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It was dawn outside of the unlit bedroom, the sun barely poking above the horizon. Morning birds sung and sang their sweet melodies, unknowingly waking creatures from their sleep as they cooed. A crow cawed not too far away, and with it came a song of sweet, honey-like death. The inevitable, and the release from it all.
Warm, spring like eyes awoke to it's distant calls, body covered in the warmth of layered blankets (and sweat). His eyes fluttered once, and twice before remaining open, a small groan slipping from his lips as he glanced about the blackness of the room. Only he frowned at the absence of sight, and the heaviness of his eyes.
He shifted about, and felt around the cushioned bed, feeling nothing against the mattress but ragged blankets and toppled over pillows. The texture of it all feeling used yet home-like, almost luring him back into the deepness of sleep. Only he furrowed his brows, and kept his eyes wide, taking a single breath as he pondered.
After a couple silent moments past, the man pushed himself up from the covers. He shiver as the bare skin of his chest touch the chilled air, and he released a breath at the light crack in his back and the soreness of his legs. He huffed as he lifted himself up from the bed, quivering yet heavy legs wavering where they stood.
In a weak attempt to regain his balance he placed his hand against the bedside drawer only to feel the grainy, flakiness of ash beneath his fingers. Flowery profanities flew out his mouth as he swiftly moved his hand from the ashtray to another part of the wooden top. Relief washed over him at the feeling of loose, splintered wood, and he took a second to breathe.
Not a even a minute had past when he hobbled about on sleep ridden legs, having the luxury of stubbing his toe once or twice against unidentifiable objects as he forgot to click on a light. Clumsily he made it to the apartment door, letting his weight lean against the door knob as he wrapped his finger around the cold steel. He hovered there a moment, heart thumping in unnoticed anticipation.
With a weight only carried by the newly wakened he opened the door, it swinging with ease. Cool autumn air flew in as the man stumbled out, the breeze freezing the surface of his freckled, sweat coated skin. Just as quickly as the wind numbed him, a heavy, gray smoke blew in his face. The smell of nicotine and citrus stinging his nose, but waking his senses from it's dreariness.
In front of him was another boy, cotton like hair blowing in the wind no different from the smoke that flowed steadily from the lit cigarette between his lips. The man watches silently for a moment as the pale man gently plucks the cigarette from his mouth, breathing out small O's of smoke that shifted shape as they flew. He turned his head towards him, cigarette held between his index and middle finger with finesse. He smiles with a strange air to it, and his green-grey muddled eyes crinkle as his cheeks rise.
"Hajime, I didn't wake you, did I?" He tilted his head innocently, and Hajime glanced between his striking eyes and the ash that built at the end of his cigarette.
"No, Nagito... What did I say about that?" His voice was a drowsy croak of what it usually was, scratchy where he spoked on the chilled porch. The man in question tilted his head, expression unchanging except for the small dip of his brows.
"About that?" He repeated back, a teasing lilt in his voice.
"About smoking." Nagito sighed, playful smile wiped away within a moments notice. With a skilled flick, the built ash flutters to the ground, and a half hearted frown forms on his face.
"You're no fun." Hajime takes a slow breath through his nose, letting it deflate through his mouth. With limbs heavy with sleep, and the numbness gained from the cold weather, he takes a few messy steps before settling himself on the concrete beside Nagito.
"You're the one slowly killing yourself," Hajime retorted, tiredness making it come out rougher than intended. "I don't even know how you could smoke those things, they taste like ass."
"You just have poor taste," Nagito shoots back, placing the cigarette back between his thin lips, taking a long swig. Hajime cringed as he watched, nose scrunched as the smell stung his nostrils. Nagito releases a long, wheezy chuckle, eyeing the other with fondness. "You really do hate these, huh?"
"Yes, I hate the smell of citrus..." Hajime grimaces as though to prove it.
"Even though you drink orange juice every morning, and lemonade in the afternoons?"
Hajime snorts, rolling his eyes, "Correction, I hate citrus flavored cigarettes..."
"Mm, I think I like you when your half asleep..."
"Sure you do." Despite the curt words, Hajime rests his head against Nagito's shoulder, boney beneath the thin cloth of his t-shirt. Hajime paid no mind to it, leaning his weary body against the other, relishing in the warmth of Nagito's body heat. Nagito wraps his arm around Hajime, other hand in the air as he held his cigarette.
With even the smallest breaths Hajime could sniff out the light smell of citrus smoke against Nagito's skin, and wordlessly he snuggled deeper into the crook of his neck. As their breath steadied, and synchronized Hajime licked his lips, dried from the cool air.
"But seriously... You got to quit smoking... It's no good." Hajime spoke in a hushed voice, each syllable carried softly through the wind, but he knew he'd heard them.
Nagito takes another, albeit short, drink from the nicely wrapped drug between his fingers before slowly sighing the smoke out, "I know, I know..."
"If you know then..." He veered off, but they both were well aware of the words that followed.
Nagito takes a shuttering breath, and replies in a rasp, "It's just not that easy, Hajime... I can go a day or two, but... I wake up at night with my body just wrecked without it..."
Hajime frowns to himself, shaking his head from where he laid placed against Nagito. "Then let's take you to a rehab center..."
"Why? So they can try to get me to quit just to realize how much of a lost cause I am?! Hajime, I'm afraid you hold to much hope for someone like myself," Nagito heaves a half hearted laugh as he pressed the bud into the concrete putting the small flame out. He leans his head atop of Hajime's, a placid grin stuck on his face.
"Nagito! You're not a lost cause, when are you going to believe that!" Hajime erupted beside Nagito's ear, a frown evident upon his features. Just as his voice echoed through the fading, starry sky, a low caw came from nearby. Nagito without a moments hesitation perked up.
"You hear that Hajime?"
"...What?"
"Why, the crow... You know what means, don't you, babe?" Hajime didn't need to look at his face to see the sly grin he had plastered on his face. Instead he watches Nagito dig in his pocket, pulling a rectangular box with the same logo of the same brand he always smoked. He watched Nagito pull another thin cigarette from the package, putting it up to his lips before lighting it. "Well..?"
Hajime blinks, and before he could think about it he stated the first thing that came to his hazed mind. "Well... A crow usually symbolizes death, right? So when they're nearby it's believed someone's died."
"More specifically six crows, but yes, you're right," Nagito replied mirthfully, rubbing his thumb over the ball of Hajime's shoulder. "Many things symbolize death, whether it's your shadow or the sunsetting... Death surrounds us in that way, does it not?"
"Nagito, what are you trying to say?"
Nagito pulls the cigarette from his mouth, blowing the smoke out leisurely. "Death is common, natural, something that is embedded into our lives whether we like it or not.. We'll all die someday Hajime... So why delay the inevitable?"
"Nagito what!?" Hajime's breath rattled through his chest as is sped up it's pace, and his throat dried as though he were the one smoking those sickly citrus sticks. "You're not saying you want to die, right?"
"Oh, no, no!" Nagito waved his free hand about in denial. "I don't want to die, per se... I'm simply acknowledging what's to come... I am killing myself slowly, aren't I?"
"Until we take you to that rehab center, yes!" Hajime shot back, his voice cracking as he shook.
"And what are they going to do when they see how worthless I am? Hajime, I'm going to die one way or another, and I'm not going to die after making people waste their time on me instead of someone with more potential."
"Shut the fuck up with that "potential" crap!"
"But it's true, Hajime! I've gone on this long being a lost cause! I'm even being a dead weight on your shoulder right now!"
"No!" Hajime shouted, the weight of his voice echoing through the morning purples as bird scattered away in fright. Hajime pushes away from Nagito, the cold breeze hitting his side as he looked into the other's eyes. "Quit saying stuff like that! I never said you were a dead weight!"
"Yeah, but it's implied, isn't it...?" Nagito muttered quietly, narrowed eyes staring up at Hajime from beneath messy, white hair.
"Implied?! Just shut up! You may not see it now, but that's because you've never given yourself a chance!"
"A chance? Why should I be given one when I know exactly how it'll go?"
"Why do you always say that? You act like you know your future, like you know what will happen, but the world isn't that unforgiving, Nagito! You deserve a chance!"
"Why do you even care anymore, Hajime? I just repeat the same things over and over again, why don't you just give up on me... It'd be easier that way, and you know it. You're not dumb."
"Holy fucking shit! I'm in love with you for fucks sake! What other reason do I need to care about you? What other reason do I need for me to want to see you alive, healthy, and well, Nagito? I get it! We'll all fucking die! But do you really want to die so soon? Do you really want to go out without giving yourself a chance, a future?! We only live once, Nagito, and I'm not gonna let you just kill yourself!" Hajime's hands quivered, and his vision blurred up as tears welled up in his dried, tired sockets. Nagito gave him a bewildered look, eyes wide, and mouth agape, the cigarette hanging from his lip.
"Hey... Hajime, I'm sorry..." he started again, his voice low as he takes the cigarette from his mouth putting it out in the concrete. It rolls away crumpled up next to the other bud. "Although I do still believe you're giving me too much credit, you're right... I think... I know what you're trying to say... I'm sorry for stressing you out Hajime, I'm so sorry..." Hajime's face morphed into a squashed scowl, tears rolling down his cheeks as he released quiet, strangled sobs.
"If you're really sorry then... just... Just don't fucking die... Not now... Please... Promise me that..." Hajime choked out, voice muffled as he curled into himself.
"Come here, Hajime, come here..." Nagito cooed gently, lifting Hajime up and wrapping his arms around his waist. Hajime leans against him, arms clabbering onto Nagito in mindless fervor as he lamented. He continued to mumble worried words as he burries his head into Nagito's collar bone. Nagito sits there silently, kissing Hajime's head as he rubs his back, his bare skin smooth against the palm of his hand as it shook
"Hajime... It's okay... I promise, alright? And I mean it, because I love you too and I want to believe all the wonderful words you say about me..." Nagito quietly whispers into Hajime's ear, the cries wracking through Hajime piercing his heart in pain. He continues to whisper sweet words into his ears, allowing the man to snuggle into him and cry into his sleeve. Hajime continues to sniffle as he slowly calms, breaths slowing to a steady lull. He huffs.
"Fuck you, this is embarrassing..."
"You say that as though I've never seen you cry before, Hajime..." Nagito smiles against the other's pointed hair, the smell of pine wood bringing a grin to his face. "...though you are acting a tad more emotional than usual..." Nagito added teasingly.
"Zip it or I'm not gonna be the only one crying..."
"Haha! How scary..." They sit there together silently for a moment, Nagito admiring the sunset solemnly as Hajime snuggles into his body like an emerald ash borer. He let his eyes slip shut, as he breathes in the putrid smell of citrus and nicotine, finding it reluctantly comforting. He shifts around, Nagito choosing to continue to watch the sky rise as Hajime lifts his head from his shoulder.
"Hey Nagito?"
"Yes, Hajime...?"
"I'm sorry for getting so worked up... It's just scary to me... Loosing you..." Hajime admits, his voice a tired croak, no different from an untuned piano.
Nagito sighs, closing his eyes as he lets his mind wander. "... I don't exactly see how my death would be worrying, but... I won't be so selfish as to wish for it anymore... You... Make me want to change, Hajime. You make me feel like I could become someone to be proud of..."
"Because you can be, you always could... I know you've been through a lot, but... I think things aren't set in stone."
"You're right, you're always right, Hajime... I'm still sorry though... For being so pessimistic...I truly am terrible..." Nagito raises a hand to place it against Hajime's face, softly wiping away the dried tear tracks that glistened in the early sun.
Hajime shakes his head, but his lips turn into a smile as he stares into Nagito's eyes, the sunlight shining against them and giving his muddled irises more color to them. "You're not terrible, Nagito... Just... Misguided."
"You're too kind to me..." Nagito whined halfheartedly, to which Hajime rolled his eyes with a soft grin gracing his lips.
"Sure, sure I am..."
"Can I kiss you?" Nagito asked hushed, a sheepish grin on his face.
"After all these years and you still have to ask me?" Hajime dramatically sighed, placing a hand over Nagito's.
"Mm, That's rich coming from the "totally straight" boy..." Nagito shot back, pretending to be lost in reminisce.
"Okay, shut up! Just kiss me for fucks sake!" Hajime demanded, shooting Nagito a dirty look as the other smirked in triumph. Nagito brought his face closer, Hajime not hesitating to meet him halfway. Hajime's body relaxed to his touch, a warm feeling engulfing him as they kissed. Even against the cool, rough feeling of concrete underneath them, Hajime felt he couldn't care less about it as Nagito held him by his waist. The smell of bitter citrus clogged his nose, but Hajime found he didn't mind it, instead deepening the kiss.
Abruptly Nagito cut it off, giving Hajime a wide, playful grin, "Ah, ah, ah! Wouldn't want that secondhand smoke in your lungs..." Hajime groaned, shaking his head as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Why do I even bother dating you..."
They banter lightheartedly as the sun rises, the tunes of songbirds ever growing at the sun's arrival. The crow's caw ceased to return, chased away by the sun's bright glow. Soon they fall into silence once more, watching the sun as it stings their eyes. They notice people leaving the comfort of their apartments, dressed warm in the cool weather that still lingered in the air. Not long after they choose to escape the sun, retreating into their apartment hand in hand.