Chapter Text
JJK
“I’m so glad you’re back from Japan, Guk-ah,” slurs Jimin as he attempts to place the empty soju bottle upright among the others on the table. “Yoongi never wants to go out.”
Jimin is in workout clothes, having come straight from the dance studio. He has the hood of his sweatshirt up, embarrassed to be in public without any product in his hair, but he’s as handsome as ever beneath the fabric.
They are sitting on stools at a low table in a pojangmacha near the Han River. Condensation runs down the vinyl curtains, marking the distinction between the heat of the human bodies and charcoal grill inside, and the cool, late winter air outside. An ajumma in a brightly colored smock wipes down the tables nearby, stopping to chat with some of the regulars as she works.
Jeongguk reaches over and takes the bottle from Jimin, using the opportunity to arrange the rest of their empties in a tidy row before opening another and throwing back a shot.
“It’s good to be back,” he swallows. “It feels like I’ve been on tour forever. I hardly recognize my own apartment.”
“Doesn’t that feel weird? I mean, being on the road so much?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Jeongguk admits, “but it’s my job, you know?”
He sits back, crossing one ankle over the opposite knee, careful to avoid jostling the table with his foot. He’s dressed in jeans and his motorcycle jacket, his helmet occupying the stool next to him, but he knows he’s already had enough to drink that he’d better come back for his bike in the morning and take a cab home.
“Is it still fun?” Jimin asks, “I mean, when we were younger, it was all exciting, but it was also exhausting if I remember correctly. Even when Yoon travels for a couple of shows, he’s completely wiped out.”
“Fun?” Jeongguk ponders for a moment. “It has its moments, I guess. I don’t know what else I’d be doing if I wasn’t making music.”
“I mean, you can still make music without it being such a grind… look at Yoon, or Hobi- he even brought his kids on tour last year. Don’t you want anything else? Maybe a nice wife and some babies?”
Jeongguk laughs. “Jimin, I probably need to actually date first before that can happen.”
“So? Maybe you should do that. Also, what about your art? When was the last time you had the energy to paint?”
Jeongguk sighs. It’s been a long time since he thought about spending time on anything other than work.
“Enough about me,” he says, “what about you? What’s it been like having Yoongi working full time at HYBE?”
Jimin is focused on selecting the perfect bite of dried pollack from the plate in front of him. It’s been a few years since he became one of the lead choreographers at the company, and Jeongguk has really enjoyed getting to work with him ahead of his performances. Now that Yoongi has taken over producing duties from P-Dogg, he’s looking forward to working with him as well.
“Honestly, it hasn’t changed much,” Jimin says dryly, not looking up from his task, “he’s always working, doesn’t matter where.”
Jeongguk gives him a skeptical look, and Jimin cracks a smile.
“But we get to carpool to work sometimes, which is kind of fun,” he giggles, winking at his friend. He pops a piece of fish in his mouth.
“So are you two like, out now?”
Jimin chews thoughtfully.
“Not exactly. We don’t keep it a secret, but we haven’t made any kind of formal announcement. I don’t think Yoongi cares, but I like having a private life.”
Jeongguk nods and takes another sip of soju. He’s enjoying the warmth that spreads through his body as the liquid slides down his throat.
“What else have you been up to?” he asks.
“Oh- I went to L.A. for that schedule I was telling you about, remember? The dance show with Jennifer Lopez.”
“Right!” Jeongguk smiles. “That must have been great- what was she like?”
“She was so cool, and her body is incredible,” Jimin says reverently. “I can’t believe she’s in her sixties. I hope I look as good in heels as she does when I’m that age.”
Jeongguk laughs as the image of Jimin walking down a runway in J Lo’s iconic Versace dress pops into his head.
“...and everyone else was really nice, too. I went out for drinks with Usher and some other people.”
“Oh, he’s really cool- I met him a couple of years ago at the Grammys,” Jeongguk replies. He takes another drink, taking a moment before he asks his next question.
“So… did you see Tae while you were out there?”
He isn’t proud of the way his heart slows down in anticipation of the answer.
“He’s so busy these days,” Jimin rolls his eyes. “But he did invite me to a party in Hollywood, which was fun- it was for Vincint’s new record. Did you know Tom Holland was bisexual?”
Jeongguk clears his throat in surprise. “Um, no.”
“Well he is! I’m not sure if I should tell you this, but Tae went out with him for a while, I guess. And then he was fucking that hot French guy from that movie… what was it called? He’s really cleaning up, if you know what I mean.”
Jimin stops abruptly, clapping a hand over his mouth.
“Oh, shit,” he says. “I shouldn't have said that!”
Jeongguk laughs tentatively. “Why not?”
Jimin bites his lip and furrows his brow. He looks Jeongguk in the eye.
“Because you have history.”
“Jimin, that was almost ten years ago.”
“I know, but… I guess I always thought you two would end up back together sometime. I mean, not even a year ago he told me he still had feelings for you.”
Jeongguk’s heart slides into his stomach and lands with a thud. Jimin looks up from his glass with a start.
“Ah! He’s going to be so pissed that I told you. You can’t ever tell him I said so, okay? He will totally kill me!”
“When would I even tell him,” Jeongguk asks, trying to appear nonchalant. “And why does it matter, anyways, if he’s moved on?”
He hopes the words don’t sound as bitter as they taste. A clattering of glass breaks his train of thought, and he looks up to see that Jimin has slid off his chair.
“Oh, boy. I better get you home,” he says, catching his friend with one arm while he motions for the bill. “Yoongi’s gonna be mad at me for letting you get this wasted.”
_____________________
After Jeongguk puts Jimin in a taxi he decides to walk home. The streets are quiet, still damp from the afternoon rain. He doesn’t get the opportunity to wander aimlessly very often, and he’s grateful to be back in Seoul just as the weather is starting to get warmer. He knows there will be a lot to do in preparation for the twentieth anniversary concert, but it’s honestly nothing compared to the time he is used to putting in. He’s a little bit apprehensive about having the next few months off from his usual routine, but Jimin is right: he probably should have more going on in his life beyond work.
It doesn’t surprise him to hear that Tae is dating. Of course he should be, and Jeongguk is glad to know that he is living the life he’s always wanted: rubbing elbows with the Hollywood elite, openly dating gorgeous men. But he can’t deny that a piece of him feels like it shrunk in the wash and is now squeezing too tightly around his heart.
Eight years ago, Jeongguk had left the military with dozens of songs in his head, and after Bangtan’s farewell tour he had locked himself in the studio, trying to get all his ideas on tape. When his second album outdid Beyonce on the charts, he had felt pressure to work even harder on the next one.
During that first post-Bangtan year, Jimin and Yoongi would gather the guys together every so often, but after a while, Hobi got married and Jin started producing offspring, and it became harder and harder to schedule time. Namjoon was always traveling somewhere with whatever young ingénue had charmed him of late, Jimin was working with all the next generation HYBE bands, and Yoongi had a constant stream of artists asking him to produce their songs.
On the rare occasion when Jeongguk and Tae had found themselves alone together, things felt forced. Tae had come out as soon as the reunion tour was over, and had been cast in a big Hollywood musical film, which took him to Los Angeles more often than he was in Seoul. There were rumors that linked him to various celebrities, but he never talked to Jeongguk about the men he was sleeping with, and Jeongguk never asked.
When Jeongguk started booking venues all over the world, the little life he had at home had pretty much disappeared. Whenever he did get back to Korea, he would collapse at his parents’ house, letting his mom pamper him, tuning out the world as much as he could, rarely stopping at his own place at all. Meanwhile, Tae had made the move to California, following Park Seo Joon, who had become a major player in Hollywood after he won his first Oscar.
Once, Jeongguk saw pictures of Tae’s Malibu home in a magazine. He’d had to fly commercial from Amsterdam to Glasgow when there had been a maintenance issue with the company jet, and his jaw had nearly reached the ground when he had flipped open the in-flight edition and seen Tae’s eyes gazing up at him. He had quickly turned the page, but there it was in print: “Former K-Pop Idol Kim Taehyung Shows Off his Colorful Beach Pad.”
Jeongguk had stared at the images for so long that they had become burned into his brain. There was a white Baby Grand piano framed by vintage 1930’s palm frond wallpaper, a set of original Keith Haring paintings hung above the Hollywood Regency dining set, and an infinity pool overlooking the Pacific Ocean.
There was a photograph of Tae, playing with Yeontan in front of a wall of presumably exquisite wine. Even now, Jeongguk needs only to close his eyes and he can summon the inch of Tae’s collarbone exposed from beneath the emerald green, archival Saint Laurent smoking jacket.
When he poses for American magazines, he always wonders if Taehyung will see the photos, but he’s never heard a word of response.
The truth is, it really has been a very long time since he and Tae breathed the same air. Ten years ago, in the months after Jin and the other hyungs began to enlist, the two of them had been drawn back together- maybe out of grief or some desire to cling to the past. First they’d spent time with the remaining members or other friends, going bowling one day with Choi Wooshik, or skiing with Hobi. But it wasn’t long before they’d found themselves alone and unable to resist the comfort of each other's arms, and they’d dated quietly for more than a year.
As he takes the elevator up to his floor, Jeongguk finds himself smiling. He remembers all the times when Tae had goaded him into submission, poking at him like an impish little brother until Guk had been forced to abandon whatever he was doing to chase Tae into the bedroom.
“Jeongguk-ahhhh,” Tae would whine, always with that pout on his face, and always followed by the most mischievous smile when he managed to provoke the reaction he wanted from Jeongguk. He blushes, picturing Tae squirming beneath him as Guk held him down, begging for more.
His phone buzzes in his pocket.
“You owe me one,” says the text from Yoongi, “I had to carry him up the stairs.”
Ten minutes later: “Jimin won’t stop talking about how Taehuyung is going to kill him. What happened?
“Seriously. He is distraught.”
Jeongguk sighs, shaking his head. He steps out of the elevator, kicks off his boots and lets his jacket fall to the floor. In the kitchen, he grabs a cold beer, and sits down at the table to reply to Yoongi.
“It’s not a big deal. He told me some stuff about Tae that was supposed to be a secret. But I’m not going to say anything, so it’s fine.”
Jeongguk watches the three dots as they appear and then disappear from his screen.
“What did he tell you?”
“Lol. I just told you I won’t say anything.”
He can feel Yoongi’s “hmph” from miles away. He might be quiet, but there is nobody who enjoys gossip more than that man. Jeongguk sets down the empty can and makes his way to bed.
It had always been hard to explain his relationship with Taehyung. They were family, but they shared a profound connection that Jeongguk didn’t feel with his other Bangtan brothers, like Jin or Hobi. They were friends, but even from the beginning, there was a kind of tension between them that he didn’t feel with his other closest friends, like Jimin. Once they’d become lovers, they had almost found their groove, but somehow there was always something in the way.
But Jeongguk had never stopped thinking about Tae. He thought about him the most when he was in lonely hotel rooms and on long drives. He’d be lying if he said that he never imagined Tae’s face when he was in bed with someone else. There had been women, of course- you don’t play sold out stadiums full of them without taking some home from time to time- but sleeping with men had been off the table for the most part.
There was a blowjob last year from a bellboy in Germany, and he’d spent a memorable couple of weeks secretly fucking a backup dancer on the South American leg of his 2031 tour, but there had been nothing remotely meaningful. Truth be told, he slept alone more nights than he would ever admit.
Touring wasn’t the sex, drugs, and party scene people imagined; Jeongguk worked day in and day out, never satisfied with the choreography or the way he’d hit a certain note in the last performance. On days off, if he wasn’t running vocal drills or practicing dance steps, he was working on lyrics, taking interviews, entertaining executives and VIPs, shaking hands and kissing babies.
It honestly wasn’t all that different from his BTS days- except for the fact that nobody else around him was sharing his experience. He missed the boys and his family, and- when he would allow himself- he missed Taehyung. He couldn’t imagine ever feeling as much himself with anyone else.
Now, what Jimin told him is going to keep him up all night. Tae still had feelings for me? A year ago? What the hell am I supposed to do with that information?