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"I'm sick of your tantrums. I'm sick of you!", Kazama had shouted.
Yes, he had.
And immediately regretted it when his heart shattered into a million pieces seeing Shinnosuke's face. This was probably the first time he had seen him hurt like that. And this wasn't even the worst of their fights. And if he could, he would hug his lover so many times and say sorry over and over again.
But he let his anger get the better of him, and in middle of the night, a freezy night, he rushed outside his house to get some fresh air and to cool off his head. The action now had evolved into an hour long walk beneath the only few stars visible in the night sky. Kazama found himself searching for a place to sit, when he finally felt tired and worn out. The nearest place he could see was the bench in the playground.
When Kazama stepped inside the playground, he couldn't register how different it looked at night, under the moonlight. Maybe because the lamp lights weren't on, one might argue that the ground even looked a bit creepy. But Kazama was past that. He didn't feel afraid, especially now that he was revisiting the place after much time. Where he, Shinnosuke and others made so many memories, too many to count.
He sat down at the damp bench while curling slightly inside his overcoat, warming his hand with the blows from his mouth that he peeked out at uniform time intervals. The night indeed felt long, dark and cold. Being there, however, helped Kazama feel grounded. He was now thinking straight, no longer consumed by instanse rage.
He recalled once again, what had happened in the first place.
After a long and exhausting day at work, Kazama wanted nothing but to return back to the warmth of his home, and Shinnosuke.
He had, however, returned home to a very, very messy house, that wasn't in the same chaotic conditions in the morning. It seemed like so many people had been there.
"What happened?", he had mumbled, and then looked for Shinnosuke, who was in the living room, watching something on the TV.
"Shinnosuke", he had called out when his presence wasn't immediately realised by his lover.
"Ah, Kazama-kun. Hi.", Shinnosuke had greeted him just as quickly as he had returned his attention back on the show.
Kazama stripped off from the outer layers of his clothing and neatly arranged them, each article sent to the place it belonged to, only then coming back to see Shinnosuke didn't move an inch.
"Would you mind telling me what happened to the house?", he asked finally, picking up wrappers of snacks and paper cups from the floor while eyeing the leftover mess he would have to clean.
"Nothin' special. I just invited some friends over and we hung out.", he nonchalantly spoke, eyes and attention never really leaving the TV.
After what felt like a good 10 minutes of cleaning, the house finally seemed normal, to a certain extent. Kazama, now extremely exhausted, plopped on the sofa next to Shinnosuke.
He had waited for the other to reach out to him, hugging him till he was all nice and warm again. Instead, when Shinnosuke showed no response, Kazama reached out his hand to hold Shinnosuke's but had to nudge the other to focus his attention on him, still.
"Aren't you going to ask me how my day went?", he had bitterly smiled and said that, hoping Shinnosuke would notice that he wasn't feeling too good, and that he wanted to be comforted.
Shinnosuke didn't seem to get the hint, and so nodded and replied with a quick, "How was it?"
Kazama, in that moment, felt pretty thrown off by the fact that the other's eyes didn't move at all. Maybe upset enough to not want to talk to Shinnosuke about his day. But he did anyways.
Shinnosuke, at times nodded and squeezed his hands to express that he was listening, but actually showed no real interest, his focus always being on TV.
When it was too much to bear, Kazama had removed his hand from the hold and demanded, "Shinnosuke, look at me."
"Just wait! This, this part is the most fun, just a second."
"No, please.", Kazama was visibly agitated now, "Look at me."
"What is it?", Shinnosuke turned to face him and asked in a hurry, ready to turn back to the TV anytime.
When Kazama felt he had enough of his attention, he softly began, "You know that you also have responsibility in chores right? Some days, when I'm really tried, like today, can you please help me lean on you a little, atleast regarding the chores? I know you're tired too but if we do it tog-"
Kazama had abruptly snatched the TV remote out of Shinnosuke's hand and turned the TV off instantly, when he saw Shinnosuke not paying attention to him, again.
"Hey! Why'd you do that?", Shinnosuke had stood up as Kazama did, reaching his hand out for the remote playfully, "Just give me 5 minutes, the show will end and then we'll talk as much as you want!"
"Shinnosuke, this isn't a joke!", Kazama was unusually impatient when he tossed the remote on the sofa and pointed at the mess around it, "Tell me, why didn't you clean that up?"
"It's only been like some hours since that was there! I was eventually gonna clean it up.", Shinnosuke pouted, reaching out for the remote again. That's when Kazama snapped.
"Seriously? Seriously, Shinnosuke?! Can you just please stop looking for a show on the goddamn TV screen and listen to me for one moment?" he said in his ever growing frustrated tone, "I come home exhausted from work, and am welcomed by this messy house, a guy who's not paying any attention to me, who caused said mess, and hour long worth of chores that I'll do alone, again."
Shinnosuke was now listening, but couldn't grasp Kazama's frustration.
"I told you I'd do it, now just sit down and watch this show with me!", he smiled and tried to drag Kazama with him, but Kazama jerked his hand away.
"Do you even want me anymore?", he roughly blurted out, eyes ready to be wet anytime.
Shinnosuke was surprised, so much so that he decided to let go of the remote and come near his lover, "Toru, oh, what happened? Why are you crying? Of course I-"
"Don't lie to me! Please.", Kazama held back a long forming sob, "It's not about today, it's about every single day. It doesn't feel like it used to, Shinnosuke. You don't... treat me, love me, like you did. And I'm so, so sick of your tantrums! I'm sick of you!"
Oh, no. Kazama's inner voice had said, it overflowed. Too late to take that back now.
And the inner voice had stopped when he had seen Shinnosuke, the face he had when he heard those words.
The Kazama sitting in the playground wiped his wet eyes yet again. Where did it come from? He wondered, too. It was long overdue, the discussion.
Living together had proven to be more tense on their relationship than Kazama had anticipated. And he honestly felt overwhelmed, struggling to find routine and balance in his daily life with Shinnosuke. Opposites definitely attract, but it takes a lot of force for said opposites to stick together. And Kazama often found himself at loss, not able to understand or deal with his thoughts.
He never told Shinnosuke about this inner turmoil of his, of course, and that's why the little problems spiralled out into the words he couldn't hold back today.
Because of that, Kazama was now so sure he had ruined everything. Mostly because of how Shinnosuke looked, the look on his face was a first, which made Kazama doubt that it was the last of their relationship too. A break? No, he couldn't let that happen, he couldn't just let things get worse from this point on. He had to do something, but what? He felt his chest tighten at the vision of Shinnosuke, making the same face, and saying, "This won't work out."
Oh, Kazama briefly gulped, that would hurt.
"Toru!"
Oh, Kazama looked up, at very familiar silhouette that came closer. It was undoubtedly Shinnosuke, wrapped in hastily worn coat and scarf, wearing home slippers. He didn't stop his pace and kept jogging towards the bench, only pausing to catch his breath when he was finally close enough to not let Kazama get away a second time.
"Shinnosuke.", Kazama slid to the side to make place for his panting lover, where Shinnosuke gladly sat.
"Hah, why wouldn't you... pick up your phone?", Shinnosuke managed to speak out with his mouth wide open for air. Kazama jerked to check his phone but decided otherwise. It was probably on DND.
"I'm sorry.", Kazama said smoothly, no overthinking behind said apology, "I shouldn't have said that."
"I mean," Shinnosuke wandered off with his words, "It did hurt."
Kazama's chest tightened again, eyes starting to water. He nodded, "Yeah."
"But, I probably deserved that.", Shinnosuke smiled at his own fidgeting hands, "You are always right about this stuff."
"No, no I'm not. Please don't start with that. I shouldn't have said that, at all.", Kazama could feel his voice break, but he didn't care. It wasn't like Shinnosuke hadn't comforted him before, "I just felt overwhelmed. I couldn't stop myself."
"I understand, because honestly," Shinnosuke paused and looked at Kazama, "I was an asshole."
Hearing this, Kazama blinked and couldn't bring himself to defend Shinnosuke on that one. Instead, he looked at Shinnosuke and nodded, "Yeah, you were."
He felt the other's hand move it's way to his own. Permission, asking if Kazama was ready to talk about it, ready to fix it. Kazama embraced the hand with his own.
Yes, he was ready.
The walk back home was lazy and full of conversations. Kazama finally let out how he had been feeling about both of them living together with their contrasting routines and habits. Shinnosuke explained, on his part, about why he'd felt it would be okay to procrastinate on his responsibilities, all the while not being able to notice that Kazama must've felt alone and burdened with all the work. Not for one moment though, did any of them let go of each other's hand. Shinnosuke accepted that he had neglected his responsibilities, and his lover, even if it was for a short while. And Kazama accepted, even promised, to not keep his problems to himself, and to communicate his needs.
When they arrived home, everything felt hazy, but in a good way. Shinnosuke immediately got to work on the cleaning, and Kazama helped him. They ate afterwards and even though Kazama had a tough time holding back on his humorous passive-aggression regarding the TV, both of them still finished the show.
"I'll cry if you wake me up early tomorrow.", Shinnosuke warned Kazama when they went to bed, receiving a scoff from the other.
"Alarms are set. All you have to do is brush your teeth first thing and you'll feel instantly awake.", Kazama explained as he turned off the lamp lights and entered the bed, receiving an unamused look from Shinnosuke.
"Try your best in the morning, but I'm not waking up.", He stated and threw his hands around Kazama to hold him, making him snuggle closer. The cold night had left them both wanting of warmth, which they could finally have.
"It feels good.", Kazama mumbled with his eyes closed, soaking in the cosy feeling of the embrace and felt Shinnosuke hum in reply against his neck.
"Please don't ever do that again.", Shinnosuke finally mumbled, taking Kazama back to the memory of the playground. Even though Kazama had clearly felt Shinnosuke's hand tremble in his embrace back then, he didn't say anything about it. He knew, that Shinnosuke wasn't cold, but scared, for him.
"I won't.", Kazama mumbled back against Shinnosuke's cold hands, "I love you."
Shinnosuke looked at him and kissed back Kazama's cold hands, "I love you too."
The words, even though exchanged rarely, always felt so comforting to say and hear. So comforting that both of them don't take too long drift off into a comfy slumber, holding on to each other. All of the problems disappearing in the warmth of the night.