Chapter Text
You love him. You love him more than anything in the colourless world you see through your eyes - even though your eyes and his look the same. And he brings so much colour to your world; he lights it up and keeps you safe from the dark-
And you love him for it.
But you’re tired; tired of walking with his friends to the citadel; eating dinner surrounded with company you can’t even hold a decent conversation with; waking up alone, at night, because he decided to go out with them again.
And he’s always told you to be honest,
So you are. You pour your murky emotions out to him hoping for just a moment of peace in the mess that has become your mind, but before you can finish he—
Yells at you.
Shoves you—
He’s yelling something about your behaviour, and apparently you aren’t the only one fed up, and apparently you’re selfish and he’s—
Absolutely right—
You are—
You’ve never been good, and you wonder if he’d merely put up with you, or if he’d never noticed it.
The two of you will never be able to understand each other; so you tell him; he told you to be honest. It’s the only way to fix what’s always been broken, the only way to…? What is there to save. When he says he needs some time and you agree to it.
“I think I need some time away from you, as well. To sort myself out.” Your voice sounds just like usual, but hearing it swim towards him in the early autumn air, you feel uneasy, somehow. He pulls away without a word, and for a moment so sudden and so full of emotions it passes too soon but there’s a ripping feeling in your chest — and he’s gone, then. You’re alone in the middle of the gently browning garden, and you sink to the dry, listless ground and cry. It eagerly swallows up your tears, and you let them go, because it hurts more than it should have, and you feel like something you never knew you had has torn itself out of your heart; and now it wouldn't stop bleeding.
Yet you refuse to chase after him. Because you have to stop relying on him. You have to grow up. And the two of you were al too aware of it, despite the smiles you share, across the room, from time to time. Despite how much you loved him. Love him.
The next few days pass agonisingly, because now there’s someone new to not just avoid, but to awkwardly stumble past, and want to greet, and have to stop yourself from greeting. He’s smiling with the other swords (someone other than you, other than you). Eating with them, while you sit quietly outside, watching the fish swim around in the pond. Around, and around, and around — koi, catfish, and a bunch of smaller brightly coloured fish; all swimming, around. One of the koi reminded you slightly of yourself.
Grey; faded amongst its peers, lying in a corner of the pond. Alone.
You used to think that each of the koi represented one of you, but if that were the case, there would be one too many. It was a golden-colored koi, seemingly familiar, yet— you couldn’t exactly place who it may represent. Memories were fleeting; you’d counted and named and remembered every single koi living in the pond except that golden one, yet it still gave you a strange sense of deja vu…
Golden specks flitted across the surface of the pond, water rippling as the golden koi’s back breached the world above it, and for a moment it feels as if it reaches out to you, wanting to stay up there, before it plunges back to the bottom of the pond, swimming in graceful circles around your fish, darting in to nip at it. You want to cry out - but it’s like your mouth’s been sealed shut, so you sag back onto the bench. The grey Koi tries to swim away, but fails, and slowly, stops moving. You think it’s dead, but then you realise it’s waiting for something - Namazuo’s Koi swims closer, and for a moment you’re fooled into thinking he would actually come save you again, but instead he swims away with the golden koi, and you can’t stop the tears from falling, because he’s finally, actually, leaving you.
Golden specks flitted across the surface of the pond, water rippling as the golden koi’s back breached the world above it, and for a moment it feels as if it reaches out to you, wanting to stay up there, before it plunges back to the bottom of the pond, swimming in graceful circles around your fish, darting in to nip at it. You want to cry out - but it’s like your mouth’s been sealed shut, so you sag back onto the bench. The grey Koi tries to swim away, but fails, and slowly, stops moving. You think it’s dead, but then you realise it’s waiting for something - the silvery-black koi you’d come to associate with Namazuo swims closer, and for a moment you’re fooled into thinking he would actually come save you again, but instead he swims away with the golden koi, and you can’t stop the tears from falling, because he’s finally, actually, leaving you.
Nothing can be done, because nothing is to be done; because nothing will stop him from leaving you. So you let him slip through your fingers, just like that, lingering only on the golden koi for a moment longer as you avert your eyes from the truth glowing in your eyes.
In that moment, somewhere in your world where even you have never ventured, a shadow breaks the surface, and enters your world. It’s grey and dulled, but it knows you better than you know yourself. And you’ve met it before, something nags at the back of your mind; a lost memory, but you push it impatiently away; the first you’ve ever blown away a memory.
The golden fish glances at you as it leaves, chuckling at your foolishness.