Work Text:
“Solitude is fine but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.”
1.
Myrddin: Hope you liked the present! I put my heart and soul into selecting the best book for your trip and I think, after some thorough and careful consideration, that “The Land Where the Red Frog Went to Laugh” is just what you were looking for. Also, and I think I must add this even though you don’t want to hear about it anymore, but thank you for giving me your address to send the parcel as in real people do in real life with real physical presents. Kind of a big leap of faith on your behalf, I could have sent you a collection of my nail cuttings… but hey, there’s always Christmas for that. That was all I wanted to say (How nice it's to send this sort of messages here, don’t you think? Really nice) and Happy Birthday again, Wart the Wartligator.
Send Private Message 1 to Private Message Cloud?
Yes
***
Happy Birthday my Little One.
I really can’t believe my baby is turning fourteen today. I can still see you falling on your bum as you took your first steps as if it was yesterday. Doesn’t matter since I can still watch you falling down as an official young man.
All my love today my love, Mum
:)
Happy Birthday My Boy. Enjoy these books I’ve sent on your way.
Uncle Gaius.
Hey Merlin, you’re old now, and still none the wiser. But that kind of works for me because if you knew better, you will not be my friend. Remember that my social life depends on how idiot the other person is (Don’t let Freya know about that, though) and you are just the right amount of idiot to tolerate me.
Miss you man, see you soon, William.
Hey Merlin! Happy Birthday! It was really lovely to finally meet you last month. Hope you can come back some day and talk again.
Freya.
Merlin, happy birthday! We’ll be seeing each other again at the start of the next year and we’ll have lots of time to catch up on whatever happened on the summer and how much better this upcoming year will be for everybody. Life and school can be troublesome things but we get by them eventually with the right amount of support.
If you need anything from me, I’m a call away. Gary K.
Happy Birthday Son,
Father.
***
Seraphine: where is he? He should be here by now.
Artsygirly: relax, he’ll get here.
Seraphine: wart, where is he?
theWart: why should I know?
Seraphine: because.
theWart: strong arguments.
Myrddin has entered the conversation.
Seraphine: right, now!
Artsygirly: Happy
wolfmasterandlord: Birthday
badaesthetic: Dear
Seraphine: Myrddin
theWart: !
theWart: why is my part the lamest?
Myrddin: cause you’re the lamest
Myrddin: I can’t believe it, this is the best welcoming I’ve had EVER.
badaesthetic: thank you, it took us weeks of practice, day and night trying to get the timing right. Sometimes, Wart got the question mark instead and it made us sound very confused about our intentions.
theWart: hilarious coming from someone who spelled dear as deer half the time.
badaesthetic: well maybe the guy is half stag and I was trying to be sensitive.
theWart: Myrddin, do you have antlers?
Myrddin: I got them cut off yesterday actually.
Artsygirly: let’s not get too side-tracked here, OK?
Seraphine: yes, tell us how amazing it was instead. Was it even better than when you first came here?
Myrddin: well, that first time had Wart in it so… yes.
theWart: call me crazy but I think Wart is still in this one.
Myrddin: yeah but it’s not the same one, it’s a different Wart, like another version.
badaesthetic: seems like the same arrogant kid to me though.
theWart: feels the same too.
Artsygirly: the changes have been too subtle for somebody with your cranial ability to notice it.
theWart: are u implying I’m too dumb to notice my own mutations?
Artsygirly: :)
wolfmasterandlord: enough! This is about Myrddin and his virtual birthday party and virtual present unwrapping time, remember?
Myrddin: you got me presents??
theWart: they are virtual, as in non-real --just remember that tiny detail before you get yourself too excited over them.
Myrddin: well I think it’s actually very nice they took the time to actually get me something for my birthday, virtual or not.
Myrddin: as I remembered to get them something as well.
theWart: wait…
Seraphine: VIRTUAL UNWRAPPING TIME!
badaesthetic: I’ll go first. I spent hours trying to get the ribbon curling on the right angle so first, admire the decorations.
Myrddin: considered them admired.
badaesthetic: excellent, now open it!
Myrddin: *unwraps it* ha! I see it but don’t believe it.
Seraphine: what did he get you?
Myrddin: his sense of humour
Artsygirly: ha ha, how sweet of him.
badaesthetic: I’ve always said I had too much of it and u might need some to put on good use.
Myrddin: did u just give me a present in the form of an insult?
wolfmasterandlord: it is indeed, a very particular sense of humour.
Artsygirly: my turn! * hands it over*
Myrddin: I love it, I love it, I love it!
Seraphine: well, do tell us…
Myrddin: it’s a unicorn! A tiny tiny pocket-sized unicorn!
Artsygirly: who can clean, cook and save whole kingdoms from utter misery.
wolfmasterandlord: as all unicorns must do.
Myrddin: I’ll call it Bertie.
theWart: Bertie? Bertie the Unicorn?
Myrddin: it’s short for Albert.
theWart: of course it is.
Seraphine: my turn!
Myrddin: you shouldn’t have bothered. I mean, an endless supply of chocolate fudge?
Seraphine: spare no expenses like that old man said.
badaesthetic: what old man?
Seraphine: the one with the dinosaurs.
badaesthetic: the old man with the dinosaurs… and people say we are not culturally savvy those who use the internet.
Seraphine: shut it!
Myrddin: I loved it! And the film references too.
wolfmasterandlord: my turn, here u go good sir.
Myrddin: well I do thank u, kind gentlemen.
wolfmasterandlord: a token of my affections.
Myrddin: oh my!
theWart: why do u do that? It’s weird.
Myrddin: well maybe I’m a little bit weird! So what?
theWart: hey…
badaesthetic: Hey! It is royal decree that the birthday boy can be as touchy felly as he wishes to be.
theWart: my birthday was a couple of days ago, where is my royal exception?
Myrddin: yes, we know when it was and we’re sure u got many presents from it. But now it’s my turn to see my presents, and I don’t care if they are virtual or not, okay?
wolfmasterandlord: guys…
wolfmasterandlord: my present?
Myrddin: yes, of course. I’m on it.
Myrddin: *unwraps it* it’s adorable!
Seraphine: what is it?
Myrddin: a stuffed baby wolf. I’ll call it Ernie.
wolfmasterandlord: it’s a she though.
Myrddin: then it will be short for Ernestine.
wolfmasterandlord: excellent, now the last one!
Seraphine: Wart, Wart, Wart!
theWart: relax, relax, it’s here. Here u go Myrddin, happy birthday.
Myrddin: thank you.
badaesthetic: well… what is it?
badaesthetic: Myrddin?
Myrddin: it´s a sweater, really nice.
Artsygirly: oh, yes, very nice indeed.
wolfmasterandlord: my grandma gave me a sweater once, is it hand-knitted?
Myrddin: not really but, it’s nice still.
theWart: wait no, I didn’t give him a sweater.
theWart: I didn’t mean to give u a sweater, c’mon! Can’t u see what it really is? What I really gave u?
Myrddin: you’re right, silly me, it’s not a sweater but a jumper! Very lovely, thank u for it Wart.
Myrddin: thanks for all the presents too. They were perfect!! :)
Seraphine: of course… we aim to please here.
Myrddin: I have to go now, my mum wants to have birthday tea with my uncle.
Artsigirly: well, we’ll save u some virtual birthday cake here for later.
Myrddin: yes please! It sounds delicious.
Myrddin: bye!!
Myrddin: thank u!!!
Myrddin has left the conversation.
Seraphine: well this was nice.
Artsygirly: I will think so, yeah.
theWart has left the conversation.
Artsygirly: oh boy.
***
Myrddin has logged into Private Message Cloud 1 successfully.
theWart: I didn’t give u a sweater, or a jumper, or a pair of socks. I would never get u something like that to you! Why would I give something so boring? I mean, maybe u didn’t want to say what I actually sent u because it was THAT awesome and the rest would get too jealous… but at least, u could have invented something a little bit more whimsical for my part? Unicorns, endless sweets, and a jumper? It makes me look boring and old fashioned.
Myrddin: what u ACTUALLY gave me? U didn’t get me anything, how could I know that?
theWart: wait, no… does it mean u never got my package?
Myrddin: what package?
theWart: YOUR PRESENT, u big oaf! I sent u a birthday present a week ago, intended to arrive at your doorstep on this day precisely for you to celebrate! LIKE U DID!
Myrddin: well, I didn’t know that!
theWart: you don’t know many things, do u?!?!
Myrddin: why are u yelling at me!? I’m not the one who got it lost, go yell at the post office.
theWart: oh believe me, I will.
theWart: wait.
theWart: this explains everything!
Myrddin: explains what, u prat?
theWart: did u honestly think I would have forgotten to get u something for your birthday?
Myrddin: I didn’t think that… I thought that maybe… u just forgot the date or something.
theWart: that is… so idiotic. How could I forget it when even your own present came with a note reminding me of it?
Myrddin: well, since u didn’t say anything about my present either, I thought maybe u didn’t like it!!
theWart: I was waiting for today so we could exchange mutual impressions at the same time!
Myrddin: that’s… that’s so girly of you.
theWart: oh shut up, OK?
theWart: I have to leave now. I have to go the post office… again. I’m sending three different copies just in case.
Myrddin: wait! What is it?
theWart: does the concept of surprise mean nothing to you?
Myrddin: I hate mysteries, just tell me!
theWart: I will not. All u have to know is how amazing it is and how very Myrddin-like it is. So… die with the suspense.
Myrddin: dying.
theWart has left Private Message Cloud 1.
***
Second time is the charm (I hope) but you must know that in its original version, even the card was incredible. This will be a poor copy of it, but it will have to do. Hope you can enjoy this as much as I think you can. Just don’t ask me why I bought it, but I saw it on the store and remembered how you are always on and on about that old wizard when we talk about the book and thought, maybe you could use some magic too.
Or that maybe, you were magical as well. And this can be your practice.
I’m going to stop writing now, Happy Birthday Myrddin.
From Wart the Wartligator.
***
Merlin, love, as much as I appreciate your new friend’s sense of humour, do please pick up the wand and top hat from the living-room once you’ve stopped playing with them. I almost fell down on my sweet loving bum this morning when I tripped with that plastic bouquet on the floor.
Maybe one day I can also meet this friend of yours with this fabulous present ideas. He can’t be that bad if he can see how special and full with magic you are.
Mum.
(I mean it with the wand. I want it out of my TV area ASAP)
:)
2.
Sarah: Arthur I remind you to have everything packed and ready to leave at six pm tonight. The taxi will be waiting for you, so be on time. Your father will see you at the airport and has asked me to remind you to bring your housework with you and not “conveniently” leave it behind again for the trip. –Sarah Morai, Mister Pendragon’s PA.
Seen by Arthur Pendragon, 10:24.
Arthur: OK.
Seen by Sarah from Hell, 10: 30.
***
July 25.
Things to pack to have in hand:
Jameson’s Meat and Honey Sandwiches (which are delicious no matter what certain someone says.)
Phone charger.
Sunglasses (which are really necessary because the Sun there is going to be brutal and not because a certain someone says I have a diva complex –how do you even get a diva complex?)
The Book With The Silly Title And Cover And Everything Else (which does not embarrass me no matter how many times a certain someone teases me for it.)
Dustjacket of my Algebra Book to cover The Book (which he doesn’t have to know about.)
Things to ask at the Hotel:
Internet connection and Available computers.
Things to not do on the way there:
Think about how horrible it will be.
Things to do on the way there:
Think about how great it can be. How lucky I am to go to France for the week and see another sky and different clouds. (Side note: Take many photos on the way there to show said different clouds –which are totally the same except when they are not apparently- to a certain someone to stop them from sulking for not getting to know France.)
Thing to REALLY not do while staying there:
Think about how great things can go for them while I’m away. (It’s not like someone can get a new best friend so soon, right?)
Side note to yourself: Stop asking things to your own journal. It’s weird (And no, weird is not a good thing no matter how many times a certain someone says it.)
***
Sarah: Arthur, be ready with your hair properly done this time for the photos in fifteen minutes. The cars leave at eleven sharp. If you are not there on time, you will have to walk and then, for sure, you will not be allow to be on the photos - Sarah Morai, Mister Pendragon’s PA.
Seen by Arthur Pendragon, 10:44.
Arthur: You will like to be on the photos for me, won’t you?
Delete Message?
Arthur: I’ll be there on time.
Seen by Sarah From Hell, 10:48.
***
theWart has logged into Private Message Cloud 1 successfully.
theWart has changed the name of Private Message Cloud 1 to Between France and Home successfully.
theWart: u there?
Myrddin: me here?
theWart: great! So let me tell u how everything went. Hear me out.
theWart: so, we get there about midnight because the flight got delayed for an hour, which obviously sent my father into a fit of hysterics which not even Sarah from Hell could contain. It was only until he got a call from “her” telling him everything would be better as soon as they see each other that he calmed down. Which was really sickening because no one deserves to look at their father like a love-sick puppy, like EVER. And when we finally arrived the hotel had not booked all the necessary rooms so it was either Sarah who got out or me, and guess who got out?
Myrddin: don’t know.
theWart: me u big oaf! It was obvious she had planned everything. I bet she even wanted for me to stay all night in the janitor closet or locked with the boilers for me to melt or something. (I don’t know why every time I think of the insides of a hotel, I remember the lower floors in the Titanic. I was expecting to see big hulky men throwing colts into the fire to keep the thing running, but I saw no men at all) Like I was telling, middle of the night and I have no room, so clearly I’m expecting to spend the night outside in the French cold slowly dying like a French Oliver Twist, but it never happened. Guess why!
Myrddin: don’t know.
theWart: I’m there, walking along the halls trying to find a good place to drop dead, cause the flight was more boring that I thought it would be when I find this kid, or boy more like, around my age waiting for the lift. I look around and see nobody and then, he turns and sees me and smiles. He starts talking to me in French and from what I can gather, everything he said was fair play so I stay and talk to him because he seems nice. Aren’t you proud of that?
Myrddin: proud of what?
theWart: me talking to a stranger and being polite and not like a rightful prat just for once!
Myrddin: sure.
theWart: like I was saying, I start to talk to him and when he asks me in which floor I’m staying, I don’t know how to explain my father gave my room to his PA. So I lie to him, tell him whatever number comes into my head and then he asks me if I want to go downstairs and play around the computers in the computer room for a while. And I say, sure why not all very casual and we go. And then guess what happened!
Myrddin: don’t know.
theWart: we play for about an hour or so and he asks me if I want to play another video game in his room and I’m like, well I can’t just go into your room to play like that. And he looks at me really funny and says it can be a sleepover. A sleepover! I’ve never been to one, and I can’t believe it took for me to leave the country to finally get a chance. And guess what happened next!
Myrddin: don’t know.
theWart: I go. And then we play until five in the morning. And later I go for breakfast about eleven and Sarah starts raging me for being late but father doesn’t even notice it cause “she” is already there. And then I go to the pool and the boy is there and we play around the pool until we get too tired to keep on moving. It was so weird, u know?
Myrddin: I do?
theWart: yes! Because I’m a fifteen year old kid playing around a hotel as I was seven or something, and I’m never done this before. Never got called off by the lifeguard because I should not be running around the pool’s edge like that. And now I did! The lifeguard hates me! Hates me!
Myrddin: good for you.
theWart: and then goes the reception dinner which I am not looking forward to cause I’ll have to sit for hours surrounded by father’s associates (cause he doesn’t have friends) and “her” relatives, all who are probably going to smell like dead flowers or something awful. And guess who was there!
Myrddin: don’t know.
theWart: he was! The sleepover boy! His father apparently works for “her” or with “her” in the same place and he’s invited to the wedding too, so he’s staying there for the same amount of time. And then we spent the entire night trying to see who could eat more and steal more fruit from the bowls (something I have never done either) and I hardly even noticed all “her” smelly annoying people. And then of course, next day is the big day, the worst day and guess what happened.
Myrddin: don’t know.
theWart: “she” is walking down the aisle, looking as terrible as usual carrying an unnecessary large train behind her with a the ugliest flowers I’ve ever seen (I’m pretty sure one of them sneered at me when they passed by me) when… she falls! She actually fell, arse first into the ground, landing soundly on her back with her legs spreaded wide open. Everybody starts screaming in panic as if she was some fragile thing, father runs to help her, the priest goes to help her, the security guard goes to help her, my three year old twice-removed cousin carrying the rings goes to help her (dropping the rings in the process under a bench which then went to be found only after a fifteen minutes search) and I’m there thinking this is the exact mess I thought it would be, when I look around the room and find the boy’s eyes and he’s laughing so hard… and guess!
Myrddin: don’t know.
theWart: I laughed! I laughed and laughed and laughed and I don’t think I’ve ever done it for that long before. Of course, at some point I had to stop laughing and they got married even though people passing by the beach fifty minutes away from the hotel had seen “her” knickers. But I’m still so busy remembering how much I laughed that I don’t even realise when everything is done and the worst thing has happened and all I could think of was: that was so funny.
theWart: I really wish you had been there, because my pathetic writing skills cannot make justice to the pure chaos it all was. And you should have meet the boy too, he’s really nice. Maybe too nice, but maybe he’s the French exception to their bitterness or something like that. Maybe he absorbed all the niceness of his country and became a truly noble person to its core. Or something like that, what matters is that I made a friend! Abroad! How cool is that!
theWart: why are u being so quiet? Did you lose your hand somehow? I know they are attached to your body, but it would not surprise me at all if you managed a way to do that.
theWart: hellooooo?
theWart: Myrddin, you need to talk because this is getting upsetting now.
theWart: I know, I’m shocked about everything too but I kind of want to know your reaction. Kind of the whole point of me telling you this was to hear you out on it.
Myrddin: look, sorry man but I’m not “Myrddin” or what-not, I’m Will, his best friend. I didn’t know it logged in automatically, I just opened the window to see what it was. I would have stopped you but you type scarily fast. He actually fell asleep now after reading a very boring book so… he’ll get back to you with all of this later, I guess? I don’t know if I should wake him up or something but then, he’ll maul me cause it’s nap time and he’s a big baby.
theWart: no, it’s fine, it’s fine, doesn’t matter.
theWart: so, you are Will, then?
Myrddin: yeah, best friends with this waste of space since we were babies. And you are…?
theWart: nobody.
theWart: just an acquaintance.
theWart: it was nice meeting you then. Bye.
theWart has left Between France and Home successfully.
***
August 2.
People keep on telling me how excited I must be for having a new mother with me. Like the part is something cyclical which you can find a replacement for every now and then. She can’t be my new mother, it’s not something that gets renewed. The role was already filled, thank you very much. And it’s not like I need a new one or something. Life is fine just as it is, with the players in position and everything happening as it should be. Father will be working, Jameson will be cooking, George will be boring me and I will be OK. Because things are fine the way they are. And no matter how many people make the same stupid question, over and over again, “she” will not change anything.
Things to do on the way back:
Ask him about the book, and what he thought, and if the ending felt right too, and who was his favourite character and why (I bet his favourite was the old Cat, I couldn’t stand that one), and if he thought it was too slow at first too.
Make sure he is there before you go ahead and spill everything you have within you.
Forget that it happened and how embarrassing it felt and be cool, and casual, and nonchalant like you were with Lance.
Call Lance and ask him about later in the month.
Ask Jameson to buy newer video games. And a new video game player.
Things to not do on the way back:
Think about best friends since childhood. Think about the lack of best friends since childhood. Think about best friends since childhood visiting each other over the summer like normal best friends do.
Evict from your vocabulary the term “best friend” until you get a proper one, like everybody else does.
***
Lance: Hey Arthur, I asked my father and turns out, we are going to visit England for a couple of weeks at the end of August. I told him to contact your father so we can meet and you can show me all the games you have too. I’ll bring mine and maybe a book so you can move on from that silly one about that frog you were reading. À bientôt! Lance.
Seen by Arthur Pendragon, 14:29.
Arthur: Brilliant, I can’t wait to see how amazing your literary taste can be over mine. See you soon, Arthur.
Seen by Lance from France, 14:49.
***
You have 1 New Message on Between France and Home.
Open to read?
Myrddin: Hey, I just checked around the calendar and realised you should have returned from the mighty lovely France by now. Did the trip get extended because the French sky was really that beautiful or did you forget your password? Feels like we haven’t talked in ages, even though it’s been hardly over a week (or two, but who’s counting?) Anyway… can’t wait to hear all the terrible stories and how it went and how moody the French are. Also, we haven’t talked about the book! And we need to talk about the book cause it’s a brilliant one and you know it (Kind of want to know who your favourite was and see if we agree, but something tells me we didn’t) Guess I’ll talk to you when I talk to you. (P.S. Can you believe it’s already mid-August and we’ll have to start school in a couple of weeks? Not looking forward to that activity in my near future.) See you then Wart the Warligator.
3.
Myrddin has entered the conversation.
Seraphine: hi pet, how are u?
Myrddin: fine.
Myrddin: sorry, how r u?
Seraphine: better than you apparently. What’s wrong?
Myrddin: nothing.
Seraphine: … do not lie, I can tell lies apart with my magical powers.
Myrddin: really?
Seraphine: of course, how else do you think I could keep my unicorn happy if without magic?
Myrddin: right, how did I not think about that?
Seraphine: so, spill it out.
Myrddin: my first day of school is tomorrow, a new term and all…
Seraphine: and you don’t sound very excited, not a good thing?
Myrddin: maybe it would be a good one if I actually had some friends there… or if people did not throw my food down the toilet every day. That would be nice.
Seraphine: here here.
Myrddin: you too?
Seraphine: well… I’m not exactly the most popular girl at my school, if you must know.
Myrddin: I don’t believe it, you are charming.
Seraphine: and I can’t believe you are scared of tomorrow. You are brave.
Myrddin: not really. Haven’t done a single brave thing in my life.
Seraphine: sure u have, you came here don’t u?
Myrddin: and that was brave?
Seraphine: u came here, where lonely people came before you because you thought maybe you wouldn’t be lonely any more. I think that was very brave.
Myrddin: maybe.
Myrddin: but I can’t be here all the time, there’s a real world outside too.
Seraphine: and isn't that scary?
Myrddin: fucking terrifying.
Seraphine: here here… but maybe, you are not as lonely as u were a year ago now… maybe it would be slightly better?
Myrddin: maybe indeed. I have u guys, right?
Seraphine: indeed u do.
Myrddin: this was a good talk, wasn’t it?
Seraphine: I think so too.
Seraphine: hey, do u know where in the world did Wart go? I feel I haven’t talked to him in ages.
Seraphine: myrddin?
Myrddin: no.
Myrddin: I don’t know where the prat is. Talk to u later?
Seraphine: of course pet, bye!
Myrddin: :)
Myrddin has left the conversation.
***
Merlin love, I had to take an early shift today so I left breakfast in the oven waiting for you. And I remembered of putting two alarms for you (just in case) Hope you have a good day, all my love, Mum :)
P.S. Your father called last night. Said he would like to talk to you soon. Call him, only to say hello at least.
***
(A phone rings somewhere tugged inside a kitchen, under false pretences and deceive.)
W: Hello?
M: Hey.
W: Merlin! To what do I owe this pleasure? You never call on Mondays – you never call at all actually.
M: I’m not in the mood for being guilt tripped right now. Really.
W: Well, that takes away half of my repertoire. So, what’s going on?
M: My mum thinks I’m on the phone calling my dad.
W: Merlin, as much as it pains me to tell you this—I am not your father.
M: Not funny.
W: I couldn’t live knowing I’m half responsible for bringing you into this world, mate.
M: Still not funny.
W: Well, I’m to be a diversion, right? The least I could do is to be a funny one, I’ll amuse you for now.
M: Not really working.
W: So… (A pause they both know so well.) Are you going to tell me what’s really going on now or should I keep going on circles for another five minutes?
M: It’s stupid, you’ll laugh.
W: I’m used to stupid, and laughing is good for the soul, isn’t it?
M: Stop being deep, it’s unsettling.
W: Blame Freya. She’s making me read books for fun.
M: Has she succeeded?
W: Little bit. This counts as going around the bushes again, so tell me.
M: I just… (A long suffering sigh they both know so well too.) Today was my first day of school and it went awful, as expected but I thought—I thought it will go bad but then when I’d got home, it wouldn’t be so bad cause I could talk about it with—with…
W: That friend of yours.
M: You make it sound so suspicious.
W: So, what happened with him?
M: Maybe, if I knew it wouldn’t be doing this.
W: How’s that?
M: I haven’t talked to him for weeks. I keep sending him messages but it’s like, it’s like he vanished from the world. Or at least, from the internet. Gone.
W: When (A simple and innocent cough) When was the last time you talked to him?
M: Right before he left. His father was getting married at the end of July in France and he’d be away for a week or so. It’s September, Will. September and nothing.
W: He sounds like a bastard for it.
M: Not really, he was all right. You’d have hate him actually, so that made him a pretty decent person.
W: So, you do have a sense of humour then?
M: Shut it.
W: I will keep on hating him then.
M: I really thought that if he got tired of me, he would tell me instead of just ignoring me.
W: Look on the bright side—maybe he died in France.
M: Right, have to keep myself optimistic.
W: You know I can go back there, right? Just say the word and I’ll steal my father’s car. Please give me a good excuse to steal that old thing from his grip.
M: As much as it pains me to thwart your delinquent instincts, I’m fine enough.
W: You’ll call again?
M: Probably. Bye Will.
W: Bye Merls… (There’s one flickering second to decide what to say next; the truth should be the most logical option. As it is, it has never been his forte to speak of such things.) You’ll call your dad later?
M: Bye Will.
(The calls ends. The phone goes dead. Another still suffering sigh.)
***
Myrddin: So, I saw a pigeon with a broken wing today, and my first thought was “Isn’t this too cliché for real life now?” Okay, maybe I’m lying there and my first thoughts are less well scripted. But it was the same sentiment. Because the last thing I need in my life now is to see a wounded bird and feel related to it. But it seems this is me now. A broken pigeon. Will you tease me for it, at least a little bit just to feel normal again? I hope that the vortex where you landed has good lightning for reading.
Send Private Message 9 to Between France and Home?
Myrddin has changed the name of Between France and Home into Vortex successfully.
***
I talked to Gaius. He said there is a way of causing stomach pain in the “medicine” book he gave you last year. You are not fooling me any more young man. You are going to school tomorrow and you are not letting those kids get under your skin. I know you can do it, you are my strong and brave little man. Please Love, don’t forget you can talk to me.
P.S. Do call your father. He sounds like he has something important to say. And I know you have been talking to Will instead.
***
September 10.
Dear Diary.
Gary says I need to set myself with goals. Goals I can actually fulfil (So, yes world domination is out of the question – for now at least. Hey, Will would be proud that I still have some shred of my sense of humour. There’s something to celebrate in that, isn´t it?) so I can bring sense into my life. He didn’t say it like that because he needs to have “touch” to deal with all these “delicate” subjects. But it was implied. So, it is now official: my life lacks meaning. Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming. It came –slowly, I might say- but it came nonetheless. Hurrah!
So goals…
- Improve my marks. I can’t let the rest think I’m stupid.
- Read more books with happy endings.
- Call Will more often. Ask him about what Freya’s making him read. Find someone to discuss the happier books I will be reading.
-
Start a book club. -
Start a fight club. -
Start a magical alliance between me and woodland animals to drink tea on the weekends. - Get a real friend, as in flesh and bones.
Easier said than done.
4.
You have 11 unread Private Messages on Vortex.
Read unread Private Message 11?
Yes.
Myrddin: A dog ate my homework. I didn’t know this sort of things actually happened in this world, but it did. It happened to me. A dog ate my homework. I don’t own a dog but it happened. So be afraid because you’ll probably be falling on a banana peel next morning. I have changed the odds for odd things to happen now. Are there even bananas in that vortex of yours or do monkeys eat beef with roasted carrots? Are there even monkeys there? Hopefully yes, a world without monkeys sounds too boring to be lost in.
Reply to Private Message 11?
Open Draft 1.
theWart: I got scared because we are not in the real world. So I left the world we actually did have for the other. I wanted what you have too. I wanted a friend in the real one, just for once. And I thought I couldn’t have both. So I chose the other one. I chose wrong. Forgive me?
Send Draft 1 as Private Message 1?
Delete.
***
Arthur, I have taken the liberty of attaching your new time-table within this email for you to properly know what we will be seeing this year. After some thorough conversation with your father, we will focus ourselves this year in Advanced Algebra and Statistics. I will send Jameson a list with the new books you must acquire for this new term. I will see you soon,
George Smith.
George. I will like to ask you if my father personally instructed you to limit my Literature class into a single hour a week or was it your personal choice. Just curious.
Arthur Pendragon.
Arthur, your father suggested me about it and I agreed. His judgment was spot on regarding your academic needs, and I certainly could not challenge him on it. In view of your future career choices and prospects, Literature seemed like the most likely to not have an effect in your instruction were it to be removed. I must remind you that these emails are not meant to open any type of discussions about which subjects you will or not take this year; it is only a way of instructing you in advance of what we will see.
George Smith.
I didn’t know I already had future career choices and prospects. Seems like something I should know about.
I thought it was your duty to instruct me and not let me live under ignorance. My father will not like knowing you have failed.
Arthur Pendragon.
Arthur. I will not discuss your academic work-load with you through this conduct. It is unprofessional for me, as your tutor, to communicate with you so informally. I will no longer be available to answer your questions and doubts via email.
George Smith.
Was that my father talking, George? Or was it another of his wise views you have so kindly agreed upon? It is rude to not answer my questions. You are meant to be my tutor after all.
Arthur Pendragon.
***
Father: Arthur, George has spoken to me about your irascible conduct lately. You talk back and do not pay proper attention during your lessons. This sort of behaviour is absolutely forbidden for the likes of you. You are a Pendragon and Pendragons never misbehave. Whatever “teenage rebellion” you are going through will be stopped immediately. And if I learn you are spreading your impoliteness towards Catriona as well, there will be consequences once we return - Uther Pendragon, CEO of Pendragon Publishing House.
Seen by Arthur Pendragon, 09:56.
Arthur: Forgive me Father. I did not mean to spoil your honeymoon with my troubles.
Seen by Father, 12:34.
Father: You will undergo a serious change of attitude, young man. This isn´t negotiable - Uther Pendragon, CEO of Pendragon Publishing House.
Seen by Arthur Pendragon, 12:46.
Arthur: Yes sir.
Seen by Father, 17:33.
***
Artsygirly: so what did he say?
badaesthetic: same as usual, “drop the stick and leave”
wolfmasterandlord: I still don’t get what you were doing in the pool in the first place.
badaesthetic: I like pools.
theWart has entered the conversation.
badaesthetic: well, well, well. He lives and talks and breathes again.
wolfmasterandlord: he has internet connection at least.
badaesthetic: maybe he’s in a coma.
wolfmasterandlord: with internet?
badaesthetic: as it should be.
theWart: hey.
badaesthetic: HE TALKS!!
badaesthetic: he’s alive. Call off the search party.
theWart: shut it. And no, I’m not in a coma.
Artsygirly: good to see you again, Wart. Long time no see.
theWart: I know. Sorry for disappearing, I was away on a trip.
Artsygirly: really? Went somewhere nice?
theWart: France.
badaesthetic: so, that’s a no then.
wolfmasterandlord: hey!
badaesthetic: I don’t like the French.
wolfmasterandlord: my mum is French.
badaesthetic: then I don’t like half of you.
wolfmasterandlord: well, I’ve never liked the whole of you, so we are even.
Artsygirly: so… France, huh?
theWart: yeah, France.
Artsygirly: nice there?
theWart. Yeah pretty nice.
theWart: how is everyone? I feel like I’ve been gone forever.
wolfmasterandlord: you have.
theWart: yeah… sorry again.
wolfmasterandlord: It’s fine, we are all fine here.
theWart: and Serpahine and Myrddin?
badaesthetic: everyone’s been doing great here.
theWart: glad to know that.
Seraphine has entered the conversation.
Seraphine: hello everybody.
badaesthetic: hey Seraphine, look who’s back!
theWart: hey there.
Seraphine: oh my stars, he has returned… he has internet!
theWart: yeah, guess I do.
Seraphine: so what were you talking about?
Artsygirly: how Wart had gone off to France for an eternity.
badaesthetic: and how we were all doing pretty decent here in his absence.
Seraphine: oh right, that’s pretty much it.
Seraphine: hey Wart…
theWart: what is it?
Seraphine: have you talked to Myrddin lately?
theWart: I haven’t found him here. Why?
Seraphine: oh, that’s fine, it was just a hunch.
theWart: why??
Seraphine: I just… well, he gave me the impression he’s been a little bit under the weather lately. But he’s fine now, surely.
badaesthetic: wait, I thought everyone was fine here.
Seraphine: and we are. It’s just that Myrddin has been having some rough time in school lately.
theWart: he started school a week ago…
Seraphine: so he said.
Artsygirly: don’t worry, we’ll cheer him up once he appears here.
wolfmasterandlord: of course.
theWart: sorry, I have to go now. Talk later?
badaesthetic: just make sure “later” doesn’t mean “a month later” and we will be fine.
theWart: of course.
theWart has left the conversation.
***
Open Draft 1.
theWart: so, I heard you had your first week of class last week. How did it go?
Delete Draft 1?
Open Draft 1.
theWart: I was supposed to be there, and I wasn’t. And now you must hate me. Please don’t hate me, you’re my best friend. Even when I’m not yours.
Delete Draft 1?
theWart: You should know I’ve read your messages but I didn’t know how to explain what happened. I feel like something changed now. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for your first day so you could vent about how stupid the world and your classmates were. Probably because I’m quite stupid myself. We should talk.
Send Private Message 1 to Vortex?
***
You have 1 unread Private Message in Vortex.
See Private Message 1.
Myrddin: Something did change, although I don’t know what. School went fine. It’s weird. One day you were there and the next, you were gone. I hoped you had a good time over in France though. Yes. We should talk –but I don’t think I want to now.
5.
Merlin. Will called while you were napping. Call him back.
And call your father, I know you haven’t talked to him yet.
Please do it,
Mum :)
Merlin, I couldn’t help to notice you’ve stopped coming over to discuss your books. Your mother told me you had started school recently, so you must be quite filled with tasks by now. Stop by for some tea during the weekend if you can, my boy.
Merlin. Hopefully this note can reach you. I’ve spoken with your mother too. We should start over our sessions again. I’ve spoken to your professors, they tell me your marks are visibly improving but you seem quite off from your self during class. Remember I’m here to help in whatever I can.
You have a great destiny and can achieve many things, Gary.
***
October 1.
Dear Diary,
Things I wish would happen:
- For everybody to stop sending me so many notes.
Side note: My grades are improving. Part 1 done (slightly – Chemistry is still an unforgiven bitch.)
***
Myrddin has entered the conversation.
wolfmasterandlord: hey Myrdd, how are u?
Myrddin: yeah, fine, u?
wolfmasterandlord: can’t complain.
wolfmasterandlord: hey, my dad bought me a new video game that can connect online. We could all play one time, like set a proper date and meet online.
wolfmasterandlord: what do u say?
Myrddin: sure, sounds fun.
wolfmasterandlord: great, that makes u and Artsygirly. I should ask the rest, u thing Wart would be in?
Myrddin: don’t know, how could I?
wolfmasterandlord: don’t know, thought it could be like a hunch maybe.
Myrddin: yeah… my instincts are not really in sync with Wart though.
wolfmasterandlord: well you can’t never know.
theWart has entered the conversation.
Myrddin: ask him yourself.
Myrddin: bye.
theWart: hey!!!!
theWart: hey?
Myrddin has left the conversation.
wolfmasterandlord: and this would be the….?
theWart: the seventh time. I’ll keep trying.
***
October 4.
Dear Diary,
I should be studying Chemistry. I should be doing it right now. But hey, life is too short to spend it thinking about oxygen. Or is it water? Just maybe I wasn’t born to be a chemist, even though Gaius said I could be an alchemist. How easier things would be if I could turn people into stone and throw them into the sea… and just like that, I went from alchemist to super villain. Go big or go home.
Go big or go home.
Go big or go home
Go home.
So this is what denial looks like, then? Just do whatever you can to keep yourself away from the point in question. I wish I had a small voice inside my head telling me what to do. Just talk to him, it would say and I would ignore it, and things would make more sense. Except for the tiny voice inside my brain. If somebody could give me the answer, that would be great.
October 5.
Dear Diary,
Good and Bad News:
Bad News: I failed my Chemistry test.
Good News: I’ve decided NOT to become an evil alchemist.
October 5.
Dear Diary,
Me again. Good and Bad News.
Bad News: I have to take a secondary curse in Chemistry. I’m just that bad, apparently.
Good News: It’s a whole new group of new people, maybe I could work in goal number 7 while at it. I mean, work it besides working in Chemistry.
***
Myrddin has entered the conversation.
Seraphine: but I still want to buy another one… :(
Myrddin: what’s with the sad face?
Seraphine: lack of money and need for more books.
Myrddin: yeah, I’ll be sad too.
Seraphine: are you reading something interesting lately?
Myrddin: not really, kind of a reading slump as of late.
Seraphine: well, that is unacceptable! Work on that!
Myrddin: yeah, I’m trying…
Myrddin: wait, who were u talking to before?
Myrddin: who else is here?
theWart: hey.
Seraphine: want to join our book discussion?
Myrddin: not really, I’m not reading anything.
theWart: I was telling her about the last book I read.
Myrddin: but I do want to read happier books now, Seraphine.
theWart: hey…
Myrddin: too many sad endings, won’t do no good for you in the end.
theWart: Myrddin.
Myrddin: no.
Myrddin has left the conversation.
Seraphine: number?
theWart: eleventh.
theWart: but he stayed this time.
Seraphine: yeay!
***
You have 5 unread Private Messages in Vortex.
Read unread Private Message 5?
Yes
theWart: I still want to be your friend, but friends talk to each other. Which is great coming from me because I was the first to disappear. I’m just going to keep on saying hey until you say hey back, and then I can explain. Well, I will explain as much as I can, you know how bad I am with words.
***
October 8.
Dear Diary,
Good and Bad News:
Bad News: There are some really dumb people taking the Chemistry class. Which is no surprise if you think about it.
Good News: (Maybe) Some of them are not too bad.
October 9.
Okay, not “some”, just one.
But it still counts.
October 10.
Right, now it comes the time to talk.
He talked to me first the first day. It’s time to return the curtesy.
October 11.
I did it.
I talked to him.
We are not immediately best friends, but I have an acquaintance now.
It’s something.
October 12.
We don’t really have that much in common, but again, it’s still something.
And he is actually NICE. Like, in the human sense of making jokes and laugh at my jokes (which I actually made one yesterday –I! Made a Joke with capital J!!)
I decided I like him, and he can maybe be my friend.
If he wants too, of course. I’m not forcing anybody into being friends with me… yet.
October 13.
It will just be a matter of time before he realises how lame it is to hang around with me. I will have to kidnap him before that happens. Just in case.
Maybe I can ask Gaius if there is a way to make somebody remain friends forever with you. Maybe I skipped an important chapter before (Little bit too late for that one, huh?) Side note: I should go to Gaius more often. I should have made that my goal number 8. I’m making it now.
- Go and learn more things with Gaius.
Okay, now what’s next? I talked and he talked. I made a joke and he laughed. And we ate lunch together in the actual cafeteria surrounded by actual people. I have a social life taking its baby steps. I should really stop freaking out about it right now.
What comes next?
October 14.
Oh god, apparently what comes next is “Do you want to hang around at mine tomorrow?” Why did nobody tell me that was the next step?
Counterproposal: Go to my house because I can’t handle a foreign environment yet.
Answer: He said yes. It took me fourteen years but I have a play-date tomorrow. And I’m looking forward to it. How lame?
***
Merlin, your friend (although quite loud at some points) was utterly charming. Invite him more often, maybe he can come over the weekend for lunch.
Also, can you ask him how he spells his name? Is it Gawain or Gwaine?
Merlin, my boy, remember to practice the pronunciation for that last spell we saw. I know for a fact your mother would be pleased if you could find her a faster way to grow her vegetables.
And again, no I do not know how to force the idea of friendship into somebody else’s brain. And yes, I still think it is highly unethical to even try. And no, I do not think this because I am lonely old man.
It’s nice to see you being so cheeky again. Even though I would appreciate if this cheekiness wasn’t directed at me.
See you next Saturday, Gaius.
***
Myrddin has entered the conversation.
badaesthetic: yes it is!
Seraphine: no it’s not!!
Artsygirly: exclamation points do not count as proper arguments.
Seraphine: whose side you are?
badaesthetic: obviously mine… the cool side where we have cold drinks and good music.
Artsygirly: I’m on the side of objectivity.
badaesthetic: so… the lame side?
badaesthetic: Seraphine, that’s your side.
Seraphine: do bite me!!
Artsygirly: you’re losing points now, badaesthetic.
Myrddin: what’s going on here?
badaesthetic: we, as proper and mature people, are trying to decide if the first Star Wars trilogy is better or worse than the second one.
Myrddin: important topic of discussion.
Artsygirly: indeed, what’s your take, then? Seraphine says the prequels are worst. Badaesthetic says the originals are worst.
Myrddin: that makes no sense, how can the originals be the worst?
badaesthetic: because… *clears throat* the prequels are so bad and so boring, they actually make full circle and become masterpieces. Everybody knows that.
Myrddin: I can’t even begin to comprehend that logic. No way the originals are the worst.
Seraphine: thank you. That makes two to one. And everybody knows Myrddin is the sound one here.
Artsygirly: god have mercy in our souls if that’s true.
Myrddin: I resent that.
theWart has entered the conversation.
badaesthetic: great, Wart as the ACTUAL voice of reason would side with me.
badaesthetic: Wart, please tell Seraphine and Myrddin they are being ridiculous and the Star Wars prequels are underrated masterpieces.
theWart: hey.
badaesthetic: yes, hi Wart, we see you… now go, expose my flawless logic.
Myrddin: hey.
theWart: are u going to leave?
Myrddin: depends…
theWart: on what?
Myrddin: if you side with him, I’m leaving Earth for good.
theWart: good lord… the prequels are terrible.
badaesthetic: BETRAYAL! (Now imagine I’m falling into the pit of the Death Star)
Seraphine: oh my god… I just realised… we are all a bunch of nerds.
Myrddin: shocking news.
theWart: I’m shocked.
Artsygirly: we have some sense of normality at last.
Myrddin: I actually do have to leave now.
theWart: bye.
Myrddin: yes… bye.
6.
Myrddin has logged into Vortex successfully.
theWart: hey.
Myrddin: hey.
theWart: can I explain now?
Myrddin: I did read the other messages. I know your explanations.
theWart: still.
Myrddin: no, I think we’re cool with a ‘hey’ for now.
Myrddin has left Vortex successfully.
theWart: OK.
***
Lance: Hey Arthur, my father is flying over by the end of the month. How about we get together and watch some terrible films for Halloween? À bientôt! Lance.
Seen by Arthur Pendragon, 19:46.
Arthur: I will have to ask first… but yeah, sounds brilliant. Arthur.
Seen by Lance from France, 19:51.
Lance: Great mate (Am I using this one right?) À bientôt! Lance.
Seen by Arthur Pendragon, 19:53.
Arthur: Yeah, you are. But there is still some patriotic streak inside me suffering when you start using English like that.
Seen by Lance from France, 19:55.
Lance: Alors je pourrais facilement commencer juste parler uniquement en français.
Seen by Arthur Pendragon, 19:58.
Arthur: Je ai eu des leçons de français depuis que je suis à huit.
Seen by Lance from France, 20:03.
Lance: Je suis impressionné, MATE.
Seen by Arthur Pendragon, 20:05.
Arthur: See you by the end of the month then, ami.
Seen by Lance from France, 20:07.
***
Myrddin has logged into Vortex successfully.
theWart: don’t you think Vortex is a too bleak of a name?
Myrddin: I blame you for it. I was feeling bleak.
theWart: how are you feeling now?
Myrddin: This isn’t therapy Wart.
theWart: who knows? Maybe psychology could be my one true calling.
Myrddin: then I’ll pity all of your future patients.
theWart: pity them and they’ll be sadder and I’ll be richer.
Myrddin: yeah, because if there’s something you are missing is more money.
theWart: I sense there was an implied ‘prat’ somewhere in that sentence.
Myrddin: maybe.
Myrddin: just maybe.
Myrddin has left Vortex successfully.
***
Father: Arthur, must I remind you that the eventual gathering between you and whatever of your friends depends on how well your behaviour is conducted throughout the month? And must I remind you that your behaviour has left much to be desired in the past so far? Catriona and I agree that you should not be rewarded by your faults, only by your successes. And of these, we have not seen so much of in the present time – Uther Pendragon, CEO of Pendragon Publishing House.
Seen by Arthur Pendragon, 13:24.
Arthur: well, as long as you and Catriona agree…
Save Draft for later?
Arthur: I understand Father. Of course I wish to give my best at my studies. Whatever I can do to show you my successful work, I will do it.
Seen by Father, 16:37.
Father: I shall speak to Mister Smith and see an appropriate way to test your abilities. Only if you manage to excel, will I start to considerer this get-together of yours – Uther Pendragon, CEO of Pendragon Publishing House.
Seen by Arthur Pendragon, 17:02.
Arthur: Certainly Father. Give Catriona my best.
Seen by Father, 18:40.
***
Myrddin has entered Vortex successfully.
Myrddin has changed the name of Vortex to Here Is A Shocker, Wart Is A Prat successfully.
theWart: that’s quite a mouthful.
Myrddin: you would know, right?
theWart: what should it be today? How much of an idiot I am? How stupid it was what I did?
Myrddin: seems you have belittled your existence quite well without me.
theWart: then what?
Myrddin: just some quick questions.
theWart: OK.
Myrddin: how was France?
theWart: seriously?
Myrddin: just answer, straight and honest, and if you could do it with an adjective included too.
theWart: I’ll try, but you know how hard it’s for me to restrain my words.
Myrddin: how was France?
theWart: busy, louder than expected.
Myrddin: how was the wedding?
theWart: terrible… and also funny.
Myrddin: how did you like the book?
theWart: quite right it was (you know I can’t limit my thoughts on a book to just one adjective.)
Myrddin: how are your lessons going?
theWart: terrible… and not funny, they’ve cut my English lessons into a single hour a week now. I’ll soon get illiterate for it.
Myrddin: I think that was about it.
theWart: do I get to ask now?
Myrddin: nah, best to keep you hanging for now.
theWart: well, that’s not very fair.
Myrddin: life is not fair, Wart. Get used to it.
theWart: that sounds harsh.
Myrddin: maybe I’m harsh. Maybe now I’m even cold.
theWart: do you still cry with the news broadcast commercials?
Myrddin: I said I was cold, not that I was dead.
theWart. Right, harsh. Quite right.
Myrddin: last question.
theWart: shoot.
Myrddin: How’s Lance?
theWart: I guess he’s alright.
Myrddin: well, you never know with the French, right?
theWart: mysterious sort.
Myrddin: too in love with their cheeses.
theWart: can’t really trust them.
Myrddin: you will know that, not me.
Myrddin: see you.
Myrddin has left the conversation successfully.
***
Arthur,
After talking to your father, I have decided you will undergo a preventive exam period to review everything we have seen so far over the last month. If your results are acceptable, you will be allowed to have your get-together. Hopefully these terms are agreeable with you,
George Smith.
George,
They seem about right.
Arthur Pendragon.
***
theWart has entered the conversation.
theWart: if anyone who knows Advanced Algebra could help, that would be sort of nice.
badaesthetic: I can help you.
theWart: really?
badaesthetic: sure, my mum says I could make a nice rocket scientist one day if I put my mind into it.
theWart: why isn’t that comforting?
badaesthetic: c’mon Wart! They are numbers and I know must of them by heart by now, how hard can they be?
theWart: still not comforting.
badaesthetic: you wound me.
Myrddin has entered the conversation.
badaesthetic: here’s the wizard, he’ll know more than me.
Myrddin: know what?
theWart: Advanced Algebra.
Myrddin: oh sure.
theWart: really?
Myrddin: No!
Myrddin: my hands start to sweat with the word Algebra, I see the Advanced and I get a stroke.
badaesthetic: now Wart, why do you want to kill our Myrddin?
Myrddin: because he’s a rude sort who can’t do proper math.
theWart: now wait, my hands don’t get sweaty at the mention of it.
Myrddin: yeah but you’re asking help to us, US! That means you’re desperate.
badaesthetic: what’s with the desperation Wart, it’s like almost November. You can’t be having exams right now.
theWart: it’s sort of a deal I made with my father.
Myrddin: understand numbers in return of a faithful lackey?
theWart: sort of.
theWart: I actually want to have a friend over for Halloween but he’ll only let me if my grades are “remarkable”.
badaesthetic: now, what’s this of a friend? Have you been making contact with the outside world?
theWart: maybe.
theWart: I met him at my father’s wedding. His name is Lance, he’s French.
badaesthetic: ahhh, the enemy.
Myrddin: you’re not even English.
badaesthetic: I’ve never liked the French before. Too shifty, you can’t never really tell with them.
Myrddin: god, you sound like a bitter old man.
Badaesthetic: at last, my secret identity has been revealed.
Seraphine has entered the conversation.
Seraphine: hey, what are we talking about?
Myrddin: badaesthetic turned out to be a bitter old man all along and Wart needs help with Algebra.
theWart: Advanced Algebra. Please tell me you’re some sort of gifted youngster who can do math in their heads without writing anything down.
Seraphine: sorry.
theWart: crap.
Seraphine: I love arriving and immediately disappointing people. It keeps me young.
badaesthetic: and also!! Wart has a friend, he’s name is Lance, he’s French, he’s shifty.
theWart: yes to all except the last.
Seraphine: good for you Wart! Is he nice?
badaesthetic: as nice as a French can be.
Myrddin: what’s with the focalised hatred for a single nation?
badaesthetic: I don’t like them. They eat snails!
Myrddin: that is quite a suspicious behaviour.
badaesthetic: my point exactly.
theWart: SO NO ONE CAN HELP ME WITH ADVANCED ALGEBRA THEN?
Myrddin: DO NOT SHOUT AND SAY ADVANCED ALGEBRA CAPITALISED! IT GIVES ME PALPITATIONS.
theWart: PALPITATIONS? WHAT ARE YOU, AN EIGHTY-YEAR OLD LADY?
Myrddin: NO, WE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT WAS BADAESTHETIC’S ROLE.
badaesthetic: WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?
Seraphine: DON’T KNOW, BUT IT IS FUN!
theWart: USELESS AND LOUD SORT YOU ARE.
badaesthetic: YES BUT WE ARE STILL YOUR FRIENDS!!!
Myrddin: IF WE WERE ALREADY SHOUTING WRITING LIKE THIS, WHEN WE ADD THE EXCLAMATION MARKS ARE WE LIKE, SUPER-SONICALLY SPEAKING THEN?
theWart: OH MY GOD, I’M JUST GETTING DUMBER BY HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.
Myrddin: NAH, YOU SOUND THE SAME TO ME.
Seraphine: ARE WE STILL SHOUTING?
badaesthetic: YES!!!
theWart: I’m leaving now.
Myrddin: WHAT?
theWart: I HATE ALL OF YOU.
badaesthetic: WHAT?
theWart has left the conversation.
Artsygirly has entered the conversation.
Artsygirly: WHY ARE WE SHOUTING FOR?
***
You have 2 unread Private Messages in Here Is A Shocker, Wart Is A Prat.
Read unread Private Message 1 now?
Yes.
Myrddin: Things You Should Know About Me, Part One: I was sent to therapy at my school because I punched a boy in the face on my first day there. Then I hit another one the next week –and a third one a month later. They called me a “freak” and I didn’t know what to do. What you should know about me is that sometimes I need someone to tell me I am not a freak even though I should already know that. I haven’t seen my father in almost a year; I don’t want to see him, not for a long time. He does want to see me but I have ignored him for weeks. I desperately need for my life to go well now without him, because I desperately need someone to blame for what happened before. Up until last year, I had only had one friend in total for my entire life –then somehow, I found myself with a group of friends. Then I thought I had lost one of them. You need to know I don’t want to lose any of them again. I’m terrible at meeting new people because I never know what to say, but I’m learning now. When I was seven years old, I wanted to be submarine (not a submarine captain or work inside one, but an actual submarine made of metal.) I’m fourteen years old and I don’t know how to swim. I have to take a special Chemistry class because I’m failing at it; I don’t want to be bad at Math or with numbers because most people do and hate them for it (And you know that) and I don’t want to hate what everybody does hate. I want to read happier books now, and I want to laugh until I cry while reading one someday. I hope you like having a friend spending Halloween with you because I have a friend now too. And we both deserve to spend some time with somebody in the real world.
Read unread Private Message 2 now?
Yes.
Myrddin: Things I Know About You: You like reading books, I think you like reading them more than I do and you can’t read them as often as you want to and that makes you sad even when you don’t say it. You love your father because you have to, but you wish somebody could teach you why you have to love people. You don’t like your stepmother so you’re basically a modern male Cinderella. You are arrogant to those who you do not know, and even more of a prat to those who you do know –and you get scared that they might never know you. I know a couple of things about you, so you can’t be that bad. You bought me a box of magic tricks for my birthday so I know your sense of humour is terrible. You can make jokes that shouldn’t be funny and yet, I always laugh. You were desperate to have a “real friend” when you already had one. But I still like you.
***
(Sounding through intercom) Jameson, could we have some more popcorn, please?
(Sounding through intercom) Would this be from the sweet batch or the buttery one?
(Sounding through intercom) Wait a second, –muffled noises—, both would be nice.
(Sounding through intercom) Right, master Pendragon. Would you and your visitor need something else?
(Sounding through intercom) Ehh… more soda would be nice too.
(Sounding through intercom) Shall I dare to ask which type do you prefer?
(Sounding through intercom) Just—just bring us your best selection.
(Sounding through intercom) Right you are, master Pendragon.
(Sounding through intercom) Lance says thank you.
(Sounding through intercom) I shall like to have a master like mister du Lac someday.
(Sounding through intercom) What was that, Jameson?
(Sounding through intercom) I said I would bringing your food now.
(Sounding through intercom) That doesn’t even match.
(Sounding through intercom) I’m aware of that—sir.
***
You have 1 unread Private Message in Here Is A Shocker, Wart Is A Prat.
Read unread Private Message 1 now?
Yes.
Myrddin: Things You Should Know About Me, Part Two: You are still my friend and I’m still yours.
7.
Hey Merlin. You, me, twelve burgers. What do you say?
May I ask why you go around breaking my heart?
yes.
It’ll be on me.
then that’s a definite no.
now why?
Because the last time it was ‘on you’, we ran and we ran a lot.
Then can I go to your place and eat for free instead?
u know my mum finds it incredibly fulfilling to feed you all the time.
You’re skin and bones. It must be nice to have someone who looks like they are actually eating something.
i think mister ross is staring at you now.
I’m just that good looking.
***
Merlin. This is your mother. Call your father.
Also, make sure to ask Gaius if he has more pepper. I’m making Gwaine my special meat-loaf tonight.
Love, Mum. J
***
theWart has entered Here Is A Shocker, Wart Is A Prat successfully.
Myrddin: what is the highest amount of burgers you have eaten in one sitting?
theWart: two.
Myrddin: you have not lived then.
theWart: tell me.
Myrddin: eight.
Myrddin: I can’t feel my toes.
Myrddin: I’m half cow now.
theWart: myrddin the cow doesn’t suit you.
Myrddin: maybe one of them was pork.
Myrddin: myrddin the pig.
theWart: we’ll keep working on that.
Myrddin: gwaine ate ten.
theWart: is he OK?
Myrddin: I don’t think he’ll be going to class tomorrow.
theWart: tomorrow is Saturday.
Myrddin: right, I knew that.
Myrddin: that’ll make today Friday
Myrddin: right?
theWart: is your brain half burger now?
Myrddin: I think is floating in some solid 60-40 now. I think there’s still one left though.
theWart: please do, a cow would be smarter than you by now.
Myrddin: I would resent that if I could stand up and defend myself properly.
theWart: would standing up change anything?
Myrddin: it would make me… taller.
theWart: go to bed.
Myrddin: fine.
Myrddin: eat more burgers during your life, Wart. Eat them all if you can.
theWart: I’ll make a note of doing it in the future.
Myrddin: I’ll take you for a burger one day.
theWart: really… GO to bed NOW.
Myrddin: fine.
Myrddin has left Here Is A Shocker, Wart Is A Prat successfully.
***
Merlin, number 4?
1688.
I thought we were taking a Chemistry test.
Then change it to Winston Churchill.
Will do.
***
Merlin, my boy. You wouldn’t know who broke into my garden last Friday night and stole my red gnome? And then left it in a compromising position for the mailman to see this morning.
I’m considering installing some visitor hours from now on.
Gaius.
***
Myrddin has entered Here Is A Shocker, Wart Is A Prat successfully.
Myrddin: two questions.
theWart: shoot.
Myrddin: what is your favourite colour?
theWart: red, yours?
Myrddin: grey.
theWart: really?
Myrddin: are you judging my colour tasting abilities now?
theWart: now? What have I judged about you before?
Myrddin: yesterday u said eight couldn’t possibly be my favourite number because it was boring.
Myrddin: it was a number Wart. A number.
theWart: fine.
theWart: be happy with your eight and your grey.
Myrddin: I intend to. Second question, favourite mythical animal?
theWart: dragon, yours?
Myrddin: a dragon too… but mine’s bigger.
theWart: real mature there.
Myrddin: I’m younger than you, I’m allowed to be.
theWart: for like 367 days only.
Myrddin: and each of them counts.
theWart: what’s with the questions? Are you keeping a record of me?
Myrddin: yes. I challenged myself to write something and I asked myself, what could possibly be the most boring topic in the world? And there you were.
theWart: I’ll have u know, I’m the most interesting thing in the world.
Myrddin: after dragons, don’t u mean?
theWart: well, I’m only human.
Myrddin: half.
Myrddin: wartligator.
theWart: cow.
theWart: no… that’s not quite right still.
theWart: I’ll keep working on it.
Myrddin: dork.
theWart: idiot.
Myrddin has left Here Is A Shocker, Wart Is A Prat successfully.
***
You, me, we are doing this.
doing what?
The PROJECT u dumbo. The project mister ross has been talking about all the time. P R O J E C T.
Right. Okay.
We are excelling this one and never taking this again.
If we would be so good at excelling in chemistry, we wouldn’t be here.
But now we have our minds combined into one.
ew.
***
Merlin. Call your father.
Mum, :)
***
Myrddin has entered Here Is A Shocker, Wart Is A Prat successfully.
theWart: Myrddin the Mermaid.
Myrddin: merman?
theWart: it doesn’t rhyme that way.
theWart: Myrddin the Morsel.
Myrddin: …
theWart: Myrddin the Mole.
Myrddin: how does that one rhyme?
theWart: do not question poetry.
theWart: Myrddin the Musical.
Myrddin: oh my god stop.
theWart: I like that one.
Myrddin: just stop trying. I want to stay human.
theWart: humanity is boring. Joined me with the half-humans!
Myrddin: humanS? Who else have you dragged into this madness?
theWart: Lance the Lamb.
Myrddin: I’m questioning your poetry now.
theWart: but he’s so nice, TOO nice. Lambs are nice too.
Myrddin: god.
Myrddin: fine.
Myrddin: then Gwaine is in it too.
theWart: what could HE be? Gwaine the Burger?
Myrddin: Gwaine the Worm.
theWart: that’s not even the same initial.
Myrddin: yes… but he won’t know.
theWart: I’ll keep working on you. If you want to so much, you work on him.
Myrddin: fine.
theWart has left Here Is A Shocker, Wart Is A Prat successfully.
***
Hey.
You are sitting right beside me. And we CAN talk now.
humour me.
Fine. Hey.
I heard around mister K is looking for you.
Don’t look at me. Write your thoughts down like a normal person.
why?
I thought you were seeing him after class… sometimes.
Hey it’s fine.
write something down now.
There’s nothing wrong with me.
Really? Because there’s plenty wrong with ME. I thought we could have that in common.
Why was he looking for me?
Don’t know. But you should go.
Talk later?
***
Merlin, my son. I’m sorry it has come to this. But you won’t call me and I can’t wait anymore. I don’t have any security that you would not throw my letters if they were delivered at your home. I wish I had not intruded in your school life like this. But I must.
I’m leaving, son. On a journey away from the country. I don’t know when I will be coming back. I don’t know if I will ever be coming back. I wish we could have had a better send-off. I hadn’t been a great father, and I wished I had tried more while I still had the chance. But now I can’t, and there won’t be more opportunities in the near future.
I would send a new letter whenever I return. I don’t know when.
Goodbye my son.
Best of luck,
You father.
***
So, what was it about?
fine
how are you then?
fine
let’s go?
fine
***
Myrddin has entered Here Is A Shocker, Wart Is A Prat successfully.
theWart: Myrddin the Musical… part Two!
theWart: fine. No more musicals about you.
theWart: have you thought about Gwaine’s?
theWart: Myrddin?
theWart: pretend I’m whistling calling for you.
theWart: myrddin?
theWart: hey.
Myrddin: hey.
theWart: no to the musical?
Myrddin: Merlin.
theWart: what?
Myrddin: I want to be Myrddin the Merlin now.
theWart: merlin… I like that one.
theWart: Myrddin the Merlin and Wart the Wartligator. We could have a TV show for kids.
Myrddin: I don’t like little kids.
theWart: nobody does. But they still exist.
Myrddin: tell me about a book with a happy ending please.
theWart: OK.
theWart: One time, I read a book that arrived at my house by magic. It was called “The Land Where the Red Frog Went to Laugh.” And I loved it. Fred the Frog and Roger the Toad were miserable people –they had never laughed in their lives. But they didn’t know what it was to do it, so they didn’t know they were missing something important. They knew there was something off, but they couldn’t put a name to it. And then they met Sarah the Lizard –and she was the happiest lizard in the land. But she was starting to forget what it was to laugh. So, since Fred and Roger were just that nice, they decided to help her recover something they had never known. They wanted to make Sarah happy again. They told her about this magical land where she would find her “laugh” again. Sarah was ecstatic. They set off for a journey across the land. They met way too many secondary characters in the meantime. And right before they had reached the “Land,” Roger fell in love with a lovely purple frog called Missy. And he decided to stay behind. Fred told his best friend that if he stayed behind, he would never know what it was “laugh,” but Roger said it was alright. He would be fine there. So Fred and Sarah left –and Fred was miserable because he was missing his best friend in the whole world. But Sarah promised him that things would be fine once they have reached the “Land.” Fred didn’t know if he could believe her; he didn’t know if there was a “Land” in the first place. But he decided to believe Sarah’s words just like she had believed his before.
theWart: and then, after an endless walk that became an endless chapter, they found the “Land.” And it wasn’t extraordinary. It wasn’t magical, it wasn’t unbelievable. It was a normal peaceful meadow. Fred was disappointed –there was no “laugh” there, there were only flowers and green grass and blue sky. But Sarah was as happy as lizards could be. And she told Fred they were there, this was the “Land.” So Fred asked her, where was the laugh? Would they have to dig it up from the dirt? It would be a pity to destroy such a beautiful land. Sarah asked him if he didn’t feel it –Fred shook its head, he felt nothing. So Sarah told him to sit down surrounded by blue flowers and remember the time he and Roger had been little and fought for the last of the berries. She asked him to tell her what had happened. “Roger fell down on his rear and his legs shoot to the sky,” Fred said. Then he looked around and felt the warm of the sky, and the softness of the grass, and smelled the sweetness of the flowers. And his red and froggy lips curled. Because Roger had looked ridiculous falling, he just had not known what the word “ridiculous” had meant before. But now he did, now all the words Sarah had said before made complete sense. Fred knew what it was to be “ecstatic,” to “feel excitement,” what it was to “smile.” Fred couldn’t believe he was actually “smiling” now. And then when he told Sarah this, Sarah laughed. And Fred knew what it was “laugh.” He decided it was the greatest sound of all, and he decided he would never get tired of hearing it. THE END.
Myrddin: where was Land?
theWart: here.
Myrddin: am I frog now?
theWart: well, I’ve always been a lizard.
Myrddin: Merlins are birds.
theWart: a slightly different version of the same story. But it has the same ending.
Myrddin: are you giving me your lizard word?
theWart: yes, and my lizard word means everything.
Myrddin: my father left.
theWart: OK.
Myrddin: and he’s not coming back.
theWart: OK.
Myrddin: and I’m still not sure if I would miss him once time has passed.
theWart: you will.
Myrddin: I don’t want to.
theWart: nobody does… but when you are in “Land,” you miss people with a smile.
Myrddin: I’m not smiling.
theWart: you will.
theWart: lizard word.
Myrddin: thank you, Wart the Wartligator.
theWart: your welcome, Myrddin the Merlin.