Chapter Text
"Yuzuru!" Ibara called, just loud enough to be heard over the mud. "Come be dogs with me!"
The phrasing stood out as one thing that didn't seem perfect in the memory. It wasn't a mistake, though. Neither of them were free to play dogs, exactly. Even if no one was there, it felt right to justify dogs as a real state of being. Something like digging a trench, prepping a wound. He was simply slightly too stupid to think of better words at that age.
"What?" Yuzuru must have said. There must have been a lot of confusion and protest. It hadn't been something that mattered to him, so in the repetitions it had slipped away.
What was eternal was that somehow they both ended up on all fours running through mud and tall grass. They barked and searched for an imaginary soldier to rescue. At some point Ibara fell to the ground and cried, mimicking a dying dog with all the dedication he displayed in taking apart a firearm. If this was not playing it had to be given equal weight.
In that context it made sense that it would eventually mean sinking into the dirt while your packmate cried for you to stay alive, pulling you out by his teeth. It must have been a little hand lightly tugging in reality, but he never saw skin in his recollections. He saw dogs.
With every year that this memory resurfaced in his dreams or overtook him when it looked like he might fail, it frustrated him more. It frustrated him that he could not objectively reconstruct the version that must have truly happened. Two dirty children screaming and spindling around a tiny patch of mud. One engrossed and the other playing along half-heartedly. Their legs probably rose an ugly inch higher than their arms and left them unbalanced and strange. It was the kind of thing you couldn't even be mad about being punished for because it was obviously inane and disgusting, a waste of precious energy.
He sometimes tried to direct a version like this in his head, but it was always a transparent layer on top of the more vivid scene of two canine forms gliding across the landscape. The sunset made them beautiful, and they were very small despite their strength. Puppies, children. Probably with big, good parents that died at the hands of even bigger, evil hunters. Not ones that lived somewhere within middle distance and simply didn't care.
Some years ago he had read that memories change with each summons, which only made it worse. He tried to control his recall of things as best he could, but that damn dog memory– if you could call it a memory at all now– reoccurred endlessly. He always had the problem of having five to fifteen layers of internal monologue running parallel, but most of it could be ignored. He tended to find something useful in one layer to focus on, but being dogs was like some kind of parasitic delusion. Sometimes he imagined himself smashing the dogs with a giant rock before they could do anything disgustingly cinematic and beautiful.
Even that annoyed him. The rock. It would be more efficient if it were an MK23 or a poisoned piece of meat. With the rock they tended to wriggle out of their own pulp and keep running. It made him anxious to kill them in any way that mattered. He was still a half-rate soldier.
He woke up from another dog dream and slammed himself in the forehead. Whatever part of his mind was trying to manipulate him into feeling some unproductive emotion would not win with stupid tricks like this. He would persist at being an efficient system of organs unfettered by sensitivities. He didn't need to be overly human or organic. He wasn't so stupid as to think he could succeed at being fully human anyhow, but he would never choose to be a dog.
"Ibara..." Nagisa spoke up in the middle of a meeting with idiots in charge of other idiots about how to spend funds on promoting more idiocy. What was the actual topic? "You don't look very well…"
"You're excellency–" He began to respond and then caught the eye of the man who had evidently been speaking. He reprimanded himself silently and then tried to give Nagisa a respectful look that still communicated they needed to be quiet.
"I think Ibara is too sick to talk." Nagisa spoke up again and Ibara shrunk, looking politely embarassed for cutting off the idiocy presentation. "I think he needs to step outside, please excuse us."
"Your excellency-!" The table of suits nodded obligingly, much to his surprise, and he had to walk out to avoid being dragged. When it was just the two of them his face darkened a bit. "Your excellency… I appreciate your assistance, but I would appreciate it even more if you would consider not making a scene. I don't want us to lose any footing by looking out of sorts in front of–"
"I think you already looked out of sorts… You hadn't even spoken up and said 'hmm' or 'oh yes' in the middle of people's presentations. It was unsettling me."
"I apologize for unsettling you…" Bastard. Bastard. Bastard. Okay, he felt a bit more together now. "But really, I'm fine! Don't worry, I'm only trying a new method of… radical listening. As they say!"
"As who says…?"
"What?"
"Who says that?"
"..." This damn– "I wouldn't want to waste your time with the details, your excellency! You should use your memory on more important things."
"It sounds interesting, though. Especially if it's making you listen to people more..."
"Ghh… It's just one of those things American businessmen practice…" He was trying to think of anything that made sense because he didn't feel like having any kind of honest conversation. Not even a conversation ten steps away from the truth would be good right now. "They don't interject so much in English."
"Hm... I have heard that." Nagisa nodded and Ibara relaxed every so slightly. "But why were you so pale, and why were your eyebrows twitching…?"
Ibara's eyebrow must have twitched again because Nagisa nudged the air curiously. He quietly imagined himself spontaneously combusting, instantly killing them both, to cope with the embarrassment. Then he took a breath and smiled. "Hm. I suppose I didn't quite get my usual five hours."
"I see… You and Hiyori would suggest I take a nap that situation…"
"I am not going to take a nap."
"Why?"
He was seething, but did his best to give passive-aggressive answers instead of telling him he would rather gnaw a leg off then be tucked into a bed like a grub that sleeps before 2 AM. This topic would never go anywhere good, he just needed to end it.
"Say, if you're going to walk me all the way to the elevator, why don't we stop at the gym and get a bit of practice in?"
"No."
Ibara fell silent, his mouth hanging open for a moment as Nagisa pulled him into the elevator. He tried to subtly press the open door button, but Nagisa's eyes were trained on him. This was defcon-2, time to switch strategies…
In the time he spent formulating a great new plan, they had somehow ended up at an ice cream shop.
An ice cream shop?!
"I am not–"
"But this is your ice cream shop, Ibara… If anyone shares pictures of you avoiding your own product, your profits might be affected…"
Ibara stared up at Nagisa, who was holding two cups of ice cream decorated like puppies. Of course he would get that… He seethed for a moment, but the sight of Nagisa holding those did balance his cortisol levels somewhat. Even if he was being insolent and plotting again.
He poked at his ice cream unenthusiastically. It's face seemed so free of concerns. Irritating. It probably wanted him to get on all fours and trot home.
"Tch." Out of anger he ate a bite, making sure to scoop out its eye. Its attitude had made him eat ice cream! Ice cream! Of all foods! The most useless, worthless, deficient slop–
"Are you mad at him…?"
Ibara jolted up and tried to think of who Nagisa could mean. He had no reason to know he was dreaming about Yuzuru… but who? There wasn't anyone else. He narrowed his eyes and tried to think of something, anything he'd spilled.
"I'm not thinking about anyone, Your excellency! I'm not sure what gave you the impression I was."
"Hm? Oh... I meant your puppy. You killed him by taking out his eye…"
Ibara's empty smile dropped.
"But… if you are thinking about someone, you should trust me." He took bites of his ice cream that were carefully calculated to keep its face intact. "After Bogietime you seemed refreshed, but this week you almost seem like the Ibara from a long time ago."
"Ah…" He wanted to be mad, but the one two punch of absurdity and kindness made him realize something. Something. Still, he didn't want to think about it, to dissect whatever the feeling he'd been hit with was. His instincts told him to keep things close to his chest. But thinking of Bogietime… "I suppose… I have been preoccupied. With… thoughts."
Nagisa just nodded and ate more ice cream. He wanted to scold him for being so carefree with his calories to push away the discomfort, but he would feel… bad. Ugh.
"I prefer not to bother too much with emotions." He took a bite of his own ice cream just in case someone was sneaking photographs. "But I've been thinking about what Jimenyan said."
"Oh…?"
"I expected you to scold me for the first sentence." He chuckled a bit, which somehow made him feel exhausted. This was why letting his guard down was so difficult. "But, yes. He told me it was better to be laughed at than ignored."
"Making people laugh is a skill, after all... My jokes are always misunderstood."
Nagisa was clearly talking just to show he was listening, but it made Ibara chuckle nonetheless.
"You know that I hate any unplanned attention. I've always thought it was better to be alone if it meant I was in control. It's still the optimal strategy." He furrowed his brow and reluctantly ate more ice cream. He continued to dismember the dog's face to vent his stress. "But suddenly I feel… alone."
"I'm here, and so is Hiyori, and Jun, and Hajime, and Anzu, and-"
"I appreciate your kindness, your excellency, but if you list everyone we know your ice cream will melt~ I know you don't want to waste your allowance."
"I suppose so. Actually… I think that's all your friends anyway…"
"Hmph." He felt a little offended. He definitely had two more friends at least on a technicality. "Well, anyhow. Yes, I know those people. But I don't feel… satisfied."
"Satisfied…?"
"Satisfied."
A thick silence hung in the air, one which should have been cut by the all the children laughing and screaming through sticky lips around them, but felt more noxious instead. Neither of them knew how to puzzle out what he felt.
"...Was the person you were thinking of Hajime, then?" Nagisa asked, trying a different approach. His ice cream's skull caved in on itself and he finally ate its face in one merciful bite.
"No." Ibara gritted his teeth and prodded at his own puppy dog's nose and mouth.
"Who then…?"
"..." He shifted them further apart, digging them further into its flesh until it was probably begging him to kill it. He dug a spoon in and imagined scooping out its brain. "Yuzuru."
"Ah…" He knew Nagisa knew things. Everytime he had a lapse of control and confessed things about his life Nagisa would collect them. His unique memory meant details were rarely out of place. He was often terrified to realize that his recollection of even recent memories didn't match up to what Nagisa recalled.
"Maybe that's why you aren't satisfied..." Nagisa swirled what remained in his cup and nibbled it a bit more carefully. "You should contact him."
"Ha! I think I'd be better off not sleeping!" A sick smile immediately twitched onto Ibara's face and he leaned backwards like Nagisa might infect him with the idea. "I'm only experiencing mild suffering, after all! Even if it lasted the rest of my life it would be better than that."
"Hm…" Nagisa looked suspicious. Ibara squinted at him and he relaxed, going back to what remained of his ice cream. "I suppose that's how it'll be then."
Ibara,
I received word from Ran that you wanted to speak with me. I was surprised to see you hadn't blocked me here on HoldHands. I'm warmed to see you are beginning to have a change of heart. Of course, I make myself available to you.
Reply at your leisure,
Fushimi Yuzuru
Damnit Damnit Damnit Damnit Damnit Damnit Damnit Damnit Damnit Damnit Damnit Damnit Damnit Damnit------
Nagisa. That idiot. That evil little amoeba. He was ready to kill God and take control of his own destiny right now. How hard could it be?? Easy. It would be easy. Just set a pipe bomb big enough to obliterate the dorms-
"Ibara, you're growling…" Nagisa turned to him from his spot on the couch. He was sitting there, waiting for his dinner to be finished, as if he hadn't been plotting behind the scenes to ruin Ibara's entire life. "If you're planning to kill me, just know you won't succeed."
Bastard. Bastard!!!!!!! Die!!!!!!!!!!
"Hahaha! My apologies, your excellency! I would never dream of such a thing, I live to serve you! Even if you robbed me of all my dignity, my agency, my life, I could only stay by your side!"
He quietly imagined he was prepping a letter full of anthrax while he folded Nagisa's omelet.
"Now eat this." His rage was transforming and shifting a million times per minute and he knew Nagisa wouldn't be fooled by any posturing. He dropped the plate in front of him and grabbed the stupid chunk of geode he was rolling around in his hands. "I think you've lost rock privileges for at least two hours!"
"..." Nagisa frowned and took his plate, nibbling at it unenthusiastically.
Ibara had no idea how to proceed, so he just stared at him. Eventually when his body stopped shaking he'd think of some great punishment.
"What did he say to you…?" Nagisa spoke up in a measured tone.
"Shut up."
A poisonous silence set in as they both stared at the blank dorm television. Ibara kept the corners of his vision crisp, ready to strike if Nagisa tried to prod him again. Normally this silence would be enough to calm him down, but Yuzuru's message kept repeating in his head. Not just the message. The dogs. The damn dogs.
"Ohh, who's been cooking? Smells good in here~"
Ibara's head shot back so fast he heard his neck pop. He zeroed in on the source of the voice and glared. It was that blonde idiot from UNDEAD.
"Huh?" He seemed to sense that he was in danger and took a step back. "Uhh… Sorry, Ran's friend. I'll–"
"No, it's okay…" Nagisa spoke up. Without permission. "Ibara is grumpy because he–"
"Sh-"
"Because he–"
"Shut–"
"Well, he is in a poor mood… I was trying to help him, but we're sitting in silence for now. However, this is a common space. So don't mind us, Hakaze."
"Uh…" The idiot who Ibara had now remembered was named Kaoru Hakaze fumbled around. "Right…"
Nagisa smiled and nodded at him with a confidence that cleared the air a bit, which Ibara didn't appreciate. He wanted to scream, but he didn't want to do anything remotely vulnerable in front of this idiot.
"Sooo…" Kaoru seemed to be the subspecies of idiot that can't be quiet. He was even bad at getting pans out of the cabinets without them screeching against each other. "How silent does it gotta be…? Like, can I turn the TV onnnn… orrr…"
Ibara stopped listening to whatever they were droning on about. He could barely get through his own haze anyhow. He wanted to break his phone. That message. That smug… false kindness. Yuzuru was a disgusting liar. But the worst part was he couldn't stop formulating responses in his head. Everytime he stopped one, another would begin. It was like his mind was trying to run simulations on how to make the perfect response.
Wait. Yes. Maybe he could write the perfect retort. Maybe if he thought through enough scenarios he'd find the one that would prove his superiority to Yuzuru. Yes!
He took out his phone, shaking a little. The adrenaline was running so high he could barely think. Yet somehow he was nothing but thoughts. He could see ten different outcomes. He could pick out the one that seemed the most real. He had tactics, strategies.
Yuzuru,
I don't need any empty words from you. I will never submit that you are an authority on any subject or experience. You should not speak to me out of obligation to his excellency, nor out of the obligation you carried in our childhood's that led you to pose as someone who cared for me. You nor I have any reason to lie in this regard.
In so many words, I outrank you in this new world. Your posturing towards warmth only shows a disrespect for me and my work.
All the best,
Ibara Saegusa
Confidentiality Notice: The information contained in and transmitted with this communication is strictly confidential, it is only for the use of the intended recipient, and is the property of COSPRO. Any information from this email shared with a third party will result in immediate legal action.
"Hahahah!" Perfect! It was airtight, well-written, and illegal to leak. He sounded so… measured! So above it all!
"Ohhh… I get what you meant by him needing a reset now."
"Yes. I think he's going to be happier now…"
Ibara finally looked up from his phone and realized the two of them were talking about him. Had they been doing that the entire time?! What had he missed?! Gh– It didn't matter! He would just ensure they didn't get any insight into his scathing response and then they wouldn't have anything else to talk about. Hahahaha!
"Pardon me, just sending an email." He adjusted his glasses and tried to take a very normal deep breath. Kaoru winced ever so slightly and he glared at him politely. "Nothing important. Keep talking freely amongst yourselves!"
"Yeahh… So, Uh, can me and Ran–"
"Yes, yes!" He stood up from the couch and saluted, jumping a bit when his phone hit him in the forehead. Augh, yes. Send send send– "I– let me– I'm going to step out. Please ensure his excellency does not watch any home shopping programs."
Kaoru smiled awkwardly and did a much more… effeminate version of a salute. Was he mocking him? Or was that an attempt to look cool? Whatever. He didn't have time to concern himself with this. He rushed out of the room towards his dorm to sit in bed and wait to receive a response. Or better yet, no response. Maybe he would have bested Yuzuru enough to end this once and for all!
He had just settled in to bed, full on tea and a round of supplements, ready to get some work done while he awaited the next move in their game. He knew Yuzuru would be furious, would finally show his hand. He was imagining the thirtieth potential outcome… when he realized it was already there. A quiet notification among many. His adrenaline shot so high his heart felt like it might explode. He was ready to debate Yuzuru into the ground.
When he'd finished reading his body felt cold. The excitement had been sucked into a newly humid atmosphere.
Ibara,
I have to ask a question I know you will dislike and I apologize for that. But I can't let go of this chance while I still have it. Why do you believe I did everything only out of obligation?
I am sorry for the ways I've failed you.
Yuzuru Fushimi