Chapter Text
in times of desperation, nothing held lee felix like the warm sunlight hugs his frail frame. the light that shines through the tiniest crack of the cold hostile environment he was placed in was enough to provide him some joy. nothing feels better than feeling the warmth of the giant star on the back of his hands minutes after holding his hand in place. even when he was yanked away from the window, he did nothing but sigh softly and wait for tomorrow to come.
but where is he now? the bright white room was no longer in felix's line of sight. he can no longer see the harsh pendaflour light on his closed eyelids, only realizing now he was in a dim room. the sunlight he had by the window was gone. he was in a completely different place, unknown to himself when the change had happened. all felix remembered was dozing off for a nap as he usually did, expecting to wake up to the bland meal on the metal tray. felix had expected everything but this situation.
as he sat up straight, it dawned on him that his body ached everywhere. his limbs felt sore as if he had done intense workouts prior to his nap. leaning his back, the boy noticed the soft plush sensation that was foreign to him. felix had been used to sleeping on the empty brick hard mattress, he wasn't even given a pillow. noticing the thick pillows placed behind his back, his eyes wandered around this mysterious bed. it was filled with animal looking pillows, a long warm piece of cloth that had been covering his body, and most importantly a barrier that kept him from falling.
as the black haired boy reached for the soft looking bunny pillow, the door had creaked open gently, revealing a man inching slowly with a grin on his face. "good morning, baby! did you have a good sleep? i was right to put on the blue onesie for you," said the man, chuckling as he stepped closer to felix. blue onesie? felix looked down, realizing he wasn't in his daily white outfit. did the man change him? terrified, felix attempted to distance himself from the man, only echoing a thud as he bumped into the sturdy crib fence.
"ow," he whispered, pouting.
"oh, darling. that must've hurt. i won't hurt you, don't panic, bubs. you must be hungry, aren't you? your papa made something for you, he should be here very soon, okay?" the man smiled again, leaving felix confused. as he tilted his head to the side, he had taken some time to sneak a stare at the man's features. he was a good looking man. clean and neat haircut, his sharp eyes and thick lips were perfect. has he ever looked at somebody's face for this long before, he wondered. the people back there had always worn full protective suits and masks (not to mention, they don't speak to felix).
interrupting felix's thoughts, the door swung open again.
"morning, my sweet baby! papa made a bottle for you!" cheered the man, inching closer with a bottle in his hand. why are they talking to him like he's a baby? felix frowned at the thought, are they making fun of him? he had never been allowed to act like a child, felix was sure they're mocking him. he just wants to scream and yell, but he doesn't want to risk being injected like he always did at the facility.
felix doesn't understand a single thing that's going on. what has happened to his routine? he has always followed the exact same routine:— on the basic routine, as he gets waken up by the facility people, he gets handed a metal tray. that was his breakfast. upon finishing it, felix will walk to a room opposite of his room as another worker checks his vitals and monitor his brain activity. he is then required to talk to the sir (as he had been called) for about an hour as he is handed lunch, sent to his room for a nap. waking up at night for another monitoring, eating dinner and sleeping. repeat.
this is confusing. he lowered his head, grabbing the cloth he had held earlier. "look at him with his blankie, isn't he so adorable, minho?" the first man had said, fondly smiling at the latter as he received an equally excited agreement. felix barely hears them, much less to understand them. who are you, where am i, what happened, felix wanted to ask. opening his mouth to finally voice his thoughts, felix only then realizes he was never given permission to speak.
"you can speak, lix. it's okay. what do you want to say, honey?"
he is allowed to speak? won't he get punished?
"your daddy's right, bubs. we won't punish you for talking, don't worry. can you look at papa?" the man with the softer voice had said, waiting patiently for felix's response. felix really just wanted to scream that he isn't a baby, but surprisingly enough, felix had lifted his head from the blanket, glancing into the man's hopeful eyes. he can't do this. he will get hit for looking straight into his eyes. felix held back a gasp, taking a deep breath as his lips quivered, "sorry! don't hit me, please." whispered the boy as his body began to tremble.
all felix heard was a sigh before he felt an embracing warmth. he was in somebody's arm, he's in big trouble, isn't he? "—'m sorry, 'm sorry, didn't mean to! please don't hit me! 'm sorry—" felix was incoherent, his words slurring and his eyes blurry. "chan, he's scared," spoke minho as he gently rubbed circles on felix's back. much to their relief, felix wasn't necessarily being violent, he was simply inconsolable as he cried and trembled in chan's arms.
"hey, hey, baby. listen to daddy, i won't hit you, alright? you did nothing wrong. you were such a good boy for using your 'please's, but now can you take a big breath for me?" whispered chan gently, as he softly ran his fingers through the boy's hair. at this point, felix had rested his head on chan's shoulders, trying to listen to whatever the soft voice had said to him. deep breaths, felix thought. he did try his best, although his breath had hitched in the process and made him hiccup, he managed to calm himself a little.
"shh, you're okay, what a good boy." minho continued, smiling as felix's cries lessened. "there you go, bubs. you did such a good job listening to us. now, can you tell daddy what happened?" spoke chan again, now walking to the couch with minho and taking a seat with felix on his lap. "—no," felix managed to sob out, still refusing to look at their faces. he was terrified. if he were to dare look at the sir or even speak without permission, felix wouldn't see light out of the day. every little thing felix did was wrong according to the man.
"no? can you nod and shake your head for me, then?"
nod. felix was determined to not be punished.
"what a smart boy, lix. can you look at me?"
nod. now felix was facing him.
as felix gazed into chan's eyes, felix had the sudden thought that he couldn't seem to remember their names. he did recall them calling each other by their names but he wasn't listening properly to note it down in his head. the eye contact felt too much, so now felix hesitantly glanced at minho, also staring into his eyes for a few seconds before looking away again. it's too much. now felix is looking at his hands.
"you're so cute, do you know that? now, do you know where you are, bubs?"
this time, felix shook his head.
"do you remember the place you were at before you came here? the facility is now closed since they practice dangerous medical procedures on their test subjects:— you were one of them, felix. i am one of the psychologists involved in the case, my name's minho, you are brought here by me because i wanted to help you— no. me and my husband, chan wants to help you. do you understand?" minho explained, taking small glances at his husband anxiously.
"—don't understand. where's the sir?" the words were too confusing for felix to understand. he did understand that minho and chan wants to help him, but why? he really doesn't get the first part. "sir?— oh, bubs. he is gone, he won't hurt you anymore, alright? you will stay here with us from now on, we will take care of you." replied chan, giving felix a pat on the head as he boy carefully listened. he understands now.
"why?"
"what do you mean why, honey? we—"
"—sir said i am not good, no one will help me. you are lying to me." stuttered felix, and for now, chan and minho decides to look past his speaking pattern that almost sounds a little too robotic and timid. "i am sorry he said that to you, darling. but you're the best boy i've ever met, lix. don't trust him, he's no longer here, it's just us now." chan could only grit his teeth in anger, hugging felix close. he only wants the best for felix, seeing how broken the boy was from the previous treatment he had been given.
"chan?" felix had tried to call.
"mm, no, baby. that's daddy for you." corrected minho, poking the side of the boy's face. "why?" came that question again. it was clear to the caregivers that felix didn't particularly have a wide vocabulary and he wasn't given much opportunity to speak before this. "because you're our little baby. we're your caregivers from now on, and we can't wait to take care of our little prince." chuckled the chan, patting the youngest's bum only to receive the small padded sound as it is cushioned by the diaper.
"—but 'm not a baby," protested felix. he wasn't allowed to be a child at the facility, he was basically forced to be an adult even when he was a toddler. as he grew to be an adult, he was tormented even more for being 'childish' and was constantly reminded that he should be an 'adult'. the sheltered environment had clearly hindered felix's development: causing him to have an unstable mindset of his own self. at times felix were aggressive, at times felix tried his best to be kind and polite. it had gone to the point where felix doesn't know who he is anymore.
"you are! you are our baby!" replied minho with a smile.
these people must be delusional, felix had thought. even felix himself knows that he is an adult! he doesn't want to be treated like a baby, especially not when he's been punished for it. felix had begun pushing himself off chan's lap, not wanting to be close to them anymore. he hadn't realized how comfy he was getting while was crying, but now he realized these two people might not be any better than the people in the facility. felix should get himself together and stop depending on them. after all, felix was sure they were lying.
"careful, lix. you're gonna fall if you keep pushing." felix doesn't know who said that, all he knows is he wants to be left alone. it was sort of good that he wasn't getting hit for every little thing he does, but everything here still terrifies him the same as before. "—don't wanna be here. off." insisted felix, prying minho's grip on his back and chan's hands on his waist. as felix struggled in their hold, he had managed to push himself off, launching himself to fall butt first on the hard floor.
it did sort of hurt and now felix had begun realizing the wetness on his rear, and the padded diaper he had on. it dawned on him that these people put on diapers and changed his clothes while he wasn't awake, and it raged felix. changing clearly wasn't felix's favorite activity, even at the facility felix would always put up a fight and risked himself getting punished if it means getting to prove that he isn't a dumb obedient doll.
"don't touch me!" felix had begun crying again. the caregivers frowned. they don't blame felix at all: a sudden change from the hostile abusive life at the facility to a regular home was quite overwhelming. they have read through felix's file and noted that the boy was treated unfairly specifically for being too 'child-like' and had expected this to happen. years of being told that you're worthless and unlovable did put the boy in a place where he denied genuine care. it wasn't the fact that he didn't want it, it terrifies him. felix felt he wasn't much freer here than before, it was still the same. being told what to do, being treated a certain way. felix only wants to be free.
"i don' wanna be here!" cried felix as he pushed away all hands that came to hold his frail body. it took everything in the caregiver's body to stop themselves from cooing at felix's baby vocabulary, much to add that the boy already had a lisp to begin with made it even more adorable. "where else do you go then, darling? i hate to say this but you only have us now." it was harsh, but very much needed, chan sighed.
the boy went silent.
it's almost as if his reality finally hits him.
he was the one begging for the abuse to stop. he was the one begging for somebody to help him. but he wasn't expecting to be treated like this. they weren't abusing him, but they weren't 'normal' like felix thought they would be. felix doesn't even know what 'normal' had meant, but in his imagination, he wanted to be treated like adults. he feared the thought that he will once again be chained by strangers, forced to follow their way of living. will felix be abused again if he refused?
"p'ease don' hurt me anymore," sobbed felix.
it tugged hard on chan and minho's heart strings.
"don' wanna be a baby, but p'ease don' hurt me," whatever, felix thought. eitherway he will be punished anyways. he had always tried to be obedient and listen to the sir, but he was still punished. so when he tried to be naughty and fight back, he had known the punishment would be million times worse. felix assumed it was the same here as well. whatever he does, he will be tormented for it, he was simply hated for his existence: he hated being himself.
"lix, honey, listen. we won't hurt you, never. we're doing this for you, we want you to be happy." chan said, managing to cup felix's face into his hands, forcing the boy to look up from his position. "we know it will take you some time to get used to it, and you might not understand now, but we're doing this because we love you." this time minho continued, taking the opportunity to scoop felix into his arms as the boy struggled and squirmed around.
"off!" felix yelled again.
they did understand by now that 'off' had meant getting down or away, but they didn't seem to pay any mind to it. suddenly felix was placed on a bed, he assumed, but slightly different than the bed he was on earlier. "look at our baby using his diaper, what a good boy he is for daddy and papa," cooed minho and it clicked in felix's mind. felix had used the diaper? but when? "stop squirming, bubba, papa is just going to change your diaper quickly," teased chan, holding onto felix's lifted legs.
felix can feel his hope leaving his body. all of a sudden he misses the violent white room. he misses the beam of sunlight he gets. he misses his few minutes of silence there. not one hand has landed on felix as he woke up this morning, but now he has to go through the humiliation of a diaper change. he did remember being put in a diaper a few month ago as a punishment, ridiculed by the sir and the people there. felix hates this. is his life a punishment for him? should he have never been born? should he have died in those days he was beaten black and blue?
"lix! baby, you're so deep in your thoughts, you got us worried. what's in your little mind, huh? " mumbled minho, softly caressing felix's cheeks and chin. they're done? felix must've been busy holding back his thoughts and tears to not realize they're done with the diaper change. scratch the tear part, felix was already silently crying ever since he was carried by minho earlier. the steady tears failed to stop, he was still beyond sad at his reality.
felix doesn't know what this feeling is. he felt far, minho and chan's voice had echoed in his head. all he knows is he really hates his life right now. he tried lifting his hand but he felt as if his mind was playing tricks on him. was this even real? this might be a dream induced by the facility, for all he knows. no, it must be real, felix knows that much. must he live like this from now on? at the centre of his mind was the violent thought to give everything up.
there was no joy in this life for lee felix.