Chapter Text
“This,” Tony waved an accusing finger at Clint, who was doubled over and shaking with laughter, “This is Not. Funny. At. All.”
Steve could not help but smile. Natasha too, could barely keep her lips from quirking up at the corners.
“It really is not funny,” Tony’s voice took on a hysterical edge. He gestured at himself. “I really really like Little Tony – “
Steve forced himself to be serious. “This is why you shouldn’t charge into unknown mists not heeding our game plan, Tony.” He cleared his throat, and tried not to smile. “Consequences.”
“Consequences? Consequences?!”
“Yes, consequences,” Clint practically howled. “Extremely drastic consequences.”
“This is seriously not funny, guys. Little Tony is gone.”
Steve really didn't need Clint to burst out in a second round of hysterical laughter, which of course, was precisely what happened. At least Natasha seemed to have regained her composure. She primly pinched Clint hard, causing him to choke on his own spit.
Tony ran a hand down his face, which Steve noted, was now slightly softer and less angular after he flew through the magical mist (“STOP OH MY JESUS CHRIST EVERYONE STOP AND DO NOT COME NEAR THIS FUCKING MIST BECAUSE IT IS EVIL”) and swatted at Bruce, who was currently prodding him with some kind of ominous looking medical instrument. “I have boobs,” he ground out, clutching them in a way that would make most people blush. “And they aren’t even bouncy.”
“You’re as flat as an airport runway,” Natasha supplied.
“Woman of Iron, you are mightily beautiful,” Thor stepped closer, sinking to his knee. He took Tony’s hand and planted a kiss on it. “They make these remarks in jest.”
Tony was stunned, though he was kind of beginning to get why Jane is so hopelessly in love with Thor, but was ruined when Thor smiled cheekily at him and did a little pirouette.
Tony threw his hands up in the air in frustration, making some sort of helpless, frustrated growling noise.
“Alright, everyone, that’s enough.” Steve wrapped his arm around Tony’s waist and tugged him closer. Hmm. He did appreciate the newfound curve to Tony’s hips. “Thor, you will talk to Loki about this?”
Thor nodded. “My brother is well-versed in such enchantments. I will seek more information from him. Let us hope that this is but for a brief period of time.”
Tony buried his head in Steve’s chest and let out a dramatic whimper. Clint snorted but managed to stop the laughter before Natasha stabbed him with one of his own arrows.
“I will check on the rest of the civilians who were affected to see if they have similar symptoms,” Bruce remarked as he swiftly avoided another half-hearted attempt of Tony’s to smack his probing hand away. “Hopefully it’s just a simple gender switch.”
At the words gender switch, Tony curled further into Steve.
“Is there a problem with being a woman, Stark?” Natasha asked coolly.
Steve tried really hard to stop smiling. “Alright everyone. Let’s give Tony some space.”
“You mean give Tony and you both some space,” Clint remarked wickedly. “I’m sure there’s some… exploration to do.”
“No sex,” Bruce remarked mildly. “Not until we confirm that it is indeed a harmless gender switch.”
A strangled noise from Tony. “This is anything but harmless!”
“Okay, okay, shoo,” Steve flapped his hand at the rest of the team while simultaneously patting Tony on the back.
The team shuffled out obediently. Clint gave Steve a lewd wink, Natasha in turn shoved Clint out the door, and Banner mouthed no sex and pointed at both of them warningly, making his message clear.
“Debrief in an hour,” Steve hollered at them as an afterthought. “Turn up! Or Coulson will tase you!”
“Well, it seems like it is a simple gender switch,” Bruce frowned at his clipboard. “We had thirteen civilians affected, both men and women – “
“Vice versa now,” Clint added helpfully. Steve narrowed his eyes warningly, and Clint raised his hands in surrender, backing off.
Bruce raised his eyebrows in consternation before consulting his clipboard again. “Their symptoms are identical to that of Tony’s.”
“Loki says there is no definite time-frame for the effects of this enchantment to wear off,” Thor said gravely. “It is an age-old enchantment. Only the most powerful are able to wield it. C’est la vie, he says.”
Life as an Avenger, Steve thought. Their lives are so not normal.
“I would also advise no sex for, well, for as long as this lasts. There might be adverse effects that develop later on.” Bruce looked up and peered over his glasses. “Sorry, guys. I know it’s uh, a pleasurable part of your relationship.”
Tony let his forehead smack loudly on the dining table. Steve extended his hand and kneaded at the tense muscles at the back of Tony’s neck. “It’s not that bad, Tony.”
“Yeah,” Natasha added coolly. There was an undercurrent of a warning in her voice. “It’s not that bad being a woman. Right?”
“You can still participate in our missions,” Bruce looked up from his clipboard and set his glasses down on the table. “I see no reason why not. Nothing really needs to change. You’re still Iron Man.”
“Iron Wo – “ That’s all Clint managed to get out before Natasha pinched him. Hard.
Tony’s nose remained smushed against the wooden dining table as he flipped Clint off. “I miss Little Tony.” As an afterthought, he added, “Steve probably does too.”
“And… that is not relevant to most of us,” Natasha rolled her eyes and got up from the dining table. “You just need to modify the suit a little.”
“Yeah,” Tony groaned. “To accommodate my non-existent boobs.”
“You are also shorter by about half an inch. Your hips are wider by an inch and a quarter. You’re lucky that’s all there is."
That’s not really all, Steve thought. He had already catalogued all the ways Tony’s body had changed. Tony was now slightly more petite, though his hips were slightly wider, giving his body a slight, though very alluring, curve. There was the hint of breasts, judging from the way the fabric of the graphic tee – now no-longer form fitting, but slightly loose and body-skimming – fell on Tony’s shoulders, chest and hips.
“Thanks, Nat, I totally did not know how my body has changed,” Tony mumbled into the dining table.
“Call me that again and I’ll make sure you never meet Little Tony again.”
“Hey, we’re on the same side now,” Tony managed his most sarcastic tone yet. “Best girlfriends.”
“What are you working on this time?” Steve set Tony’s bowl of ice-cream down on the workshop bench. He settled down on his own stool with his own bowl of ice-cream, choosing not to mention that Tony had been in the workshop for slightly over twenty hours.
He goes to the gym, Natasha kicks the asses of unsuspecting trainee SHIELD agents who belittle her, Clint shoots arrows at tiny fake heads (the heads are about the size of a fist) from a hundred yards away, Bruce meditates, and Coulson watches Supernanny.
Tony just spends days in the workshop.
Different people had different ways of coping.
It had been a week, and Tony still showed no signs of changing back.
“Not working on upgrades for Clint,” Tony shoved a spoonful of ice-cream into his mouth. “For once. No upgrades for him for a month. At the very least. JARVIS, note that down. Remind me not to do so. Actually, make that two months.”
“Yes, ma’am,” JARVIS intoned. “However, just four hours ago, you did say, and I quote, those heat-seeking arrows are atrocious, JARVIS, remind me to get them done by the end of the day, they are such an embarrassment, Jesus. Shall I move this scheduled upgrade to the back of the queue, then?”
“I am pretty sure S-A-R-C-A-S-M is not in your code, JARVIS.”
“Indeed, it isn’t, ma’am.”
“Enough with the ma’ams!”
“My apologies, sir.” That was definitely a sniff from JARVIS. Steve never ceased to be amazed by the AI. “I was responding to the change in your biology.”
“Fine,” Tony bit out. “Be that way.”
“Tony,” Steve soothed. “Everything is fine. It’s just a little change in your body, that’s all. You’re still Tony Stark. You still look like you.”
Tony huffed and stared grumpily at the parts in his hand. “Natasha was wrong,” he muttered after a while. “I am shorter by one whole inch.”
Steve got to his feet and placed both his hands on Tony’s shoulders, spinning him around. “You are still aesthetically very pleasing, by the way. Even as a woman.”
The lines on Tony’s face faded just a little. “Smooth-talker.”
“Bublé please, JARVIS.”
“Excellent choice, Captain.” The lights and screens automatically dimmed, and the music began to play.
“I really don’t like Bublé ,” Tony remarked as he let himself be drawn into Steve’s chest. “Your taste in music sucks.”
“I like to keep my ears in good condition, thank you very much.”
“This song is corny.”
“It is beautiful,” Steve corrected. He smiled into Tony’s hair, feeling the tension in Tony's muscles slowly drain away. “Just like you.”
“Shut up,” Tony muttered grumpily. Half-heartedly grumpy. “Pandering to a woman's vanity already.”
“Oh Tony, you are a vain man and you know it.”
“10 points for not calling me a woman.”
“My pleasure.”
They swayed slowly on the spot to Bublé’s Everything, bodies pressed against each other’s. Steve could feel the arc reactor between them both (can feel the slight curve of Tony’s breasts) and it was a reassuring reminder that Tony was still here with him.
When the song ended, Tony sighed into Steve’s chest. “Well I guess there is one upside to this.”
“What?”
“The mythical multiple orgasms.”