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All in all, it was a fun visit to Eda’s parents, they supposed.
Them and Eda took the kids to the toes, caught up with Gwen and Dell, and they talked to Lillith for the first time in years. (They didn’t really count rebellion plans as talking, anyway.)
But of course, it had to be interrupted.
Because really, why not?
The week had gone great at first. The traffic had been a bit rough on the flight in, but no matter. They’d gotten there and they’d almost forgotten how beautiful the toes were, the way the sun set over the sand dunes and the grass swayed gently in the sea air. They could see why Lillith wanted to stay here, it was gorgeous. Them and Eda had fallen asleep on the roof together on the second night, watching the stars and talking about the kinds of sappy things that she would never admit to enjoying.
The trouble came on the third day of their stay there.
It was a lazy lelday afternoon, Eda and Dell had taken the kids to the beach. Lillith had sensory issues with sand and Gwen wanted to keep her company, and Raine wanted to get some reading time in a quiet place. They were in the middle of a human book called ‘The Hobbit’, and though it was wildly unrealistic, they were really enjoying it so far.
So there they were, Lillith and Gwendolyn watching an old movie they vaguely remembered sneaking into a theater with Eda to see when they were teens, getting caught about halfway through and escorted out, Raine reading on the floor in front of the couch.
Everything was fine for a while.
But here’s the thing: Raine did not remember there being onscreen rape in this movie.
Much less it being as graphic as it was, and they just so happened to have been half-watching it when that scene started.
This feeling is all too familiar to them now.
They can’t breathe.
They can’t move.
They’re right back in the greenhouse, her hands all over them and their limbs pinned down, their brain screaming at them to get out but their body not obeying-
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
…Yeah. They’ve practiced this in therapy. They know this. They know what to do.
In and out; in and out; in and out. Focus on the feelings around you.
Their hands are holding old paper. Not anchored to grass by vines binding their wrists.
They smell marge slices from the plate sitting on the coffee table and the strong scent of ink Lillith always seems to be cloaked in. Not the ungodly combination that is too much perfume, sweat, and flowers.
They can hear Gwen saying something along the lines of ‘ Lillith, deep breaths. ’ Not sounds that make them want to go unconscious and never wake up.
And they can see the now blank screen of a crystal ball, an old loveseat, a bookshelf which holds mostly pretty knicknacks and photos. Not skin and magenta eyes and flourishing roses.
It’s okay.
They’re not there.
They’re in the living room at Gwen and Dell’s.
It’s okay.
They blink slowly, looking over to the two on the couch, meaning to explain themself, only to find a very similar scene. Gwen, taking exaggerated breaths, moving her hands up and down as if to symbolize breathing, and Lillith doing so in sync, albeit much less performative and looking visibly rattled, fresh tear-stains running down her face.
Lillith notices them and looks- honestly, mortified is the only way they can describe her expression in that moment. She goes rigid, starting to stutter, and Gwen turns to look at them.
“Oh- oh deary, I’m so sorry, but could you please give us a moment?” She asks worriedly, and they nod, grabbing their book and hurrying into the kitchen, trying to be as un-disruptive as possible, still feeling mildly sick.
It’s only once they’ve shut the door and sat down at the table that their mind catches up with them.
Hang on.
Was Lillith having a panic attack?
It certainly looked like it, if they had to guess what some of their attacks looked like from an outsider perspective, that would be pretty close.
…Over that same scene as me.
Almost immediately they realize what a leap the assumption they’re making is. After all, most people were upset by things like that, Lillith might just be a bit sensitive for no reason in particular. Hell, there’s the slim possibility that she wasn’t even having a panic attack, or that it was triggered by something else. It doesn’t mean she’s… similar to them, in that way. Doesn’t mean anything.
***
By the time the kids, Eda, and Dell are back from the beach, Lillith has calmed down and the decided air is ‘we’re not talking about it.’
Which, okay. They don’t need to know, they’d be a hypocrite for expecting to. They’d hid what happened to them from Eda for months , and she was their girlfriend. And again, it might just be that nothing happened. Either way, none of their business.
“Yo, Rainestorm.” Eda grins, walking into the guest room that they’ve been semi-hiding in. Unless The Hobbit decides to ambush them as well, they felt it was the best place to get reading done without disturbing anyone or being disturbed.
“Hey, Calamity.” They smile. “How was the beach?”
“Oh, great,” she said, casually stripping off her suit and rooting around in her duffel bag for something to wear. “Derwin fell asleep and Luz and Amber buried him in the sand, and I do mean buried him. We had to dig him out, it looked like they were digging a grave in the early stages.” She pulled out an outfit and began dressing herself. “How were things while we were gone?”
They complentated how to answer that for a moment. “Well, I may have had a… slight panic attack. But it’s fine, I dealt with it.” They decide to omit the part about Lillith. If she was meant to know, she’d be told. “I got a bit farther in my book, there’s this faerie-like guy named Gollum. Really likes jewelry, or something.”
“Not that that’s not interesting, but… you okay?” She asked, flopping down next to them. “Need anything?
Admittedly, they do still feel a bit shaken, but immersing themself in the book has helped. “I'm fine. A bit rattled.”
She scoots up to them, pausing before wrapping her arm around their waist. “Is touch okay right now?” She asks.
“Uh…” they honestly don’t know if they're up for it. “You can go ahead.” They say. “I’ll tell you if it’s an issue.”
She nods, snuggling up to them, resting her head in the crook of their neck.
“You’re really beautiful, you know that?” They whisper, moving to kiss her, before-
“Zaza!” Calls Ambers’ voice from down the hall. “Would you tell Derwin to stop using my towels!?”
They sigh. “Derwin, ask Mrs.Gwendolyn if you can use the ones in the linen closet!”
They obviously can’t see him sign from where they are, but Amber shouts “he says okay!” Back in a moment.
***
They can’t sleep.
They’re trying to, at one point they were just about to doze off, but then they heard someone walk past the door and that just put them back at square one.
They sigh, finally deciding that the problem must be that they’re thirsty, untangling themself from Eda’s limbs and getting out of bed.
They descend downstairs to the kitchen, trying not to step on any of the creaky floorboards, and failing spectacularly.
When they finally make it to the kitchen, after accidentally opening the door to both King’s room and the linen closet, they see someone they weren’t expecting.
Lillith.
She looks almost like a ghost against the warm colors of the kitchen, standing in pale silk pajamas, her red hair spilling everywhere, over her shoulders, down her back.
She notices them for the second time that day, but this time, thankfully, they don’t make anything worse. She looks up at them with what they think is a curious look in her eyes, and simply nods in recognition.
They take that as permission to walk in, leaning against the counter.
“They really need to put warnings somewhere on those movies. Beyond just the ‘this is rated whatever’.” She mutters, staring at her mug of… tea, judging by the tag hanging out of the side. The very sight of someone drinking something like that makes them want to shatter the mug and tell her exactly how dangerous that is. Yet another thing they’ll have to deal with at some point.
“Yeah.” They nod, suddenly very aware of the subject that has just been brought up. “It’s… not great. To have that sprung on you.”
She nods back. “I suppose I owe you an explanation for my behavior this afternoon.” She says, her tone very clipped, as if she’s trying not to let anything slip. If she wasn’t wearing bunny slippers right now, they might call it formal.
You don’t owe me anything, is the first thought that pops into their head, but they settle on saying “If you want to tell me, I’ll listen.” It feels like something Darius would say to them. They think that’s a good thing.
“I do apologize for the scene, normally I don’t have such an… external reaction to such things.” She continues, and they debate whether to tell her not to apologize before deciding to let her say what she needs. “It’s normally… dissociation, I believe, is the term. It..l feels like I’m sort of floating a few inches above my body, somehow, and I’m not really there. I don’t know what came over me.” She lets that sit in the air for a few moments, and somehow, it feels like an invitation. I’m spilling a bit of my soul to you, can I trust you with the rest?
They nod again, unsure of how to react to that. “There’s no need to be sorry,” they settle on, trying to match her tone. “I’m rather prone to, uh. Panic attacks. It’s not as if one can just stop having them.”
She nods, thinking that over. “Pardon me if I’m overstepping, but you seemed to have a similar reaction to that particular scene. Of course, I wasn’t paying a lot of attention at the moment, but in retrospect, the bits I remember were…” she trails off, not knowing how to finish that sentence.
They’re dancing around the issue, trying to figure out exactly what the other is there for without actually pointing out why they are. Getting information without giving too much away.
“Yes.” They swallow, slowly walking to the cabinet and taking one of the colorful, plastic cups out. “It was… upsetting. To say the least. To see that without any warning. I know how to handle it, though. It’s not-” well, it is an issue, but much less of one than it was in the past. “It’s a manageable issue.” They say.
They stand in silence for a few moments, each of them trying to think of the next thing to say.
“Did something happen to you? That made that scene particularly painful?” She asks quietly, uncertainly. Like she’s afraid to hear the answer.
They nod, slowly, staring at the still empty cup in their hands, running their thumb over the thin rim. “Did… something happen to you?”
“Yes.” It's said so fast they barely hear it, as if she wants to get it over with. She takes a sip of her tea, watching them out of the corner of their eye.
They would think they would feel different, somehow, after they’d both said that. They don’t. It still feels like they’re standing under a firebee nest, waiting for something bad to happen, trying not to disturb whatever makes things go wrong.
“I was twenty four when it happened to me.” She says in a rather clinical tone, as though she’s trying to divorce herself from what she’s saying. “I was a scout in Latissa, and my commanding officer was pursuing me. He got angry when I said I wasn’t interested in dating him. I didn’t really tell anyone after because… it was the Emperor’s Coven. Even if they believed me I doubt anything would have been done.”
Their stomach drops.
That’s-
That’s horrifying.
Doing that to someone else, over- what? A date? With someone who couldn’t even be interested? And then her having to just deal with it without telling anyone, for… for twenty years? They- they didn’t know what they’d have done if they didn’t talk to Darius, they probably would have kept thinking it was okay, Lillith… they didn’t know how Lillith managed without cracking.
“Oh.” They say, trying to keep their voice from squeaking the way it does when they’re scared. “Lillith, I- I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t mean to offend, but an apology from someone who didn’t do it isn’t worth much.” She says matter-of-factly. “On second thought, even an apology from him would be worthless.”
..they understand that. They’re not sure what they would do if Terra apologized, but they certainly wouldn’t forgive her.
“It… happened recently to me. About a year ago.” They find themself mumbling, maybe because it felt wrong to leave her hanging after she said that. “I was pretending to be brainwashed as part of rebellion plans, and Terra Snapdragon just… you know. Took it as an invitation, I guess.”
She took a moment to process that. “Terra did that?” She asked.
They nodded, feeling their cheeks burn, and they know it’s from embarrassment rather than attraction or some other shit, but it still feels wrong.
She sighed. “I… don’t really have trouble believing that.” She pauses. “Are you dealing with it alright?” She asks, trying to be gentle but still not completely dropping the removed act.
They nod. “Yeah. I have people I can talk to. There was a few… incidents, but it doesn’t get too overwhelming that much now… are you?”
She shrugs. “Mom and Dad have helped a lot. I haven’t been able to find a therapist who I feel comfortable talking to yet. I’m doing fine all around.”
They nod. It had taken a few tries for them to find Dr. Eiwen, he actually felt like he was giving them advice beyond just saying they were safe or whatever. It’d been… frustrating.
She sighs. “Do you want some animal crackers?” She asks.
“Excuse me?” They blink. The question just came so out of left field.
She repeats the question. “Do you want some animal crackers? They’re the frosted kind, they’re good.”
“…you know what, yeah. Sure. I do want some animal crackers.” They nod.
“All important conversations should be held over animal crackers.”