Chapter Text
November 21
3 years ago
Chan sat at the balcony as the younger of the two looked down at him with a peculiar expression. One he hadn't seen on Hyunjin's face before. One that would be forever engraved in his mind as the expression that caused his world to crumble. One that was both the beginning and ending of it all.
Hyunjin walked slowly towards him in a silky lavender dress shirt. The simplistic material was one that wasn't his usual style, he complained about how basic it made him look all week but didn't dare question the groom's fashion taste.
Chan believed it suited him. It made him look soft and youthful and curious– all the things Hyunjin was. He thought he looked perfect. Even now, as the younger joined him on the oil painted bench.
His posture was stiff straight and he bit his bottom lip. A nervous habit. Morbidity lingered just above their heads.
Chan looked at him. Hyunjin returned the gaze, a sigh escaped his lips. “Dior called earlier today, I got the job.”
“This is what you've wanted for so long.” He gave him a small smile. “I'm proud of you.”
“Thank you.” A shy smile blossomed, then a worried expression quickly shadowed his face. “But you… you know that accepting the internship means that I'm leaving to–”
“Barcelona? Yes, I know, we've talked about it a thousand times now.” Chan said lightheartedly, pulling his gaze away and straight onto the select crowd of people celebrating inside the wedding reception.
“So where does this leave us?” He asked, his voice low.
“Can't we just continue as we are? We could try, I know we'll be hundreds of miles apart and living in polar opposite time zones, but if we try hard enough, and talk to each other daily…well…" He began losing faith in himself the more he spoke.
“We could try that.” Hyunjin
nervously held his arm. Another nervous habit. “But, what about our future?”
“Our future?” Chan looked at him. Hyunjin couldn't bring himself to face him.
“What I mean is, as hard as it is to say, that… well… where are we headed with our relationship? It's a topic that we've always swept under the carpet, but now it's starting to show that we really need to talk about it.”
Hyunjin was confronting him the cold hard truth, and the truth hurt him. Yet he looked fragile, so fragile, all Chan wanted to do was to hold him in his arms until all his problems disappeared. But that wouldn't work this time, this time they had to face the issue head on.
They had run out of time.
“I was never ready for a commitment. You've known this.” He continued. “We want totally different things. I want to travel the world and expand on my modelling career. And you want…"
“…to eventually find a cozy home in a cozy town and settle down.”
“l want to have zero distractions, and I'm not too sure about kids.”
“I've always dreamt of having a family, kids running around the backyard, and someone at my side.” Chan explained.
At this point, a future together seemed impossible, and to pretend there was a chance was like a keeping up a facade.
They were just too different.
“Do you see what I mean?” Hyunjin asked.
“Unfortunately, yes. I see.” Chan sulked. “I want to experience all these things with you, I want to be with you always, no matter the circumstance, and I know I cannot force you into that. I'll end up making you unhappy. And I desire more than anything for you to be happy.”
Hyunjin shook his head and drew in for a hug. He proceeded to hold unto him like his life depended on it. He sobbed tearlessly. “But you make me so happy.”
He hugged him just as tightly. “You make me happy too, more than you can ever imagine.”
“I really, really want to stay with you, but we both won't get what we want. I feel like I'm leading you on, promising something I know I can't give you. You're an amazing guy who deserves someone just as amazing. You want to build a home, and I don't want to be the person who stops you from getting that.”
“And I'd not live with myself if I stopped you from travelling the world. I mean, look at you, the world deserves you Jinnie, and it deserves you at your hundred percent. I don't want to be the person who stops you from doing what you love.”
“So… what? Is the end of us just inevitable?” Hyunjin asked, his dark brown orbs were near tears.
Chan couldn't bare the sight of it. Seeing Hyunjin upset about to the point of tears is one of his least favorite things.
You're the one I want.
I'll adapt to any condition for you.
I'll bend backwards at your command.
But I do not wish you to do the same for me. You're too good for me. Too good for this world.
Chan ran his hands through his long, dark tendrils. It felt like something was caught in his throat, hot and heavy.
“Well…" He began after a while. Hyunjin looked up at him with glassy eyes. Chan knew very well what would come next. Trembling lips… then heartbreaking sobs. “It's not completely impossible. Let's make a deal.”
Chan smiled a bit at him, hiding his pain. He could easily curl into him, share the pain of their loss. But this might be the last time he ever got to do that, and he wanted them to share the feeling of loss as though they hadn't lost anything at all because somehow, in some way, they'd still have each other.
Hyunjin looked at him curiously.
“Say… let's compromise. If I do not find that special someone by the time we're forty, will you, Hwang Hyunjin, marry me?”
Hyunjin retracted with a dramatic gasp. His hands loomed over his mouth, Chan could barely gouge his expression. Eyes widened, sad teary brown eyes shone differently.
“Are you… proposing?”
Chan retracted, only a little. “I didn't fully think it through. When I said it, I didn't expect it to come across that way.”
“Yes Chan.” He broke into a happy sob. “Yes, a thousand times, yes. I've always wanted to be proposed to.”
Hyunjin entrapped him in another hug. Chan returned the sentiment.
“This works perfectly then, both of us won't ever be lonely this way…"
“Or unhappy.” Hyunjin finished. “l look forward to marrying you at forty. When there's no one else who can.”
“l look forward to that as well.” He put a strand of his hair behind his ear.
“Sometimes,” the younger said, after some silence. “I wonder what it 'd be like if we weren't so different. If we were ground from the same mill.”
“l wonder too.” His hands were on him like he was fragile. “But I think the differences is what make us work so well. Or, at least, made us work well.”
The bitter sweetness of those words pierced painfully through their hearts. This was really it.
“You're right. But for now, I guess we're… friends.” Chan finalized, the words coming out of his lips felt detached. He pulled away from the warmth of their embrace.
“Friends it is.” He wiped the tears threatening to fall from his eyes, expertly, as to not wipe away expertly done eyeliner.
“So when is your flight?”
“Tuesday.”
“So soon?”
“Yeah. I need time to settle in a bit before work starts.” He smiled.
“I know you're going to kill it out there, Jinnie.”
“Thanks.” He retracted, and he looked at the ground once more. “Hey Chan,”
He had Chan's attention. Always
“please do me a favor and not let Felix know that we've broken up? It's his wedding day, and it'll destroy him to find out that we're… over. No less, on his wedding night.”
“Of course. We must not upset the groom. It's practically law.”
“Thank you. Until I think he's ready to hear that… please, can we just pretend we're still together? I'll tell him when it's all over.”
“I think I have time to fit that into my schedule.” Chan teased and Hyunjin laughed. His usual chopped, care-free laugh.
They fell silent. Rocking slowly against each other while the cool breeze whisked around. They marinated in their final moments, so soaking up the hurt. The silence aided as a mourning dirge, the final sound if what their two year relationship accumulated to.
A small girl then came over and pulled gently at Hyunjin's pants. “Hyung, may I request a dance?” She fumbled with her words a bit.
“Aww.” He smiled at the little girl. “Of course.” Hyunjin toyed with her corsage.
“I knew that this day would come, but I didn't think it'd come this soon. Take good care of him for me, sweetie." Chan ruffled her hair, put their hands together before he watched them walk into the bright and lively reception and slow danced.
Chan looked at them from the distance that now seemed unreachable, the wind blew over him. A cold chill ran through him.
He watched his now ex-boyfriend dance with a little girl, at one of his best friends wedding. Hyunjin, the dreamer, was going on to Barcelona to expand as a model just as he had always dreamed.
And Chan was going to watch and support him as a friend.
It was easy to say. But in reality, without him, his life instantly dulled. The moonlight was a bit dimmer, the music was a bit harder to hear and it became a little harder to breathe.
Everything just seemed…
Black and white.
Chan was letting him go for a chance at the idealized version of what he thought he wanted. He realized at that moment that he had developed the biggest dilemma of his early adult life: He wondered if he'd ever meet the right person for him.
Or if he did, and he just let him go.
December
3 years ago
Hyunjin still remembers how excited he was to travel, and explore the new horizon that was Spain. An apprenticeship under Dior, that was his dream for so long. One that he labored hard and sacrificed so much for. And now, that dream was finally about to become a reality.
He looked up at the building, which stood as a tall sparkly wonder before his eyes. He could barely wait, and stepped into the building with wide eyes like a child on their first day of school.
The scenery was a beautifully busy sight of people rushing up and about. With fabrics and portfolios and racks littered with signature clothing– holy smokes, was that a limited edition 2007 winter piece?
He had yet to find out because an enormous woman appeared before him before he could decipher. She easily towered over him, (which was an impressive sight considering his height) looking down at him from her sharp electric blue eye makeup that stood in clear parallel with her stark white skin.
“Hyunjin Hwang?” Her uncanny accent pronounced his name wrong in every syllable than he ever thought it was humanly possible, with a confident look from her snake eyes at his name tag.
“Yes?”
She stopped one of the racks passing by and expertly pulled out a costume and put it in front of him. “Room 32. Be quick.”
Surprisingly, he was able to navigate the room easily. He got in said room to find it to be full of men and women alike. Fellow qualifiers of the Dior apprenticeship. They were all semi-dressed and if not, they were fully dressed in tight, plain, black suits and seemed to be waiting.
He looked down at the hanger given to him to find that he was given a similar black suit. He shifted to the closet to dress up, even though most of the people here were comfortable dressing in the open. Showing off their bodies made of pure discipline.
Most looked like what he'd seen in American Vogue magazines– tall, white bodies and jaws sharp enough to cut wood. He wasn't surprised, he just expected a more body inclusive line, as were the stated terms of the project. Though now that he was here, he worried if he blended in.
He'd always known he was, to phrase it modestly as he can, conventionally attractive. He'd often been praised for his looks more than anything else once he'd grown well into an adult. But he now looked around the room at these clay sculpted, Aphrodite blessed, heavenly beings, if he quite made the cut.
Was he tall enough? A pleasing enough sight? Did he have an aesthetic value that they needed? Was he enough?
Not much people in the room quite looked like him, the closest was a small framed man with a confident look, Hyunjin took a guess and figured he was most likely Japanese. He, too, was much different from everyone, but the difference between the two was that he looked so sure about himself. He was sure of himself, that alone made him blend in as easily as anyone else in the room.
Being worried about not fitting in a diverse, body inclusive campaign was something he did not expect at all. But still, he looked at the small crowd around him, he figured they were all different, surely. But his eyes fixed on the small man the entire time for a sense of surety… all until the invigilators appeared.
They lined them up in their identical bodysuits and called up on them, settling them up on the scale. Ropes, tapes, and measurement tools of all sorts skimmed over thin bodies. And in one of the panels stood the Japanese man, he opened and released easily, like he knew what he was doing. Like he'd done it a hundred times before.
They complimented him on his looks, which helped in some way. He knew now that he could use his differences to his aid. He relaxed his shoulders. And stepped forward once his name was called. He approached with confidence more fake than the nikes he received from his uncle in the fall.
“Hyunjin?” Snake eyes, pronounced Yoo-jin.
“Yes?”
She held his face up with her hands. “Beautiful. Effortless androgynous features.”
She held his arm. “You'll prove useful for plenty of projects we have planned for the coming year. Though you'll have to lose some bulk.”
“Bulk?” Hyunjin thought he got lost in translation.
“Muscle mass. Take it easy in the gym, alright?”
“Oh. I thought the requirement was muscle.”
She laughed as she went on to measurement my chest. “The requirement is a guide, not the blueprint. And you can use BMI if you like, but just know the BMI has become a bit of a controversial issue around here as of late.”
“Oh.” He thinks he read an article about it somewhere. “So my build, is not fine?”
“No, just lose the muscle. I see you applied during the summer, a time when the muscular figure was trendy. Calvin Klein is to blame for that little movement. But that's not what's in right now.”
“Right.”
“We are going for rectangles and inverted triangles now. It's trendy, it's fashionable and it's current.”
“I didn't know you could change body types.”
“I wasn't talking about body type. I was referring to silhouette.”
Hyunjin nodded, feeling as though he'd never picked up a magazine in his life.
“Or don't take my advice.” She rolled up the measuring tape. “Your androgyny affords you a choice. Lean… muscular… Whatever. But if you're going for a muscular look, you might as well commit to it. Fill up or lose it completely. Remember, rectangles and inverted triangles love. Next.” She looked down to write the last of the measurements in her book as she awaited the next person.
He looked at her in disbelief. She had him wondering if that the muscle was a problem, a flaw. It couldn't be, it's a feature he'd seen in thousands of magazines. There had to be no other explanation but to believe she conjured it up.
All his life, he thought being lean, being on the skinnier side was an indication of a failure to prove his masculinity. That skinny was undesirable… queer.
Now he wished he hadn't spent more time laboring in sweaty gyms. Slaving away when he really didn't prefer to. Now his thought was to lose the muscle quick. Snake eyes said he had a choice. But he wasn't so sure if the tone she used implied that he actually did.
That conversation was only the early signs of how deep throat this industry can be, especially for an optimistic hopeful like him.
During the course of the week, he was humbled even more so. Constantly shown that if he didn't adapt, he could easily be replaced.
'A million girls would kill for this job.' Emily Charlton said in devils wears Prada, referring to a fictional fashion magazine agency, and that applied just the same here.
He found that saying ringing at the back of his head every time he made a mistake. Which you'd be surprised at just how many he made. It ranged from not being able to speed walk in five inch platform shoes and a flowy outfit that simultaneously clung unto skin for life; to ripping a six hundred dollar original piece. Yes, that happened, which would put him in debt for the next three months. But at least he had a ripped gold Dior original design in his closet to show for it.
Somehow, by the end of the week, in between his busy schedules, he was able to find time to cry in his closet sized dorm, and realized that he needed someone.
He buzzed Chan.
The line fell silent.
He bit his lip before sighing in relief. He was so used to running to him first that he forgot that they broke up. Did Chan see his call and intentionally let it go into voicemail? If that was the case, he wasn't so sure how he felt about that.
So, he called Felix instead. As expected, he picked up almost immediately.
“Hey baby. How are ya?” His voice was happy and loud. And maybe a little drunk.
“I'm good. I'm so glad I can finally talk to you. I missed you so much.”
“Same!! Your schedule is mad crazy, it was so hard to get hold of you. But is that Anellie lady still giving you trouble?”
“Well, not her anymore. She's surprisingly the least of my problems.” He referred to the snake-eyed woman with stark white skin, who Felix was aware was his invigilator.
“I hope that's great news then….” His voice faded in the background.
“A bit, actually…" Hyunjin heard his muffled voice faintly in the background. “Hello? Felix.”
“Oh… sorry. I'm here. I just got distracted, can you believe it? There are monkeys here. This little one was just about to steal Changbin's backpack. Wanna switch to video call? It's so cute, you won't believe.”
He cringed thinking about Felix witnessing his puffy cry face. “Oh no…maybe next time. I'm in a dark room, the wifi is horrible… I'll disconnect before I even get to see it.”
“Well that's unfortunate.”
“Yeah. But now that I'm free, tell me all about your honeymoon. You seem to be having a blast.”
“Are you kidding? I'm having the time of my life. Let me fill you in on all the important details of day one, well, most of the important details.” He giggled before ranting on about his time in Durban, South Africa.
He listened. Happy that Felix was happy. Aware that he was unable to tell him about the shit time he was having. He couldn't, Felix was just so excited. He couldn't bring down the mood for him. He just couldn't. In some way, He was gaining a bit of comfort to see his best friend happy in an exotic fairy tale country with the man of his dreams.
“I'm happy for you, Lix.”
“I'm happy for you too. Not you living the a-list lifestyle. It's been something you wanted since… I don't know how long.”
“I wouldn't call it a-list.”
“Maybe not, but it's still a big accomplishment. Don't downplay it.”
“I won't. I'm grateful for this opportunity. No matter how stressful it can get.” His stomach grumbled, his hand fell on his stomach.
“Have you talked to Chan? I'm thinking it must be hard on him since you two haven't been separated since you were together.”
“Separated?” Was he aware of their breakup? Did Chan tell him already?
“I mean you're still technically together but still, long distance dating must be hard.”
“Oh, that. It… it is.” A sighed escaped his lips.
“How often have you two talked? With your busy schedule, I mean.”
“Well, I tried calling Chan before getting to you, but he didn't pick up.”
Oh? Isn't he working right now? If I have the timezone difference correct, he must be laboring away on his shift.”
“Really? I hope so…"
“Hope so?”
“I mean, he usually picks up his phone. So, it had me thinking…"
Felix made a dramatic sound through the phone.”Come on, you think he'd cheat on you?”
“I… don't.”
“You sound unsure.”
“I'm not. Honestly.”
“If you say so. You know Chan is not the type, it's probably just nerves because you've never been separated before. Besides, you know he picked up a job this holiday.”
“Yeah.” He managed to say before his voice ceased up. He didn't know that.
“Well, I have to go. Phones aren't allowed at this point of the sanctuary. I'll call you back in a few.”
“No need. I'm just going off to sleep now.”
“Ahh, beauty sleep. Talk to you later then.”
“Sure thing Lix.” He said before he heard the beeps indicating the end of the call.
He felt terrible. Felix wouldn't like that he was keeping stuff from him. With the fact that he was borderline struggling to adapt to the fact that he broke up with Chris. But he just doesn't know how to bring it up to him.
Not now.
His phone rang again and it seemed that Felix couldn't help but call again. He looked at the screen which wrote:
channie♡♡♡
He physically gasped, unsure yet relieved for some inexplicable reason. He was afraid of picking up the phone but considered, what could possibly happen? He missed hearing his voice afterall. He picked up the phone with shaky hands.
For the first time in forever, the first thing he heard for the first few seconds was awkward silence.
“Hey.” Chan finally said.
“Hey.” He replied.
“You called earlier. Did you need anything?”
“Oh, I did, didn't I? About that… I'm not sure. I just wanted to check up on you now that I'm free.”
“If that's the case, then I'm good. I'm good as I think I should be, even though you know… things aren't the same.”
He sighed into the phone and rested on the bed. “Yeah, I understand that. Things really aren't they way it used to be and I'm not sure how to deal with that.”
“To be honest, me too. If I did, I'd have called you earlier. I just wasn't too sure how you'd react.” His signature shy laugh escaped. Hyunjin smiled.
“I'd not have been upset. We're still friends after all.”
“Friends? Of course.”
“How did your presentation go? The Caprisure insurance company presentation thingy you deemed was more important than life itself.” He teased him with his previous words.
“Well it was important and I did good, I hope. I got scouted by a few companies that were out networking. I'm guessing that's a good sign.”
"That's a great sign. They were impressed and wanted to ensure that you sign with them once you graduate.”
“If you think so.”
“I know so. That's the basics of head-hunting I learned in my first year business course.”
“It's weird how you have everything from that course memorized and constantly apply it to the real world.”
“It just stuck, I guess. I weirdly enjoyed that course.”
“You enjoy weird things.”
“Hey, weird is an off-putting and inaccurate word to use for my interests.” Hyunjin rolled my eyes and Chan laughed. "Hey, you know what's weirder?”
“What? Are you going to take a jab at my food preferences?”
Hyunjin laughed. “Of course not. Not this time, Mr. olives-and-plain-white-rice.”
“Hey…" he dragged.
“What, you asked for it. What I actually wanted to say was that I find it weird that you're so close to graduating. And what's weirder is that if I stayed, I would have graduated with you.”
“That is a weird thought all of a sudden, isn't it? Though I think taking the break was a good decision, since this project opens a lot of doors for you in the field you're interested in.”
“I hope so.”
“Hey, I wanted to ask how things over there? We really haven't gotten the chance to talk about it.”
“If you're curious, it's wonderful. I… I'm grateful for this opportunity.” He said like a parrot regurgitating words once said to him.
“I'm glad to hear it. If you're happy, then I'm happy.”
“Thanks Chan, I hope you're doing well. I know you took up a job.”
“Yes, a good a job in retail. I hope that it'll look good on my résumé.”
“Most likely, but don't overwork yourself.”
“I barely will, trust me.”
“I do.”
“Did you eat?” He asked. A habitual question of his. Them not being together would not stop him being on the lookout for his health, it seemed. But just for today, Hyunjin couldn't be honest with him.
“Yes. I did.” His stomach turned at the reminder of food, which he hadn't seen for hours. “What about you? Did you have your lunch?”
“Not yet, but I will soon enough.”
“Great.”
More silence. Silence that did not feel as comfortable as it used to.
“Well, I guess if that's all, I'll be off then.” He announced.
“Oh yes. Good night Channie.”
“Goodnight then. I love…" silence loomed for a few seconds. “I mean bye.”
The phone call cut off.
He was about to say it. That he loved him. And Hyunjin wanted to hear it just as much as Chan wanted to say it.
Right at that moment, he realized that this was the last time he might ever hear him say that he loved him. And it made him wonder if he was ready to face that reality.