Chapter Text
It was only for a minute before Beatrice realized what had happened, she didn’t have any inner monologue for what had just occurred despite being kissed intently by the halo bearer.
“In the next” whispered Ava before she vanished!
The sister warrior compellingly nodded even though she was still trying to gather her thoughts and wrap her mind around the event that had just presented itself [not forgetting sister Yasmine’s presence!!!].
It pained the nun so much since she didn’t really have a say in that exact moment as she was just as speechless. Her eyes forming up tears [because what else was there to do?], fingers fidgeting on her sides, Beatrice inhaled and exhaled shaky breaths and when a tear fell from the corner of her left eye, she knew. She knew how fucked she was without Ava and she really needed to look for the halo bearer, she was terrified of the idea of losing Ava and for the first time in her whole goddamn existence, she was lost for words.
What happened next was all a blur, Beatrice fought her way to reach Ava whilst hoping and praying the halo bearer doesn’t repeat what she and Michael almost completed during their mission of trying to expose Adriel the false Angel in front of the world. Unfortunately, she was met with her utmost fear. Ava had already detonated Michael’s body [made of divinium bomb] in attempt to kill Adriel for good [or so they thought].
Of course, she knew halo bearers don’t last [thanks to Camila’s whole speech], Beatrice knew what she had gotten her- emotional-self in before she could even react to those unspoken feelings. She knew the risks of caring for the halo bearer [she witnessed it with the way Mary cared for Shannon] even though it was never her intention to feel certain things for her best friend [but fuck that, she was falling for her]. So, she made herself a promise that she will always protect Ava no matter what even though she and everyone in the OCS even Lilith knows the truth and the truth hurts like a Bitch [they don’t last].
When she found Ava laying on the cold floor with divinium implanted all over her body, Beatrice rushed to her side and tried to comfort the small girl. The nun wished she could take her pain away but they both knew it wasn’t possible to do such thing. Beatrice held her close to her chest, she could feel Ava’s heart beating slowly, the nun felt useless yet again and all she could do for Ava was to comfort and hold her close, repeatedly telling Ava that she was going to be alright even though her mind said otherwise.
Before Ava went through the Portal, the halo bearer dropped yet another surprising moment which caught Beatrice off guard AGAIN.
“I love you” cried Ava before she left Beatrice standing there yet again for the second time feeling numb, useless, thoughtless and broken.
*
Present Day.
It has been four thorough months since Adriel, four months since Ava went through the portal, four months since Beatrice cried breathlessly whilst sitting under the portal waiting for Ava to pop back up or come back to her. It has been four months since Beatrice heard Ava mutter those three words before she vanished, four months since the sister warrior said ‘I love you’ back but it was too late [she hates herself for it].
Within those four months, Beatrice had already given up her vows, she left the OCS and she made sure to always keep in contact with the other sisters [Camila and Yasmine made her pinky promise]. The former nun thought about how much her life has changed in just a few months, their time at the Alps have changed her view of things in life, Ava helped her see that. Ava helped her learn how to fight her inner demons she has been trying to get rid of or tried to repress all because certain people including her dear parents told her that what she is and loves is a flaw but that was just some rubbish bullshit they were feeding her and it pushed her over the edge of giving all that up until the halo bearer made her way into Beatrice’s life.
The former nun would always think about her life back then when she was nothing but a stoic and composed nun with the intention of completing every mission thrown her way [besides, she was the best] compared to her life now where she is the total opposite, not that she hates the changes but she still thinks it’s funny and surprising how a simple person can turn her life around and flip her world upside down.
*
She managed to travel the world in the first two months; she had been to many countries. France, Iceland, Australia, Egypt, China, Thailand, Samoa, Cambodia, Chile etc.… She had tried to honor the halo bearer’s wish for her to live her life. She had thought of places her and Ava talked about visiting together and places Ava would’ve loved, she had tried to cherish every new experience, new journey, new memories and every progress she made in finding some peace and something to ground herself for the meantime in the many places she had visited.
She had promised herself that she’ll tell Ava all about all about it when she comes back [she believes Ava will come back to her soon].
Now that she has settled somewhere in Greece, the country she was in awe of when she was a kid because Greece is best known for its ancient philosophers, its ancient history and ruins and gorgeous island landscapes. She thinks if Ava was here, she’d call her a ‘nerd’ to be precise.
She did consider going back to Swiss Alps where she and Ava shared a life together in their small apartment, together with a tiny kitchen, an old looking couch yet it was still in good condition, a bed where they both found comfort in, always ending up in each other’s arms at night without realizing it until the next morning, their work at the bar etc.… Beatrice having to relive those memories and moments alone was too painful and too much for her to deal with, so she decided to stay as far away from Switzerland until Ava comes back? she still believes her best friend will come back to her but the problem is; ‘when will she be back’ and ‘how is she going to come back now that the Portal is out of sight’.
[Mother Superion discussed this topic with the new pope where they both decided it was best for the portal to be tugged away somewhere where no evil force can find or lay a hand on ever again, Jillian even agreed to the idea. Beatrice on the other hand protested, she didn’t like the idea obviously and she fought her way to try and stop the other sisters from taking the portal away but it was useless and there were too many of them, but she didn’t give up, not until Camila hugged her ever so tightly and tried to reason with her and when that didn’t work, Camila tried to calm her down by tranquilizing her because Beatrice was being stubborn. I swear Camila and her toys…] But luckily for Beatrice, all her years of combat training has taught her enough patience and discipline.
“Patience is a virtue” she mutters every now and then.
Within those four months, Beatrice tries to live her life as promised while grieving, the pain is very much fresh, she is aware of the situation she’s in, she knows in her heart she isn’t okay, she feels it in her bones that she is vulnerable, she’s a fucking mess and the guilt of not saving her best friend is eating her alive every day and if that’s not bad enough, she gets really bad nightmares every night; re-experiencing the memory of Ava passing through the portal leaving her standing there feeling disoriented and heartbroken [that’s not the worst she’s had]. Every now and then her nightmares don’t get any better, it adds up every night.
She often wakes up in the middle of night screaming “Ava...no..please” or she would sometimes wake up choking in her own saliva and tears trying to calm herself down whilst hugging herself more tightly until she can’t take it anymore and lets herself go, panting, sweating and in tears.
“Come back to me…. Please” she whispers to herself on repeat with her left palm pressed against her chest and with her eyes closed trying to breathe properly before finally dozing off at roughly 4am in the morning [it has become a routine for Beatrice.]
Sometimes she would stay up all night afraid to fall asleep because nothing good comes out of it, distracting herself with reading a book or re-reading the letter Ava left her before the final battle/mission. W9hen she runs out of books and letters to read, she meditates, hoping she’ll sleep better afterwards but that was just another losing battle and she knows it...
She did manage to find a job at the gym just 10 minutes away from her apartment as a judo sensei [instructor] after showing her impressive skills on both her resume and on the dojo [mat] on her first day.
She wanted to work at the bar next to the gym but she quickly let that want go, because she isn’t really good at bartending and she isn’t a people person unlike Ava.
The former nun has been working there for two weeks and she made friends within those two weeks [thanks to Ava for teaching her how to be more open with people] in that small bubble she has made for herself at a job she’s unsurprisingly really good at [the salary is superb].
She clubs now [‘woohoo’]. She still orders lemon drops even though they don’t taste as good as the ones Han’s made them that one time when her and Ava stayed up the whole night dancing and relaxing to the beat of the music. She doesn’t drink to get drunk but when she does, it’s game over for her.
[It only happened once though. Beatrice was invited to a friend’s birthday party. at first, she didn’t feel like going but when she heard Ava’s voice in her head telling her to live her life, the former nun gave in and decided to attend. She had a decent amount of fun that night, she didn’t plan on getting wasted but when one of her friends said something that reminded her of Ava, her chest tightened a little and her lungs gave up on her, she was breathing heavily with her left hand rubbing roughly on her chest trying to calm herself down. When she was a little calm thanks to Cara [her first friend, another sensei] for helping her take deep breaths while rubbing her back softly, the only solution she thought of was drinking shots after shots until she feels nothing. That’s exactly what she did!!!! She blacked out after 6 shots of tequila [oh yeah, she can drink alright!] ... She woke up on her couch with a bottle of water on the coffee table in front of her, Cara took her back to her flat after the party which she was grateful for, Beatrice checked the time it was 11:30am. She was thankful she didn’t have work on that day because minutes later, she was accompanied by a throbbing pain at the back of her head, a freaking hangover. She didn’t like the feeling but she was glad it knocked her out from her miserable sober self, “how cute” she sarcastically blurted out while taking two big gulps from the bottle of water but for the first time in months, she was able to sleep without waking up screaming Ava’s name in the middle of the night…]
“Ava would be proud” Camila would always say every time they video call after Beatrice updates her. Camila checks up on her every now and then, sometimes Beatrice would reciprocate when she has free time because apparently, Beatrice likes to keep herself busy with her work and social life she managed to build, she tries her best to live even for a short while before her thoughts and emotions decides to drift off elsewhere, [yes you thought right, all her mind thinks of is Ava].
Often times she wonders what it would be like to be with Ava now that Adriel’s dead and gone for good this time, she often wonders what it would look like to actually have Ava around now that she has given up her vows and everything, she used to believe in. [I mean, she still believes in God, it wasn’t his fault she made that choice [she was forced]to suppress all those feelings and unsaid emotions, she doesn’t blame God for anything really, she blames herself for believing it was a sin because people told her to believe in that idea and for being a masochist listening to people she thought were family calling her out for being different. Obviously, she was too young to make that decision for herself despite being the best at literally everything and yet for some reason, her parents still decided it was best to ship her off to boarding school to teach her a lesson because she wasn’t falling in line, which later on became a permanent home for her. Beatrice still believes that her faith is her business despite the rollercoaster of emotions she was dealing with at the time but now, that has changed in a blink of an eye all thanks to the goofy halo bearer and her impact she imprinted on the former nun.
Most days after work, she stops at one of the nearby library stores to pick up some books one of her friends from work recommended when Suddenly, her eye catches a familiar author at one of the book sections at the far corner, she walks towards it and sees the title
‘“ Hope” is the thing with feathers’ by Emily Dickinson.
[Ava once recommended one of Emily Dickinson’s books called ‘the complete poems’ which she enjoyed very much. Some nights, Beatrice would read maybe two or three poems to the halo bearer in order to soothe the small girl whenever she wakes up from a nightmare with so much fear in her eyes accompanied by her tears , finding comfort in the crook of Beatrice’s neck which the former nun didn’t mind at all, she would read to her while pulling the small girl close to her and it works all the time because by the time Beatrice is on the third or fourth poem, Ava’s already sleeping again and the nun would press a light kiss on top of her head before putting the book away and dozing off next to Ava in her arms]. Consequently, she ended up taking that book home with three others.
On her walk back every day, she would stop at a seashore near her place and watch the sunset, she would close her eyes and feel the breeze kissing her face and her freckles Ava loves counting every time she gets the opportunity to. [Every night, when they are both tugged in their bed under the sheets back in the Alps, Beatrice always ends up laying on her side so that she could get a little glimpse of Ava’s sleeping features. However, one night in their dark apartment that was only accompanied by a street light, she caught Ava counting the number of freckles she has, not knowing that Beatrice was still awake, so Beatrice just laid on her side, still and not moving a muscle until she hears Ava sigh with frustration and starts counting again because she probably got distracted with something else while numbering the number of freckles the nun has spread all over her cheeks, “it’s adorable” the former nun thinks’]. With her eyes still closed, she would imagine the halo bearer sitting next to her holding her hand while she runs her thumb on her kunckles, she would imagine Ava telling her that the world is in the palm of their hands now that the mission has completed, she would imagine Ava reassuring her that everything is going to be alright from now on and they can do whatever they want now that everything is falling into place, she would imagine Ava creating stupid but cute puns on their walk home that would for sure make her evening but of course, her imagination is always escorted by the sad reality; ‘Ava is gone, she isn’t coming back anytime soon, she’s dead and it’s all because you couldn’t keep your promise, you failed miserably because you allowed her to die for the cause, because you let your emotions cloud your judgement and so on….’, she would quickly open her eyes which are already chaperoned by tears, stands up from where she was sitting and makes a beeline straight back to her place.
Today is like any other day, after work at 5:30pm she stops at the seashore on her way to her place, she sits down and closes her eyes and allows her mind to wander and imagine. It’s a peaceful moment for her for at least a while. After dreaming for a moment, she opens her eyes slowly this time, the sun has already set not completely but enough for Beatrice to find the strength to walk back to her apartment and so, she stands up and makes her way to her flat. Once she enters her apartment, she immediately tries to distract herself with cooking, making dinner, she draws herself a long bath because she thinks—No! she knows she deserves it after a long day at work, she cleans up even though there is nothing there to clean.
Camila would call from time to time to check up on her and update her on things. Tonight, Camila calls.
“Hi hi Beatrice, how are things there?” Camila asks happily
“Fine and Good evening to you too Cam” Beatrice responds
“How was work?”
“Fine” Beatrice says.
Camila sighs at the deadpan answer. “How are you” she dares to ask because she is worried for her sister.
“And don’t you dare say fine again because I will not hesitate to call mother superion over to come talk some sense into you”.
[Beatrice doesn’t mind talking to mother superion but she has had a long day and her brain isn’t functioning at the moment so she doesn’t dare to push Camila’s buttons because believe it or not, she is as stubborn as Ava.]
A beat goes by and Beatrice finally answers.
“I… don’t” ---she inhales shakily---- “I’m…...trying my best Camila” she exhales quickly through her nose.
[Camila knows what the former nun is going through. Therefore, she doesn’t ask her to explain herself because she knows Beatrice isn’t the type to talk about her emotions even though she sometimes wishes Beatrice would just talk to her but then again, she doesn’t drag their conversation there and she understands that Beatrice will eventually break at some point, so she doesn’t ask any further. Beatrice knows what’s going on in Camila’s head and she’s grateful Camila doesn’t cross that line yet because if Camila does, Beatrice will surely end up in a pool of her own tears and she doesn’t like it when people see that vulnerable side of her, she has never shown that vulnerable side of her to anyone except Ava. So, for that, she is grateful Camila doesn’t push anymore.]
Camila quickly changes the topic of their conversation, they update each other thoroughly, Camila sharing her some private information which Beatrice thinks she doesn’t need to know but the sister still insists she fills Beatrice in so she gives up on that and listen to Camila’s ranting about the new recruits etc...
Beatrice talks to Camila about her work, having to be the only place she finds comfort and peace, she tells her about the sites she’s planning on visiting with her friend tomorrow. She tells her about ‘Cara’ since that’s the friend who is also going to be the tour guide. Camila tries to keep calm but she can’t help but smile cheekily at Beatrice but the former nun quickly shuts her down,
“don’t be obscene” says Beatrice.
“What? I didn’t say anything” Cam quickly mouths,
“But you were thinking it” Beatrice shoots back
Camila laughs at this, “Anyways, what’s she like? What does she look like” Camila asks curiously
“She looks human, like the rest of us Camila” Beatrice teases
“Hmm, well she must be a really cute human since you don’t want to tell me” Camila giggles
Beatrice shrugs “she’s from England but she moved to Greece after her parents’ divorce, her mother was granted full custody, so she came here since her mother was raised here in Greece…that’s all you need to know” she says quirking up a playful smile.
“Come on don’t be such an uptight Bi--”
“LANGUAGE” Beatrice warns
“I was going to say ‘Bish’ Beatrice but whatever”
They talk some more until Camila yawns and says her goodbyes to Beatrice before she hangs up. Her apartment is silent once again and the fear of her sleeping alone starts to creep its way in once more, she tries to read but her eyes are tired but her brain is still very much awake.
“Dammit to hell” she mumbles while she flops on the bed laying on her back, she checks the time on her phone and it reads 11pm.
She stays still for a while until her mind starts to wander again, she closes her eyes and allows her mind to take over.
At exactly 3:00am she wakes up in tears again sobbing hard. [Another nightmare of Ava laying helplessly on the cold floor while Beatrice couldn’t move her feet and her hands were tied behind her back for some reason, she wanted to scream but she just froze and all she could do was watch Ava lay there lifelessly, surrounded by her own blood.]
This time, she jumps out of bed so hard she hit her temple at the corner of the desk that’s next to her crib. She’s panting heavily, her breathing comes out unevenly and she’s trying to calm her mind down but the pain is too much for one person to carry and her beating heart isn’t helping. She needs something to hold on to, she needs leverage, she needs someone, she needs Ava.
She backs away from her bed until her back hits the wall that’s opposite from her bed, her knees tugged against her heaving chest with eyes closed wheezing intensely.
Her mind and heart thinks: I’m tired of waking up like this, I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of feeling so weak and vulnerable. I’m exhausted, I need Ava.
she feels like her heart is about to burst out from her chest anytime now, so she lays face down on the cold tiles trying to steady her breathing but she ends up hugging herself while she mumbles in tears,
“Please, I’m tired… Ava I..” ---she cries out---- “I need you.” a few times while sobbing loudly [she’s thankful her neighbors are on vacation].
After a long while, she is all calm now [not really], but she is too frail to move, so she just stays there in that position with her eyes closed thinking of Ava’s beautiful smile, the way she reaches up to place a cheeky kiss on her cheek, Ava making a puppy face whenever she wants something from her, Ava’s big dark brown eyes staring at her, her gorgeous short hair, her sleeping features and more. [Ava will be the death of her and Beatrice knows it.]
“Damn!” she thinks while hugging herself with eyes closed. She really is trying her best to live for herself because that’s what Ava wants her to do before she dramatically vanished.
At some point, the former nun whispers to herself. “Why did you?” Beatrice snuffles annoyingly.
“How could you Avaaa?” Beatrice reasons, tears running freely down her cheeks.
Most nights she jogs and sits at a random bench watching the stars and people passing by, contemplating whether to go home [she doesn’t call her apartment home] or just sleep on the bench damped with her own sweat, she’s scared to death to go back to her apartment because she knows what’s waiting for her: ‘emptiness’, ‘nightmares’, ‘pain’ but mostly ‘anger’.