Chapter Text
Okay so I was watching this movie
And I really liked it
So now I’m gonna write some stuff about it
Probably fanfiction maybe
But in case you guys didn’t see it I’m gonna add some background
So you understand
Once upon a time there was this place called asgard, right?
And like, I know that sounds kind of like ‘ass-guard’, but that is for a different story so fucking stop thinking about it and pay attention.
You can’t, can you?
Well, okay, just don’t get too distracted by it, I guess.
I mean, it is kind of related a bit, maybe, but it’s not completely important right now.
Where the fuck was I?
Oh yeah, so, in this place, there was a king named Odin and he had a wife named Frigga (she was a motherfucking bad-ass, let me tell you) and he kind of knocked her up.
But then, like, probably sometime after she had the baby, which they named Thor, there was a war on this one place called Midgard. Which is apparently some bullshit name for Earth. No, well. Midgard sounds cool. I redact my previous statement.
Anyway, these big people called Frost Giants who are kind of monsterlike were all, “We need some more frozen-ass wastelands let’s attack Midgard for no reason and turn it into Ice Hell.” Except it was kind of more like they were pissed off that they lived in this shitty ass frosty cone snow-globe and wanted to ruin everyone else’s lives.
Well, Odin decided to help Midgard because the people worshipped him as a god. It’s really great he decided to help, but I wonder if it was just because he wanted more subjects? Oh well, gift horses and mouths.
So Odin brought an army of Asgardians to Midgard and then they ended up eventually on Jotenheim, the place where the Frost Giants live and they killed a bunch of Frost Giants and the king of them, Laufey, was bested and whatever and they had their super powerful ace-up-their-sleeves magic icecube dealio taken away. It was put in Asgard’s treasure room later, on top of this really obvious, stand-out pedestal.
Everyone’s heading back to Asgard and Odin’s wandering around and hears a baby crying. Apparently Laufey threw away a runt-baby and left it to die in a temple, so Odin took it back home with him so he could use it as a political tool later on. What a dick.
He even named it: Loki.
Loki and Thor ended up being brothers and of course Odin and Frigga conveniently left out the part where Loki was adopted and also an unwanted Frost Giant runt-baby, but wait, not just any unwanted Frost Giant runt-baby; LAUFEY KING OF THE MONSTERS THAT ATTACKED MIDGARD AND ARE OFTEN THE BUTT OF MANY ASGARDIAN JOKES BECAUSE AGARD KICKED THEIR DOUCHEBAG MONSTER ASSES’ unwanted Frost Giant runt-baby, for like. A thousand years or some shit. They also decided it would be cool to favor Thor over him and also no one really liked Loki for any actual, justifiable reason that was ever revealed or pointed out. I mean, other than that he was a little odd and liked to play the occasional tricks.
But yeah, so everyone only hung out with him because Thor was like some cool-ass, popular, attractive, outgoing, charismatic-but-oblivious-and-obtuse-yet-still-somehow-kind-hearted, strong-as-an-ox jock at a small highschool where everyone wanted to please him or to get in his pants with a nerdy-quiet-kind-of-odd younger brother who everyone just kind of paid attention to because he was Thor’s best friend and no one could understand why, but put up with it anyway because Thor was an angel.
Thor’s friends had to put up with Loki the most because obviously Thor dragged him along on every mission because his brother was fucking awesome no one could tell him different what did you say something bad about my brother you shut the fuck up or I will pound your face off with my fists you got it right off of your head it will be my fists new face except that if it was I would cut off my own hand because wow you are a complete asshole and no one would ever want your fucking face yeah you gtfo bitch don’t you open your slut mouth to talk about my awesome brother again unless it’s to sing praises of his many heroic and trickster-y exploits motherfucker
Robinhood, Gimli, Samurai Jack, and Xena were Thor’s besties and they had this cute little group name, but whatever.
They pretty much were forced to hang out with Loki and Xena never really seemed to like him at all, even from the first time she was on screen. She’s kind of a bitch. She’s probably just jealous of how much attention Thor gives to Loki.
Robinhood and Gimli didn’t really seem to have a problem with him, but well, let’s face it. They’re kind of stand-up guys in this movie, anyway. I’m not too sure about anywhere else, but they were at least behaving for this.
Samurai Jack wasn’t a complete dick until later, so he kind of tricks you into thinking he’s a nice guy and likes Loki, too.
Anyway, later on, some stuff happens, Thor and company are all grown up and it’s the adult years and, like a coronation and whatever takes place so Thor can finally be on the throne and be king or whatever because Odin loved Thor more and because Loki never wanted to be the king, he just wanted to make sure his brother could be all he can be the army
Well the coronation is interrupted by Frost Giants who all die and Thor is really pissed off and shit and wants to go march right into Jotenhiem like a dumbfuck and start a war with the snowmen. Daddy gets really mad at Thor because he’s SO FUCKING STUPID and tells Thor off a bit, then some angry stuff happens and Thor flips his shit and a table, then Loki is trying to calm him down. Then Xena and Thor’s fanboy club arrives. She’s too busy being a condescending bitch and casting disdainful glanced toward Loki to notice that there’s a bunch of food on the floor like Gimli and Robinhood do.
Some other crap happens and then they end up in Jotenheim even though they’re not supposed to be there and Loki’s like, “We should go back to the castle because this is kind of dumb” and Samurai Jack points out the obvious, that they shouldn’t even be there. It’s kind of like, his only purpose, honestly. Well, then they talk to Laufey and Thor fucks that all up to hell and there’s a huge brawl involving Thor, Loki, Xena, and the fanboy club where he kills a bunch of frosty bros and causes a shitton of damage
Also by the way this was mostly unprovoked and Loki kept trying to get everyone to leave but Thor is a fucking dick. Gimli’s arm gets a nasty case of frostbite-holy-shit-treat-me-right-now-or-this-arm-is-gonna-fall-off, Loki’s arm gets grabbed, too but it just reveals some really disturbing Frost Giant blue news to him, and Robinhood gets stabbed through the shoulder with a huge ice spike and everyone has to leave but Thor is busy showing off eventually while they’re on the run, Odin shows up and has to fix things but he can’t Thor started a war what an ass okay that got really out of hand here let me get to the point.
Thor gets banished from Asgard and sent to Midgard for being a selfish dickhole and even then, Loki tries to stand up for his idiot brother except Daddy is very angry and basically screams at him to stfu. When Loki tells now Xena and Friends about Thor’s banishment, everyone is all for trying to get him back even though he just fucked massive amounts of shit up so Loki points out that’s not a good idea and reveals-
THE WHOLE EXPEDITION TO JOTENHEIM WAS A TEST FROM LOKI TO THOR TO SEE IF HIS BROTHER WOULDN’T EVER BE THAT STUPID. Except he is. And he was.
Everyone’s kinda mad and Loki leaves and Xena’s all pissed off about the secret test and accuses him behind his back and everyone except Robinhood goes along with it.
See, this is the thing.
Robinhood is the nice guy here and obviously the only intelligent dude out of this whole mix because Samurai Jack starts spouting out the obvious again, except in a stupid, i-am-pretty-sure-loki-sucks-forever-let’s-all-hate-him-forever kind of way and Robinhood just can’t believe a word of it.
Obviously this means he’s got a boner for Loki.
So now that I’ve re-hashed the entire beginning of the movie for you because it was enjoyable for me and I don’t give a shit if you liked the fact that I did it or not this is my writing time here if you don’t like get gtfo
I’m going to tell you to pretty much say fuck everything I wrote except the Robinhood-having-boner-for-Loki part. Now they’re in an AU where the coronation was ruined, but things worked out closer to the way Loki wanted and they got caught by Odin before everything got really, really bad, but right after Loki’s arm was all blue and frost giant-y, and Thor just got grounded and Mjolnir is taken away instead of banishment being the hefty punishment because it turned out that most of the giants were just knocked out and not killed and Laufey accepted Odin’s apology and there wasn’t a war.
Yay, now that we have that done, Robinhood is still sporting a boner for Loki, but Xena and the rest of the party are pissed at him for getting them all in trouble. This is the part where Xena still accuses Loki of being jealous and always wanting the throne and all that lame ass crap that she says because she’s kind of a dick for no particular reason maybe Loki filled her armor with some itching powder or something when they were younger and it got up her ass crack and hasn’t all washed out yet or something
Actually no that would piss me off too
If that happened I think I’d be a dick to him for no reason in particular too
If that’s the case, GO WASH YOUR ASS BETTER
If not you’re just a bitch and I’m leaning toward if not.
Robinhood would feel really bad about what everyone’s saying about how nasty and jealous Loki is because he can’t see it
Then he starts spending more time with loki because thor is grounded that they can’t go out and play together and Xena is kind of mean and nasty when she’s pissed off about something and thor is gone and has assumed leadership of the group while he’s gone but all she wants to do is practice or beat him up and Robinhood is just not really okay with being knocked out after the first week is over
loki’s always in the library or out in the stable with odin’s weird, 8-legged horse, and man, what is even up with that? Why is loki always talking to that thing and huggin it and shit what is this why the hell is he so friendly with that horse and the horse is just like “I am okay with this” no really, Robinhood doesn’t get it, I mean, it’s not like he gave birth or something to that monster horse that Odin decided to make his steed right?
Right?
Right.
Because that would be pretty fucking stupid.