Chapter Text
We never meant for that to happen! Things just escalated! Please, we didn't plan for this!
It's hot. She knows it's hot. She knows she's actually sweating. She can feel the sweat on her skin, can feel it dripping down her skin, drooling, cold and wet, yet she can't help those shivers that shake her, the cold they bring with less of the body, more of the mind. Like her soul had been frozen. A cold she'll never shake again. A cold she never wanted to shake again. Because she deserved it!
The wooden bench she was sitting on had started getting uncomfortable a while ago, making her butt hurt, making her fidget, move around as if she somehow, miraculously would get comfortable. When she didn't even deserve it.
Her eyes were downcast, stubbornly focused on her shoes as if that would keep people from seeing the truth, knowing the truth, the guilt not letting her meet anyone's eyes either, like she wasn't even good enough to meet those accusing eyes, meet their stares, their anger, as those words kept racing through her mind, burning on her tongue, a bad taste she couldn't shake. She wants to scream them, spit them, dump them on someone else until they leave her alone, until everyone leaves her alone, yet she holds them back. Barely. Because she deserves the agony. Because she lost any illusion of save places. Because she knows they'll never leave her no matter what. They are with her now, till the end of dawn, a part of her, a cruel and angry part, a mark on her soul so deep they might as well be edged in her skin for everyone to see!
Everything, everyone was wrong about them. Her parents earlier, when they refused to accept the truth, refused to see it, kept repeating they were just kids, please, they didn't know any better! It had all just been a mistake! Please! Like a mantra. Like saying it often enough could make others believe it, could make them believe it, could make it true - when she didn't even know what the truth was herself. Not anymore.
Because they had. Known better. They weren't blind sided by all of this. They had known the dangers. The potential consequences. The actual consequences! And they had ignored it. Because they could. So no, they weren't. Not anymore. Not since they choose their path.
At least that's what she thought. But that may only be her truth. She may have never just been a kid, but maybe they had. Maybe someone had. Anyone.
Just kids. More words that had been on her mind the whole night, haunting her, taunting her, as if her own mind was laughing at her misery. Probably. It wouldn't surprise her. The hate was there.
Just kids. Those words hadn't been true for a while now. Not really. Not since all of this started. Not since that night. Maybe not even before that. Nope. Never blindsided. Always knowing everything. Together they had known it all. Had been prepared. Or should have been at least. Because in reality they weren't. If tonight had proven anything it was this: they weren't ready. Weren't prepared. It was their fault. Her fault. The worlds.
There was no truth.
There was a cough, ripping her from the darkness, the loneliness, a reminder that she wasn't actually alone right now. Like she could have forgotten. With his eyes burning into her like a physical manifestation of her guilt, of all the people she had failed, all the things she had done wrong.
His face was tired when she finally looked up after too many deep breaths and shaky exhales, his uniform rumpled, reminding her of someone else she'd seen in a similar uniform today, the screams of pain and anger that followed the reveal. As if she deserved even more pain tonight. Then again, maybe she did. Maybe they all did. Maybe death would be the only release they could find!
A flash of red, too much blood, she wanted to puke, run, hide. No! Someone kept screaming. No! Not her! Her own voice, maybe, she thought. Probably.
The similarities to his son are starkly visible.
"Things just escalated." She said at least, when she couldn't bear the silence any longer, the stare getting to heavy, making her give in. Because sharing may not relieve her soul but it could relieve her of him at least!
The words felt even more like an excuse out loud, but then hearing them still helps, made her think there may be something in it after all, some truth no one could deny, somewhere, anywhere! Like it wasn't actually all false. Like maybe they had really just been kids. And maybe they were. Maybe they could be at fault and not at fault at the same time.
Maybe they could get absolution without deserving it!
The man growled ever so slightly, quietly, tiredly. He had been here all night too, she remembered, mostly with her, staring at her, but never talking.
She wondered if everyone else is okay. Her eyes filled with tears when she remembered, no they are not, not everyone, not anymore, never again!
So much blood, she thought, dark in the moonlight, too visible, oozing out, pooling, a puddle, fast getting bigger, too fast, too big, seeping into the ground, drenching it like the sacrifice to some pagan god, a god from a more savage, more barbaric time. Well, more openly barbaric anyway!
"Just start talking."
Somehow she does. Even if it makes her want to die, she does.
The pain doesn't stop, but after a while she feels numb and that's better than nothing. She may actually be breathing again!