Archive of Our Own

Suguru swallows another one before disappearing into Tokyo's crowded streets. The curse leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, a taste that never goes away and that his tongue knows all too well. The only way he found to erase, even if just for a bit, this indescribable aroma is smoking, so he does.

He lights a cigarette while continuing to walk without a clear destination in mind. Any time soon he'll be called back by the institute to go on another mission, what need is there to go back to the dorms? Suguru moves the bangs behind his ear as usual before taking a deep breath; the tufts of hair fall again on his forehead like they always do, but moving them behind his ear it’s a habit he took a long time ago, something he got used to because other long pale fingers did it all the time. With each inhale his chest seems to lighten a little, as if breathing was now easy only through that filter. Could he go on without them at this point? He doubts it. Only for a moment a corner of his mouth rises slightly, as the thought of Satoru crosses his mind; he knows very well that Satoru bothers to see him smoke, he always reproaches him. Or rather, he used to. Suguru hasn't seen his best friend for at least three weeks, maybe longer, but he's lost count. The last time he saw him they crossed only for a few minutes, enough anyway for Satoru to notice his weight loss and for Suguru to see the other’s purple eye bags.

“Fucking monkeys”

Did he just say that out loud? Well, who cares. No one's paying attention to him anyway as he continues to walk through the crowd. He once liked the chaos of downtown Tokyo, perhaps only because it made the silence around the institute even louder and Suguru loved silence. Now the chaos, the traffic, the crowd are just a nuisance, they’re sounds that remind him of the broken world he found himself living in; and, to the oppressive silence of his own room, he would prefer Satoru's irritating laugh, the one he makes after saying one of his squalid jokes, the ones that make only him laugh.

Although Suguru can no longer experience the same pleasure he once had in exorcising curses, it’s something he still prefers than staying alone in the dorm. At least it keeps his mind and body busy, even if just for a little while. But sometimes it’s inevitable to remain alone with our thoughts, especially at night, he knows that. He has barely been able to sleep for a whole night without nightmares during these few months, although tiredness continues to accumulate and his body begins to suffer from it.

His mind doesn’t always process coherent thoughts in the darkness of the empty room, sometimes Suguru just lies on the bed staring at the ceiling waiting for sleep to come at him.
Other times the weight of his thoughts becomes too much even for someone strong like him, words and images begin to overlap in his head and he feels his own self slip away, like he’s going mad. It happened that his heart started beating so fast and it was so hard to breathe that he thought he was going to die. Suguru even thought that maybe dying would be better than living like this.

Still other times it’s his anger that takes over. Suguru has become accustomed to living with a sense of constant nervousness towards human beings, like a pressure cooker ready to pour boiling water at any moment. But on those sleepless nights, the object of his anger often changes.

His absolute favourite subject is that filthy monkey that was Toji Zen’In; if he hadn't intervened, if he hadn't killed that poor innocent girl, where would he and Satoru be now? Suguru wouldn't even know where to begin in recounting the endless scenarios he imagined if things had just turned out as planned. Maybe they could be at some remote beach swimming, or at a museum halfway around the world, or staked out outside a school making sure no one gets near Riko. Certainly not in Tokyo exorcising one curse after another anyway.

He sometimes takes it out on the higher ups, a bunch of withered mummies who probably don't even remember what it's like to deal with cursed spirits every single day.

It happened that he was also angry with Gojo, for various reasons: because even though he needed him, he wasn’t there, because he couldn't find ten minutes of his time to ask him how he was doing, because they didn't train together anymore, because he's the strongest on his own now.
In the end though, he never stays angry at him for too long; he knows these are all just excuses to be mad at someone, to let his feelings out instead of keeping them inside, consuming him. He knows he's been angry at Gojo just because he misses him, in the same way you miss being home when you’re away for too long.

Thinking about it, Suguru also realized he’s always had trouble sleeping. As a child he couldn't turn a blind eye for weeks because of the horrible demons he saw around him, even inside the house. It was so bad that the only moments when sleep took over, his dreams were still invaded by horrible monsters, at least until he learned how to beat them. Growing up he understood that not all demons are cursed spirits, you can't always exorcise them using sorcery. But he still found alternative solutions when they came knocking on his door.
While little Suguru received all the comfort his loving parents could give him when he needed it, teenage Suguru had gotten into the habit of sneaking into Satoru’s room, into his friend’s bed, sleeping there knowing he was safe; with Satoru, he knew he was always safe. He doesn’t really remember how it happened the first time, perhaps by chance he had fallen asleep in his room after a night of last-minute study and it had made him feel good.
Sometimes Satoru didn't even notice his arrival, but Suguru would often come across a flood of candy wrappers on the floor that inevitably made noise as he passed by. Then Satoru would just growl something in his sleep and move to make room for him.
It had also happened to find him awake though, lost in his own thoughts. Satoru never asked questions, he just smiled at him, made room next to himself on a bed that was too small even for just one of them, and began to tell him something; whatever went well, whether it was the mission of the day or anecdotes from his childhood, the important thing was to keep talking to distract Suguru until he fell asleep. He had never explicitly asked him to do so, but Satoru knew exactly what he needed, he always did.
He's also pretty sure that Satoru occasionally started playing with his long hair, but never managed to catch him red-handed. Neither of them had been really surprised the first time one woke up in the other’s arms, but neither of them had said a word about it, and maybe both were fine with it.
Instead, the only thing he can do now is to stifle the screams in the pillow until those feelings go away and tiredness or exasperation prevails.

In any case, most of the time the blame for all his suffering falls on the damned monkeys, they’re the ones that took away from him the only thing that’s still worth fighting for. The humans have taken too much from him. And to think that once it was he himself who explained to Satoru why the strongest should defend the weakest, convinced that dying for them was also right. The fact is, Suguru has seen enough of death now.

He's been walking for a while, he hasn’t counted the number of cigarettes he lit while waiting for another call that today doesn’t seem to come. He didn’t even notice that it’s already dark and the air is fresher, so much so that when he looks up from the ground his eyes prick. What time is it? Maybe he should really go back at this point. Suguru doesn’t know how to feel about the idea of probably having the evening off: he's definitely relieved not to have to rush to someone else's rescue, but he already knows it's a relief that won't last long once he gets to the dorm. So he decides to take it easy on the way back, walking knowing he doesn't have anything to do is one of the few things left that makes him feel better and he doesn't have many opportunities to do it.

As soon as he sets foot in the confines of the institute, he rushes to take a shower. Cigarettes help to erase the taste of curses, water helps to remove the stench of human beings. Even boiling water flowing on his body can’t clean him inside though.
Suguru comes out of the bathroom with his hair still dump, a towel on his shoulders to avoid getting wet the huge white t-shirt he wears along with his grey sweatpants. The institute seems deserted, maybe that’s why they don’t need his help and nobody called him, perhaps there are already enough sorcerers around, but it’s not like he cares that much.
He decides to get something from the vending machines, going to dinner would be useless because he knows he wouldn’t be able to get something edible down without having the urge to vomit.

Ah, someone is still here after all.

Suguru immediately notices the boy with dark blonde hair sitting on one of the benches of the common space. He doesn't see his face, he's sitting with his elbows on the knees and his hands covering it. Only the sound of Suguru's dirty clothes falling on the bench awakens him from that sort of trance.

“Ah, it’s you...”

Nanami speaks with a strong voice, not raising his torso but only his head to take a disinterested look at Suguru.

“Can I get you something to drink, Nanami?”

Suguru knows Nanami doesn’t exactly love his company, but he tries to smile at him in the most sincere way he can as he stoops down to take his coke. It’s not like he particularly wants it, but it’s the only thing that for a few days he managed to drink. It’s ridiculous, though, that as sweet as the drink is, it manages to leave a bitterness in his mouth too.

“No, thank you.”

Nanami has his eyes glued to the can in Suguru’s hands, the black haired boy is sitting on the bench next to him. It’s impossible not to notice the dark circles that also groove Kento’s face, probably only partly due to the excessive workload that fell on him as well.

Suguru doesn't know what to say. He covered Haibara's body before leaving it to Shoko. He can’t even recall the exact number of nights he started to doze off and then brutally got up again, desperately gasping for air after seeing Haibara’s pale face behind his eyelids.

“You know... if you happen to need-”

“Forget it, Geto."

Nanami is still looking at the can in Suguru's hands who hasn't even taken his first sip. He looks at him in turn, confused.

“I don’t need anything, especially not from you,” he pauses for a moment before adding: “You’ve already got enough to think about on your own.”

This time Kento looks him in the eyes, but continues to speak without any emotion. Suguru raises a corner of his mouth: he's not wrong, this bastard is never wrong.

“You’re right, sorry.”

The two remain silent, Suguru seems to forget to open the can and drink its contents. Despite everything, at least Satoru is still alive. There was a time when he thought he was dead, and he remembers the feelings of that moment all too well. He had been seized with such overwhelming anger that he thought he could never again experience other emotions than that. But Gojo came back, as he always does. Haibara is not Gojo though.

“I never got a chance to tell you this, but the last time I saw Haibara I asked him if he was okay with being a sorcerer," Suguru doesn't know why he's saying this, maybe he just wants to tell Kento something like Satoru did to him on those distante sleepless nights.

“And he told me he wasn’t the type to stop and do these kinds of deep reflections.”

He smiles as he thinks of the black-haired boy and how naive he was, as innocent as Riko.

“He told me he was just content to do his best in the things he knew he could do. Before then I had never connected being a sorcerer to something so simple. I probably stop too long thinking about this kind of things, when instead it would be enough to do what I can do to the best of my abilities, as Haibara did.”

Suguru tortures the can in his hands now, moistening his calloused fingers with the little drops that formed on it.

“I’m definitely not in a position to help you, but I think if I had to give you any advice, I’d give you his.”

Only when the sentence is finished, Suguru turns to Nanami and sees his dug cheeks riddled with silent tears. He didn't even notice that Kento had begun to cry.

“Oh, um... sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“Don’t worry, ” Nanami wipes the tears with the sleeve of his uniform before a faint smile appears on his lips. Suguru is almost astonished at the sight.

“Thank you.”

This time in his tone he can hear just real sincerity, something unexpected for Suguru who still smiles slightly in response. He gets up, approaches Nanami and leaves the can of coke next to him before heading to his room, dirty clothes in one hand, but manages to take only a few steps before he hears the other’s voice again.

“Geto,” Nanami is looking him straight in the eyes, a few tufts of blonde hair covering his forehead but his gratitude is still clearly visible. He speaks almost in a whisper, like he's telling him a secret.

“He’s waiting for you.”

Suguru is instantly paralyzed. What's that supposed to mean? No, he actually understands what it means, but he can't believe his ears.

“What?,” is the only word he can get out of his dry mouth.

“He’s waiting for you, he’s been in your room for a while now.”

Kento is smiling at him again (which continues to leave him confused, even a little scared to be honest) as he clutches in his hands the can that was next to him on the bench until a few seconds ago.
Not having words in mind that can translate into a meaningful response, Suguru simply smiles and then starts walking to his room. Those words can only mean one thing, there aren't many ways to interpret them. Is that really possible? Or is the boy playing a weird prank on him? No, Kento's definitely not the type to do these things. Besides, he seemed really grateful, although Suguru isn't sure he understands why. He doesn't know how Nanami knows and also doesn't care.

The closer he gets, the louder his heart rumbles in his ears, the faster his legs move. He's practically running through the endless corridors of the institute, the wet towel bouncing off his shoulders at every step.
Only when he’s already with one hand on the handle does he stop for a moment. Yes, that's his cursed energy, there's no doubt about it. For the first time in weeks something manages to fully capture his attention, there’s nothing in the world that could interest him more than what lies behind that door.
Suguru opens it wide and remains still in front of the scene before his eyes.

Satoru is literally sleeping on his bed. He still wears his uniform and shoes, which gives rise to a slight hint of annoyance in Suguru (outside clothes and shoes on clean sheets? The audacity). Sunglasses hold back the white hair that would normally fall on his forehead and his cheeks are weirdly pink, maybe because of the heat in the small dark room. Getting closer, however, Suguru also notices darker marks, marks which looks exactly like the lines of his own pillow printed on Gojo's face. How long has he been here, exactly? The white hands resting on his stomach rise and lower following the rhythm of his breathing, calm and regular. But the thing that attracts his attention the most is undoubtedly his slightly parted lips; they seem so soft, of a pale pink that goes darkening towards the center and the inside of his mouth. It's not the first time they've distracted him, Suguru probably got lost looking at them so many times that he could draw them in any grimace possible, perfectly reproducing their marks, lines and curves.

What would touching them be like? Are they as soft as they seem? How do they taste?

Suguru sits in the small space next to Satoru’s body, and is really tempted to bring his fingers closer to his friend’s lips; due to the movement of the mattress, however, the older wakes up by surprise, automatically activating his technique and looking around bewildered. It takes him a few seconds to remember where he is and what is happening, but when his heavenly eyes meet Suguru's black ones, Satoru’s smile seems to light up the whole room.

“Suguru!”

Satoru smiles at him a few inches from his face and Suguru is forced to settle down better on the bed.

"It took you a lifetime to shower, so long that I fell asleep, not that I have to justify myself. You should try it too sometimes, look at those eye bags! Anyway, it's okay that you care a lot about your flowing hair but you shouldn't waste all that water you know? I thought we were environmentalists, Suguru!"

Suguru feels a number of contrasting sensations in hearing that irritating voice. First of all, he’s amazed by the amount of words that Satoru has already poured on him, wasn't he asleep until a second ago? Besides, half the things he said were to insult him. He's irritated, yes, but he missed him too much and can't help but smile even as he tries to hold back.

"Idiot, I haven't been in the shower all that time. Satoru, how long have you been here in my room? With your shoes on my bed?"

Satoru snorts as he moves to put his feet on the ground and take off the shoes making them fly across the room. He also takes off the jacket of the uniform, leaving it on the chair, remaining with a simple black shirt. He then reclines on the bed, looking at the door, crosses his legs and rests his back against the wall.

"Enough to bore me. What were you doing?"

Suguru followed his every move, especially the shoes flying disorderly on the floor. In doing so, he also notices a series of candy wrappers lying around the can under the desk. Not a single one has ended up inside, where they should be. He’s 100% sure Satoru made it on purpose, the only reason he could have missed the can is that his six eyes are broken or something like that, and of course they aren’t.
Gojo always did this, every time he entered his perfectly tidy room he left chaos, even if he passed by for a few minutes. And Suguru doesn't have the slightest intention of answering the question until he's sorted it all out.
He takes advantage of getting up to run his hair with the towel before hanging it up. Then he sits next to Satoru, with his legs crossed and his knee that could touch the older’s if only he wasn't literally untouchable.

"I was with Nanami," he simply says.

"Eeeeeeeh?!"

Satoru looks at him subtly before beginning to speak in his most annoying voice.

"And since when do you spend time with Nanami?! You’re an asshole, I was here waiting for you, and you were with Nanami? Do you prefer him to me now?"

Suguru snorts, making a bundle of dark hair fly from his forehead.

"Idiot. You've seen him too before, haven't you?"

It's not like he was sure, but it seems pretty likely given his last trade with the blonde. Gojo suddenly gets serious.

"Yes, of course, I stopped by to say hi. It was the first time I'd seen him since... Well, after Haibara. I don't think he's having a good time, but he wouldn't talk to me about it. Did he say anything to you?"

Suguru only manages to make a faint smile while torturing his abandoned hands between his legs.

"Nothing much. But I offered him a coke."

“What? And he accepted it? FROM YOU?”

They both laugh and Suguru nods in response.

“I think I’ve been gone for too long”

Then silence falls between the two. It's not an oppressive silence, it never is between them. Suguru has so many things to say, so many that he doesn't even know where to start. Of course, he's been waiting for this moment for weeks, but suddenly the idea of dropping all his complexes on Satoru doesn't seem right to him. Satoru is as exhausted as them all, if not more. If he can do even the slightest thing to make him feel better then this is the right time to do it, it doesn't matter if until the night before he was literally going crazy and would have swallowed one hundred goddamn curses in a row just to have five minutes to talk to him. Maybe he should start with something simpler.

“What are you doing at the institute, Satoru?”

“Oh well... Yaga told me that for the reported cases there were enough first-rate sorcerers already around. He told me to rest since it’s likely that I won’t have another whole night off soon. I feel like he had to fight with those shit old bags before he could get me back. You?”

Suguru immediately saw the dark circles surrounding his friend’s eyes, and as Satoru said, they're like the ones that sits under his own ones. Another reason why it's not worth dumping that boulder on the older, he already has enough to think about.

“Dunno, nobody called me so I came back.”

Is it just a coincidence, or did Yaga make sure they both had the same night off from any mission? Suguru has no idea but mentally thanks his teacher.
Satoru shrugs.

"I'm glad you're alive."

Suguru turns to his friend. Satoru is still looking at him smiling, and it’s a sincere smile, not a mocking one. Seeing Nanami like that probably shook him too, as much as he might try to hide it.

“I’m glad you’re alive too.”

It's so simple it should be obvious, but not for two special-level sorcerers. Satoru turns to the door and lets his head go against the wall in a sigh. Suddenly Suguru’s knee feels a weight, something that lowers it. It’s Gojo’s knee of course, covered by its black jeans but no longer enveloped by his technique. Satoru must have deactivated it, which is nothing new for Suguru, he simply didn't expect it, given the situation going on outside those four walls; but Satoru did it anyway, only to put his knee on his.
Suguru smiles, hoping to be hidden by the hair falling on his face.

“Suguru.”

He turns towards the voice, Satoru has his eyes closed and his hands dropped on his lap.

“What?”

“What do you feel?”

The question leaves him confused for a moment.

“What do you mean, Satoru?”

Gojo opens his eyes but turns them to the ceiling. He seems to be thinking about the most appropriate words to use.

“I mean... There are days when I’m so tired that I feel like I don’t feel anything anymore. It’s weird, I’m not used to not knowing what I’m feeling.”

Satoru is the kind of guy that wears his heart on his sleeves, he always expressed his emotions easily, so easily that Yaga, Shoko and Suguru himself had to yell at him several times because they could literally see what he was thinking (and when dealing with people like the higher ups that isn't something you want).

“And even when I feel something, it’s not pleasant. Missions bore me, exorcising curses is just a burden, being with other sorcerers gets on my nerves.”

Suguru nods, he perfectly understands what Satoru means even if for him the problem in recent months has been the opposite: he feels so many strong and contrasting emotions that he no longer has the slightest idea of which one could prevail over others.

“Do you feel that way now?”

The question comes out spontaneously from Suguru's lips. Maybe it’s a bit selfish, but he couldn't control himself. Even now, here with him, Gojo doesn't feel anything? If the answer is yes, it could very well be the end of him.
But Satoru gives him a confused and amused look.

“No, I’m definitely fine now.”

Suguru didn't realize he was holding his breath, the answer makes him feel relieved. At least he has the certainty that Satoru feels a little good with him, maybe not as much as the other way around but that doesn't matter. The only other time Suguru had managed to make some clarity, just for a brief moment, between his thoughts was when he had spoken with Tsukumo Yuki, but even that time he ended up being more confused than before once he was alone. She even agreed with him, didn't judge him for the horrible things he said. As liberating as talking to a complete stranger was, she wasn't the right person. /> Now, next to Satoru, Suguru feels calm for the first time in months. He also knows that this is like the calm before the storm, that all those obscene things are right around the corner, ready to pop out at any moment, but for once he manages not to explode, the peace that Gojo transmits him prevails over everything for now. Maybe it's that simple contact between their knees that helps, even if Suguru can't explain why. All he knows is that the skin under his grey pants seems to be exuding a strange warmth there.

“Anyway I asked you first.”

Satoru interrupts the silence again, his attention completely turned to Suguru who, however, doesn’t have the courage to cross those deep blue eyes. He’s afraid that a simple glance might reveal everything, after all it wouldn’t be the first time. But Suguru doesn't want to dump that weight on Satoru's shoulders or show him how rotten he really is inside.
He takes his time to think about the best response to give without sounding overly pretentious.

“Mmm... I do understand what you’re saying, I don’t have fun on missions anymore either. Perhaps it’s also being alone every damn time. But I wouldn’t say I don’t feel anything anymore, the more tired I get, the more everything seems to weigh ten times more than normal.”

Suguru laughs in an attempt to lighten what he just said. Totally lying would be counterproductive with Satoru, he always notices when he's lying.

“Overall, I’d say I’m mostly tired. There’s not much room for else at this time.”

Suguru turns to smile at him trying to appear convincing. Satoru looks at him with an expression far too serious for his taste, it seems as if he’s analyzing him inch by inch, making him feel naked.

“I understand.”

Did he believe that? No, maybe he’s just indulging him like he always does. Gojo, although being the only one able to lower all his defenses, only in a few cases had gone beyond a certain line.

“So you and Yuki just talked about how tired you are?”

It appears that this is one of those cases.
Suguru feels his breath stop again. He stares in astonishment at Satoru, he feels his cheeks burning and cannot make a sound come out of his mouth. What does Yuki have to do with it now? No, actually, first of all, how does Gojo know they've spoken? Does he know what they said? And… was it a note of jealousy that he heard in his voice?

“Don’t look at me like that, did you really think you could hide something? From me?”

Satoru smiles at him, although this time it seems... forced. Suguru doesn't know how to react, he has no idea what Satoru might know and it frightens him. Did he hear that? Was he there when he said out loud that the solution would be to kill every non sorcerer? Suguru hopes with all his heart that this is not the case.

“W-what would I have hidden from you?”

Satoru snorts before taking his head off the wall straightening up, he doesn’t even once take his eyes off Suguru.

“Well, for instance that you met another special-level sorcerer and that she was probably the last person you spoke to for more than five minutes straight.”

Suguru is even more confused now, he doesn't understand where Satoru is going.

“Can’t I talk to another special-level sorcerer?”

Satoru rolls his eyes and slaps his knee against his.

“That’s not the point, you idiot. What I mean is… just don’t try to give me the I'm tired story.”

The albino speaks softly, in a disarming way for Suguru who’s already quite confused.

“It’s just... well you don’t talk to anyone anymore, I’m surprised you spoke to Nanami tonight. And you don't eat, you don't sleep, you have the face of a guy who can barely stand up, but even when you finish missions early, you only come back late at night. Not to mention the number of cigar-”

“What does all this have to do with Yuki?”

Suguru doesn't understand a thing anymore. He doesn’t know how Satoru knows all those things, did he have him checked out? And by whom? Shoko and Yaga? Nanami (he laughs internally at the thought)? But why then? And he still can't connect Yuki to all of this.

“I'm just trying to say that if you two talked alone for an hour maybe you didn’t just tell her how tired you are, did you? Especially after weeks when you don’t speak to a living soul.”

Ok, so Satoru doesn't seem to know what they said. He’s just worrying about him, in a decidedly weird and even a little creepy way.

“Satoru, are you spying on me?”

Gojo laughs and winks at him. In another context he would have melted like ice cream in the sun.

“I have my sources.”

He smiles at Suguru, who’s still a bit confused and definitely shaken. His hands started trembling since he heard Yuki's name, his heart beats so fast that he can hear it coming up his throat.

“I’m sorry Suguru, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Satoru continues calmly.

A hand with long, tapered fingers goes to rest on the inside of Suguru’s thigh, not far from their joined knees. A thrill runs through his spine, Gojo’s touch seems to work once again, at least in making him breathe normally again.

“I know you, you wouldn’t tell me anything if I didn’t force you from time to time. I know you're not fine, it’s written all over your face. Can we talk about it?”

So that's all Gojo wants to know? Suguru still has in mind that weird note of jealousy he felt when hearing Yuki’s name coming out Satoru’s lips, but she doesn’t seem to be the focus of his attention. Which on the one hand makes Suguru feel decidedly relieved, on the other it also means that Satoru, as he feared, won’t give up easily on him. And it’s not that Suguru isn’t really tired, but they both know there’s a lot more to it.
The hand on his thigh and the contact with the older’s knee make him feel safe. Maybe he can let himself go, but to what extent?

“It’s not that I’m not tired,” Suguru begins speaking slowly, like he’s testing the water.
“And it’s true what I told you before, sometimes I’m so tired that the slightest thing drives me crazy. I feel like I have completely lost control of everything and… you know, I don’t like when things are out of my control.”

Suguru already needs a break. To have been able to say even these things in an understandable way leaves him almost astonished. He feels Satoru's eyes upon himself, but this time it doesn’t cause him any anguish. He is just waiting for him to continue, without rushing him. The thumb of his white hand began to slide down Suguru's leg, creating imaginary circles on which the younger tries to concentrate to find the words.

“It’s not that I don’t want to eat or sleep, I just can’t. And who am I supposed to talk to? You’ve seen Nanami too, he’s almost scarier than usual.”

Both cast a sad laugh at the thought of the blonde boy, but Suguru immediately continues.

“Yaga’s always busy, Shoko is too. Sometimes we smoke together but it’s not... I don’t know.”

Suguru would like to say that with Shoko it’s not the same as with Satoru, that only he could fully understand him. But he doesn’t, to do so would be to remind him that he’s never around anymore and Suguru knows that his friend is not to blame. He remains silent for a while, not knowing how far he can go. The peace he had found in seeing Satoru lying on his bed is slowly slipping away, giving space again to the unpleasant thoughts and feelings he now lives with on a daily basis.
It's not so much the fear of being judged by Gojo, he knows he would understand. But the idea of showing him how rotten he really is scares the hell out of him. The mere thought brings back to his mouth that taste of garbage that he only feels when swallowing cursed spirits.

“It’s not the same.”

It is Satoru who completes the thought for him. Suguru looks into his blue eyes while the albino smiles softly at him. He nods weakly not knowing what else to add.

“But I’m here now, aren’t I?”

Suguru just stares at him without knowing how to answer. It's true, Satoru is here now. The only person in the world he really needs is a few inches away from him, with a hand on his leg and his eyes fixed on him.

“Satoru I...” Suguru can’t stand his gaze, “I don’t want you to see how much I... suck. Because I do, I really suck and I know it but I can’t stop thinking horrible things and it’s driving me mad, I don’t know how to stop them.”

Suguru is almost frightened by the reaction his words might trigger but Gojo emits a kind of laughter that leaves him forbidden.

“Then don’t,” he simply says with a shrug, “Don’t stop them, Sugu. Let them all out, nobody fucking cares and if you think I care about this kind of things then maybe you’re more stupid than I thought.”

Suguru looks at him puzzled, not sure how to react to those words (but more importantly, at the nickname).

“What? I said horrible things to you too, didn't I? Remember what you told me around a year ago?”

The images come back to Suguru's mind vividly: he remembers perfectly Satoru’s empty gaze, a being so pure in front of all the filthy monsters (those weren’t even monkeys) around them. It was perhaps the only time he thought he had lost control, the only time Satoru had really scared him.
Suguru doesn't want to scare Satoru. He knows he won’t judge him, he knows he’s the only one able to understand even obscene thoughts like his, but he’s afraid he’s already gone too far; he’s afraid he’ll push him away now that they’re together again and he couldn't hold out much longer knowing he got away.
He still nods in response though.

“Sometimes I think I should have just done it, you know? But then I think of you, it was you who stopped me Suguru, remember? I don't know what could have happened if you hadn't been there with me. I probably suck as much as you do, and yet you were there then and you're here now. Do you really think I couldn't bear to hear you say such things out loud?”

Suguru turns, concentrating on his bent knees. Satoru understood the road his thoughts took throughout those months probably from the moment he laid his eyes on him, his last words are only confirming it.
The hand on his thigh now goes to rest on his one, abandoned on the dark blue sheets. It leaves an unpleasant feeling of emptiness , but the grip on his hand reminds him that Gojo is still there and won’t go anywhere. Satoru doesn't say anything anymore and doesn't seem willing to do so. The soft skin of his hand is warm, it’s pleasing as only a few things are still in Suguru's life.

He takes a deep breath, though trembling. He’s so full of emotions and unpleasant sensations that he feels them rise from his stomach until they stop in his throat. He feels heavy, as if pulled down by a force greater than himself. Suguru is afraid of losing control as has happened too many times in recent months, fear that only adds to everything else and makes things worse. It's as if a thick, dark fog is taking over his brain, making it even harder to think clearly.

“I can’t stand them anymore, Satoru.”

Suguru speaks in a whisper, words coming out of him without command. The only thing that’s keeping him anchored to himself is Satoru’s hand, without him he’d already be freaking out. He’s internally grateful, he would like to thank him aloud, but he’s just unable to.

Too much, everything's too much.

The presence of the older helps him not to lose all sense of himself, but at the same time what he feels sitting so close to him is just another sensation that adds to the vortex that’s dragging him down, drowning him.

“Just walking among them bothers me, looking them in the face and hearing their voices makes me want to vomit."

The taste of the cursed spirits he’s forced to swallow for them is still there on his tongue. Suguru's gaze is lost in front of him, he feels his eyes tingle but he doesn't pay much attention to what his body is doing, where it is or what it needs.

Calm down Suguru, calm down.

He tries but everything is pointless, he's not in control anymore. Who is then? He can't tell, everything’s so chaotic; voices overlap, images pop out and disappear as they please one after the other like a broken videocassette.

Where am I? Am I still at the institute? Am I in Tokyo? Is that Haibara in front of me? Or is it Riko?

“I can’t take it anymore. I no longer know what I’m doing, for whom I’m doing it, for what purpose.”

It’s as if he’s alienated himself, his mouth seems to have come to life and spits words upon words without Suguru being able to hold them back. He’s not even sure what he’s saying is understandable now, between a hiccup and another.

When did I start crying? I don’t want to cry in front of Satoru. Is he still here?

“Do you want to know what I told Yuki? I told her... I said maybe the solution would be to exterminate them all.”

Maybe he's screaming, but let the others hear him. What else did he say to Yuki? A tiny part of him remembers something about a race... yes, a marathon!

“I told her I feel like I’m running an endless marathon but at the finish line now I see Haibara standing there. And Riko. And all the other people we will never see again.”

It’s as if they’re really there, in front of him, making those two names out loud only makes their absence more real. Guilt, grief, anger, it's all there in Suguru's chest. He tightens his shirt with his free hand, right where he’s being stabbed, where all those feelings are concentrating and hurt, it’s like being separated in two by a chainsaw.

Pain. I’m in pain. Why isn’t anyone helping me?

“Does it make sense to die for them? Is it a fair death? I don't know how to answer that question anymore. I don't... I don't know who I am anymore. I don’t know how not to feel like this unless I stop living too. ”

Maybe it’ll be better if I die, maybe all of this pain will finally stop. Maybe I can see them one more time.

Suguru is now crying desperately, his free hand clutching the black hair falling on his face. He’s a real mess, but that’s the last of his thoughts. Suguru no longer recognizes himself, even though he has finally given voice to what has been going on in his mind for months, he’s more lost than ever. He can’t even recall what he’s said or what he’s just thought, it’s all dark and suffocating, there are no more colors around him, he can't even distinguish the familiar walls of his room. The hiccups are so strong that he has the urge to vomit, but even that doesn't seem to want to come out of him, probably ‘cause he doesn't have much to regurgitate.

I just want this to stop. How do I stop this?

He can't calm down in any way, he has no idea how to do it, no part of him seems to be willing to make use of his reason. Only an endless series of words and images flow in his head without a precise meaning, they don’t give him any rest and just the thought of formulating a sentence seems impossible at the moment. Maybe he’s mumbling something but he doesn’t really know for sure. Even breathing is an immense effort his lungs make for sheer survival instinct.

Air. I need air. Why’s everything so dark?

Suguru no longer feels anything outside his body, as if he had ended up in a black hole and was sinking deeper and deeper. It isn’t an unknown feeling for him; sometimes, on those dark and lonely nights, letting himself drown seemed the only right thing to do. Maybe there’s something better at the end of that abyss, maybe that’s the only finish he’ll arrive at after a marathon that’s too strenuous and not worth running anymore.

Help. Please, please, please, can someone help me?

Suddenly, however, in the middle of that emptiness Suguru hears something. There’s a hand that has never moved from his, but now it’s squeezing his harder and it's as if it’s bringing him back, towards the surface.
He doesn't stop crying and still can't get a single sound out of his vocal cords, but at least he seems to recognize where he is. It’s like when, as a child, you do everything you can to resist as long as possible with your head underwater: while you’re in apnea, you forget what’s outside, in the water there’s only silence, there’s only your suspended and lighter body, floating and moving slowly; then suddenly you can’t take it anymore and you get out, cold air hitting your cheeks and noises filling your ears again; you remember there's still a world out there, revolving on itself like it usually does.
Suguru feels that way right now; all of a sudden he senses again the bed beneath him, the crumpled blankets under his bare feet, the cold wall on which he’s leaning. And then he turns around and he sees him, illuminated only by the faint light coming through the little window above their heads.

Is there a light? Is this the end?

Satoru is moving his lips but Suguru can’t make out any sound, he just can’t decipher his friend’s words. But he’s so beautiful that for a moment Satoru’s face is the only thing that fills his mind; his hair as white as snow covers his forehead and spreads without following a precise direction, his white eyelashes perfectly surround his heavenly eyes that almost seem to shine and... are those tears? Is Satoru crying? Suguru sees it, he sees that indeed his pale cheeks are streaked but it’s as if he doesn’t understand the reason.

Why is Satoru crying? Is it my fault? Did I say something bad to him?

Suguru couldn't forgive himself, but he can't remember exactly what he said a few moments ago. Gojo's lips keep moving and now some of those sounds seem to make sense. It's only when both Satoru's hands grab him by the shoulders that he finally comes out of the atrocious state he's in.

“Suguru! Please, Suguru calm down. Please!”

Now he can clearly hear his best friend's voice. He seems desperate. Suguru looks him in the eye, Satoru is kneeling right in front of him and is still shaking him. He allows his lungs to work normally again, but it still takes him a moment to fully recover. The only thing he can do, with difficulty, is move his hands on Satoru’s arms, hoping it will make him realize he’s coming to his senses. His feet, covered almost to the tip by the grey suit, are crushed under Gojo's knees, but that doesn't bother him at all, on the contrary; it's as if they were holding him still and preventing him from falling again.

“S-satoru... so... s-sorry”

Suguru regains control of his body, his hands going to dry Gojo's cheeks. It's like being able to move a limb after it has fallen asleep, it moves slowly and with difficulty, but at least now he can feel his muscles respond to the stimuli he wants, they don't act on their own anymore.

“S-sorry... Satoru I-I’m s-so sorry... I didn’t mean to ma-make you c-cry… I-I d-don’t know what happened... I’m r-really sorry”

He knows what happened, it happened exactly what Suguru didn’t want, he lost control and scared the only person he really cares about, probably the only person who cares about him by the way. Or cared.
Suguru's rough fingers continue to stroke the older’s cheeks, occasionally moving a few white tufts off his face to get a better look at him.
Satoru closes his eyes and slightly tilts his head, pressing his face against Suguru's hand, leaning in his touch. It’s an almost imperceptible move but it’s enough to calm Suguru down definitively, to make him understand that he won’t go anywhere as promised. Only after taking a few deep breaths Gojo opens his eyes and looks at him with an unexpected, disarming sweetness, which Suguru definitely doesn't think he deserves.

“I’m sorry Suguru, I pushed you into all this and then I started crying like a baby. I just wasn't ready for... well, everything. I mean, I expected it but it was tougher than I thought.”

Satoru gives him a faint smile. Suguru still doesn't remember exactly what he might have said to upset his best friend, but it’s not the first time he's had some sort of blackout after those... crises? It's not like he's ever been able to give them a more appropriate name.
But this time it's different; he's seriously worried about Satoru, even though he's not crying anymore, and yet for once he feels lighter, he doesn't know how to explain it. That’s probably the difference between talking to a stranger and talking to the only being in the world he truly loves.
Suguru instinctively spreads his legs to make room for Satoru there in the middle, guiding him with his hands that he doesn’t intend to detach for even a millisecond from him. Satoru settles down with his head resting on his chest and Suguru holds him to himself as he’s never done before. He's there for real, he didn't run away (although he wouldn't blame him if he suddenly started to), it's not just happening in his head. Suguru can feel the warmth of Satoru's body, his breathing, his arms tangled around his waist. It's nice to feel things around him again, like a white canvas that is gradually filled with lines, contours and then colours.

“Satoru I-I didn’t want to scare you. I'm so s-sorry, I lost it. I hate to admit it b-but it's not the first time I've... I don't know what's happening to me. I just didn’t think it could happen with you here.”

Suguru is finally able to speak without too much trouble, even if he does so really slowly.
No matter how hard he tries, he can't remember what he might have said. The feeling of having lost every single part of himself is still vivid, but the presence of the older reminds him that everything is going to be fine. Satoru looks really small right now, as he huddles against Suguru's body.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Suguru.”

He speaks softly and looks like a child. And to think that he’s the strongest living being in the universe known to them.

“Satoru, it’s not your fault.”

Suguru's fingers run through the soft hair of the older with a delicacy he didn't think he had, as if he were afraid to break the creature lying on top of him.
It's absurd that his mere closeness is having this effect on him, that just seeing and hearing him has calmed him down in that way.

“It probably would have happened anyway,” continues Suguru. He has to understand that, he has to know that he’s not in any way responsible for those horrible things. Rather, he’s responsible for the heat that’s expanding in him starting from the chest that until recently hurt him.

“Suguru”

Satoru calls him in a faint voice. He bends his head slightly to look at him and feels that Gojo's head has also risen in his direction.

“Tell me.”

Satoru opens his mouth but not a word comes out. He swallows loudly and must take another deep breath before he can speak. Tears form in the corners of his eyes and Suguru is immediately alarmed.

“Satoru what...”

“P-please... please don’t ever say again it would be better for you to die.”

Oh.

Now this explains everything. Suguru can't remember his exact words, but that's probably the thing that really shook his friend.

“S-Satoru I-I... sorry.”

As much as they both wish to remain so close to each other, Satoru straightens up and sits in front of him, his long legs wedged underneath those of the younger.

“Stop apologizing.”

Satoru smiles even though the tears are still falling.

“I know it’s selfish to tell you such a thing. I know, I really do. Unfortunately, I can’t know exactly what you have experienced or are experiencing, I can’t be sure that continuing to live like this is better than dying.”

Suguru looks at him without saying a word and without moving a muscle, he wants to give him as much time and space as he can to speak as Satoru did to him.
Gojo looks at their tangled legs before reaching his long black hair, stopping at the back of his head.

“Suguru, I don’t give a shit how horrible the things you say are, but I couldn’t bear to hear you say something like that again.”

The decision with which he pronounces these words contrasts with his face streaked with tears. And yet his eyes are truly sincere. For a moment guilt again crosses Suguru's body, settling down in his gut. He never thought how much it would hurt Satoru if those instincts happened to get the better of him.

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop it.”

Satoru looks at him almost angrily, and Suguru knows that he has understood what direction his inner monologue is taking. He can't help but think he’s adorable with pink cheeks and the tip of his nose reddened by crying. He nods decisively in response: even if he’s the prettiest man alive in this condition, he can no more make Satoru cry.

“Thank you. Now I've lost track of my thoughts... Ah, yeah. Suguru, the fact is that it’s hard enough for me not to see you every day.”

His heart begins to beat madly at these words and he's also pretty sure he's blushing but still remains silent.

“The idea that sooner or later I would run into you just for a few minutes here at the institute is the only thing that kept me going. If something were to happen to you I... I don’t think I would hold out for long honestly. We can handle everything else together, as we always do, but please, don’t go anywhere without me.”

Suguru nods as he feels new tears fill his dark eyes, but this time it's different. What did he do to deserve such a creature? He doesn't have the slightest idea, but he thanks whatever divine entity has led them to cross paths.
Satoru gently pushes Suguru's head against his own, so that their foreheads can touch.
They both close their eyes and stay like this for a while, breathing in each other. Suguru for the first time in almost a year has no thoughts in his head. He feels his limbs softening, his chest lighter, the skin hot where it meets Satoru's. He’s finally fucking fine, there’s nothing more to add.

“Suguru”

“Mmmh?”

“You’re my one and only, you know that?”

Suguru smiles, a real, sincere smile. Everything in the world seems to finally be in its right place, but he doesn't care much about the world. Being there, with Satoru so close to him, is the only thing that matters. And hearing those simple words makes him lose a heartbeat or maybe two. Now he’s sure he’s blushed, but that’s not important either, Satoru has seen him in a much worse state than that.
Maybe they both always knew, surely they knew there was something much deeper between them than mere friendship. Suguru has never been able to give a name to what he feels every time he sees Satoru, a name for the fact that he’s so dependent on him or for the fact that he has a physical need to be close to him in order to survive. He feels like that plant he heard of in one of Shoko’s crappy tv series (he’s a liar, he loved every episode, he just doesn’t want to admit it), like a tree that can only survive by growing around another larger tree. Suguru’s not sure it's love, but only because he's never been in love before. Calling it love though seems almost reductive to him: he feels like he belongs to Satoru, like he was his even before he came into the world, perhaps even in a past life, even if they happened to be in different bodies.

Suguru's hand moves over the older’s cheek, who as before tilts his head just to let himself go in that gentle touch, as if he could melt between his fingers. The forefinger of the free hand instead lifts Satoru’s chin, while the thumb runs over his lower lip. It’s really soft as Suguru expected, perhaps the best thing his skin have ever had the pleasure of touching. Satoru keeps his eyes closed, Suguru is watching him, studying every tiny movement to imprint them on his head and never forget them. He is simply magnificent, he is perfection made to man.

“Satoru”

The boy named blinks a couple of times before finding Suguru's deep, dark eyes. His lips are parted, his breath breaks on Suguru's thumb, which continues to slide from right to left. The younger is so hypnotized by Satoru's lips that seems to forget what he wanted to say.

“You don’t need to ask, dumbass.”

For a second those words bring Suguru back to reality. Unbelievable, Satoru is making fun of him even at a time like this.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re ruining even a moment like this.”

Satoru laughs, a real laugh that echoes throughout the room and rumbles in Suguru's bones.

“It’s not my fault! You’re taking a lifetime!”

“Just shut the fuck up.”

“Language, Suguru.”

The dark-haired boy strengthens his grip on Satoru's face, observing those pink lips once more before falling into them without thinking twice. And maybe it's not normal to kiss immediately after confessing your worst nightmares, with eyes still red from crying and wet cheeks, but when did one of them ever care about what's normal for the others?

First contact is a real disaster, it's almost like the body-to-body training they did in their first year. Neither of them has any idea what to do, teeth clash and hands move frantically, like they’re checking if the other is really there, if this is really happening. After this first exploration, however, they seem to find a balance. Satoru's white fingers are wedged between Suguru's black hair, his instead went down on the older’s hips, somehow in that chaos ended up on his skin, under his black shirt.

Satoru, feeling his rough hands on him, arches his back, opening his lips the little more that’s enough to make Suguru's fit perfectly. Now it’s definitely nice, despite the strong grip they both have on each other they proceed calmly. Suguru feels completely new sensations and for the first time it’s like he's able to wash even the dirt inside of him. If he were to describe it, he would immediately think of his childhood, when his mother made him hot milk and honey every time he got sick: when he was little the drink (categorically drunk from his favorite mug, the one with Simba printed on it because he’s a real 90’s kid) made him feel better immediately (and maybe, but only maybe, it was because his lovely mom made sure to make him take the lousy medicine that way); in the same way now the warmth that Satoru transmits to him is expanding for every inch of his body, healing him, cleaning him of the dirt accumulated in all those months. If he used to feel himself sinking, now he feels like he's floating on top of the bed.

Their breaths, ever faster and more laborious, mix and become a whole just as their bodies are, intertwined, searching for every possible point of contact.
Satoru is the first to break off to catch his breath, but he remains a few inches from Suguru's face, holding him tight, perhaps not to let him escape again.

“We should have done this a long time ago.”

Gojo is the first to speak, looking him straight in the eye with an amused smile on his face.
Suguru nods, he still feels intoxicated by all those emotions and falls on Satoru's shoulder who greets him with a laugh.

“You’re a giant baby.”

He just leaves a weak punch on his chest in protest before closing his eyes, letting himself be cradled by Satoru for a few minutes; he’s undoubtedly tired, having felt all those things in one night is definitely exhausting. But he doesn't wanna sleep, he just feels extremely relaxed and that’s enough.
Suddenly a thought crosses his mind and with a grin he rises to look Satoru in the eyes. He seems confused by the sudden change of expression.

“What are you doing with that face now?”

“Nothing, I was just thinking about what you said earlier.”

Satoru seems worried for a moment, but Suguru takes his hands, leaves a kiss on his knuckles and smiles to let him know that everything’s fine.

“It’s no big deal, don’t worry. I was just wondering if you were by any chance jealous of Yuki.”

Suguru knows he has scored when he sees Satoru's neck turn red, a redness that reaches the tip of his ears within seconds. He thinks he’s adorable as the other looks away and starts babbling to justify himself.

“M-me? Oh, come on! Why would I? Don’t be so self-centred now, Geto!”

“Geto?”

“Yep, Geto.”

Satoru snatches his hands from the raven's ones to cross them at his chest and turn towards the head of the bed. That sulking is pretty familiar to Suguru, it's the one he does when he's caught doing something he shouldn't (like spying on Yaga's phone or hiding Shoko’s cigarettes literally driving her crazy for an entire afternoon).

“And I’d be the giant baby."

Suguru tries to stroke his cheek, but Satoru avoids him by turning his head the other way. All he has left to do is attack. With an unexpected thrust, Suguru disengages his legs from the older’s and wraps his arms around his waist, catching him by surprise. From the new position he manages to hold him still before throwing himself and the other on their side, with their heads ending on his pillow.

“Suguru!”

But the protests are futile; Suguru grabs Satoru's wrists and sits on top of him to hold him steady with his legs. Then he starts tickling his hips, where he knows the older one can't resist. He touches him under his shirt, happy to be able to regain contact with that white, smooth skin. Satoru laughs and tries to free himself, but in vain, he just wiggles like a fish out of the water without getting any result. Probably the whole institute hears his laughter, but neither of them cares, Suguru honestly couldn’t give a damn; he just needs to see him and hear him laugh because of him again and again.

“Sugu! P-p-please... stop!”

“Huh, now I’m Sugu again? Answer my question and I’ll stop.”

Satoru tries to give him a nasty gaze but it’s impossible, he has tears in the corners of his eyes and smiles though he’s obviously trying to look angry.

“Okay! Yes, I was jealous of Yuki! Happy now?”

Suguru stops immediately, raises his arms as if token of surrender and smiles at him.

“Very happy, thank you.”

Satoru regains his breath, lying under him with his white hair scattered on the pillow. Suguru could spend hours watching him without ever getting tired and, indeed, always finding new details to fall in love with. But he's not done yet.

“And why were you jealous, Satoruuu?”

He knows that the albino bothers when he chants his name in that way, in fact the other snorts and covers his face with his arms, mumbling something.

“I don’t understand a thing if you talk like that.”

One more puff. Suguru grabs him by the wrists and forces him to free his face.

“I said I wanted to be there.”

Suguru's heart plunges. He thought it was just childish jealousy, like the only special-level sorcerer who can talk to him had to be just him or something like that. Instead, when Satoru tries to speak again, there’s a slight veil of sadness in his eyes.

“I wanted to be there, to ask you how you were and get an answer before anyone else. I know it’s stupid and childish and selfish, I was actually happy when they told me you’d finally talked to someone but...”

“About that, Satoru you’re creepy, how do you know all these things?”

“Quit asking, not important,” he gives off a slight laugh before continuing.
“However, I wanted to be in her place, that’s all. For weeks, I hoped to run into you even for five minutes, but every time I came back, you were on a mission. It was terrible, you have no idea how much I missed you.”

Now Suguru's heart seems to want to explode. He’s little envious of Satoru, he always seems to know exactly what to say and how to do it, naturally. But it’s a feeling that lasts only a few seconds, there’s much more to focus on now.

“It wasn’t your fault, you know? It wasn’t you who chose not to be there, it just happened.”

Suguru's hand strokes his cheek and Satoru takes a deep breath at the touch.

“I know. Sometimes, though, I still feel guilty. I know it's not up to me and I usually try not to give it weight. But some nights it’s harder than usual.”

Suguru nods knowing exactly what he means. Given what's happened, he can't really throw out there advices on emotional control, and he doesn't even want to. But he can say at least one thing, taking up the older’s words of only a dozen minutes (or an hour? Could easily be both for how much he knows) earlier.

“You’re here now, aren’t you? Everything else doesn’t matter.”

Satoru's eyes snap and get caught in his. He seems to think about those words for a few seconds before smiling again.

“Yes. We’re here now.”

Suguru seems only now to realize their position. He’s above Satoru, his legs holding still those of the albino even though both are now motionless, a hand on his side since he stopped tickling him. Satoru is simply gorgeous, the white tufts scattered on the pillow below him, the sincere smile on those pink lips and the skin so white it seems to disappear at any moment. Suguru lowers slowly towards his face, black hair falling forward tickling Satoru's cheeks as he giggles. He leaves kisses all over his face and he’s never felt more grateful to whatever great entity exists out there for this opportunity: being able to kiss Satoru, to touch him, to feel him underneath his body is the best thing that ever happened to him.

“Someday I’ll buy you some hairclips,” Satoru says as he fixes Suguru’s hair behind his ears, letting his fingers linger for a while around the dilator and then on his nape.
Suguru raises a confused eyebrow as he tilts his head backwards to look him in the eye.

“You know, those clips little girls or kids put on to hold their hair back. Pretty ones with glitter or animals printed on them. I’m quite sure Shoko has a pair she only puts on when she thinks no one will see her.”

“First of all, you’re a stalker”

“Hey! I just care about my friends.”

“Yeah yeah, whatev,” snorts Suguru a few inches from his face, thinking that maybe the word friends doesn’t exactly suit their situation anymore.

“Second thing, you’ll never see me wearing something like that,” which is a lie, he can never say no to Satoru and they both know this.

“But you’d look great!” Satoru whines.
“You know which ones would be perfect? Those with white beads, they’d suit your black ha-“

Suguru silences him by kissing him again. This time he does it calmly, like they have all the time in the world. He kisses him softly, giving all his attention first to his lower lip, eventually biting it gently and slipping back between Satoru's lips. It's different from the first kiss, as slow as it is (or maybe because of that) Suguru seems to be on fire. The warmth of earlier is replaced by the feeling of boiling lava that goes to accumulate in his guts in a pleasant way.

Both of Gojo's hands are in his hair, scratching on his scalp and sometimes ending up pulling a few locks slightly but even that feels nice. It's all so new that it's hard to understand what's really going on, Suguru just follows what his body wants to do, thinking too much would be counterproductive. He leaves a kiss on Satoru's lower lip before descending, following the line of his jaw to the neck. Satoru tilts his head back on the cushion to give him more space and Suguru continues to his Adam’s apple and then reaches the clavicle that emerges from the black shirt which stops his path.

He wants to go on, he wants to go down and kiss Satoru's whole body to thank him, to make him understand how much he loves every inch of him, but he doesn't want to go too far without his permission. Suguru looks back at the other boy’s face, red lips parted as if looking for air and heavenly eyes pointed at him. But this time there’s something different. Those familiar eyes are bright but not because of the sadness from what happened before, they’re sweet but at the same time almost... imploring?
Before Suguru can actually ask if everything is okay, Satoru's voice reaches him in a whisper.

“Please, don’t stop”

Suguru is overwhelmed by the demand, it’s exactly what he wants most in the world right now but remains paralysed for a few seconds. These words settles in his stomach, he feels almost drunk because of all the images that come to his mind, of all the times he thought he could only fantasize about such a moment. But Satoru's eyes are fixed on him and he can't keep them waiting long.

The position is no longer the best to fulfill the request, but in trying to settle between Satoru's legs it’s as if a shock hit both boys. The friction between their pelvis has a decidedly worse effect on Suguru, but only because the fabric of the grey suit allows him more contact than Satoru's jeans. Geto is forced to stop again, now sitting between Gojo’s legs while the latter also seems to be pleasantly surprised. But even this time the wait doesn’t last long; as heavy as his breathing has gotten and even if it’s becoming hard to ignore the growing erection in his pants, Suguru moves his hands under Satoru’s black shirt and lets them discover his pale torso. He doesn’t dwell too much to observe him, it would be a torture for his nerves, and stretches out to leave another kiss just under the clavicle, on the albino’s chest. He starts again from where he left off, mouth opened kisses becoming more and more wet as Suguru descends towards Satoru’s defined abdomen. The older now has his eyes closed and sighs heavily every time Suguru’s lips touch him.

He doesn’t know what drives him to do it, maybe even this was one of his fantasies in the first two years of high school, or maybe it’s just a kind of instinct but suddenly Suguru’s total attention is turned to the other’s two nipples, so close to his face that they can’t be ignored. Suguru dares to kiss the one on the right while with his fingers he also reaches the other one. Satoru's reaction is instantaneous, from his lips comes a faint groan, his back archs slightly as if to meet Suguru's mouth and the boy can only indulge him.

Suguru really has no idea what he's doing, he never thought he'd end up in a situation like this, especially after everything that's just happened. Yet everything seems so right to him: Satoru arching underneath his body, limbs stuck in each other, sounds and breaths mingling. There’s nothing wrong with it, there’s nothing in the world he’d like more to keep touching and kissing Satoru. He doesn’t know how far the older is willing to go and even if he suddenly decides to stop it wouldn’t be a problem, the only thing that matters is to make him feel good and Suguru would do anything to achieve this goal. He memorizes every single whimper or moan that comes out of Satoru’s lips, he observes the slightest twitch of his body in an attempt to understand what to do, how to move forward to make him feel even better. Even being used would suit him right now, although he knows very well that Satoru would never do it: he's too good, too kind, too perfect.

A particularly strong roll of his tongue around Satoru’s right nipple makes him moan a bit louder and the hand in his black hair tightens so much that Suguru has to detach from his skin. Is this really that good? Suguru has no clue, he never even thought that touching his or someone else’s chest like this could be nice.

“I-I... Sorry, Sugu”

Satoru is literally panting, his chest rising and falling fast as if he had just made a run around the institute.

“Don’t apologise, dumbass”

The older’s cheeks are of an intense pink and that makes him even prettier. And hot. Suguru cannot lie to himself, Satoru is fucking hot.

“You’re hot”

Words come out of his mouth as soon as the thought crosses his head. They both widen their eyes instantly, as if that was the strangest thing Suguru has said tonight. The pink on Satoru's cheeks immediately turns to tomato red and the boy covers his face with his arms making Suguru laugh.

“What are you doing?”

“Why did you say that?!”

“Oh c’mon, don’t act like you haven’t bragged about being the strongest and more handsome sorcerer for three years now!”

“That’s different!” but he’s smiling too under his arms.

“How is it different?”

“You said hot”

“Yeah, I did”

“That’s different”

Suguru wraps his fingers around the wrists of the boy below him, gently moving his arms away from his face.

“If it’s the word hot that bothers you, I can use something else,” he says, leaning over slowly to leave a kiss on the tip of his nose.

“For example I can say you’re beautiful” a kiss on his left cheek.

“Or handsome” a kiss on his right cheek.

“Or perfect” one on the forehead.

“Or a fucking work of art,” Suguru says before connecting their lips again and again, slowly but at the same time forcefully, as if their lives depended on this kiss, and maybe they do. And when their tongues clash it’s even better than the first and the second time if possible.

“I didn’t know you were so cheesy, Suguru,” Satoru says when detaching looking for air.

“Neither did I”

They both laugh while long pale fingers still fix Suguru's hair behind her ears. God, he missed the way Satoru does it, delicately, as if he were handling a porcelain doll.

“You’re beautiful too,” he adds after a while. His hands trace every inch of the younger’s face, as if they wanted to memorize it themselves. Suguru lets him do it, he feels his cheeks burn for the compliment but decides to ignore it and just leans in his touch. Satoru’s thumb slides on his lower lip just like Suguru’s one did before, and he suddenly feels the need to kiss it or maybe even more. He closes his lips around it and hears Satoru gasping when his tongue comes into contact with the finger, even if just for a second or two. It’s Satoru who pushes his thumb almost completely into his mouth, pressing it on his tongue the moment he finds it. His heavenly eyes are fixed on his mouth, on what, perhaps unconsciously, they’re both doing. When the finger comes back on its lower lip it’s wet and running again from right to left ends up moistening that too.

This time it is Satoru who slings on Suguru's lips forcefully, kissing him frantically in a mixture of drool and laboured breaths. His long fingers move all over Suguru's body, tuck under the wide white shirt and reach every inch of skin possible, from back to chest. Suddenly Suguru feels the shirt lift and the two detach only enough time for Satoru to take it off and throw it on the floor. Only after exploring far and wide the two hands fix themselves on his hips, leading him to stoop on his pelvis. Another shock hits them and this time Suguru can’t hold back a groan at the touch. They just keep kissing, moaning on each other’s lips as they both thrust their hips in search of that pleasant shake over and over again.

While probably both could continue like this without going any further, Suguru has much more in mind and gathers all the strength he has in his body to stop from grinding Satoru’s erection. He reluctantly detaches, but his hands immediately move towards the other’s pants. He stops only to look at Satoru's face in search for any sign that could tell him to stop, not to go any further. Satoru instead nods vehemently, still with the imploring look Suguru saw just before starting whatever it is they're doing. And Suguru could never deny anything to those eyes. His hands rush to undo his pants and take them off, while Satoru gets rid of his shirt by himself. For once in his life Suguru doesn't even think about the clothes falling disorderly on the floor of his room.

The tip of his hard cock is visible from the elastic of the stretched black boxer. At first, Suguru limits himself to just palming it through the fabric, leaning again against Satoru’s neck. This time he doesn’t just kiss him there, he starts sucking on his pale skin. Suguru had imagined marking that white neck several times, he had often found himself thinking about how sensitive Satoru's skin must be and how easy it would be to leave marks on it. And in fact, within seconds the skin turns a dark red, almost purplish. Seeing that mark there, in plain sight, sends another shock to Suguru as he passes his thumb over the skin abused by his own mouth. Being able to do something like that, being able to mark Satoru as his own and nobody else's somehow makes him feel even better, as if he wasn't literally in heaven already.

“S-Suguru”

His name escapes Satoru’s lips in a pleading tone. Suguru was so focused on marking Satoru to have almost forgotten the hand pressed firmly on the other’s erection, and the older apparently has already started rocking his hips against it, demanding for more. At every thrust against his hand a new moan escapes Satoru’s mouth, even if, judging by his face and the way he’s biting his bottom lip, he’s trying as much as he can to hold back.

Suguru hastens to remove the boxers, completely freeing his length. He would almost smile at the realization that yes, even his pubic hair is white (it’s a question that tortured him for three years), but maybe laugh at someone’s cock isn’t exactly polite or nice, so he doesn’t. Perhaps he has been enchanted for too long because a petulant whine reaches his ears.

“Sugu, please”

His dark eyes cross Satoru's blue ones, the boy now completely naked under him. He’s just perfect, every inch of him is and he can’t really fake to be sorry to have been staring at that body, it’s something he could do for a lifetime.

“Please what?” he grins nodding at Satoru.

Another whine comes out of him as he stomps his feet on the mattress. This isn’t even surprising.

“Please do something!”

Suguru snorts.

“Something like...?”

“Anything, literally anything other than staring like a creep and doing nothing”

Although Suguru himself is going crazy right now, teasing Satoru has always been fun. Of course, he didn’t knew it could be fun even in this kind of situation.

“Could you be a little more specific?”

Satoru groans this time, lifting his hips evidently looking for any friction. Suddenly, however, his gaze becomes more serious and Suguru remains almost dislocated in observing the rapid change of expression. Satoru grins in turn, with the help of one elbow he raises his torso while with the other hand reaches Suguru’s nape to lower him to his own level. Satoru slowly approaches his ear, teasing with his tongue around the dilator and Suguru can feel his own cock twitch in his pants.

“Please, Sugu, touch me”

A shiver runs through his spine, it’s as if every cell of Suguru had been crossed by an electric shock and he can’t help but groan, crushing again onto Satoru’s damned lips. The audacity of this motherfucker.
The kiss leads Satoru to lie down again and Suguru’s mouth leaves the other’s quickly, leaving sloppy and wet kisses all over his body, marking his skin here and there, until he finds himself with his head literally wedged between his legs. Satoru’s dick stands right there, only a few inches from his face, drops of precum that begin to descend slowly over its entire length and Suguru finds himself overwhelmed by his own thoughts, by the sudden need to take it entirely in his mouth. The only idea makes him even harder if possible, but despite the physical need to surround the other with his own lips, Suguru strives to proceed calmly; this time it’s not like he really wants to tease the older, he just doesn’t want his total lack of experience to turn into something unpleasant for Satoru. For at least two years he fantasized countless times about situations like this, he could create a film with all the variants, dialogues and settings he imagined over time and, now that he has the opportunity to do something for Satoru, he doesn’t want to fuck it up.

“Hey, I can hear you overthinking”

Satoru’s voice reaches him again. He’s looking at him, head raised slightly to cross his dark eyes. It’s clear that he’s on edge, red cheeks and shiny eyes are proofs of that, but there’s no sign of mockery or malice on his face; the smile that addresses him is perhaps one of the sweetest and warmest Suguru has ever seen, it’s even more overwhelming of the thoughts that against his will had begun to run through his head.

“You don’t have to do anything, Sugu, I was just teasing before,” the albino adds.

Suguru knows this, he knows perfectly well that he doesn't have to do anything but he wants it with all of himself, if he could fulfill any of Satoru's wishes he would go to the ends of the world to do it.

“We can jus-“

Satoru is cut off by Suguru’s lips finally landing on his dick. He still doesn’t want to fuck this all up, so he starts leaving languid kisses all over his length, slowly. Satoru seems to melt with each one of them, his pale fingers clasping the blue sheets in an obvious attempt to anchor himself to the bed and not start pushing his hips towards the raven’s face.
Precum slips even more out of him, reaching for the first time Suguru’s mouth; it’s weird, undoubtedly it’s not something that someone would drink for breakfast, but the only idea that it’s Satoru’s makes him want it more and more and more. Suguru detaches for a few seconds, just the time to take with his teeth the hair tie from his wrist and collect his hair in the usual bun, his bangs still hanging on the forehead but that’s still better than nothing. Satoru doesn’t take his eyes off him even for a second, lips slightly parted and the tip of his tongue visible, resting on his bottom lip. He’s panting but doesn’t seem intent on rushing things like a few minutes before. Suguru however doesn’t make him wait for real this time, with his own hand envelops the base of his cock by now totally wet and then leans forward to rest his lips on the red tip. He teases around it with his tongue, licking and collecting until the last drop of precum he succeeds.

“Oh my god, S-suguru”

His name. His fucking name pronounced between a groan and another is perhaps the best thing he’s ever heard, it’s literally heavenly for how unholy this whole situation is. At first Suguru really doesn’t look up at Satoru’s face, he’s too focused on taking as much as he can of his dick in his mouth, careful not to touch it with his teeth. He knows he's doing everything really slowly and is internally grateful to Satoru who’s keeping any pelvic movement to a minimum despite being clearly tested by the effort. Suguru begins to move only when he’s sure that he won’t harm the other in any way. Of course at the beginning he moves without a precise rhythm, but the further he goes the more he can find a nice pace, also trying to coordinate the movement of his hand that has remained still until now. Only when he’s sure of what he’s doing does he dare to raise his eyes on Satoru and maybe he shouldn't have because now he can clearly sense wetness even in his stretched boxers. Satoru’s face is something spectacular: wrinkled eyebrows, eyes fluttering and tongue slightly lolling out of his mouth; this all makes Suguru want to kiss him until their lips hurt or the sun rises. His back is arched but he’s still anchored to the sheets, the knuckles even whiter than usual because of how much he’s tightening them. Not to mention the sounds he's making, Suguru couldn't even describe them. Satoru’s always been a loud person, and of course he’s loud even in bed. And he’s loud for him.
Suguru’s free hand rests on the other’s one, clenched around the sheets, freeing its fingers in the hope he understands that he can let himself go now. The albino seems to hold back still for a moment before raising his hips to meet Suguru’s mouth.

“Fuck fuck fuck, holy shit” Satoru groans.

A push a little stronger than the others makes Suguru gasp and for a second Satoru seems to want to stop. Truth is that Suguru isn’t even a little sorry; feeling Satoru’s cock almost hit the back of his throat is definitely more enjoyable than he could ever have imagined.

“S-Sugu, I’m s-so-…”

He’s interrupted by Suguru’s hands: both move to go squeeze his hips and encourage him to move again, and when he does a moan comes out of the younger’s mouth as well, directly on his dick. They’re both making a hell of a noise now, to the delight of the walls of the institute and the poor sorcerers who stayed around probably (Suguru, after all of this, mentally apologises to Nanami). The pace of Satoru’s thrust seems to be getting faster and faster and Suguru is ready to push him to the climax when two hands grab him by the hair and force him to detach from the other.

Suguru feels a mixture of drool and precum dripping on his chin as he repositiones himself between Satoru’s legs, rising in search of the other’s eyes to understand what’s going on, if he has made any kind of mistake. For a moment his mind acts totally out of his control, something like panic makes its way in his chest to the idea of having messed this up but fortunately it doesn’t have time to take over because Satoru himself slams on his lips. To be precise, Satoru starts licking all over his chin, perhaps in an attempt to gather his own precum but really making it even more messy; then he kisses him like it’s the end of the fucking world. It’s a disaster of drool and precum and teeth colliding and tongues getting stuck in each other but both are fine so long as they don’t have to stop for lack of oxygen.

“I’m sorry Sugu,” Satoru says, still panting and resting his head on the other’s shoulder. Suguru doesn’t even know how they ended up stuck in this way on each other but it doesn’t matter, he just surrounds him with his arms and hugs him even more to himself.

“What are you apologizing for now?”

The older looks up at him from his shoulder; he looks drunk, completely wasted with red wet lips moving in search for an answer and sweat all over his forehead. The really hard thing to deal with are, as always, his eyes, which look at him as if he were the most important thing in this world, as if Satoru's very life depended on him.

“I... You know, I was gonna...” he stutters before hiding completely in the space between Suguru’s neck and shoulder, leaving there some chast kisses before speaking again.

“I was gonna cum but... I don’t want it like this”

Suguru is confused, not sure he understands 100% what the other really means.

“What do you mean, Satoru?”

Satoru’s head rises from his hideout, lips leaving other wet kisses until he reaches his ear again.

“I want you inside me, Suguru,” he whispers and... holy fucking god what the fuck is going on?

Suguru feels his cheeks blushing and his whole body literally burn. First of all, how the fuck does Satoru go from looking like a fucking shy kid to provoking him like that? And second of all, is this fucking real? Is that really what he want? Suguru probably would have stopped right after making him cum in his mouth, he wouldn't even ask him to return the favor because it would have been fine for him, that's all he wanted. But now? Now that Satoru has instilled the idea in his head, it’s a whole different matter. Now Suguru would like to do much more but something starts to emerge again from that little dark corner in his mind.

Satoru keeps leaving kisses on his neck and playing with his dilator with his tongue (is it normal for it to be so nice? Is this a thing? He really doesn’t know, he only knows that soft hums come out of his mouth every time Satoru licks around it), a hand on his nape holds him tight so he couldn’t get away even if he wanted to.

“Sa-... Satoru w-wait”

The boy leans back after another roll of his tongue on his ear, then settles on his heels in the middle of Suguru's legs to be able to look him in the face.

“Do you-” his voice sounds a little more wrecked than intended and the older doesn’t even bother to hide his chuckle at that. This motherfucker.

“Do you really want it?”

Probably even though Suguru was able to complete the sentence, he now seemed more insecure than he would have liked. It almost makes him angry, the fact of constantly having to be reassured by Satoru even at times like these gets on his nerves. Yet Satoru doesn't seem to be bothered, on the contrary: he bends down to give him a kiss on his lips before smiling, with that smile that lights up everything around him.

“Of course I do,” he answers cupping Suguru’s cheeks with both hands.

He doesn't deserve this, he doesn't deserve any of this at all. Satoru is too perfect for someone like him, he's a pure, candid, untouchable being. It can't be a person like Suguru to make him his own, he can't afford to dirty him with all the crap he carries inside. The bitterness of curses returns to the tip of his tongue, a taste he had forgotten in the last hour after months in which it seemed to have practically established its abode there, in his mouth. How could he even think to touch Satoru's with his own tongue? With the same mouth that swallows one curse after another as if it were the only thing it could do?

Maybe he started breathing a little too fast again because Satoru’s grip tightens even more around his face and brings him back to the ranks of ordinary mortals.

“Hey hey hey, calm down” Satoru says.
“Just breath in and breath out... yeah like this, very good”

The albino inhales and exhales slowly, also guiding Suguru's breaths.

“We don’t have to do this, nobody forces us to do it,” he adds.

But Suguru wants it, he doesn't even know how long he’s wanted it. Of course, in the last few months it hadn't exactly been the first of his thoughts, but it had long been at the top of his 17-year-old wish list, that's for sure. Why does he always have to ruin everything? What’s wrong with him?

“I’m sorry”

“Stop doing that! You don't have to apologize for something like that! If you don’t wanna do it it’s absolutely not a prob-“

“But I want to,” he interrupts. Satoru shuts his mouth at that, waiting patiently for him to talk again. It's ridiculous how he can figure out exactly what he needs every time.

“I really do, ” Suguru adds after a while “b-but... Why with me?”

Satoru raises a brow evidently confused and perhaps a bit shocked by the question.

“I-... I mean, I’m so fucking awful I don’t even know why you’re still here after everything I said and you’re so perfect Satoru, you really are. I don’t deserve-“

“You really wanna know why?” Satoru asks calmly, with a soft and warm smile. Suguru doesn’t know if he has to answer but he guesses Satoru is gonna tell him anyway so he simply nods. The older one slides his finger down his cheeks, wiping away a tear he hadn't even noticed had come down.

“Because I love you, dumbass,” and his smile widens even more to these words “I fucking love every single part of you, even the awful ones. I love you.”

Suguru’s breath hitches at these words, his heart is already packing and all, ready to leave his rib cage judging from how fast it’s beating. He’s about to say something, in despite of the dryness of his throat, but Satoru shuts him before he can even think of a meaningful sentence.

“Wanna know what I love about you? I have a whole list, Suguru. First of all, I love your eyes. I love them because people think they’re completely black but in reality sometimes they have a kind of yellow nuance, I don’t even know how’s this possible.”

Suguru is about to tell him that he can’t really accept a compliment for his eyes while Satoru’s ones look like heaven, like the fucking clear sky, but he can’t because a finger on his mouth shuts him.

“I’m not done yet. I love your smile, because I rarely see it but I love it when I can get it out because it's different from the one you do to others and ... Yeah! This one! This fucking smile!”

Suguru chuckles, leaning into the other’s touch. His heart is beating faster than ever and he's pretty sure he's blushing but apparently Satoru doesn't care.

“Don’t even make me start about your lips and your voice. Fucking. Love. Them.” Satoru continues leaving three soft kisses on his lips between his words.

“And your bangs. I thought they were kinda amusing the first time I saw them but they’re actually nice. I love your hair, it’s so soft and dark and I love doing this,” his fingers skillfully dissolve Suguru's bun before moving the bangs behind his ears in an all too familiar motion.

“Oh, and apparently I like your dilators, much more than I imagined,” he adds, still playing with them in his fingers.

“I don’t think I need to comment on your body, you’re like a fucking god. And I love that you’re kinda an asshole when people meet you for the first time but then you’re actually kind and caring and so fucking smart. I just love how smart you are,” Satoru kisses him on the forehead.

“And I love that you stand up to me, that you are as stubborn as I am when you step on something you care about. I love you can even win some arguments against me and when you do I don’t even mind because it’s you. I love that you stop so much to think about things but you can be impulsive when you need to. And I love the fact that you trust me enough to let me carry you away from your head when it gets a little too far. I just love you so damn much, Suguru Geto. That’s fucking why.”

Suguru kisses him and this time it’s a quiet kiss, just lips locked on other lips, but it’s perhaps the best of this whole weird night. Surely they could have avoided this last chat between tears and too many compliments while one of the two is completely naked and they’re still both hard as rocks. But maybe that's the beauty of it, too, right? The fact that neither of them really cares, the fact that neither of them is uncomfortable in spite of the situation. Everything's right, everything's normal, everything's perfect.

“I love you too,” Suguru whispers on the other’s lips and even if his eyes are closed he can hear him smile.

“After everything I’ve just told you that’s just the bare minimum,” Satoru laughs.

“You’re cheesier than me”

“Nope, you’re waaaay worse”

“Excuse me?” Suguru looks at him in dismay with a hand on his heart “How so?”

“You have fucking Pride and Prejudice next to Jane Eyre on the shelf above our heads, Suguru. You forced me and Shoko to watch Notting Hill pretending it was a fantasy just to convince us to watch it with you. And you cried even though you knew it by heart! You literally brought flowers to your first date when you were like, thirteen? Who does that?”

“First of all, the last thing was a secret that had to stand still at the night when we played truth or dare with Shoko, you traitor. Second, I’m romantic, I’m not cheesy”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you prefer to call it, sweetheart”

Suguru literally jumps at the pet name, Satoru instead seems totally unbothered.

“You just said sweetheart, you’re worse than me!”

“That’s different”

Suguru doesn’t even try this time, he just sighs and surrender while Satoru laughs and that’s everything he needs, really. He simply stares at him smiling and giggling and he’s so beautiful he could cry again (but he doesn’t because that would be embarrassing at this point).

Satoru wraps his neck with his arms and drags him back on him, covering his face with kisses before locking his lips with his. Suguru rests on his elbows so as not to crush the other with his own weight, but it becomes particularly difficult when Satoru’s tapered fingers slide down his abdomen languidly, all the way to the elastic of his pants. He seems to tinker for a while with the knot that holds them firmly in the waist but when he manages to untie it his hands do not hesitate a moment before palming Suguru’s erection through the boxers now almost completely soaked. Suguru would like to move, he’s literally trembling because of the sensations that Satoru's touch gives him, but he holds back.

“W-wait... do you have lube or anything like that?”

He doesn’t even ask about condoms: first of all he’s sure none of them have them, and second thing Shoko keeps them so controlled with her weekly exams that there’s no danger at least from this point of view. Satoru stares back at him, clearly annoyed because of the distance between their mouths.

“No, do you?”

“Nope”

They both sigh and stand still for a moment before Satoru's eyes light up again.

“But I know who does!”

He slips under Suguru’s body as if nothing were, slipping in the boxers flew on the floor a lot earlier by now and in his huge white shirt.

Jesus fucking Christ.

He’s adorable, the t-shirt reaches almost half his thigh despite only a few inches separate them, his body practically disappears into the white fabric. He almost looks like a kid dressed as a ghost on Halloween day, except for... well he’s only wearing his underwear and has an erection in those. Maybe this is not the best comparison to make, Suguru finds himself thinking while staring at him stumbled.

Wait, he knows who does? While Satoru’s looking for a pair of socks Suguru tries to decipher his words.

“You know who does? How...? Wha... No, I don’t even wanna know at this point.”

Satoru grins and winks at him while jumping on one foot to slip into black socks pulled out in bulk from one of Suguru's drawers.

“Wise choice,” he says before leaving a kiss on the other’s mouth and then storm out. What the fuck is going on? Did Satoru really just leave the room like that? With his shirt on and only boxers underneath? Suguru stumbles like a boiled fish staring at the door in front of him, knowing full well that it will reopen soon, besides it’s not the first time he sees Satoru stealing (because that’s what he thinks he’s doing, or at least he hopes he’s not going to explicitly ask someone for lube) something from someone. While being a loud person he’s undoubtedly fast and silent when he commits. And in fact, not even two minute goes by before he returns to the room with a dazzling smile and a pink bottle in his hands.

Oh, God.

“Where the fuck did you find it?”

“Shoko’s room, she wasn’t there don’t worry,” he answers totally unbothered, reading the label of the pink and red bottle with frowned eyebrows.

“It should be strawberry, I think this is even edible,” he adds while opening the bottle with a loud pop to sniff the contents.

“Satoru don’t even try to eat it! Just because it smells like strawberry doesn’t mean you have to taste it!”

Suguru doesn’t even know what to say anymore. He doesn’t know how the other found out that Shoko had a similar thing in her room but he doesn’t even want to know, really. Satoru’s still analysing the bottle, concentrated like never before, frowning forehead and a little pout resting on his own thumb. He’s adorable but Suguru can’t really focus on his cuteness right now (he now understands what Satoru meant when asking for anything other than staring).

That shirt. That. Fucking. Shirt.

“Come here, you thief”

Suguru’s voice brings Satoru back to reality. The younger is now sitting on the edge of the bed and welcomes the smiling albino in the middle of his legs. He wraps his neck with his arms and lets Suguru big, calloused hands touch him underneath the shirt. They roam everywhere, from the back to the chest and from the top, over and over again.

“I love seeing you in my clothes”

Yeah, he knows, he’s cheesy and blah blah blah but it’s something that has a weird effect on him. It's not the first time Satoru wears something of his own, for heaven's sake they even wore Shoko and Utahime's skirts once, swapping clothes between them is the norm. Once he also happened to walk into Satoru’s room in the middle of the night, seeing him sleeping in his My Chemical Romance t-shirt; he had to stop and calm down before sneaking into bed with him. God, they were dense, weren’t they? Sleeping in your best friend’s shirt? With your best friend in the same bed? That’s sus.

Satoru arches in his hands, Suguru knows that the boy is almost as muscular as he is but right now it seems he’s able to wrap him completely with his fingers alone.

“I can keep it on if you want,” Satoru grins trying to tease but the shortness of breath and the way his body can’t stand still in Suguru’s hands betray him.

“It’s okay, I’ll let you sleep in it after we’re done,” and while saying this a smiling Suguru takes off his boxers again and then his shirt before he lets him lie on the bed.

Satoru still holds the bottle of lube in his hands and tries to pass it to him but a question runs through his head before he dares to touch it.

“Wait... do you think Shoko used it?”

“Who do you think I am?” Satoru huffs, “Of course I took a new bottle, I’ll buy her an identical one as soon as I have time”

Suguru sighs relieved. He’d like to ask how many bottles actually were in Shoko’s room but he doesn’t really want to know so he flies over the matter and takes the stolen object between his fingers.

“Have you...” he clears his voice before continuing with the question he was about to ask.

“Have you done it before today? I mean... on your own?”

A cute blush rises from Satoru’s neck to his cheeks and Suguru already knows the answer before the other’s mouth produces it.

“I haven’t done it for a while but... Yeah, I’ve done it before a couple of times”

Thousands of images are projected into Suguru's head, his cock twitches again, almost aching now at the mere idea of Satoru touching himself, letting his long, pale fingers slipping inside him, maybe moaning softly because the institute has thin walls. This guy is gonna be the death of him one day.
Suguru leans to leave a gentle kiss on the other’s lips.

“Then can you show me how to do it?” he mutters on Satoru’s mouth, cheeks blushing “I don’t wanna hurt you.”

Satoru simply nods and he’s even redder than before while they kiss again. Suguru detaches only to let the other settle as he prefers on his bed, and in fact Satoru better positions the pillow against the headboard, leaning against it and spreading his legs. He’s totally exposed now, completely vulnerable and Suguru can’t stand his own clothes anymore: he gets rid of pants and underwear before positioning himself in the middle of Satoru’s legs. The boy squares every inch of his body while breathing heavily, Suguru feels almost like a prey, naked under those blue deep six eyes scanning him.
Suguru guesses he has to use the lube now, but doesn't have time to retrieve the bottle abandoned among the sheets because Satoru is faster than him.

“Can I do it for you?”

Suguru nods and lets Satoru squeeze the contents on his fingers and smear it well on at least three of them.

“I think you’re supposed to warm it up a little before... you know,” Satoru adds while he continues to hand out the lube on Suguru’s fingers (and it really smells like strawberries, it’s kinda nice). He takes note of every little thing so as not to forget it, he wants everything to be as perfect as possible, and of course it won't be, but he can at least try.
Only when Satoru seems satisfied with his work he leans back, resting his back against the pillow.

“Go on, babe,” the older says smiling warmly while taking deep breaths perhaps in an attempt to relax as much as possible. And the pet name seems to calm every nerve of him too.

“You’re gonna tell me if it hurts, right?”

“Of course, don’t worry about it. I trust you, Sugu”

And that’s all he needs. Suguru approaches Satoru’s hole and with all the delicacy of which he’s capable lets slip inside his index finger. At first Satoru seems to stiffen and Suguru doesn’t know whether to remove his finger or remain motionless.

“Don’t stop babe, everything’s fine,” Satoru mumbles in between labored breaths.

Then Suguru starts moving his finger. He does it slowly, as if out of fear of breaking Satoru at any moment, until the other’s sighs turn into soft hums and Suguru realizes that maybe he’s not doing such a horrible job. His eyes never leave Satoru’s face, in the event of picking up any sign of discomfort or pain, but there’s not the slightest trace of it.

“You can-nngh... you can add another one, Sugu”

He doesn’t let him repeat it twice and with the same delicacy as before lets his middle finger enter Satoru’s hole. The guy now moans and raises his hips to make Suguru’s fingers go even deeper in him. Suguru moves them around, explores as he can what surrounds him and it's all new to him but just seeing Satoru enjoying this is enough.

“F-faster,” the older mutters in a breath, his lips trembling just as much as his legs.

And then Suguru moves faster, ready to fulfill any desire of the other without blinking an eye. Satoru moans and arches his back and moves his hips against the two fingers, unable to stay still. And there’s no need for words for Suguru to understand when it’s time to insert a third finger. Satoru gasps at that, like the air had been thrown out of his lungs all at once, and groans even louder than before. Suguru keeps working on Satoru’s entrance, tries to move his fingers in different ways noting which movements make moans come out of the other’s mouth and which instead make him even slightly stiff. But when he curls his fingers and hit something inside Satoru the guy almost screams.

Oh. He really doesn't know a lot about anatomy, that's Shoko’s and Satoru’s subject, they’re the science nerds duo, and he's okay with it, but he still remembers something from the poor sex education lessons in his fourteen years old. So he hits the same spot again and Satoru now literally screams, reaching his shoulder and poking his nails, leaving red marks that will probably stay on his skin for a few days.

“F-fuck, this is so good babe… Ah! You’re so good at this”

Satoru moans and mumbles other incoherent words, eyes rolled back in his head, strings of wet white hair glued on his forehead but beautiful as he’s never been before to Suguru’s eyes. He can clearly distinguish his name coming out Satoru’s several times and he doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be able to resist but he tries to with all himself. When Satoru, back arched, hips moving even faster and eyes crossed, lets his tongue loll out of his mouth, Suguru just leans against him to suck it almost involuntarily. And then he kisses him, drool going everywhere and moans and whimpers and screams coming out from their joined mouths until Satoru’s fingers squeeze around Suguru’s wrist and he stops instantly.

“S-Sugu, baby, I need you now,” Satoru says, lips separated only by a few millimeters from each other’s. The pet names that keep coming out of his mouth make Suguru’s dick twitch every damn time.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m absolutely sure, I wouldn’t have been able to resist anymore if you had gone ahead like that”

Only now Suguru lowers his gaze towards their abdomens. They’re a mess, both covered in precum, Satoru’s lower belly is wet just as much as the covers underneath Suguru, both of their erections standing only a few inches distant one from the other. They're so worked up they don't know how long they'll last but neither of them cares.
Satoru rushes to pick up the lube bottle again, squeezing a large amount of it into the palm of his hand before staring Suguru in the eye for any approval. The raven just nods and leaves another kiss on his mouth before watching Satoru's lube-covered hand go to wrap his dick and-

“Holy shit,” he swears between clenched teeth. He closes his eyes in pleasure, this is the first real contact between the soft skin of Satoru's hand and his erection and Suguru feels like passing out, his arms trembling and soft hums coming out of his mouth. Satoru isn’t really jerking him off, actually the lube is kinda cold and not entirely pleasant, but he was literally aching and even this is enough to replace the slight pain with relief.

“I’m sorry baby, I swear I’m almost done,” Satoru says before leaving soft kisses all over his face but he must have felt Suguru’s reaction at the word baby because he suddenly smiles.

“You liked it?” he asks almost as if he was proud of himself.
“You like being called baby? Or babe?”

Suguru can’t really focus right now but he nods, eyes still shut while trying not to melt in Satoru’s hands as much as he can.

“Hey, honey, look at me”

This fucking guy. Suguru opens them at the request and finds immediately Satoru’ sky blue eyes, welcoming and warm as usual. He’s smiling, all proud of himself for discovering this new thing about him and seems to be enjoying it as his hand continues to slide along its length.

“Satoru I-nngh... P-please”

He’s panting and sweating and Satoru kisses him again, his tongue entering his mouth with force before going back to lie down finally letting go Suguru’s dick.

“Ready when you are, babe”

Suguru takes his breath as he positions himself between the other’s legs, his hands firmly anchored to the bed right next to Satoru’s hips. It’s hot, both bodies give off such heat that if they went out now in the middle of the night they could probably see steam rising from their skins, but it’s also pleasant in a way. Suguru lines up at Satoru’s entrance and looks for his heavenly eyes again before moving.

“Stop me if I hurt you,” he repeats even if he trusts Satoru enough to know that he would do it even without his constant warnings. But Satoru doesn’t mind them, he nods and smiles back at him before taking deep breaths to relax as much as possible.

Suguru takes a deep breath too before approaching and entering Satoru. He does it slowly, letting the albino get used to his presence, although for him not to start moving immediately is an enormous effort. But this is all about Satoru, any kind of effort is totally fucking worth it. Satoru’s hot in the literal sense of the word, Suguru seems to go on fire while he calmly bottoms out, stopping any movement waiting for signs from the other. It’s a nice feeling, it’s like feeling at home and he can’t believe he’s the one filling Satoru. The boy has his eyes closed, brows forrowed and he’s biting his bottom lip. He moves slightly to adjust himself, and even those little movements make tiny sparks explode in Suguru’s chest. He leans down to free Satoru’s lip by kissing him quietly, soft hums coming out of his mouth, despite his efforts, due to the slight movements of the other. He kisses his cheeks, his neck, his clavicle in an attempt to make him enjoy this as much as he can despite the initial pain.

“You feel so good around me, Satoru”

Words slip out of his mouth unconsciously, but they seem to have an effect on Satoru who relaxes his leg muscles. He’s tight around Suguru, in a pleasant and totally new way, in a way Suguru thought he could only imagine.

“You’re doing great, baby, you’re great”

Even the pet name comes naturally to him and Satoru smiles at that, finally reopening his eyes.

“I think you can move now, Sugu”

And he doesn’t ask if he’s sure this time, he trusts him with all of himself. He starts rocking his hips slowly, groaning at the pleasant friction that his movements produce. If he said or thought he felt at home, Suguru can now say he’s in heaven. He can feel even the slightest movement, the slightest spasm of Satoru around him and it’s the most beautiful thing in the world; being one with Satoru, the love of his life, his soul mate, whatever you want to call it, makes him feel right, as if he had finally found his place in the world. He keeps thrusting slowly until he can clearly distinguish the change between those who were once only gasps and whimpers to the moans who now come out of Satoru's mouth. Suguru clings to the headboard to move faster, even if only slightly, his knuckles turn white for how much he’s clutching the old wood of the bed.

“S-Suguru... F-faster, please”

He increases the speed even more, until he arrives at a steady pace that seems to satisfy both. Satoru’s hands reach his back and his nails stick into his skin and scratch it again and again and maybe it should hurt but it doesn’t, it’s actually nice and Suguru moans Satoru’s names several times.

“ ‘Toru you feel so good,” he mumbles in between other incoherent sentences, like he’s unable to shut himself up.

“You’re perfect Satoru”

“It’s like you’re made for me, fuck”

“God, you’re gorgeous”

The praises seem to have an effect on Satoru himself, he moans even louder until suddenly Suguru’s cut off by a scream.

“There! Please, baby, hit me there again, please,” the boy whines as if his life depended on this.

Suguru realizes that he has found Satoru’s prostate and tries to hit it again but doesn’t immediately succeed. He readjusts himself, tries several angles until another scream reaches his ears.

“Fuck fuck fuck, faster Suguru, please!”

Satoru’s face is something indescribable, tears starts collecting at the corners of his eyes and moans comes out of him shamelessly, Suguru’s now sure he’s totally going to hell just for having heard sounds like this with his own ears. His white hair is scattered on the pillow, Suguru's hair dangles over their faces to the rhythm of thrusts but neither one of them really bothers. Satoru’s whole body moves at every push, as if he were too weak to fight any kind of resistance, and he probably is.
Suguru starts to feel his arms trembling and lowers himself on his elbows, closing the distance that has separated their mouths even too long. It’s not even a real kiss, they moan and groan in each other’s mouth and drool goes everywhere but even if they haven’t kissed maybe for five minutes it’s as if they both missed something until now. Suguru is suddenly aware also of Satoru’s erection, remained untouched for a while by now, so he evelops it with one hand.

“Fuck, baby I’m not gonna last if you do that”

He doesn’t know how Satoru managed to complete an entire sentence, he doesn’t think he can do that right now. He starts stroking Satoru’s dick, matching his hand movement to the thrusts, even when they become faster and more irregular. Satoru's legs surround his pelvis and the new angle allows him to go even deeper, if possible.

“ ‘Toru I... I’m close,” he really has something to ask and has to gather all his strength to do it.
“ W-wher-Ah! Where should I...”

“Inside, baby please” Satoru doesn’t hesitate for a second to answer directly on his lips, breaths and moans hitting Suguru’s bottom lip. Perhaps Suguru unconsciously accelerates the pace further to those words, bringingin both of them dangerously close to the climax.

"Fuck Sugu I-I think I'm gonna-" Satoru never finishes the sentence and cums with a scream. His eyes cross, head tilted back on the pillow, his back arches and he gasps in search of air. He clings so tightly to Suguru's back he’s probably leaving bruises all over it and the mere idea is actually hotter than it should be. He slows down his movements, intending to get out of Satoru so as not to hurt him and finish on his own what they started, but the albino doesn’t allow him. He pounds himself down Suguru’s dick and starts moving at the same speed as before to encourage him to move again before taking his hand up on his nape, lowering him until his mouth is at the same level of the other’s ear.

“Cum for me Suguru,” he says with a moan and a lick around his dilator. And Suguru sees the fucking stars.

His vision becomes foggy and for a moment everything’s white around him as he pours his semen inside Satoru, filling him as if it’s the last thing he does in this life. His heart is racing like never before and maybe he’s screaming Satoru’s name or maybe he’s saying how much he loves him despite it being really cheesy and cliché and all of that but he’s not even sure. There’s just Satoru everywhere: around him, behind his shut eyelids, underneath him, on his lips, he’s the only thing in the world that matters, he’s his whole world right now. Satoru is still moving,slowly now to help him through his orgasm, the best of his entire fucking life. And when he reopens his eyes and sees him, completely wasted on his bed, maybe still a little drunk in pleasure, he kisses him again and god, his lips are made to stay locked on Satoru’s, his whole body is made to stay next, above, around, inside Satoru himself.

He pulls out slowly, careful not to harm in any way the older and the first instinct is to collapse on Satoru and abandon himself to the sudden tiredness that takes over his body. Suguru rests his head on Satoru’s shoulder, his arms can finally let go and he’s sure that, despite how much he’s trained, the day after they will be at least a little sore. He decides to ignore the “giant baby” he thinks he’s hearing from Satoru and instead he snuggles even more in the hollow of his neck, inhaling his scent and feeling every part of his body relax. The other’s fingers are scratching on his scalp softly and really if he doesn’t get up now he’s he’ll fall asleep on Satoru. In addition, he’s not an asshole, he knows he has to take care of a certain someone first.

Suguru leaves a gentle kiss on Satoru’s neck, right where he had marked him before, and rises from the bed. Not being so close the other’s hot skin is almost weird but he has to look for something to wipe them both before lube and cum dry. For a moment he thinks about using the towel he hung up when he got back to the room, but he realizes that it might not be very hygienic, having used it on his hair covered with balm and masks. He sighs in resignation as he leans over to pick up his white shirt.

“I promise I’ll give you another one to sleep,” he says turning to Satoru, standing still and lying on the bed with his eyes closed. He must be exhausted too or even more than him, but to those words he opens his eyes and pouts seeing the shirt in Suguru’s hands.

“I can sleep in it anyway,” he tries.

“No way,” Suguru denies, taking the water bottle he always has on his desk and pouring just a few drops on the fabric before tossing it to the albino, letting him drink. He sits next to Satoru on the bed and begins to gently clean him, first on his abdomen and then between his legs, where he knows that the other is certainly still sensitive. Satoru stays still, hums just a little when Suguru wipes him around his rim but he doesn’t complain. Suguru wipes himself too before taking a look at his blue sheets, a color choice not so wise perhaps for similar occasions.

“We’d better move to your room,” he says while looking for two shirts wide and comfortable enough to sleep in and two pairs of clean boxers.

“I don’t think I can move, even under torture”

Suguru snorts and reaches the bed to get Satoru dressed with his underwear and a black Guns ‘n Roses t-shirt that he chose because he clearly remembers that once Satoru had said that among all, according to him, the shitty songs he listened to, “Sweet child of mine” wasn’t that bad. Basic bitch, who doesn’t like that song? Better than “Wonderwall” anyway, he still considers this a small win.
He gets dressed too, thinking that wearing clean clothes to get into a dirty bed doesn't make much sense but what is making sense tonight? It's late, or maybe it's early, depending on the point of view. Satoru smiles at him, he opens his arms and makes room on the bed next to him like in the good old days and Suguru doesn’t hesitate to lay there, head once again on his shoulder and an arm aroun his waist. He feels at home.

“So,” Satoru breaks the silence, “pet names, huh?”

Suguru feels his cheeks flushing while Satoru laughs.

“Don’t be embarrassed, I’m glad you like them, darling”

“Stop it!” Suguru hides his face on Satoru’s chest.

“I can’t,” he’s laughing again “I just can’t, it’s stronger than me, kitten”

Suguru raises his head and an eyebrow at that, looking almost shocked.

“You look like a cat, I’ve already told you that”

“Yeah but that’s-,” he interrupts himself before the word different comes out exactly as Satoru had done with him before and goes back to resting his head on the shoulder, the room filled with the other’s giggles.

“You think they heard us?” he asks, just out of curiosity more than for a real concern.

“Shoko wasn’t here, and neither was Yaga. And it’s not that I’ve never heard Nanami and Haibara before so who cares about Nanami.”

Hearing Haibara’s name still hurts but Suguru tries not to show it, it’s not yet time to get out of their little bubble.

“I just hope I haven’t traumatized those first years honestly,” Satoru chuckles and he does too.

“Poor Ijichi”

“Yeah, poor little innocent Ijichi”

They’re both laughing now, Suguru’s head rising and falling following the movements caused by the other’s laughter. Then silence falls between the two. Suguru once loved silence, but he doesn’t anymore. As he is lulled by Satoru's regular breaths, his mind is already at work. What's going to happen now? What will happen to them? It’s not like outside these four walls the situation has changed. Tomorrow morning (or maybe it's already morning, anyway too soon) both will have to go back to exorcising curses as if nothing had happened . Once out that door, for how many weeks won't they see each other this time? Suguru has no idea and is afraid to know the answer.

“We could run away,” he says without even thinking. He realizes what he has said only after a few moments of silence, when no reply comes from Satoru. Suguru raises his head and positions himself so that he can look at him. Satoru's gaze was lost on the ceiling but his focus immediately goes to him and their eyes lock again.

“Yeah, we could,” he smiles, but it’s a kinda sad smile. Suguru can’t look at him. He knows damn well they can't really run away, it would be counterproductive because no one knows how to deal with curses better than the two of them. They’re the strongest. To survive, they would still have to fight, even if they ended up at the end of the world. And maybe Satoru wouldn't be so happy knowing that there are hundreds of innocent people in danger because of them, people who he could help instead of hiding himself. Suguru knows all this and knows that he can not really ask him such a thing, now it’s too late to choose the escape option.

“Hey, look at me”

Suguru tries but something inside him is telling him that if he looks him in the eye he'll give in again.

You can’t do this without him, you know that.

That annoying little voice in his head is telling the truth. He cannot relive the hell he has gone through these months, not without going mad again.

“Suguru”

If he looks now he’s sure he won’t be able to let him go again. Maybe if he doesn't look at him now they can stay like this forever.

What will be left of you without him?

“Baby, please look at me”

He can't resist.

Pathetic.

Suguru looks at him and apparently also Satoru has shiny eyes and he can see in them the same fear of what will happen from now on. But Satoru smiles like he always does, cupping his cheek letting him melt at the touch.

“We’re going to be fine, okay?”

No, you’re not.

“The situation should stabilize soon, Yaga said that too”

Soon? How much longer does it have to go?

“And when everything's back to normal, we can be together as long as we want. And maybe then we can leave this all behind, we won’t give a shit about everything and everyone and... I don’t know, we could live together on a hill if you’d like that”

You're not going back to normal.

Suguru ignores the voice in his head in favor of Satoru's who keeps talking and he could listen to him for hours.

“We can get a little house on a fucking hill, in one of those villages in the middle of nowhere. And our neighbor will be a nice old lady who every Sunday will bring us a piece of homemade cake she has prepared for her grandchildren.”

Suguru chuckles at that, but doesn’t interrupt the flow of Satoru’s words.

“And we can have a dog, because I love big dogs, and a black cat for you, and it will hate my guts and will only allow you to cuddle it”

Suguru nods in agreement, sending down the knot that had formed in his throat to replace it with a smile. He rubs his face against Satoru’s hand, just like a cat would do.

“We’ll call her Shoko,” he adds referring to the cat, leaving a small bite on his pinky. Satoru laughs at heart and for a moment the voice in Suguru's head is just a distant sound.

“Yeah, I like that. And the dog Kento, so we’ll always remember him”

“I find it hard to forget Nanami if I have to be honest”

They both laugh at the poor boy's expense.

“And maybe we’ll have a vegetable garden or a nice garden, one of those English-style ones you see in your cheesy romantic comedies.”

“We'll kill all the plants”

“But the nice old lady next door will teach us!” Satoru’s eyes literally shine at every word, Suguru is almost dazzled by his smile.

“I want to grow flowers for you Suguuu,” he whines while Suguru blushes again.

“Okay, then we’ll learn”

“That’s the spirit. And maybe, one day, a very very far day, when we have lived every experience of our flourishing youth to the fullest, we could have two children”

Satoru says it like it’s the most natural thing in the world and Suguru’s heart just stops.

“C-children?”

Satoru looks at him with the softest eyes he’s ever seen.

“Yeah, why not”

Suguru forces himself to laugh so as not to burst into tears again or jump on Satoru.

“We can’t have kids, you know that right?”

Satoru punches him weakly in the chest.

“Asshole. There are other ways to get them.”

“Abduction is not an option”

“I know!” but they’re both laughing.

“I’d like two little girls,” Satoru adds.

“Girls?”

“Yeah, that would be balanced. You’d be a great dad by the way, like … I don’t know, you have it in you”

Suguru thinks he cannot get any redder than this.

“That’s not true, you’d be perfect as always”

“No, this is where you’re wrong,” Satoru corrects him with a haughty tone, leaving a little smack on his nose.

“You’d be good from the start, you’re a natural. I’d have to learn on the way and then I’d be great, of course. I’d be the one they’d go to when you force them to do homework or read your stupid novels or listen to songs of dubious taste just because they remind you of your youth.”

“And you would protect them like the knight in shining armour you are”

“Hell yeah I would! But when they're old, they'll be grateful for your important life lessons, while I'll be the funny dad of their stories. And I'd end up fighting them for your love in the end”

“You’re an idiot”

Suguru can picture all of this and it would be just perfect. He closes his eyes and can almost see their little house, he can almost hear little girls’ voices around him, he can almost feel the warmth of a nice sunny day spent in their garden with the love of his life.

None of this is true, and you know it.

He shakes his head as if to chase away the voice resounding in his brain. When he opens his eyes again, Satoru's are there waiting for him.

“Think you’d like that, baby?”

“I’d love it, Satoru”

Suguru bends down to kiss him, and it’s the sweetest kiss of the whole night. They kiss slowly, Satoru’s fingers stuck in his hair, their lukewarm breaths mingling as if they belonged to each other, like every single other body part of them. They go on for a while, until their lips hurt, until ther lungs need air, until their hearts beg for a pause. Satoru holds him firmly with one hand on the back of his head, their foreheads resting on each other.

“We just have to hold on a little longer but I promise we’ll be fine. Can you do that for me, Suguru?”

“Yes, I think so”

Liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar.

They kiss again til they’re too tired to keep their eyes open. Suguru feels sleep take over as he still has his head on Satoru's chest, their legs wedged together, his hands joined on dirty sheets that smell of them. Maybe for the first time in months he can sleep without nightmares.

“I love you to the fucking moon and back,” Satoru mumbles, eyes already closed even though his hand keeps moving through his raven hair. Suguru doesn't even raise his head in his direction.

“You’re cheesier than me,” but Satoru’s already sleeping.

“I love you too” he whispers anyway before falling asleep in turn.

The next morning Suguru wakes up in an empty bed. The light coming in from the window is particularly annoying, his arms hurt but he doesn't remember exactly why and his throat is completely dry.
Suguru wakes up in dry sheets, unpleasant to the touch, but smelling of someone else.
Suguru wakes up and for a while would like to refuse to get out of bed but knows very well he has to prepare for another long shitty day.
Suguru wakes up alone but suddenly remembers everything that has happened the night before and it’s as if a cold blade pierced him from side to side. He gets up in a rush and looks around confused by all that emptiness: there are no candy wrappers on the floor, there are no clothes left around the room, there are no black shoes next to his. His white shirt is gone. Was it all a dream? It can't be, Satoru's perfume still hovers in the room and is too real to be an hallucination.

Then he sees them. There’s a sheet of paper folded in four on his bedside table, next to it two hairpins covered with white beads. Suguru smiles without even realizing it, clutching them in his hands before reading the contents of the note:

“Good morning kitten, I’m sorry but Yaga called me and I had to go. Please wait for me and don’t do anything stupid. Everything’s gonna be fine, trust me, okay?

Ps. Those are Shoko’s clips, I stole them last night. Wait for me before you wear them!

See you soon, I love you xx”

“Okay,” Suguru whispers back, like Satoru could hear him. He can wait for Satoru.

No, you can’t.

Satoru is worth all the time in the world, he can resist.

You won’t last long without him.

He just has to be a little bit more patient, they will see each other soon, Satoru said.

Liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar.

Everything’s gonna be okay, he’s okay, they’re okay.

You’re not okay.

The phone starts to vibrate and Suguru looks without emotion at the messages containing the details of the next mission. He needs a cigarette.

Suguru really thinks he can do it. He really tries, he puts all of himself, he's never worked so hard in his life. But the days pass, the demons knock again on his door and Satoru isn’t there. And when he sees two innocent little girls locked in a cage he just loses it.

-September of 2009-
(XX province, XX city - previously XX village)

Mission Summary:

-Exorcise the cursed spirit thought to be causing mysterious disappearances and strange deaths.

-5 days after the person in charge (Geto Suguru, 3rd year of the college) arrived at XX village, the corpses of 112 of its inhabitants were found.

-All were thought to be victims of the cursed spirit, however, analysis of the remains determined they were killed by Geto Suguru’s cursed spirit manipulation.

-Geto Suguru is on the run. Under article 9 of the regulation of Jujutsu he’s now to be executed on sight as a curse user.

Bonus: Suguru can never even try on the hair clips, it almost seems like breaking a promise. He takes them with him though, and little Nanako and Mimiko love it when he uses them to fix their hair.