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It’s been 4 months. 4 of the best months of idia’s life. 4 months of waking up with Cater Diamond in his bed. When they’d first become friends at the beginning of the year, idia had been terrified. As soon as he’d gotten used to being friends, after a few short months he’d had to be terrified again at the prospect of being fuck buddies. But Cater had always been the one to take that step first and assuage idia’s fears. And, in the end, Idia had ended up happier than ever.
But now idia was terrified again. And this time Cater couldn’t save him. Not without him speaking first and telling Cater the truth. That he’d fallen in love with him. But he couldn’t just keep it to himself. He had to say something because he’d almost accidentally said it twice and if he said it unprepared it’d be so much more cringy. He just had to bite the bullet and hope it didn’t ruin everything. Worst case scenario, Cater didn’t love him and got weirded out and then the world blew up from Idia’s embarrassment. Ouch.
It’ll be fine.
Idia and cater were laying naked, side by side in Idia’s bed. Was this the right time? Maybe. Idia felt comfortable and warm and Cater seemed happy.
“Hey cater, I have to tell you something.” Good start Idia, not the actual worst for once, he thought to himself.
“Yeah idi, what’s up?”
“I think (breathe idia breathe you can do this) I think I’m falling in love with you.”
Silence.
Idia was panicking inside. Fuck he ruined everything. shit. fuck.
“Shit idia. I uh,” Caters breathing was speeding up. He sat up and started to get out of the bed. “I think it’s better if I just go.”
“Oh.” Idia’s brain stalled and then the taksie backsie engine started spluttering to life. “Wait Cater don’t go. It’s fine we can just go back to how it was, I won’t be weird I promise.” Idia wasn’t sure, but he thought he could see tears sliding down Cater’s face as he pulled on his pants, scrambling to get out the door.
“No it’s not, I have to go before- I can’t-“
“If you don’t love me back just say so and we’ll be friends again.” This blew up so fast, and now Cater was halfway dressed and out the door. He couldn’t believe he’d just leave without even a response. This was the worst case scenario. Apocalypse now.
“But I can’t say that, but I also-“ cater paused, now clearly sobbing silently as he pulled his shirt over his head, inside out, “I can’t stay.”
“Why- wait what? You can’t say that you don’t love me?”
Cater stopped for a second, shirt off again as he tried to get it right side out. He looked at Idia and his face was splotchy and tear stained. Idia had never seen him cry before. Slowly, Cater shook his head.
“So you don’t hate me for falling in love with you?” Another shake of Cater’s head. “And you love me too?”
Cater seemed frozen in time, like a horse about to either calm or bolt but you can’t tell which. And then he bolted. He left everything, even his phone and the shirt he’d been trying to turn right side in.
It was over. Idia had ruined everything.
Cater ran. He ran through ignihyde and and the mirror chamber, back to Heartslabyul. It was the middle of the night so hopefully no one was around to watch him sprint past, sobbing with no shirt or shoes. Fuck what a disaster.
Why did he even run? No he knew that. But why couldn’t he have just said no and left calmly. And now idia had seen the worst of him. Maybe that’d make this easier.
Cater ran through the hallway intending to lock himself in his room as long as reasonably possible. But he ran right into a wall he didn’t remember being there. Oh- not a wall. Trey.
“Oh sorry Trey,” he said, attempting to slip past without his appearance being noted.
“Cater?” Trey asked blinking, he wasn’t even wearing his glasses. “Oh my god Cater are you okay?” He said looking blearily back down at Cater’s haggard appearance. Cater just stood there. Too tired to lie. Too tired to explain.
“How about I get you a blanket and you come with me to the kitchen for tea?” Cater had wanted to be alone, but tea sounded life saving right now. He nodded, and Trey left him there while he got a big fuzzy blanket, and his glasses, from his room and wrapped Cater in it, ushering him to the kitchen.
Trey made tea in silence and then sat across from Cater as they both sipped at too hot tea. He gave Cater tissues. Cater wanted to blurt out everything. But he didn’t want to make it worse by spreading his confusion around and involving more people… and this also went against everything he ever tried to show Trey. But maybe that bridge burned as soon as he ran into the wall of Trey in the hallway.
“I think I’ve lost someone important to me.”
Trey looked surprised, which was fair since Cater never shared, but still.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. But I need to, if,” Cater was trying. He was trying to share. “If that’s okay?”
Trey simply nodded and put down his tea.
“Idia told me he’s fallen in love with me. I didn’t say it back.”
“You’re dating idia?”
“No. Just sleeping with him.”
“Jesus Cater I don’t know anything about you sometimes. How long?”
“Four months.”
“Holy shit. And he’s in love with you. Are you in love with him?”
Cater could start here if he wanted to deny it. Easier than to Idia’s face.
“Yes.” His heart hammered at the admission. “But it doesn’t matter. Or it just makes it worse.”
“Makes what worse?”
Here it was. Airing all his secrets. It didn’t even matter. He was tired. “Leaving. Eventually I’ll leave. And it’ll be awful if I let myself indulge in this. It’s better if I just cut and run now. It always is.”
“Oh. Why would you have to leave? Just because you live far away?”
“No, Trey because I always leave. That’s who I fucking am! That’s why I can’t- that’s why I can’t have this.”
The kitchen was silent after than ringing admission. Trey started to clear away the tea cups.
“I don’t really know that much about you Cater. I love you, you’re my best friend. But you’ve always been a closed book with a flashy cover, and that’s okay with me. If that’s what you need. But it also means I can’t answer this for you, because I don’t know what that whole statement means. All I can say is that in my experience sometimes you can care so much, that it’s worth the pain of losing, in the end.” He finished the two dishes and turned back around. “Now, I’m going back to sleep. I hope things work out, and if not you can come to me to talk. If you ever want to again. Keep the blanket.”
“It’s over Ortho. I’m never speaking to another person face to face again. I can’t be trusted.” Idia bemoaned from his desk chair, hands flipping over the keyboard doing routine diagnostics. Comfort diagnostics.
After Cater left, Idia stared at the door for what felt like 19 months before Ortho came floating through it, presumably conjured from his new room next door by all the shouting and door slamming. Ortho had given Idia a hug, and convinced him to put on sweats and try playing a comfort game or something. 20 minutes later, Idia was slightly calmer.
“Do you feel up to hearing my analysis of the situation?” Ortho asked tentatively, wanting to help but not wanting to upset Idia further.
“Sure whatever. It can’t possibly make me feel worse.”
“From what you have shared with me, and the detailed information I have that picked up through the wall,” Idia blushed. Maybe he should soundproof the room. If Cater ever came back. “I believe the conversation does not point to a conflict of interest.”
“What? I’m an emotionally wrung sponge ortho, tutorial level explanation please.”
“It is my belief that Cater Diamond also harbors feelings for you. It seems that outside forces are causing him distress in discussing the situation.”
“You- you really think he loves me too?”
“He explicitly expressed that he was unable to tell you the opposite. That is clear to me. Most online resources suggest that you should try and talk it over with him before letting it stew.”
“I don’t want to make it worse. Today has already been the worst day of my life.”
“I think you should go after him.”
“You- I don’t know…”
“Do you not trust your own analytics algorithm? Go. After. Him. There is a 86% probability that he loves you back.”
“I’ll look crazy if I just chase him through Heartslabyul!”
“Everyone will be asleep.”
“Okay fuck this. I’ve already ruined this run, we’re going for the bad ending.” Idia pulled on shoes, and left the dorm.
As he walked to Heartslabyul he tried out beginnings to conversations.
“Hey, uh, can we maybe expand on- no that’s awful.”
“I need to know- that sounds like an order.”
Far too soon and regretting his life choices, idia was wandering the hallways of Heartslabyul. He’d never been to Cater’s room before. But luckily he didn’t have to find it because he saw a blanket wearing Spector turn the corner in front of him. He sped up to see if it was who he thought it might be and sure enough, ginger hair poked out the top of the blanket cape.
“Cater!”
Cater turned around. He looked a mess. A stunning, beautiful, awful mess. His hair was still sex rumpled and everywhere. His eyes still swollen. He didn’t have shoes and the blanket was clearly covering bare shoulders. Idia wanted to kiss him.
“We uh- no uh- you… you don’t owe me anything. But if you’re able to, I’m want to talk about what happened. And I want to hear the truth. Please.” After a long long minute, Cater sighed.
“Okay.” Came Cater's tired voice. A hand reached out of the blanket and grabbed idia’s, pulling him into a nearby room. Cater’s room.
“I got the feeling that it wasn’t that you were unhappy with what we have that made you leave. Can- will you tell me about what happened?”
Cater took a deep breath. Maybe if he explained this it wouldn’t be so painful to bare. Talking to Trey helped. “I’m in love with you.”
Idia sucked in a breath. Ortho already said as much, and he was trying not to get his hopes up but-
“But I knew I had to break that off now. If I kept going I’d only hurt us both.”
Idia couldn’t even answer, too stunned and confused. He just looked on in confusion.
“My whole life I’ve always left the things that are important to me. I’ve never gotten to keep anything. And I know that if we continue this, one day I’ll have to leave. And I don’t think I could take it.”
“What if I followed you?” Idia asked. It came like an instinct, a response written into the code of his DNA.
“What?”
“So what if you had to leave where you were? I work on online technologies, I can go anywhere you go.” Cringe. CRINGE Jesus idia might as well propose.
“No one has ever followed me before.”
“Oh- uh… sorry I didn’t mean to be even more weird.”
“No. It’s actually not weird at all. You’d really do that?”
“I said I would didn’t I? You picked a clingy weirdo, so you get what you get.” He earned a tiny smile from Cater at that. His face dimmed again a little as he began to speak.
“I’m still scared.”
“Me too.” This was almost going well. Don’t mess it up idia, he thought. “Do you maybe want to be scared together?” That was so cliche-
“I think maybe I could be ready to try that.”
Holy shit holy shit you did it idia you mad genius you-
Cater continued on, interrupting Idia’s thoughts.
“Although at this point the choice has apparently long been made for me. I’m head over heels in love with you Idia Shroud, and I don’t know how to deal with it.”
“I’m in love with you too Cater Diamond. Terrified doesn’t even begin to describe how little I know how to deal with this. At least we aren’t alone. I’m not leaving you alone for as long as you let me.”
“Shit Idia. That was such a raw line to pull on someone who’s been crying for 40 minutes.” And Cater pulled him right in and kissed him. “I’m exhausted. Can we sleep here? I haven’t been back to my room since yesterday.”
“Uh yeah I guess. If you haven’t been back where’d you get this blanket though?”
“I stole it from Trey. It’s been an eventful evening. I’ll tell you later.”
Finally they’re laying in the dark again. Less than one very eventful hour from where they started.
“You’ll really follow me?”
“Anywhere that has wifi.”
“Ha! I love you.”
“I love you too.”