Our Own

"Hey Joel." Ellie sidles up next to the older man as they walk, her steps invigorated with the physical need to tell the joke she's just dug out of the depths of the book she keeps squirreled away in her backpack. She's been saving it for a good time and Joel looks particularly grumpy today. Although that's really just the way his face is. "Joel." She hops in front of him and starts walking backwards with a grin splitting her face open. "Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?"

Joel rolls his eyes and lets out a long-suffering sigh. Even though he knows the answer to the joke, he gives her a look of confusion that would rival the best Bowie High School drama club, of which he had been very familiar with. “Why?” He huffs at her.

The way she snickers and giggles so much that she can barely get out the punchline is half the joy of the whole moment, until Ellie finally bursts out with: "Because the pee is silent!" And doubles over cackling with glee as they continue down the road.

“Jesus Christ.” Joel readjusts his pack on his back and turns his head to hide his own grin. “Your jokes are horrible.” He grumbles at her when he finally looks back at the laughing teenager.

"Then why are you laughing?" She shoots back, long since having learned what it means when Joel hides his face from her after she delivers a particularly groan-worthy punchline. "Ya old softie. Laughing at bad jokes."

“You’re an idiot.” Joel rolls his eyes again for good measure and is once again reminded of when he was accused of being a softie by someone else. Why he was on Joel’s mind, he couldn’t say. Maybe he was getting sentimental in his old age.

"You like it." There isn't an ounce of doubt in her voice, like she knows damn well that he would have gotten rid of her long ago if Joel didn't have some kind of attachment to her. It's probably true. Promise or otherwise, there are plenty of times he could have left her behind, but he hadn't. They walk a little longer before Ellie opens her mouth again, this time with a frown on her face. "It's gonna start getting dark soon," she observes, looking up into the sky. Normally this is the point at which Joel starts looking for someplace to make camp. "There was a sign for a hotel back there. Like a half mile ago, I think?"

“Yeah.” Joel frowns and nods up ahead. “Should be about half a mile up the road.” The crumbling, overgrown road isn’t a major highway, but it had been void of people and infected so he counted that as a blessing. “Looks to be a fancy place like you wanted to see.”

"Cool." Ellie swings her arms and takes a few steps faster than the last. "Maybe the beds won't all be disgusting. I'd kill to sleep on a mattress tonight instead of the ground."

Joel snorts. “Who the hell are you tellin’? My back is killing me.” There’s not a day that goes by that something doesn’t ache, but he just pushes through. Still, it’ll be good to get a good night's sleep.

“Old man.” Ellie snorts, although each time she says it it’s slightly fonder than the last. Like she’s finally accepting the fact that the old curmudgeon isn’t that bad.

“Fifty-six years old.” He grumbles, shaking his head again. Maybe the hotel would have some canned goods they could pilfer. Nothing like a giant can of green beans or corn to fill the kid’s stomach.

“Old old man.” Ellie corrects herself with a smirk. “Ancient-as-fuck old man.” The hotel that appears on the horizon as they walk is about a hundred years old from the look of it. Art Deco outsides far from the glory they once exuded and probably housing nothing but dilapidated shadows of a world long gone. Still, it’s standing. And it doesn’t have any holes missing from the look of it, so that’s better than a lot of places they’d been up until now. “Coooool!” Ellie crows, getting a good look at the sign as they walk. Once upon a time, the light-up marquee would have announced The Promenade loudly and proudly. Now it’s rusty, but at least it’s still standing.

“You know the drill, kid.” Joel cautions her as they draw closer. “We scope out the interior, look for food and then we’ll get set up with a place to sleep.” The wariness in the pit of his stomach is common every time they do this, but it makes him more cautious as he squints to survey the surroundings.

“I know.” She nods, having agreed long ago that what Joel said was law. Even if she pokes and prods at him sometimes, she’s learned that setting up camp isn’t a good time for teasing.

“Good.” He smirks slightly. “Maybe we can order room service.” He jokes, noticing a glint of metal on the top floor and he stares hard at it for a moment before he realizes it’s a piece of aluminum from the air conditioning units on the roof.

“Oh, sure.” That makes Ellie snort and roll her eyes. “A bacon cheeseburger and all the fries I can eat and an ice cream sundae.” Things she had really only read about in books or saw on signs as they traveled. What she would give for one of the roadside McDonald’s they found to actually be operational.

“Extra bacon.” Joel agrees, nodding. “With ketchup and hot sauce on the fries.” Too bad the kid couldn’t have actually had something like that. She would love it.

“Goddamn I want to try French fries.” Ellie grumbles, only to have Joel put out his hand to silence her a second later. He must have seen something inside. The large glass panels in the tops of the doors give you a decent view of the lobby from outside.

“Take your gun out.” Joel orders, pulling his own revolver out so he holds it in his hand as the pace slows. Approaching the doors quietly and listening as he looks through the dirty glass.

Ellie gulps, complying silently and falling in line behind Joel. He doesn’t like her to even touch the gun she carries unless absolutely necessary, so the time for teasing is definitely over. Inside the windows they can make out two figures. They’re not heavily armed from what Joel and Ellie can see, and they don’t seem to be aware of their fast-approaching visitors. Are they— dancing? “The hell?” Ellie breathes out, almost laughing when she realizes yes – that is just a couple of weirdo adults dancing inside that abandoned hotel lobby.

“Fucking hell.” Joel narrows his eyes and searches for any signs of it being an ambush. He’s seen weirder ploys to catch people off guard. “Don’t fucking speak.” He warns as he decides if it’s better to go inside or find somewhere else. Except there’s nowhere else for miles. The decision is made by the dark clouds off to the west and he sighs. “Okay?” He turns and looks at Ellie seriously.

Ellie nods, making the motion of zipping her lips shut and throwing away the key. The last thing she wants is to get shot. She’s not immune to that.

Joel sighs before he grabs the patinated handle of the heavy front door and yanks it open. “Quit moving, turn around.” He orders, quickly stepping through the door and leveling the gun at the man and woman in the lobby.

“Jesus fuck!” Dieter doesn’t mean to be so startled – it happens easily these days – but he does feel like an ass for dropping you when someone bursts through the front door of the hotel that hasn’t seen any other occupants in seven years. “Don’t shoot!”

 “Fuck—fuck!” You scramble to your feet, grabbing a pistol of your own off the nearby check in counter. “Who the fuck are you? What do you want?” The words are a demand as you put yourself between this newcomer and the man you’ve lived with for twenty-five years. Not a stitch of armor on you but it doesn’t matter. You’d take the bullet if it came to that.

“Are you alone?” Joel demands gruffly, his eyes darting between the two of you before he narrows his eyes and leans in. “D-Dieter!?” he spits out. “Is that you?”

The man behind you sticks his wary head out, always suspicious of anyone who recognizes him, especially twenty years after the world more or less ended. “Fucking—Joel?!” He chokes out, nearly shouting in your ear and pulling on your arm. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. He’s—he’s okay. Holy shit man.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, that is you.” Joel doesn’t know who the fuck you are, but he knows anyone with Dieter isn’t a threat to him. Holstering his gun, he shocks Ellie by rushing forward and grabbing Dieter to pull him into a bone crushing hug. He was probably the last person he had expected to find on the road to Wyoming but he’s glad to see him.

It’s debatable who is more confused - you or the teenager that has been trailing behind this Joel - and you and she find yourselves pointing your guns at each other for a moment while the two men embrace before you click the safety back into place. If this is the Joel that you’ve heard about, you’re safe. If it’s someone else, Dieter will explain. At least the kid has the decency to pull the door shut behind her after she lowers her own gun.

******

“Stupid faggot.” The words are accompanied by another punch to the stomach and gangly Dieter Black doubles over with a grunt of pain. The group of kids surrounding them weren't exactly coy in their dislike of anyone different from them and Dieter had become their latest target. Mike Robinson laughs and pushes Dieter back against the lockers, smug and leaning into his personal space as he gasps for breath. “What’re you gonna do, bitch boy?” He taunts. “Cry? Piss yourself?” He draws his fist back again, ready to break the queer’s nose when suddenly someone shoves through the crowd.

 “Fucking asshole!” Joel wasn’t as stocky as Robinson, but that was because he ate less McDonald’s and was on the baseball team. Fury twists his features, and he doesn’t hesitate to use all 5 '11” of his frame to shove the other boy away from Dieter. “Why don’t you fight me?” He challenges, bowing up slightly and using his broad frame to look bigger. “I’m not your size, but I’ll wipe the floor with your ass, pussy.” He spits.

“Gotta teach the fucking faggot a lesson!” Robinson barks, though his fist does lower slightly after scrabbling to his feet. Miller has a reputation for ending fights even if he wasn’t the one who started them.

Dieter slumps when Joel’s bulk comes into view, knowing that - for now at least - he’s safe. Miller has never said much beyond fending off the bullies, but Dieter is grateful. Offering to help the baseball star pass English out of gratitude for saving him from a few ass whippings.

“Gonna have to go through me, fat ass.” Joel scoffs, sending him a smirk that tells the kid he would like nothing more. Coach Johnson couldn’t risk Joel not playing in Friday’s game considering he had the highest batting average on the team and was currently on a hitting streak. Not this close to the championship. So this little incident would be swept under the rug. “What’s the matter? Pissed off that he wouldn’t kiss your shit smelling mouth?”

“As if I would ever fuckin—” Robinson sputters, looking to his goons for back up but they’re no help. They don’t want to get their asses kicked by Joel Miller anymore than he does. “Filthy fucking queer!” He spits, pounding his fist into the locker beside Dieter’s head so hard one of his knuckles makes a dent. It’s worth the pain for the way the little worm squirms and flinches. “C’mon boys,” he orders his cronies. “You’re lucky I’m feeling fuckin’ nice today, Black!”

Joel clenches his fists as he watches the bullies turn around and stride off like they are being benevolent. He doesn’t say anything, although he wants to. Only when they turn the corner does he glance over at Dieter. “You alright, man?” He asks gruffly, bending down to pick up the backpack that had been knocked out of his hands.

“Yeah.” Dieter sniffles, hiding his face from the other boy. It doesn’t help his case at all that the one person who keeps saving his ass is the one he’s always fantasizing about. “Yeah,” he mutters again and reaches for his backpack. “You don’t have to keep doing that, ya know.”

Joel looks over at Dieter and notices the fading remnants of a black eye and his jaw clenches slightly. “Yeah I do.” He lets go of the backpack and steps back.

“They’re gonna start thinking you’re my friend.” He protests, knowing that that wouldn’t be good for the athlete’s reputation. To be known friends with a drama geek loser who routinely gets beat up wouldn’t be good. Even Joel Miller couldn’t survive that for too long.

“Fuck ‘em.” Joel shrugs and rolls his eyes. “I can kick all their asses and if they keep fucking around, I will.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks around, the halls now deserted. “You headed to science or theatre?”

Dieter stares blankly, wondering how Joel knows his schedule, before he re-composes his face and stammers out “Th-theatre.” He shuffles his bag higher in his shoulder and glances down the empty hallway. “You?” He pretends not to know. That he doesn’t have his impossible crush’s schedule memorized. This is Joel’s free period, which means he’ll probably be going down to the gym.

“Free period.” Joel offers. “Plannin’ on going for a run out in the woods past the baseball fields.” He turns towards the theatre hall and starts walking. He gets three steps before he realizes that Dieter isn’t coming and turns back to look at him. “You comin’?”

“It’s the other way.” Dieter feels like an idiot, pointing his thumb in the direction of the locker room and the front entrance of the school where he would have to go out to go for a run. Theater classes are in the auditorium, which is the exact opposite direction. “You’re—you— you’re going the wrong way.” He stammers out, eyes down on the floor.

“Walkin’ you to class.” Joel tells him, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “So you don’t have to worry about those assholes.”

"Oh." He feels like a moron, and it probably shows on his face, but Dieter rushes to get in step with Joel. His pathetic little crush might be miles out of reach, but he's not stupid enough to turn down the opportunity to spend just two more minutes in Joel's shadow. "I—um...thanks."

“No problem.” Joel isn’t great with words and comes off sarcastic half the time and angry the other half, but he gives a huff that could be interpreted as a small sound of embarrassment. “They’re wrong.” He says after a minute and a hundred feet down the hall. “About you.”

Dieter's eyes flash up to Joel's face, and though both boys are the same height, Joel is built broader and stronger than Dieter is. He feels downright gangly next to the athlete. "No." He mutters, shaking his head. "They're not. That...that's the problem."

“What? Because you're gay?” Joel huffs, shaking his head. “That’s not true because I saw you making out with Tabitha Nuñez last month.”

"Except..." It makes his stomach twist, never having said any of this out loud to another person. He's read the words, or heard them said, but owning them himself is an entirely new experience. "I kind of am. I mean...you can like both, ya know? It's possible. So they're kind of...half right."

“So?” Joel’s stomach twists and he shrugs again. “Doesn’t mean they get to beat the shit out of you.” He growls, pissed off that they had been pounding on Dieter when it’s obvious that he doesn’t fight back. “He give you that black eye?”

"No." Bowing his head again to keep the eyesore out of sight, Dieter shuffles awkwardly along beside Joel. "That was my dad." The discovery of his magazine stash had been a rude awakening in the Black house. He's honestly just lucky that he didn't get kicked out before he left for school this morning.

“Fucker.” Joel hisses, shaking his head and he reaches out and slaps Dieter on the shoulder. Not too hard, so he doesn’t think he’s treating him like everyone else. “So come stay at my house tonight.” He offers. “Parents are away…again.”

Stopping dead in his tracks, Dieter feels slack and tense all at once, like he's going to shake apart out of confusion and...happiness? Is that what this feeling is? "Why are you being so nice to me?" He demands, his slight drawl making him sound more aggravated than curious. He just doesn't fucking understand it.

“Why shouldn’t I be?” Joel frowns, thoroughly confused at the anger in Dieter’s tone. “Would you rather I was an asshole to you?” Maybe he resented him helping, the idea makes Joel’s heart drop, but he doesn’t show it.

"I just don't see what's in it for you." Dieter had offered to help Joel pass English - the only class they had together - but Joel had never said yes or no. He had just huffed something noncommittal and headed for class when the bell rang. He's used to people wanting things from him - even if all they wanted him for was to be a punching bag. "I—I mean you're...you're literally one of the most popular kids in school and you don't have to spare me a second fucking look but you're always so fucking nice to me and I never see you be nice to anyone else. I don't get it."

Joel turns his head and just stares at Dieter, wondering if the other boy was just fucking with him or if he had really not understood. He guesses it’s not as obvious. “Really?” He asks, rolling his eyes. He glances at the bathroom signs and then around the deserted hallway before he grabs Dieter’s shoulder to shove him into the boy’s side.

Well that answers that, Dieter thinks as Joel pulls him into the cramped bathroom. He just wanted a target alone. It's shattering, the way Dieter can feel his own tender heart breaking as he braces to be beaten up by the one person he thought was on his side. It's better to just get it over with, he tells himself.

Joel is sweating bullets and he glances around the bathroom to make sure that there is no one around. Furtively glancing either way once more as he keeps Dieter up against the cream-colored tile before he lets him go. Swallowing harshly before he leans in, hoping he doesn’t lose his nerve before quickly pressing his lips to the other boy’s before leaning back just as fast. “There, happy?” He demands nervously, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans and looking anywhere but Dieter in case he had just fucked up.

"You—" One hand flies to his lips immediately, like he can't trust his own senses to tell him what just happened, and he knows that he's staring because he can barely breathe. "But you were dating Alison Harcourt all last year!"

“Yeah.” Joel nods and shoves his hands in his pockets. “I was. But what you said— you know, about both….” He shrugs defensively. “Whatever…you shouldn’t get the shit kicked out of you for it.” It’s a fucking risk and he’s almost about to throw up, thinking that he had read Dieter wrong. Just because he was…queer…didn’t mean he liked every boy. Joel knows that very well. Maybe he didn’t like him.

"I didn't know." Dieter murmurs, making sure he keeps his voice down so that no one passing in the hallway would know that there were people in this bathroom. The very last thing they need right now is to be discovered. He steps toward Joel cautiously, like he's approaching his mom's easily spooked dog, and touches his shoulder to make the older boy look up at him. "I won't tell anybody," he promises solemnly. "This is just between us."

Joel stares at Dieter for another minute before he nods. “O-okay.” He rasps out. “So—are you gonna come sleep over? Or no?” He had meant the offer. His parents were rarely home, to the point where he had practically raised his younger brother Tommy. If Dieter was getting hit at home, he could come crash with them.

"Yeah." Dieter bobbles his head awkwardly. His fingers grazed Joel's arm for just a second too long and now they're tingling. Maybe he's imagining it - he has a damn good imagination after all - but Joel feels warm to him. Warm and enticing. "Yeah. I'm gonna come sleep over."

“Okay.” Joel’s head also goes up and down. “Practice was canceled today, so we can leave after school.” He looks around again. “Come on. Mr. Mackie bitches when you’re late, right?”

"Yeah." He can't remember if he told Joel that or if it's just something that he knew, but Dieter grins, blushing a little that Joel has remembered little things like that. That Joel kissed him. Even if he could tell people, they would never believe him. "Mostly because they can't start without me," he boasts gently, puffing up his chest. "I'm the star for this show."

“I know.” Joel smirks at the pride in Dieter’s voice. “You’re gonna be a big movie star one day. I know it.”

******

"You're alive." Dieter finds himself getting misty-eyed with his arms around his former lover. It doesn't matter that it's been more than twenty years since he actually saw Joel face-to-face. "You're fucking alive." He pulls back to look Joel in the face, seeing those decades reflected back at him. "It's been a long fucking time."

“Me?” Joel shakes his head and pulls him in for another hug. “How the fuck did you survive this shit?” Joel had kept up with Dieter’s career, and celebrated his successes with quiet pride. Sarah had rolled her eyes at him and his willingness to own all of Dieter Bravo’s movies, never telling her that he had known him when he was Dieter Black.

"That's what happens when you do as many ‘shrooms as I did in college." Dieter puffs up with a laugh. "The fungi accepted me as one of their own and passed right on by. No more room in the ol' headspace for more to grow." He knows it sounds ridiculous, but it's a more fun theory than your explanation - which is that he was on a no-carb diet at the time of the outbreak to lose weight for a role.

“Hold on— you hug people?” Ellie is holding up her hand and shaking her head like she’s witnessed some sort of miracle. Joel rolls his eyes as he pulls back from Dieter, taking in all the changes that had occurred over the last thirty years, twenty really, since he had watched his movies.

 “So doing all those drugs saved your life, huh?” His eyes slide over to where you are standing, still confused and he points his chin towards you. “Who’s your guard dog?” He hadn’t missed the way Dieter had ducked behind you and figured he was still needing protection more than protecting anyone. He had filled out over the years, but Dieter had always been as non-confrontational as he could possibly be.

“Oh!” Entranced by seeing Joel again, Dieter had apparently forgotten there was anyone else in the room but now he waves for you to come over to him as he introduces you. “Baby, this is Joel.” He tells you excitedly. “Joel from Austin.”

 “Wait…this is Joel?” The name clicks into place with how happy Dieter is to see this man and the slight disbelief in his eyes. He looks almost nostalgic, which is unusual for a man who has admittedly burned a whole lot of memories away with drug use. “Well damn,” you murmur, mostly to yourself. Moving back to the check-in desk a few feet away, you pick up a device with the hand that isn’t holding a gun and hold it up so he can see that it’s a scanner. “Just a formality,” you insist, since you know Dieter won’t let you send these people away. Joel Miller was his first love.

 “Baby…” Dieter gives you a pout, asking you to put the scanner and gun down, before he looks back at Joel. “They told me not to marry my personal assistant but she takes such good fucking care of me.”

Huffing in amusement, Joel shakes his head. "You were never one to be told what to do." He drawls, remembering how obstinate Dieter could be, even if it was to his detriment. Him and Tommy accounted for half his gray hairs even back then. He tilts his neck to the side so you can press the scanner there and it clicks green but when you move towards Ellie, he grabs your arm. "Not the girl." He knows she won't pass.

That’s not a compromise you want to make, but Dieter brushes past it with absolute trust - something that is very rare for him. It took a year of working for him for him to actually trust you, for fuck’s sake. “Fine,” you eye the teen suspiciously. If push comes to shove, you can take out one brand-new clicker. You’ve done it plenty of times before now.

 “What the hell are you doing here?” Dieter wants to know. He’s waving everybody further into the belly of the hotel while you go to relock the front doors, because he had apparently not checked them well enough this morning.

"Me?" Joel scoffs, looking around the crumbling hotel and feeling completely out of place. "Headin' to Wyoming." He shoots Dieter a small shrug. "Tommy's there. Need to find him and drop her off." He nods towards Ellie. "This is a long ass way from L.A." He offers, wondering how the hell Dieter has lasted twenty years in an apocalyptic world. From what Joel had seen, he had become a very pampered actor, although it's good that you seem to care about him.

“We were shooting here.” He has no filter around Joel, the absolute truth spilling from his lips as easy as breathing. “Outbreak day, I mean. They were starting to evacuate some people but…” Dieter shrugs lamely, having made his peace with it years ago. “The studio locked us down here, told us to stay out for our own safety. And then when those FEDRA fuckers came through, we hid with a couple of other people. Fuck those assholes.”

"Here?" Joel looks around and admits that it would be a good place to hole up if you needed to. "How the fuck have you survived twenty years in a hotel?"

“It turns out the staff wasn’t so big on fresh food.” When you return to the group you move right to Dieter’s side. “Obviously we’ve had to hunt, but everybody in this area just tucked tail and went where FEDRA told them to, so we’ve had a lot of abandoned resources to survive on.” It's dwindled, obviously, and it’s next to nothing now, but you’re not about to tell them that.

Joel nods, understanding now and even with it being the two of you, over the years the supplies would have been worn down. He glances towards the doors and sighs. "Well, will you let us stay tonight?" He asks, not sure if you two are willing to share your safe space. It's obviously free of infected. "We'll move on in the morning."

Dieter opens his mouth to say of course! But you put a hand on his arm before he can do more than form the first word. “Your kid’s okay?” He wouldn’t let you scan her so you have to assume that something is wrong.

"She's fine." Joel spits out defensively, shuffling slightly so he can be a human shield between you and the girl. No wonder Dieter survived; you weren't as trusting as his former boyfriend. You were smarter than that.

“If he says she’s okay, then she’s okay.” Your husband looks up at you with his best puppy dog eyes and you sigh inwardly. That expression is how he keeps you wrapped around his finger and he knows it. That, and the third fucking leg he somehow manages to hide in the lounge pants he wears every single day.

 “Okay.” You nod your head, squeezing Dieter’s shoulder before you look back to the new arrivals. “Stay the night. There’s plenty of places to sleep. We’ve kept the fourth floor for living space.”

"Have you had many people come through here?" Joel asks, glancing around again. He wonders who else is here or has been here. Despite knowing Dieter, he wonders if it's just the two of you.

“There were some groups moving through a few years ago.” Dieter waves at the sofa across from where he’s standing and flops back on a chaise lounge like an exhausted Roman emperor, pulling you down beside him. “The people who stayed behind with us either left or died. A couple got infected.” He shudders at that. It had been as traumatic as anything he could remember, to see his friends turn to literal monsters. “But mostly it’s just been us, the gramophone, and a hell of a lot of books.”

 "Never thought I would see you settle down." Joel admits, smirking slightly at the position that Dieter has thrown himself into. At least the affection between the two of you seems genuine. "It only took the fucking end of the world."

 Ellie has been staring at Dieter and her face lights up. "I know you! You're an actor! You were in that movie...what the hell is the name of it?" She snaps her fingers, biting her lip as she tries to figure out what it was. "It's one of the few we had in the FEDRA school." She looks over at Joel. "How the fuck do you know him?"

Dieter grimaces at the idea that FEDRA is using his movies as propaganda, but he looks at Joel curiously. Why the hell was his kid in a FEDRA school? “Your dad and I grew up together,” he explains, not knowing how much she might know about the man Joel used to be. “Way back when.”

"I'm not her dad." Joel says at the same time Ellie goes, "He's not my dad."

 The two of them look at each other and then Ellie's eyes widen. "Wait! You knew Joel when he was young. Has he always been an asshole?" She demands, grinning at Joel before she looks at Dieter expectantly.

“Kind of.” Dieter laughs, enjoying the scowl on his ex-boyfriend’s face. “He’s always had resting asshole face. Never started fights but always ended them, ya know? Nobody fucked with Joel back then.” Except him - but that was a fully different meaning of the word.

Joel's brow lifts, watching you try to keep your expression neutral because it's obvious you know the complete nature of his and Dieter's relationship back in high school. That the two of them had been together and explored sexually before Dieter had left for college and never come back. It's interesting that Dee ended up with a woman, like he had. Despite all the rumors of fucking anyone who would let him, Dieter still managed to bag gorgeous women and it seems that the Outbreak hadn't changed that.

“So you guys are headed to Wyoming?” Even with Dieter curled around you like a man-shaped blanket, you somehow manage to maintain your composure in the face of his ex.

Joel nods, his fingers twitching when he sees Dieter’s hands start to drift from the socially acceptable areas of a partner’s body in front of guests. “Yeah.” He clears his throat, suddenly thinking about the times that he and Dieter would fantasize together.

Dieter smirks, obviously doing it on purpose to see if he can get a rise out of Joel decades later, and lets his hand span the inside of your thigh with glee. "To find Tommy?" He prompts.

His eyes are on the way that Dieter is gripping your thigh, blanking out for a moment before he comes to. "Huh? Oh...yeah." Joel grunts out, trying to ignore the way that his cock twitches. "To find Tommy." He nods, trying not to let Dieter get to him. It wasn't like he had forgotten everything they had done together and talked about doing together.

"I'm surprised you let him out of your sight." The smirk on the younger man's face grows and he drops a kiss on your shoulder. You're just letting the conversation roll along, seemingly unbothered by Dieter's roaming hands. Presumably, you're very used to it. "Tommy was in my class." He explains to you. "Joel was very protective back then."

"He— he's my brother." Lucky for Joel, Ellie has lost interest in the catching up happening between him and Dieter and has started exploring the hotel. "Of course I was protective." He doesn't mention that he had protected Dieter just as vehemently.

"Mmhmm." Your hand catches Dieter's before it can go as far as cupping your cunt right in front of his ex, but you just shake your head. Unbothered and maybe vaguely amused is how your expression reads. "Dee hasn't had an audience in a while," you explain vaguely, throwing your husband an indulgent smile. "Clearly he's glad to see you."

Joel shuffles slightly and clears his throat, unsure of what his ex might have shared with you about that time. "I don't know about that." He grunts. "Been a long time."

"Joel." Dieter aims that deadly pout at the older man now, just the same way he had learned to aim it at you. "She knoooooows. You think I didn't tell me wife about the first cock I ever sucked?"

Joel’s eyes widen and he quickly twists his head around and makes sure that Ellie hadn't decided to be nosy. Not that he gave a fuck about people knowing that side of him, but she would be annoying as fuck with all the questions. When he sees that she's messing behind the front counter, pretending she's checking people into rooms, he looks back at the two of you. "So did you get married before the Outbreak or...?" He tries not to think about how good Dieter had gotten at sucking his cock since it's been a long fucking time from the last blow job he's gotten until now.

"You're making the poor guy nervous, babe." He did that sometimes, usually unintentionally, but it had been a long time since anyone else had even been physically near you to make nervous. Turning your head, you press a kiss to Dieter's cheek and ruffle his hair affectionately. "I'll go find the kid something to eat and get her settled? Give you boys some time to catch up."

 "Mm, you're the fuckin' best." Dieter hums, giving your ass a squeeze before you walk off in the direction of the front desk to get the teenager's attention. "I, uh—" He had forgotten what Joel asked, but the thought snaps back quickly once he's done staring at your ass. "Yeah, we...we got married like...a couple of months before the Outbreak. We just did a little thing in our backyard in Malibu." He shrugs, though his smile is a little lopsided remembering the soft, white sundress you'd worn that day and how gorgeous you looked under all the twinkle lights strung through every tree that night. "Didn't want fuckin paps everywhere, ya know?"

"You always did kind of like nature." The smug comment falls off his tongue before he can stop it. Something very different from a backyard in Malibu.

******

Dieter grunts as he pushes Joel against the broad tree-trunk, one hand on the older boy's chest to hold him in place as they exchange a ferocious kiss. It's been a week since they got any time alone together and they're ravenous for contact at this point. His other hand is everywhere - touching, grasping, groping, unsettled and needy and frazzled with want.

"Dee, fuck." Joel's groan doesn't go far in the thick copse of trees, deep inside and past the old abandoned barn that had been reclaimed by nature. "You always get so fuck-ing eager when I defend you." His own fingers sink into Dieter's hair and twists around the curls, pulling as he drags the other's boy's lips back to his. Groaning again when he cups his cock through the thin basketball shorts he had been wearing when he had slipped out of the gym to meet Dieter in the woods.

"It's sexy." The explanation is honest, at least, and Dieter grins again when he feels Joel's dick twitch and harden a little more in his palm. "My big, scary protector," he croons. He's not even exaggerating.

"Start-starting to think you— you taunt them." Joel knows Dieter doesn't, but it's cute to see the pout flash across his boyfriend's face. "Shit." He hisses when Dieter's exceptionally nimble fingers slide up his shorts to wrap around his cock. "Keep it up." He growls in warning. It's been a fucking week since he's fucked Dieter since his parents actually decided to come home, although they are leaving again this afternoon. He's got a major case of blue balls and his fucking boyfriend is teasing him.

"I've been up." Dieter retorts, taking Joel's hand and pressing it against the front of his jeans. Over the course of their extremely secret relationship, he's had to get very creative with how to hide his hard-ons so he doesn't sport noticeable wood whenever Joel is around.

"Shit." He hisses, squeezing Dieter's cock and groaning when the other boy starts to massage his cock. "Come over tonight." He begs quietly. "I want—I want to fuck you." Tommy is aware of the relationship, but he doesn't give a damn and he doesn't say a word about it. Everyone else in town just thought that Joel protected Dieter because they were friends.

"Your parents leaving?" Mouthing at Joel's neck, Dieter is careful to never leave a mark behind but always uses enough pressure to make his boyfriend squirm. Stroking his cock at the same time - like he's doing now - is usually a recipe for breaking Joel's composure pretty quickly.

"Yeah." Joel's parents think that Joel has just adopted another kid to look after but even if they weren't leaving, he would want Dieter to come over. "You—if they didn't, we could be quiet." It would have to be Dieter that was quiet because he got loud when he was getting fucked. "Shit baby."

"I bet I could get you to scream now." Dieter's eyes flash mischievously. He nips at the sensitive skin of Joel's throat and gives his cock one more stroke before dropping to his knees in the patch of grass around the tree Joel is pressed against. "Don't have to be quiet in the woods."

"Oh fuck." Joel's eyes widen and he glances around just because of how exposed they are. "Baby, you don't—" He doesn't want to say yes because he doesn't want Dieter to feel like he owes him for saving him from another beating but he doesn't stop him when he reaches for the elastic band of his shorts and starts to pull them down. "Are you really going to suck my dick in the woods?" He asks breathlessly.

The wolfish grin on Dieter's face is the only answer he gives, right before diving in and taking Joel's fully hard cock in his mouth. He winks up at him from his knees before readjusting his hand around the base of Joel's shaft, making sure that he doesn't leave a single inch of that gorgeous dick untouched before he starts to bob back and forth like he had taught himself from untold hours of porn.

"Shiiiiiiiit." Joel doesn't even feel it when he bangs his head back against the tree. The wet heat of Dieter's mouth is fucking amazing and his eyes squish shut. "Oh fuck." One hand is curled into a fist and the other reaches down and tangles into Dieter's hair again. "So fucking good. Suck dick like a fucking vacuum."

A pleased, almost preening sound bubbles out of Dieter, basking in Joel's praise, and vibrates around his cock as he works the length over and over again. The hand in his hair only spurs him on, gauging how much pleasure Joel is getting from how tight he's tugging his hair. Dieter is an observant little shit if nothing else, and he had zeroed in on Joel's tells quickly as their physical relationship grew. This time will be fast and furious, judging from the way Joel's fingers are digging into his scalp.

It's almost natural how quickly his hips start to rock forward, looking down and watching his dick disappear into Dieter's mouth. Watching his lips stretch out around him. "Fuck, I'm gonna cum, Dee." He warns him. "Swallow it." He pants out. "Every fucking drop." There have been plenty of times where they had spit out cum, but he wants him to swallow him down today. Wanting him to taste his essence for the rest of the day.

He'll take the order gladly, moving the hand that's gripping Joel's hip to his balls to add to the pleasure and bring him over the edge. Joel Miller is a fucking gorgeous sight when he cums and Dieter keeps his eyes glued to his face so he doesn't miss a second of it.

It only takes a quick squeeze of his balls and the feeling of Dieter's throat closing around the head of his cock and Joel groans out his name. Throbbing on his boyfriend's tongue as ropes of cum spill down his throat in an intense rush that seems to get better every fucking time.

Dieter has instructions and he follows them to the letter, swallowing down every last drop including the ones he has to lick off the corners of his mouth before they escape and dribble down his chin. Joel looks absolutely wrecked and it makes him proud to know that he did that. He is the reason that the hottest, brooding-est athlete in school is panting in pleasure. It's his name that Joel Miller says when he cums. "Feel better, baby?"

"Stand the fuck up." Joel growls, grabbing Dieter's arm and dragging him up off the floor of the woods. Kissing him desperately despite the lingering remnant of his own spend on his boyfriend's tongue. He doesn't care. Shuffling to turn him around and push him up against the same tree he had just cum in front of, Joel breaks the kiss to take Dieter's place on his knees.

The needy whimper that spills out of Dieter's mouth when Joel drops to his knees echoes in the trees and he braces himself as best he can against the one at his back. "Y-you don't...ha-have to," he shudders watching Joel tug open the buttons on his jeans. "Fuck baby."

Joel huffs, rolling his eyes up at Dieter as he yanks the boy's pants down and smirks when he doesn't find any underwear. "You think I'm going to leave you hanging?" He demands, reaching out and wrapping his hand around Dieter's throbbing cock. Leaning in and taking him into his mouth with the same eagerness that he had been sucked off.

"Know you w—wouldn't." Dieter gasps out, shuddering as Joel's hot mouth closes around his length. If he believed in God ever, he'd be thanking Him incessantly for making Joel Miller bisexual. He groans deep in his chest and twines his fingers through Joel's short hair. "Fuuuck."

Humming around the cock in his mouth, Joel starts to jerk the base quickly. Also having learned exactly what does it for Dieter, and he hollows his cheeks around him. It will be fast and dirty; it always is when Joel blows him. It's like he still hasn't gotten used to the fact that the boy he has such a crush on would suck his dick.

"Shit, shit, shit!" One hand grasps the tree trunk behind him to steady himself but Dieter's other hand cards through Joel's hair. He doesn't like it as rough as Dieter does so he's careful not to pull too hard. "You're so fucking good at that, fuck."

Joel looks up at him, bobbing his head frantically as he swallows around him. Wanting him to fall apart and cum for him. He's gorgeous when he cums, shakily panting Joel's name as he does.

It never takes Dieter long when they're like this. The danger of potential discovery is almost as much of a turn on as the person on his knees, and Dieter's stamina can never stand up against Joel's determination to make him practically implode with desire. Mere minutes is all it takes before Dieter is gasping out his name in choked breaths. "Joel, f—fuuuck Joel, I'm gonna cum, baby, fuck, fuck, Joel!"

The first time Dieter had cum in Joel's mouth, he had nearly gagged. Sputtering from the force of the spurts hitting his tonsils, but now he's swallowing him down just like he had told Dieter to. Holding onto his hips and pulling him closer as his boyfriend bucks into his mouth and shouts his name.

Dieter crumples against the tree, eyes wide to watch Joel in awe, and pants for breath as the last rope of his cum hits his boyfriend's tongue with force. He's watched enough porn to know that he cums hard, but Joel doesn't complain about it. Sometimes he teases, but it's never mean. "H-holy shit," he huffs out, fingers instantly soothing through Joel's hair because he knows he pulled way too hard when he came.

Joel hums, swallowing the last drops before he surges to his feet and kisses him one last time. "We— we need to get back." He pants quietly. "You comin' over tonight?"

"Yeah." One more kiss, because Dieter can't help himself, and he shifts his jeans back up his legs to button them carefully. "I'll come over as soon as I can." Both boys know that that means as soon as Dad is drunk but neither of them say it. There's no use in holding the black cloud over time they get to spend together.

"Yeah." Joel nods, frowning slightly and shaking his head. "Just pack up for the weekend," he suggests.

"Okay." Dieter murmurs, nodding slightly. He grasps on for one more kiss before fixing a bit of Joel's hair that he tugged out of place. "Go. They're gonna notice you're gone if you stay longer."

Joel pulls his shorts up and nods. "I'll see you later, okay?" He swallows and tosses Dieter a grin before he turns and starts to make his way out of the woods to go work out for gym class.

******

"Can't believe you're actually fuckin' here." Dieter mutters, shaking his head at Joel. "I mean I'm not surprised you were stubborn enough to survive, but...fuck, ya know?" He huffs at how inarticulate he is for a man who used to make his living at spoken words. "Tell me about shit. You, Tommy, your life, whatever. What was..." he searches his spotty memory, barely coming up with kernels of information. "Amber, right?" The last time the two men had seen each other in any meaningful way was when Joel's wife was pregnant. But considering he has a kid with him that isn't his and is too young to be that kid anyway, Dieter isn't exactly sure what happened.

Joel's eyes slide away from Dieter's, not because he had been ashamed of his relationship with Amber. Both men had moved on from their relationship. "Yeah." He huffs quietly. "She— she left, a few months after Sarah, our daughter, was born." He tells Dieter, looking down at his watch like he always does when he thinks of her.

“Shit…” The word drags out awkwardly as Dieter rubs at the back of his neck and tries not to cringe. “I’m sorry, man. That’s bullshit. You guys seemed so happy…”

"Well..." Joel shrugs. "She wasn't happy being a mother after all, I guess." He hadn't thought about Amber in years, but it still hurts that she had abandoned him with a three-month-old baby. It had been a learning curve to be a single parent. Only his time raising his brother had helped.

“I’m sorry.” Dieter says again, slipping off the chaise he was sitting on to come sit next to Joel. He’s rarely seen a version of this man that was hurting, so it’s not something he really knows how to process. He just knows that Joel used to like having him close, so he gravitates that way. “I didn’t mean to— I mean…you know,” he mumbles incoherently.

“You didn’t know.” Joel knows he would never willingly cause him any pain. Not even when he had moved on.

Dieter bites his lip, not wanting to ask about Joel’s daughter since he had already asked one dumb question already. “So Tommy’s in Wyoming?” He settles on, hoping it isn’t a sore subject as well. He wants to sit and catch up with Joel, he’s just shit at small talk.

“Yeah.” He rolls his eyes and sighs. “Dumbass joined the Fireflies.” He huffs. “So he went out west and I had stayed in Boston.” He knows that Dieter wants to ask so he swallows. “Sarah…my daughter.” His voice is low enough that only Dieter can hear. “She died on Outbreak day.”

“Jesus.” Instinctively, Dieter reaches out and covers Joel’s hand with his, squeezing gently. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Well, you remember when my birthday is, right?” He asks, turning his hand and not letting the other man’s hand go. Nearly thirty years later, the touch of him still soothes.

“Oh shit.” It clicks in his mind instantly and he clutches Joel’s hand that much tighter. “She…Jesus Christ,” he huffs. “I woulda thrown myself off a goddamn bridge. I don’t know how you’re still standing.”

“It wasn’t for lack of trying the first few years.” Joel admits. “I sort of shut down.” Tommy was the only reason he had stuck around.

“Don’t blame you.” The sigh that Dieter blows out is audible and he points a thumb over his shoulder. “She’s pulled me back from the edge so many times I think she might’ve gone a little crazy herself.” His eyes cut back to Joel, though, and to their hands. “Kinda like you, back then.”

“You’re worth it.” Joel chuckles, remembering how Dieter had always kind of needed an emotional support person. It’s how he thrived.

Dieter’s habitual lopsided, lazy smile returns to his face slowly and he eyes Joel curiously. “Stay more than a night.” He asks, wondering what else has been going on in Joel’s life these past endless years. Dieter is a sentimental bastard, always has been, and nostalgic when he feels like it. “We don’t have much left, but…you don’t need to run off.”

“I—” Joel swallows and looks around. “You can’t stay here. Not without food. Even as safe as it is.”

“Something always turns up.” It’s sweet that Joel still worries, the instinct to protect Dieter apparently not having waned. “There’s a lake nearby. We fish a lot, and get some birds that way.” Like he said - it’s not a lot. But it’s enough for two.

It isn’t Joel’s place to try to make decisions for you and Dieter, but he makes his own decision to not take anything from the two of you. He won't accept any supplies if offered. He nods and looks around again. “It’s a nice place to have to spend the end of the world.” He flashes a grin. “Too bad the hot water doesn’t work.”

“You get used to filling up the industrial sink with heated water if you want a hot bath.” Dieter shrugs. His pampered lifestyle didn’t translate to the apocalypse, obviously.

“Better than freezing your ass off in a river.” Joel acknowledges, smirking at the howling Dieter would make, being cold. He had never liked cold water.

“Stay a little.” Dieter asks again, the insistence in his voice nearly a whine. “Just a little.” He huffs at himself, looking down at Joel’s hand in his. “A couple of days?”

“Your wife may not like that.” Joel prompts him gently. Just because he has a history with Dieter doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what he’s done before settling down. He won’t make poor decisions for his former lover. “You might want to ask her.”

“What makes you think I would marry a square?” It makes him laugh, more than he expected, and Dieter rolls his eyes affectionately at Joel. “If she says yes, you stay.”

“Okay.” He agrees with a small nod. “If she agrees, I’ll stay.”

******

“You two been on the road for long?” You’ve covered the basics with this kid - Ellie - and basically only managed to find out that she’s a 14-year-old bag of snarky comments, but it’s oddly reassuring that teenagers haven’t changed just because the world ended. In the big industrial kitchen there’s some water for her to drink, and she took up the offer understandably eagerly.

Ellie shrugs slightly. “Couple of months.” She tells you after she gulps down the last swallow of water. “We’ve walked a lot of miles.” She tells you. “His boots are wearing out.”

“How about yours?” You pour her another glass, knowing that you can get more from the lake. “They must be getting pretty worn, too? Clothes, too.”

“It happens.” She hasn’t wanted to complain but it’s getting harder. Especially when she’s run through all the tampons and the last time she had just stuffed her panties with an old shirt.

“There’s stuff here.” Nudging the refilled glass back across the table to her, you offer the kid as kind a smile as you can muster. “Everybody that was staying here, they left stuff behind. So there’s lots to pick from.”

“That would be cool.” She nods and takes the glass back again. “I like some of the stuff they wore back then.”

“Yeah?” That makes you almost laugh and tilt your head at her. “What stuff? I might know what room to send you to, to find it.”

“I don’t know how to describe it.” Ellie rolls her eyes. “Not like we have fashion week at FEDRA schools.” She looks around to make sure Joel isn’t close by. “You don’t have period shit, do you?” She asks furtively.

“Some.” You nod, trying to remember the exact inventory of pads you have in the closet upstairs. The nearest convenience stores, pharmacies, and even grocery store loot had all been piled into this hotel when there was just a small group of survivors, but thankfully there had only been two menstruating people in that group. “Do you need it now?” If she did, she probably needed clean clothes desperately, and wouldn’t hate a bath. You could heat some water for her to ease the pain.

“I ended yesterday.” Ellie rolls her eyes. It’s hard trying to hide that from Joel and especially hard when traveling out in the wilderness. The conversation about animals smelling her menstrual blood had been one filled with stuttered speech on Joel’s part and mortification on Ellie’s.

“I’ll pack some up for you.” What little you have left can be shared. She’s out in the wild and might not come across more…but you’re at least in a place where you can wash your rags each month. “I can’t imagine he’s remembering to check for supplies like that when you get a chance to rummage through places.”

“I’m normally on the lookout for that kind of thing.” Ellie snorts, imagining Joel buying tampons before the outbreak. He would be so fucking uncomfortable with it. Just like he was anytime she started complaining about cramps.

“I’ll scrounge up what I can for you.” Being a teenager out in the wilderness can’t be easy - even with access to tampons or pads. “I wish I had some pain killers or something to send you out with, but not getting FEDRA out here means our supplies dried up quickly.”

“Doesn’t hurt too bad.” Ellie shrugs. “Not like getting stabbed. That hurts like a motherfucker.”

“Yeah.” The abruptness of the observation makes you laugh, and you almost miss seeing Dieter amble toward through the kitchen doorway. “Yeah. Getting stabbed fucking sucks.”

“Who’s getting stabbed?” Dieter asks, brows raised and a goofy grin on his face as he makes his way to your side.

"It's a uterus thing." You assure him, happy as always to have your husband attach himself to your side. "I'm going to pack up some supplies for Ellie and get her new clothes, all that kind of stuff. There's enough to share upstairs."

“They are going to stay a couple of days.” Dieter announces, grinning at you like he’s won the lottery. “As long as you’re okay with it. Joel insisted.” He rolls his eyes as if it was never a question.

"Yeah. That's okay with me." It's not like you hadn't expected it, once you realized who Joel was to Dieter. While he's not exactly nostalgic for the entire way the world used to be, he's always talked about this particular ex with fondness. And while maybe it would have been weird twenty years ago, the world has changed. The fact is, you have resources and a roof, and they could use the help. "I'll go down and check the traps and do some fishing? Or we could all go, depending on how badly Joel and Ellie need to rest."

“I want to go!” Ellie immediately volunteers, always eager to see and do new things. There’s something going on with Joel and she figures she needs to give him some space to decide. These people have to be alright if Joel’s considering staying for a few days.

"That's the most excited I've ever seen a teenager get about fishing," you laugh, nodding to Ellie. "Alright, at the very least I'll take Ellie down to the lake and we can rustle up some dinner." What you have stored is best fleshed out with a catch of the day, and that's just fine.

“Cool.” Ellie grins, practically bouncing on her toes as Joel strides into the kitchen.

 “What’s cool?”

"As long as it's okay with you, I thought I would take Ellie down to the lake to do some fishing." He seems the protective sort, something you knew to be true from Dieter's stories but is very obvious upon meeting him. "Just down to the lake. Very safe. If you wanted to look out the south windows of the hotel or sit on the back porch, you could see us easily enough."

Joel frowns and looks between the hopeful face of Ellie and the two other adults. He sees the trust that Dieter places in you and his shoulders relax slightly. “You keep your gun on you, you hear me?” He tells Ellie seriously. “Keep your eyes open too and don’t fall in the goddamn water.” He looks over at you. “She can’t swim.”

"Understood." You nod, understanding that he takes whatever guardianship he has of this girl very seriously. "If it will make you feel better, we can all go? There's enough reels. This place has a little boathouse filled up with equipment and kayaks from letting guests go out on the lake way back when."

“Shit.” Dieter chuckles. “When was the last time you went fishing, Joel?” He asks, smirking. There had been plenty of times when they were teens, but they funnily enough never caught anything.

 Joel huffs and rolls his eyes. “Fine. We can all go.” He grumbles. “Wish there was beer though.” He jokes dryly.

Dieter opens his mouth excitedly only to have you point a finger at him knowingly. "You are not letting your friend touch that bathtub shit we made. It's bad enough we drink it. Joel doesn't need to be going blind from homemade moonshine."

“Moonshine.” Joel looks between the two of you and his eyes widen slightly. “I’m willing to risk it.”

"We're living in an art deco hotel, baby," Dieter reminds you, waggling his eyebrows at Joel's enthusiastic response. "If we didn't make bathtub booze it would be a sin against dramatic irony." All you can do is shake your head at them to keep from showing your amusement, otherwise Dieter will know he's won all too easily. "I'm pretty sure it has as much to do with irony as an Alanis Morrissette song, but...fine. You're both big boys. You can make your own decisions."

Joel waves his hand in front of your face. “You aren’t blind yet.” He reasons. “Has to be kinda decent.” He scoffs. “Remember that shit we used to drink? That was bad.”

"It's not far off," Dieter snorts, amusement lacing the creases in his face which are usually reserved for care or worry. "Still, I don't recommend we drink on the water." It's too out in the open, and drowning is a real concern, although you have no intention of letting the kid drink any. "We'll have some tonight?"

“Sounds good.” Joel can understand and appreciate the caution. He looks over at Ellie and nods at her. “Ready to go fishing, kiddo?”

"Hell yeah." Ellie pops up from the stool she was sitting on, excited to try something completely new.

 "This way." You nod to the opposite direction that everyone came in, ready to take them through the backdoor of the kitchen and out into the remaining afternoon light. It's actually pretty out here if you ignore the highway off in the distance, and that's not hard to do with twenty years of overgrowth and a grove of trees that cropped up around the back of the hotel property. It's chilly out but not too cold yet and you're reasonably optimistic that you can catch something to eat tonight. Tomorrow you'll stay out here for longer, catching whatever you can and stocking up for a few days of visitors.

“How do you keep warm in the hotel?” Joel asks, frowning slightly. “Are there fireplaces in the rooms?”

"Some of them." When you get outside, you turn around and point to the top of the hotel. From the back, several small chimneys are visible that are hidden by the architecture and signage of the front. "That's why we turned the fourth floor into our living space. Those are the suites that have working fireplaces. The other rooms had them filled in or they weren't there at all. It seems like they were an incentive to get a suite instead of a regular room."

“Makes sense.” Joel nods and has to admit that it seems like you have a very nice set up. Too bad you didn’t have any long-term setups like a garden or animals. “I like the fact you have a lake to fish in and gather water.”

"If we knew anything about raising animals it would be better than fishing and setting traps for rabbits or squirrels." You stifle a laugh when Dieter makes a face about squirrel meat and let him take the lead when it comes to the tour.

"Garden is that way," he says, pointing to the eastern side of the building. "Traps are around the tree line. There's a river that comes through the woods to feed the lake, and there's mushrooms for foraging." He flashes Joel a cackling grin. "I know, not something most people want to eat these days. but like I said. They made me one of their own."

Joel huffs out a chuckle and shakes his head. Only Dieter could make a joke like that work. “I get it.” He rolls his eyes and looks over at where Ellie is staring at him like he’s grown a second head.

"Don't worry about it," you advise, nudging Ellie a little and smiling at your husband's ridiculous joke. "The point is, we do okay for food. It's not exactly a farm or anything, but there are a lot worse places we could have gotten stuck."

“All you need is a pen for animals.” Joel murmurs, looking out over the water and the low hanging sun. “It seems like very few infected come through here?”

"Sometimes wanderers come through. Ones that get separated from the hive. Or travelers passing through the area." Dieter grins again, but he shrugs this time. "You'd be surprised how many people still get star struck when they recognize me. Usually better than a gun for getting people to back off."

“I still can’t believe you know Dieter Fucking Bravo!” Ellie crows, shaking her head in amazement. “Like— how?”

"I have to ask," you look over at Ellie on your other side and tilt your head curiously. "How do you even know who he is? You were born after the Outbreak."

“FEDRA school I was at had his movies.” She shrugs like it was simple. “We were allowed to watch them sometimes. Apparently the dean was a big fan or some shit.”

"So you've seen more of my movies than I have." Dieter observes, unhooking the sunglasses from the front of his worn t-shirt and sliding them on his face with pride. "Never watch your own shit, kid. Not that they make movies anymore. But like...in life."

“Is it true you’ve done porn?” Ellie asks, tilting her head at Dieter. “There’s a rumor that the dean would give anything to have a sex movie of you.”

 “Ellie!” Joel hisses, mortified at the question and the manners of his charge.

"Nah." The question barely phases Dieter and he brushes it away like she had asked him if he preferred hamburgers or hotdogs. He does get a kick out of Joel's shock, though, considering he was the first other person whoever made him cum. "Not that got leaked anyway," he jokes to Ellie, looking at her from over his sunglasses. "Only people seeing my junk are gonna be the ones I choose specifically." Granted that list is extremely long, but he had still made the decision each time.

“Obviously a wise policy.” Ellie intones seriously, glancing at Joel. “How do you know each other?” She demands, finding it completely cool that she’s met someone she saw on the shitty projector at school. It’s surreal and intriguing how the biggest asshole she knows seems to be on friendly terms with him.

"We went to school together." Dieter knocks into Joel's shoulder by accident as he tries to walk backward to face Ellie and play tour guide and grin at the sun all at once. "Middle and high school. Worst years of my fuckin' life if not for this asshole." His grin turns to Joel full force, and he hears you stifle a giggle, knowing he doesn't mean asshole in the least.

“Did he get all gruff and puff up at you?” Ellie squares her shoulder and holds her arms out to make herself appear broader as she gives an exaggerated ‘Joel’ expression. “You’re a pain in my goddamn ass, you know that?” She huffs out gruffly, mimicking Joel. “Stop talking. Go to sleep.” She cackles at her own impression and shoots Joel a grin, knowing he won’t do anything but roll his eyes and huff under his breath.

"Sort of." The lopsided expression on Dieter's face is soft when he turns his head to look at Joel. "More like...You're a pain in my goddamn ass. Don't be such an idiot. Help me finish my homework." His imitation of Joel is more like an imitation of Ellie's imitation, making it all the more ridiculous and worth laughing about.

“You were being an idiot.” Joel insists, rolling his eyes even though he can’t quite stop the grin that slips through his serious facade. “And you were better at the English shit. You had to help me so we could do other things.”

"Other things?" Ellie waggles her eyebrows the way she had seen Dieter do, thinking it was hilarious even the first time he did it. "Joel, were you bad?" The question is nothing short of gleeful, like she's relishing every second of insight into his former life.

Joel rolls his eyes and scoffs. “Yeah.” He tells her. “We were totally bad.” They had actually been pretty good kids now that he was looking back, but at the time, it was about sex and keeping Dieter from getting his ass beaten.

"Did you like...beat people up and stuff?" Since Ellie's only frame of reference for pre-Outbreak high school is books and movies, she goes straight to what she knows from those. "Sneak out behind the building to smoke cigarettes?" She gasps excitedly. "Did you smoke pot?!"

“I only beat up people who fucked with Dieter, or my brother.” Joel admits. “And of course we smoked pot.” He huffs, pointing at Dieter. “You don’t think this asshole didn’t do drugs in high school?”

Dieter's delighted chuckle makes Ellie crow and she playfully punches Joel in the arm as the group makes their way around to the front of the boat house. "I knew you used to be cool. Oh man – oh man, Dieter, I need stories. Seriously!"

“Who says I’m not cool now?” Joel demands gruffly, fully aware that Ellie thinks he’s lame. Even Sarah would think he’s lame if she were alive.

"Dude." Ellie's gaze could cut glass when she looks over at him. "I've spent every day for months with you. I know cool. You're not cool."

“You know cool, huh?” Joel snorts and rolls his eyes. “Just because I’m trying to keep your ass alive, I’m not cool.”

"'Fraid I have to argue with that." Dieter's lazy smile is pointed at Joel again. "But Joel Miller was very fucking cool. Guess I must have stolen it all away over time." Sucked it out through his cock is the undertone of the comment, but he doubts the kid gets that.

Joel chuckles, not missing the hot glance that Dieter is sending him. “Your wife.” He reminds the actor quietly.

"Knows all about it," you laugh, dismissing it and hustling Ellie past the two men into the boat house to get her a life jacket and a reel.

Joel slows down, trying to figure out if you are talking about the past or the very obvious hints Dieter seems to be dropping. Or maybe he’s just reading too much into it.

"Joel!" When you toss his name over your shoulder from inside the boathouse you can't exactly see where he's gone to. "You gonna join us?"

“Yeah— uh, coming!” Joel jogs slightly to catch up, wondering where the hell Dieter had found a woman like you.

It doesn't take too long to get suited up, and the four of you pull the lone rowboat out of the boathouse to bring down to the lakeside. It's a little too heavy for just you and Dieter to manage so you haven't used it in years, but you've kept it clean just in case. For the four of you it's perfect, and gives you plenty of space to collect any fish you catch.

Joel chuckles, obviously sensing he’s being put to work and he takes the oars after he helps you drag it into the water. “Don’t flip the boat.” He warns Ellie as the three of you climb into it. “Or you’ll sleep in wet clothes.”

“She wouldn’t make me.” Ellie points a thumb in your direction. “Turns out your friends are the cool ones, I guess.”

“Smart ass.” Joel grunts before he starts to row out onto the lake once everyone is situated in the boat.

It takes a little while for Ellie to get the hang of fishing, but it’s a generally quiet activity with a lot of long waiting periods involved, so conversation turns over again and again while the four of you sit together. Ellie tells you and Dieter about her school and Boston, Joel grunts his agreement or disagreement, Dieter tells a story that he realizes halfway through probably wasn’t appropriate, and you finish up with a censored version of the rest of the events. It’s a good system, honestly, and the four of you find yourselves laughing in between catching a few medium-to-smaller sized fish. It doesn’t matter what they are, you’ll eat them no matter what, but at least they all look clear-eyed and healthy when you pull them up into the boat.

“The sun’s about gone.” Joel observes, handing his pole to Ellie and picking up the oars. “Ready to go back?” This is your area and you will know if it’s safe or not to be out past sundown.

“Yeah, I think we have more than enough for tonight.” There’s more than one fish per person, which is great, and if you don’t eat it all tonight you’ll salt some of it to preserve for a night in the future. Sometimes you swear the spirits of pioneer women are out here whispering secrets in your ears because you certainly didn’t fucking know how to preserve fish before the world ended.

 “Great! I’m fucking starving!” Ellie chortles, making Joel puff.

 “Ellie! Watch your goddamn language.” He pants out as he rows back to shore.

Dieter snorts, knowing full well how much Joel swears himself, and nudges his friend. “When did you get so prim?” He teases.

“She’s a kid.” He points out, knowing that his own language was bad at that age but he hadn’t cursed around adults.

“Mmhmm.” Dieter laughs the way only Dieter can - slightly delirious and fully amused. “Whatever you say, Joely.”

The only reason Joel doesn’t shoot Dieter a finger is because his hands are busy. “Kiss my ass, Black.” Dieter’s real last name comes off his tongue naturally.

“Whooooooooooa!” Ellie inhales like she’s swallowing a tornado, eyes wide, and then doubles over in cackling laughter. “I fucking love it here.” She declares when she gasps for air again.

Joel chuckles at her, aware that she’s not had a whole lot of fun lately and deserves to enjoy it. If it weren’t for the need to find Tommy, he would consider staying here. “Easy, you’ll fart if you laugh so hard.” He drolls.

Ellie snorts at that and Dieter chuckles, squeezing your knee as you shake your head and laugh beside him. “I’ll heat some extra water so you guys can take baths,” you promise them, figuring that a little relaxation would do them both good. “Dieter can grab fresh clothes for Joel and I’ll find some for Ellie.”

 “We can help.” Joel offers. “I don’t want to create extra work for you.” He can’t imagine Dieter is incredibly helpful on the best of days with it just being the two of you.

“It’s been a while since we had guests.” You shrug, but nod in acceptance of the offer. “Actually, it’s been so long that I can’t even remember the last time I thought of anyone as a guest.”

“It’s so cool to live in a hotel like this.” Ellie huffs. “This is better than your sheep farm fantasy, Joel.”

“Sheep farm fantasy?” Dieter almost chokes. “What the hell is she talking about?”

“Jesus,” Joel rolls his eyes. “Nothing like that. I just said that if I could do anything after this trip, I would have a little ranch with sheep or something.”

“Anything?” Another guffaw falls from Dieter’s lips and he throws his head back in amusement. “Anything in the world and you choose sheep rancher? What happened to Joel Miller, Badass Rockstar?” In their adolescent dreams of fame and fortune, Joel always dreamt of being a singer. He would hum Dieter to sleep on his worst nights and they would sneak into the rock shows that Austin had to offer on the best nights.

“Holy shit, Joel.” Ellie looks both surprised and impressed. “You sing?”

Joel shrugs but Dieter isn’t done telling his secrets. “He sings and plays both guitar and piano.” His former lover boasts. “He loves music.”

“Suddenly I regret not being able to tune the baby grand in the ballroom.” When the rowboat softly bumps the shore, you gather up the bucket full of fish at your feet. “Don’t worry, Joel,” you offer him an olive branch even though you’re curious. “We won’t make you put on a floor show.”

Joel snorts. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had a piano in front of me.” He admits, although he wouldn’t mind having a guitar to play.

"It sounds like a dying cat no matter which key you hit." Dieter giggles, knowing full well that it is like the sound of nails on a chalkboard to your ears. He tinkers with it to annoy you sometimes.

“You couldn’t play to save your life.” Joel huffs at Dieter, remembering the times he had tried to teach him how to play. “Don’t tell me you tortured your wife with your horrible playing?”

"Mayyyyyybe." His former lover grins unapologetically. "I'm shit with music and always have been."

 "Which makes it all the more hilarious that the movie he was filming here had him playing a musician." You had found it endlessly hilarious when they were courting Dieter for the role, knowing full well that they would have to dub his vocals.

“Jesus Christ.” Joel winces. “I’m glad that one didn’t make it out. I would have such a hard time sitting through that one.”

"Oh, it wasn't actually going to be me singing." Grabbing the bucket from your hand and putting out his arm to help you out of the boat, Dieter sighs dramatically at Joel's teasing. "They had some American Idol runner up locked into a contract to sing for me. Be glad for that guy that he didn't have to listen to me garbling along when he did the dubbing."

“Poor bastard.” Joel chuckles and sends Dieter an indulgent grin. “I’ve listened to you singing too many nights when you were staying over.”

"Awwe, you guys did sleepovers?" Ellie pops out of the boat with little help, flashing Joel a shit-eating grin. "Did you guys like...stay up all night gossiping and painting your nails?" She just can't imagine a fun, young Joel being a normal teenager. It baffles her mind, so obviously she has to joke about it.

“Oh totally.” Joel imitates a valley girl voice. “We did facials and all that.” He knows Dieter will giggle at the double entendre built into that joke. Grinning at Ellie as her eyes widen.

"Joel was infamous for his facials." Dieter almost doubles over, barely able to get the words out for laughing. "Coverage. Good, good coverage."

“Jesus Christ.” Joel can’t help but crack up as well, reaching out and slapping Dieter’s back as he joins him in the hysterical laughter.

"I don't get it." Ellie looks to you for clarification but you just shake your head and nod for her to follow you back up to the hotel.

 "Don't worry about it, El," you tell her, stifling your own laughter much better than the men had. "It's a guy thing."

It takes a few minutes for them to calm down, both of them grinning when they stop laughing. “Fuck it’s good to see you.” Joel tells Dieter breathlessly.

"You too, baby." The last word is quiet. Soft and sweet, and more than a little nostalgic when Dieter smiles much more shyly at Joel.

Joel doesn’t give a shit if Ellie sees, but he still checks to make sure that you and the girl have gone inside and when he sees the coast is clear, he grabs Dieter’s shirt and pulls him close. Pressing his lips to Dieter’s for the first kiss in nearly thirty years.

It would have been a surprise if Dieter didn't still remember how to push every single one of Joel's buttons, so instead it's sloppy and enthusiastic. Dieter grins against Joel's lips, feeling victorious and carefree, which is no mean feat in a world so laden with worries. He happily holds on for however long Joel allows, humming to himself and gripping his former lover's hips in both hands to keep him close.

It’s been so goddamn long since Joel has felt this sense of wonder. Clinging to it just like he clings to Dieter as he starts to deepen the kiss. He knows he’s married but from what he can tell, you don’t mind.

Feeling things rush back to him - nostalgia and the tinted memories of adolescence make everything feel more exciting and more romantic by nature - Dieter moans softly when Joel leans into the moment and lets the older man lick into his mouth as easily as breathing. It doesn't matter how long the moment goes on for, he knows that you will understand. Mostly because there is a very important fact that Dieter hasn't mentioned yet to Joel.

It’s only when Joel has to come up for air that he pulls away from Dieter. Nearly confused as to where he is as he comes back to reality. “Shit.” He groans softly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

"Don't be stupid." Dieter chides, sounding remarkably like his younger self for a moment. "She won't care. I mean...she might care that she didn't get to watch, but that's it."

“Still like to show off, huh?” Dieter has always been a little bit of a showy shit, and it’s nice to know that some things haven’t changed.

"I went to Hollywood." The dramatic exasperation in his voice is just for show, making Dieter giggle in response. "Plus, she likes to watch. And be watched. We're pretty evenly matched, to be honest."

“That’s—that’s good.” There hadn’t been a huge dramatic break up. No harsh words or bitter feelings. Hell, no one had known Dieter and Joel were together. But there’s always been a slight regret in not knowing what happened to his old lover. Wondering sometimes what had happened to the first romantic love he had ever had. So it’s good to find out that he’s been happy. Joel gives Dieter a smile and nods. “Really good.”

"No pouting," he chides, shaking his head to make his maniac curls fly in every direction. The last thing Dieter wants is a bummed-out Joel. He's never liked Joel upset. Even thinking about it sucked. "When I said you should stay, I meant you should have fun."

“I don’t…understand.” Joel’s brow wrinkles in confusion, frowning as he stares at his former lover.

"Baby..." Dieter smirks, smacking a kiss on Joel's cheek. "You made the prenup." To him, it is the ultimate compliment. That he had kept Joel in his heart and mind for decades. "You're my freebie."

“Your…freebie….” Again, confusion clouds his face for a moment before he finally clinks. “Oh…oh… really?” He blinks and looks around as if the hotel would provide an answer. “A hall pass, for me?”

“Why would I waste it on a guy that wouldn’t live up to you?” Dieter shrugs like it’s the most logical thing in the world. “You don’t have to. If you have somebody or would feel weird about it. But considering you just kissed me?” He grins devilishly. “She let me share her freebie, so I’m sure she’d like to share you, too.”

 “Jesus, Dee.” Joel can’t even deny that the idea is one that makes his cock twitch in his jeans. “We used to talk about that.” Two bisexual boys fucking obviously talked about the girls they liked and how they would like to share one. “Was her freebie a guy or girl?” He asks curiously.

 “Girl.” And Dieter still gets a hell of a thrill thinking about it, through the haze of a twenty-year-old memory. “Fuck if I can remember her name now. My memory’s gone to shit. Some bendy as fuck Broadway actress that I ended up actually doing a film with. She was ecstatic.”

 “So you’ve only fucked one other person other than your wife in twenty years?” He’s doubtful, but who knows.

 “Nah.” That sounds ridiculous even to Dieter, though he does love that Joel is so skeptical. He always knew him best of anyone. “The others were special circumstances. Like the one woman who was traveling through and stayed with us for about a month. She decided she’d rather stay warm and we were kinda bored with each other at the time. Or the guy who got separated from his group and ended up here for a week or two about…six years ago? Seven years ago? I dunno. He just wanted to fuck a movie star and pretend things were the way they used to be. He only wanted her to watch. But you?” He raises both eyebrows clear above his sunglasses. “You still hold the record for prettiest cock I’ve ever fucked. And…” There is a flash – just a flash – where the mask slips and Dieter shrugs. “You’re you.”

 “I’m…me…” Joel puts his hands on his hips and looks around for a second as he thinks. He wants to, badly. “I want to hear it from her.” He decides. “And I want to—to have you both.” He steps closer and bites his lip. “You— there hasn’t been another man since you, Dee.” He confesses softly.

 Dieter isn’t one to hesitate when something he wants is within reach, and right now Joel is two inches away, so he grabs right onto the front of his shirt and tugs him in, pressing his lips hard against Joel’s. “Sentimental bastard,” he teases. “And I know she’ll say yes. Caught her checking out your ass in the boathouse.”

 “Shut the fuck up.” Few would ever mistake the growl as nothing but angry, but Dieter just grins at him, knowing that he’s embarrassed. For as popular as Joel had been in school, he hadn’t been assertive when it came to relationships until he was in them.

 The leering grin on Dieter’s face is so fucking pleased that he lets out a manic little giggle. “Oh yeah,” he looks very pleased with himself - or perhaps with you. “Silver Fox works for you.”

 Joel rolls his eyes but he can feel his cock harden. “So what have you imagined?” He asks quietly. “Since I’m your pass?”

“It would be easier to tell you what I haven’t imagined.” The lack of a creative mind was never Dieter’s problem, and with the promise of bringing fantasy to reality tantalizingly close he feels that giddiness of a kid about to get a mountain of presents for his birthday. “Depends on whether you just want to fuck me, or if you want to fuck my wife, too.” His eyebrows waggle again in that signature suggestive way. “Good thing you’re staying for a few days.”

“If the offer is there…” Joel wouldn’t turn down a chance to touch either one of you, especially if it was a shared experience and want.

“Good.” That’s all Dieter needs to hear, and he reaches out and strokes his thumb over Joel’s hip to turn him toward the hotel. “We’re going to have a very fun conversation after dinner.”

“Any conversation with you is always interesting.” Joel huffs, remembering the off the wall comments that would come out of his mouth.

“There you two are.” When Dieter and Joel stroll into the kitchen they look simultaneously more relaxed and excitable, and you make a mental note to ask Dieter what happened outside after Ellie is out of earshot. Right now she’s sitting five feet away peeling vegetables. “Beginning to think you ran off on us.”

“Nahhhhh.” Dieter winks at you. “You know I would never leave you.” He comes over to stand behind you and kisses the back of your neck. “I was showing Joel the star you claim is a satellite.”

“There’s a satellite out there?” Ellie’s seemingly perpetual state of excitement spikes again.

"Hundreds of them." Joel nods. "Driftin' around up there, unused anymore." He doubts any country has retained enough of a presence to use their satellites, but who knows considering communications were cut almost from the start. You only know what FEDRA wanted you to, and that wasn't much.

“Cooooool.” It’s cooler than peeling potatoes, anyway, and that’s what she’s doing right now.

 “It makes the world a little more fun to think something ordinary like a star might be something extraordinary like a still working satellite or a UFO,” you shrug your shoulders but not enough to deter Dieter from showering you in those little bits of affection he loves to give. “It’s my make believe.”

"The aliens are avoiding this planet like the plague." Joel snorts, moving over to where the fish are sitting in the sink and pulls out his knife to clean them.

“As they fucking should.” Dieter agrees without an ounce of irony.

“Dee?” Nudging your husband slightly, you can’t help but sigh a little. He’s too fucking affectionate for his own good. It’s part of how you fell for him. “Will you bring in some firewood for the stove, baby?” The old gas lines did nothing now, but through some crafty tinkering, the ovens and stones in the big hotel kitchen had been converted into wood burning operations.

"Sure." Dieter bobbles his head and looks around the kitchen with a grin. "It's like a family dinner." He observes before he darts out the door to get the wood from the pile.

“Something that most of us haven’t had in a very long time.” It hits your own nostalgia in a very different way than seeing Joel hits for Dieter, but still gives you some nice feelings of warm and fuzzy along with him.

Joel grunts, not commenting on that as he slices the fish open to clean them out. "So tell me how you met Dieter?" He asks, glancing over at you before looking back down at his work.

“I was his personal assistant. His manager pulled me out of a stack of a hundred resumes of people clawing to get to work in Hollywood.” That much of what Dieter had said earlier was true. “It was crazy hard work, but I built my life around him. It kind of snuck up on me that I’d fallen in love with him in the process.”

“It’s good though. Dieter’s always been…easy to care about when you peel through the layers of bullshit.” Joel knows exactly the trauma that had forged the actor's egocentric ways and he doesn’t blame him. Never did.

“He’s genuine. Which people don’t expect.” It’s nice to be able to talk to someone who knows the real Dieter from years ago. The unvarnished, unmasked version of him that is adoring and loyal and full of life. Hollywood had made him jaded and paranoid. Well, the drugs didn’t help that last part. “He’ll always tell you the truth to your face, and it can come across badly if you’re expecting him to schmooze and be a fake nice guy like a lot of other actors.”

“No, I can’t imagine that would go over well.” Joel snorts, although he was pretty much the same way. “It seems like you complement each other very well.”

“I soften his rough edges and he makes me more bold.” The two of you have developed a whole world all your own at this point, as you’re sure a lot of people around the world have. You can’t be the only ones who are isolated like this. “I'm glad to finally meet you, though. He’s always spoken very fondly of you.”

“I can’t imagine why.” Joel snorts, shaking his head in amusement over what Dieter had probably told you. There were times Dieter had no filter, especially when he was around people he trusted.

“You believed in him.” It’s not like you’re going to tell Joel in front of the kid that Dieter had told you explicit details of their sex life. You’re honest, not tactless. “And you supported him. I know you were young, but having that support when you’re that age is vital.”

“What did he need support over?” Ellie scoffs, still peeling her potatoes and glancing over at you with a curious look. “There’s something you’re not saying.”

“It wasn’t easy for him, being out of the closet in Texas back then.” It’s not something Dieter has ever hidden, so you know he won’t mind if you tell Ellie. You’re just careful to tiptoe around Joel’s role in the whole thing. “He was a target for every kind of awful person. But Joel protected him.”

“What, where you guys like secretly dating or something?” You couldn’t mean gay because obviously you wouldn’t be married to Dieter if he was. So you must mean bisexual. She eyes Joel as he stands at the sink.

 Joel considers lying to her for a second, maybe two. Simply because she would be an annoying shit about asking questions. But the only regret he had about being with Dieter was that he hadn’t been open with it. Had kept it quiet. He doesn’t even look over his shoulder when he answers. “What of it?”

“You dick!” Ellie’s jaw drops and she practically rockets out of her seat to lean across the counter that she’s been sitting at. “You never told me that!” There’s no malice in it, not really, but a fair amount of surprise as she processes this puzzle piece of information.

Joel chuckles and turns to stare at her. “The fuck you expect, kid? Introduce myself and tell you how I swing?” He had damn near choked when she had found Bill’s dirty magazine. He glances over at you. “It’s not a secret, just not…common knowledge, ya know?”

“Yeah, I know.” The words are so much more solemn than you or Joel expect, and the expression in Ellie’s eyes is so much darker when she looks between you. “It just…it would’ve been easier…to be myself.” She murmurs, suddenly looking away from both of you. “If I had known, ya known? Then I wouldn’t have been all weird about the magazine or whatever. Cause fuck knows I don’t want to look at that shit.” It seems like the longest time that she pauses, gulping down fear, before she looks up again. “I’m fucking gay, Joel. We could’ve like…be honest with each other a lot earlier.”

“Shit kiddo.” Joel puts the fish down and wipes his hands on a towel as he turns and settles his hip on the sink, giving her his full attention. “You could have always been yourself around me.” He tells her gruffly. “Don’t judge cargo.” He sends her a small smirk, remembering the conversation in the truck later on that day. Although his feelings for the girl had changed since then. “I understand though. Dieter got his ass beat for liking boys and girls and I fucking hated it. Kicked their asses every fucking time I could. You can’t help who you love.”

“You wouldn’t have been the first asshole to drop a kid on the side of the road somewhere for being queer.” She contends, even though the water in her eyes has softened her expression measurably.

“All the shit I’ve done…” Joel shakes his head. “Never would have done that.” He promises, reaching out to ruffle her hair before he remembers they are still fishy and stops himself. “Any other questions?”

“Are you mad that I threw that dirty magazine out the window before you got to look at it?” Ellie asks, mischievous mood restored and eyebrows waggling.

Joel frowns at her. “Asshole,” he huffs, reaching out with his fishy hand on purpose this time to make Ellie shriek and duck away. “No, they weren’t my type.” He grunts. “Dieter is.”

“Dieter is what?” As if on cue, the man re-emerges in the doorway with a bucket full of split wood and looks around curiously at the mention of his name.

“Of course he comes when he hears his name.” Joel snorts, smirking at the man in question. “My type.” He clarifies, nodding towards Ellie. “She asked if we dated in high school.”

“I wondered if she would figure it out. Smart kid.” The grin that Dieter shoots her is almost proud. “Yeah. He, uh…he was my first relationship.”

“And you were…okay…with being a secret?” There’s no judgment in her tone, just raw curiosity. Being able to talk about this feels amazing, especially with adults and not the assholes she had gone to school with. She gets it, kids are dicks no matter when it is.

“We fought about it sometimes.” It’s a lot for Dieter to admit, especially to the kid, but he likes her. He likes her and she’s a straight shooter. Sassy like he wishes he had been brave enough to be at her age. “But it wasn’t about shame. It was about survival.”

"That's one of my regrets." Joel admits, looking down at his hands and sighing slightly. "That I wasn't more assertive. But we thought I would be kicked off the team and then I couldn't protect Dieter like I had been. But I should have just not given a fuck."

“You would have ended up disowned, too.” Dieter points out, shaking his head as he loads firewood into the stove. When Ellie makes a noise of confusion, he shrugs. “My old man didn’t want a fa—a queer kid — staining the family name. The second I graduated high school I was on my own.”

"At least you could stay with us over the summer until college started." It had been the last summer that Joel and Dieter had together. He had taken his scholarship to USC and he hadn't come back for a long time. Until Joel had been with Amber. "And your old man was nothing but a drunk asshole. Fuck him."

“My point is that if you had come out, we both would have been out on our asses.” He rolls his eyes at Joel as though it were obvious. “And you would have hated LA. So don’t say you would’ve just come with me and been okay.”

Joel feels the guilt of the other secret that he had kept. "Yeah, I know...." He swallows and shrugs his shoulders. "I wouldn't have had - uh, her and I can't imagine that." He hadn't ever told Ellie about Sarah and he would prefer not to.

“It’s okay.” Dieter shakes his head and stands up. Brushing his hands off is just a motion to take up space before he drags the bin of wood a few feet away. “We don’t need to get into it. Just…” he sighs and looks to Ellie. “Nobody here is straight, kid. So don’t worry about it.”

"Amber knew." Joel blurts out, unsure of why he is getting into it more when Dieter just gave him an out. "I told her...before we saw you, that last time." He takes a breath. "She didn't take it well."

“Jesus.” Dieter’s face draws long, staring at Joel when his head whips around. “She—she acted like she had barely ever heard of me.” It had actually fucked him up pretty badly for a little while. Thinking that he had meant so little to Joel that he hadn't even told his wife that they were friends? It had wrecked him.

"No." Joel shakes his head. "She— she couldn't handle the fact that I had been with you – that I was bisexual. It was 'immoral' according to her." He scowls. "After...six months after I saw you last, she just packed up and was ready to leave by the time I got home from work. Told me she couldn't be with me anymore...and left us."

“Holy shit.” For a second it’s not quite clear who’s spoken, but you reach out slowly to put your hand on Ellie’s shoulder. “C’mon,” you murmur quietly, nodding toward the door. Joel and Dieter clearly need some privacy.

“I didn’t – I’m sorry that I—” He doesn’t know what he’s sorry for. He doesn’t regret his relationship with Dieter. He loved him, despite never saying the words out loud. “I would have never been with her to begin with if I had known she was like that.” You and the girl are out of the room. “She left me to raise Sarah on my own.”

“What are you sorry for?” Dieter sputters, immediately moving to Joel like a magnet. His instinct is to hold him. To offer comfort. But he’s not sure if it’s wanted. “The fucking fact of me ruined your marriage…I’m sorry.”

“Fuck her.” Joel hisses, shaking his head. “She couldn’t accept me for who I was, accept the first person I loved. I— no, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“What did you just say?” Jaw slackened and eyes wide, Dieter stares. Those were not the words he expected to hear out of Joel’s mouth.

“What?” Joel frowns. “Fuck her? You know I don’t put up with small minded bigots. No matter who they are.”

“No, not that.” Dieter flails out of pure confusion. “You just — you said you loved me.”

“Of fucking course I loved you.” Joel growls, looking at Dieter in surprise. “You knew how I felt…didn’t you?”

“I…” He had thought so. Hoped so. But never knew absolutely or for sure. Over the years he had alternately convinced himself that Joel had felt the same or that he had completely exaggerated the way his first boyfriend felt about him. It all depended on how he was feeling about his other relationships at the time. “I was never sure.” He admits finally, feeling his shoulders sag under the weight of actually hearing the words. “You never said.”

This time it’s Joel that moves, reaching out and grabbing Dieter by the back of the neck and hauling him close to kiss him. Similar to the same way he had first kissed him in the boy’s bathroom so many years ago. Except this time, he doesn’t pull away almost immediately. Instead, he groans against his lips.

There’s something so volatile in the moment that Dieter doesn’t move at first. He’s frozen with the fear that if he so much as thinks the wrong thought that it will all disappear. It’s amazing that the spark between them doesn’t seem to have faded - or at least the attraction is very obviously still there. But that the emotion remains? That much feels like a miracle. Or maybe, like he debated so much years ago, maybe the love he still feels is entirely one sided.

Joel pulls away and shuffles slightly, aware that there was no response from Dieter despite the kiss they had shared earlier. “You never forget your first love.” He adds awkwardly. “At least I don’t.”

“I forget a lot of shit.” Dieter half-chuckles at himself, huffing a little as he presses into Joel’s space again. “But not the important things. And never you.”

“I—I should have said it.” Joel admits quietly. “Shoulda told you.” All of his regret centers around Dieter and Sarah but he could try to set things right with one of them.

“Better late than never.” Having Joel back within his grasp for even just a little while means more to Dieter than he could possibly express, and he pulls the man close now to rest his forehead against Joel’s shoulder with a sigh. “Still means more than you know.”

Joel nods, wrapping his arm around Dieter for a moment before he pulls back. “It’s good to see you.” He huffs.

“You do have a soft spot.” Dieter laughs, leaning into the warmth of Joel’s arms. “Dredging up all this old shit and letting the kid know who you were? And you still missed me.” He won’t claim that it doesn’t make him happy, or feed that part of him that still struggles with self doubt even though it’s been twenty years since the public eye stopped caring about celebrities for very good reason. The only person’s opinion he’s ever held as high as Joel’s is yours.

“Yeah, shut up.” He grumbles, even though he shoots Dieter a grin. “Get the damn fire started so we can eat sometime in the next few days.”

“You misssed me.” Dieter singsongs, smacking a kiss on Joel’s cheek before pulling away. It’s better that the moment breaks now. That he doesn’t keep pushing. That he doesn’t force Joel to push him away. Because that would hurt far, far worse than years of wondering had.

“Surprised you survived.” Joel admits, slightly choked up about finding out that his fears had been unfounded. Happy that the bright star of his childhood still shone.

Dieter shakes his head and laughs, knowing that Joel has every reason to be surprised. “Wouldn’t have without her.” He can admit to that easily. You have been keeping him afloat since the day you met. “She’s…honestly, the only person I ever loved as much as you.”

“I’m glad you found her.” Of that Joel can be completely sure of. Dieter always had a startling lack of self-preservation when it came to life skills. “Of course you would live in a hotel at the end of the world.” He had always dreamed of living in a hotel and traveling the world when they were younger.

“She thought that…that if we went to a QZ, that FEDRA would make me a figurehead.” It wasn’t too far off, really. It had happened to other people in the public eye and there was no reason they couldn’t have done it to Dieter as well. “Fuck the government in the first place, but trying to make me a pawn? We were better off here.”

“Yeah, here is better.” He won’t disagree with that, FEDRAs ironclad fist had chaffed even though Joel had done what he wanted for the most part. “It’s good you stayed here.”

“It’s getting harder.” The stove is stubborn but he gets it lit and stands back again. “Fewer fish, less rain, bad crop seasons. The earth is healing but at the same time it’s not.” He snorts. “I feel like I’m prepping for a production of The Crucible.”

Joel chuckles, but he knows that resources are getting harder to find. “I’m going to Wyoming. It’s where I last heard from Tommy.” He offers.

 “Yeah.” Dieter’s head bobs in response. “And to drop off the girl, right?” As if Joel could let her go on her own. Dieter knows him better than that.

 “Yeah— she’s important to the Fireflies. They have some lab and can make a cure.” Joel doesn’t know anything about the science, but it would be nice for the fucking world to be able to be rebuilt.

“Well…I hope it all goes well.” It will be a good thing for the world, if it works. But Dieter’s life won’t really change that much. Isolation has kept the two of you reasonably safe even if it is difficult.

“Have you ever thought of what you’ll do when supplies get low?” Joel asks quietly, wondering if you’ve come up with some plan.

“We always assumed there would be a day when we would have to move on.” Dieter isn’t completely useless in the kitchen and he picks up peeling the last potato that Ellie had left on the cutting board. “At this point I was starting to wonder if things would hold out until one of us was too old or sick to travel, but it’s not looking that way.”

“The road is dangerous.” Joel admits, going back to cleaning the fish. “And there is safety in numbers.” He hedges on offering them a place, feeling you might not be ready to leave the sanctuary of your home. “More eyes to watch for danger.”

“Or more people to be loud and attract attention.” Dieter shrugs, knowing he isn’t exactly the world’s most subtle or graceful human being. “People like you and her…you’re survivors. Hell, I bet even the kid could kick my ass if push came to shove.” When he shrugs again he’s looking down, mouth shut and lip bitten as if that’s the key to keeping it that way. To keeping in the thought that hurts too much to say.

“Doesn’t mean you’re weak.” Joel reasons. “Never have been. You’ve always been stronger than me.”

“Not up here.” Tapping his head for effect makes Dieter shrug again. A helpless motion if ever there was one. “Clever is what keeps people alive these days. Clever and quick. Like you, and her, and the kid.”

One of Dieter’s faults was that never truly believed he was good enough. All of his formative years being treated like shit and then worse when his father discovered his sexuality had done a number on his self-esteem. “You’re clever enough to align yourself with people who care about you. Who will do anything to ensure you survive.” He offers instead of arguing a point Dieter wouldn’t believe. “And I bet you’d do anything to protect your wife.”

“I’d die for her.” There is no question of hesitation in that for him. Just like there is no question that he would still die for Joel.

“It takes bravery, cleverness to understand that, even more so to mean it.” Joel tells him. “Stop selling yourself short, Black.”

“If you ever write an inspirational monologue, I’ll be sure to read it over the radio for you.” He huffs, unwilling to take the compliment. “But you’ll have to find a radio first. We don’t have one. Fuckin’ things fry your brain.”

Joel chuckles and rolls his eyes. “Better than the fungus.” He banters, finishing up the fish and washing his hands in a small bowl of water. “Do you have salt?”

“Cupboard behind you.” Some things were still in abundance, thankfully. The hotel had had recent food delivery when the Outbreak hit, and whole pallets of spices had been stocked in the kitchen.

Joel hums as he looks through the spices available. “Mind if I use a few of these?” He asks, looking over his shoulder. When Dieter shakes his head, Joel picks out a few that he’s sure will make the fish taste incredible and brings them over to the table. “You remember the shit we used to cook?” He chuckles, shaking his head.

“Calling it cooking is generous. I’m surprised Tommy survived some of the shit we made.” When Joel’s parents would be gone and Dieter would stay over, there was often no cash for pizza or fast food, but a fridge full of ingredients that required cooking. Cooking that they had not been very good at.

“At least it means that we can stomach the shit we have to eat now.” Joel laughs. “Although heartburn is a bitch now.”

“Right?” It’s a son of a bitch and Dieter groans. “Not like we’re eating pizza or lasagna or anything like that, though. I hate to think it could be worse.”

“Not without antacids.” Joel huffs. “We’re getting fuckin’ old.” He wouldn’t ever say it like that around the kid, but he’s feeling his age. “I’m 56 fuckin’ years old.”

“It stopped mattering twenty years ago.” The peeled potatoes need to be diced and Dieter hunts down a knife to keep working. “The fact that we’re still alive is either a miracle or a punishment.”

“Probably a little of both.” Joel carefully seasons the fish and sighs. “Although I can’t believe that you are fucking sober 20 years.”

“It’s not like I’m not trying.” Dieter scoffs. “You do remember the words bathtub moonshine, don’t you?”

“I meant drugs.” Joel snorts. “Ironic since I was a supplier in the QZ.”

“Other people still have drugs?!” The look on Dieter’s face is absolutely scandalized, like it’s his birthday and someone just told him he could never have presents ever again. “It’s been twenty years! Are you telling me the drug trade survived and I’ve been out here using my imagination like a chump?”

“Traded Hydros for ration cards with the FEDRA guards.” Joel can’t help but smirk at the horror on his former lover’s face. It was very cute. Every time he got a supply in, he had thought about Dieter.

“Real stuff?” He asks and crumples onto a stool when Joel nods yes. “What a waste. I would’ve given you ration cards and a blow job.”

Fuck. Joel’s eyes widen slightly and his cock twitches in his jeans. He doubts Dieter had lost any talent in that smart mouth of his, although he knows he’s rusty in the dick sucking department. “Shit.” He groans. “You would have gotten them for free.”

That just makes his former lover smirk and throw him a wink across the counter. “And you still would’ve gotten your dick sucked.”

“Who’s to say I didn’t get my dick sucked anyway?” Joel teases. Dieter hasn’t been celibate; he’s been married so it’s not like he hasn’t gotten his fair share of sex.

“I’m sure you have.” After all, he had been honest when he said the silver fox look worked for Joel. He was always handsome, and clearly aging didn’t hurt his looks at all. “It would be a damn shame if you didn’t. I’m just saying I would have been the one doing it.”

“You could never resist.” He couldn’t remember how many times he woke up with his dick in Dieter’s mouth when he spent the night. Not that he minded.

Dieter shrugs unapologetically. “It’s a good dick.”