Chapter Text
Tissaia,
I do not know why I write this, with no intention of you ever reading it. By all accounts, it is a bit of a waste of paper. Perhaps leaving Aretuza, which admittedly has transformed from my prison into my home at some point, has caused me to lose it completely. Well, not completely. We both remember what the last time I went that far looked like. I remember because I chose to keep the evidence on my body, and you likely remember because you were the one who patched me back up.
But I digress. The purpose of this silly little exercise is to let you know that I know what I did, even though you will never actually know. That, of course, does not mean that I regret it or feel in any way apologetic about it. You and I both know that Aedirn is the only viable placement for me, and if your reaction that day in your office is any indication, you did not even agree a little bit with that precious Chapter of yours. Though, if we are being honest, I did relish seeing you with your pipe – always did. If anyone else held it that way, they would look like a pompous ass, but all you portrayed with it was grace and elegance. How long did you practice that trick? How long until you got it right?
The Chapter possibly (likely) giving you trouble is the only thing I would apologize for if we met in the near future. Although I admittedly am unsure how I would feel, meeting you again so soon. A mix of delight and nervousness? I cannot possibly be sure. Consumed by my emotions as I am (see? I listen to you more than you think), I would probably avoid an encounter either way. I truly believe I would, for I cannot forget the last time we saw one another. The look of utter betrayal on your beautiful face broke my heart.
You took me in, saved me from my poor excuse of a father, you gave me all I could ever need, and an education to top it all off…. And yet here I was, seemingly throwing it all back in your face. Seemingly is the key word here, because I will never forget what you did for me. I may have grown up to be selfish, but not ungrateful. The world is cold and selfish, and the Chapter’s support is as fickle as the weather, or as a peasant’s faith in his gods. Most sorcerers in the Chapter are entitled asses trying to come out on top and further their own gains. That’s how I learned to look out for myself first – the hard way and late, but I learned. It’s just not something I learned from you, because it is not something you could teach. Which makes me wonder how you stay in such a place – riddled with corruption and nepotism – when you clearly don’t belong there. Then again, I could never imagine you anywhere else.
You might be one of the only decent members of the Chapter, but you’re also stubborn. Sometimes it felt as though you insisted on your point simply because you felt challenged by someone in a way that did not agree with you. As stubborn as an ox, I thought sometimes, which was funny considering that you would have been a rather small ox. But I wouldn’t have been surprised seeing you fight someone thrice your size in that analogy. You probably would have won, too. Do you know that Fringilla never quite forgave you for watching her as she dried her arm until it went black? Some disagreed with that style of teaching and called it barbaric and ancient. But you turned them into eels anyway, so it hardly matters now, does it?
This is it, I suppose. There is no point in telling you that this major change in my life fills me with both excitement and a smidgen of nervousness. You’re never going to read this, so there’s also little point in writing that, despite everything, I will miss you. By the gods, I already do. An entirely misguided feeling, I am sure. I have no business missing you, not when we are likely nothing to each other now. But I do. A little. When I was younger, I still had the ridiculous notion that I’d meet you on your level once I became a proper mage and took my place at Court, but you have seen so much more of this world that I am no longer under the illusion that it will take me any less than six decades to even remotely catch up to your level of experience. You never did give anyone a straight answer to the question of how old you were, was that by design? Either way, what I am trying to say is…. Take care, Tissaia. If you ever have need of me, I hope it will not be too soon.