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Levi had been sleeping with Eren for over a year. Just that: sleeping.
It started during the winter months, when the temperature dropped so low after the sun sank that Levi thought his blood would freeze right in his veins. People began pairing off to share body heat and blankets, even sleeping in dogpiles. Levi was left out of such arrangements. Not due to spite, but simply because of the natural distance created by his position as a commanding officer. And, he had to admit, probably partly because of his own personality.
Only Eren was presumptuous enough-- or, rather, comfortable enough-- to volunteer himself as Levi’s bedmate.
“I don’t really get that cold, so I haven’t been sleeping with anyone,” he explained. His hands were clasped behind his back in parade rest, shoulders so straight he looked like he was delivering a mission report rather than suggesting they sleep together. Eren was rarely so formal with him anymore. “I think it’s a little strange to sleep with other people anyway. But I wouldn’t mind if it was you.”
It was hardly a compelling argument. But Levi didn’t get much sleep as it was and he was tired of waking up in the middle of the night shivering. Besides, it was Eren asking. Eren, who he’d cooked with and killed with and cleaned with and sparred with and traveled with and nearly died with for years. So Eren spread his bedroll out in the now shared tent and fit the curve of his body to Levi’s. Levi slept through the entire night for the first time in weeks.
But the arrangement continued long after its practicality expired. Spring came and Levi still woke with Eren breathing softly against his neck. Rumors started, of course-- more teasing than malicious, though Levi imagined if anyone had something really nasty to say, they made sure he didn’t hear it. But Eren made no mention of returning to his own tent. And Levi, who had come to relish the inhuman heat of Eren’s skin and the nonsense he mumbled while dreaming, made no effort to end it either. By the time summer arrived and the two of them were sweating together beneath a single thin blanket, the rumors finally died down as the topic ceased to be interesting. After all, they really were just sleeping.
Except, it wasn’t just sleeping. It was also Eren burying his face into Levi’s back when he didn’t want to wake up yet and Levi playing with Eren’s hair as he dozed. It was also Eren massaging Levi’s aching shoulders in the evening and Levi scratching the itchy spots of newly healed skin that Eren couldn’t reach. It was also waking the other up from a nightmare and holding his hand in the dark until they both drifted to sleep again.
It wasn’t just sleeping. Levi didn’t know what it really was, but he liked it and didn’t want it to change.
So when Eren, still sprawled beneath the blankets with his hair pointing in all directions, said, “I need to talk to you about something,” it felt as though someone had dropped a stone into Levi’s stomach. He paused in the middle of buttoning up his shirt and regarded Eren closely. His hands were fisted around the blanket, his eyes averted. Tense. No, not tense. Nervous.
“What is it?” Levi asked, somehow managing to prevent his voice from betraying his own unease.
But before Eren could answer, Hange called from outside the tent, “Levi! Moblit wants you to hurry up, but he’s too polite to say so. Move your old bones!”
“You’re the hag,” Levi shot back, but Hange had already walked away.
Eren stood up-- ducking his head a little to keep it from knocking into the tent’s top-- and finished buttoning Levi’s shirt for him. Levi dropped his hands to his sides and let Eren do it; the cold made Levi’s fingers stiff and numb, so handling the tiny buttons was a tedious chore. “I’ll tell you when you get back,” he said, helping Levi into his heavy winter jacket too. Eren looked relieved for the delay, despite being the one who started the whole thing.
His hands lingered on Levi’s shoulders, a strange gleam in his eyes, and, for one terrible moment, Levi thought Eren was about to lean down and kiss him. But then Eren stepped back and began getting dressed himself. “Have fun with Armin and Moblit.”
=========
Levi did not have fun.
Moblit and Armin were working together to create more accurate maps of the expanded territory. It was the sort of project that would never really be complete, though Levi could see the usefulness of it. But when the two of them got together, talking about topography and scales and relative distances, Levi always wound up zoning out and thinking about what he could be cleaning at the moment.
They needed Levi to help them map out a particular valley nearby because he was one of three people who’d previously traveled through it when it wasn’t buried beneath snow. Eren had been with him, but he’d been either unconscious or delirious for most of the journey. Jean, the third person, was with the division working in the west and not on hand. So that meant it fell to Levi to say, “Those hills were smaller and lumpier,” and “There was a narrow pass over there,” while Moblit and Armin prodded him for more information, more details, what do you mean you don’t remember?
At the time, Levi had been more concerned with Eren’s poorly healing head injury, Jean’s broken arm, and getting all three of them back to the legion alive than pausing to take notes on the valley’s geography. He told Moblit and Armin so, unable to contain his irritation, and the two of them backed off-- for about five minutes.
But it wasn’t really Moblit and Armin’s fault that Levi was feeling so ill-tempered.
I need to talk you about something.
Levi turned the words over and over in his head, trying to recall every detail of Eren’s expression and tone. I need to talk to you about something. That sort of phrase rarely came with good news. Hange had complained to Levi on numerous occasions about conversations that started with variations of We need to talk.
Was Eren… breaking up with him? But that was ridiculous. That wasn’t anything to break up.
...Was there?
Levi stared across the snowed-in valley, shielding his eyes from the sun’s gleaming rays with one hand. He leaned back in his saddle just a little, trying to stay at least somewhat tuned in to Moblit and Armin’s conversation beside him. But his mind was miles away, back with Eren in their tent.
Did they have a relationship? He wasn’t sure. They definitely weren’t fucking or kissing or walking around holding hands like couples usually did. But it didn’t feel right to call Eren his subordinate or comrade or even friend either. There were too many things that were okay with Eren that weren’t okay with Levi’s actual subordinates and comrades and friends. Levi wouldn’t want anyone else shaving him, but somehow with Eren it was fine. He wouldn’t allow himself to complain about his bad ankle to other people, but telling Eren when it was swollen and sore was all right. And the sleeping... Levi wasn’t nearly so comfortable with anyone else.
No, he was going about this all wrong. Eren wasn’t going to break up with him, actual relationship or not. If Eren was planning to put an end to things, his behavior would have changed. He certainly wouldn’t have looked as though he was about to kiss Levi like he did this morning.
Maybe that was it. Maybe--
“Are you all right, Captain?” Armin asked.
“Fine,” Levi muttered. He realized he was scowling and tried to flatten his mouth into a more neutral shape.
Armin didn’t looked convinced. He frowned, but then turned to make a comment to Moblit, who was scratching out the rough outlines of an edited map.
Levi felt restless and wanted to pace, but he was certain that if he dismounted, he’d sink knee deep into the snow. Instead, he squeezed his horse with his calves and clicked his tongue. She responded immediately, trotting through the snow with an eagerness Levi wished he could share. Levi guided the mare in lazy loops, taking care not to move too far away from Moblit and Armin in case they had more questions to ask him. He needed to put some distance between himself and Armin’s perceptive gaze in order to think properly though.
Maybe Eren didn’t just look like he wanted to kiss Levi. Maybe he actually wanted to. Perhaps what he wanted to talk about was turning their weird, not-relationship into a proper one with all the fucking and kissing and walking-around-hand-holding.
Levi rarely thought about those sorts of things in relation to himself. Actually, he preferred not to. He’d certainly never thought about doing those things with Eren, except when the rumors had been making the rounds. But the sleeping together thing was just sleeping. He’d assumed that Eren understood that. Sure, sometimes Levi felt that Eren had an erection, but that was fairly normal for pretty much anyone with a dick. It didn’t have to mean anything; Levi got hard sometimes too and it never meant anything. And when Eren woke up erect, he always scooted away from Levi without making any comment or overture.
But maybe Eren had been holding himself back this whole time and was tired of it. Perhaps what Eren needed to say was that he wanted to start doing those things with Levi.
Levi didn't think he could though. Hand holding was fine in private, but he’d never enjoy going around public clinging to someone. Even kissing might be all right so long as it didn’t turn into something that was not kissing. But fucking? There was no way. The very idea left him feeling cold and gross, like the grimy dregs at the bottom of a mop bucket. He couldn’t make himself want that. But maybe he could fake it if it meant Eren would stay with him.
Stay? They didn’t even a relationship to stay in. Levi was just sleeping with Eren. Just sleeping.
No, that wasn’t really true and Levi knew it.
Levi brought his horse to a stop. There was no point thinking about it when he didn’t know Eren’s side.
“Do you two need me for anything else?” Levi called over to where Moblit and Armin had their heads bent over the map draft.
Moblit looked up. “Well, actually--”
“We’ll be fine,” Armin cut in. “Go ahead and head back, Captain. If we have any more questions for you, we’ll ask you tonight.”
Armin shot a glance at Moblit. Mobilt rubbed the back of his neck and nodded. “Yes, thank you for your help.”
He seemed reluctant to let Levi go, but it was too late. Levi was already directing his mare to turn around and begin the journey back to the encampment.
=========
Of course, since nothing seemed to be going Levi’s way that day, he missed Eren by half an hour.
“I sent him with Mikasa and a few other people to see if that pass five miles south is clear,” Hange said, squinting at a report and scratching the back of their head with a pencil. They needed to get stronger glasses, but that wasn’t exactly a simple errand way out here in the expanded territory. “We’re going to be traveling through that way in a few days, so we need to make sure it’s open.”
Why are you conspiring against me? Levi wanted to ask. First this morning and now this too? But he knew Hange wasn’t doing it on purpose. So instead he sat down across from Hange, began organizing their paper piles in proper stacks and asked, “Do you think Eren wants to fuck me?”
Hange blinked at him owlishly, eyes large behind the lenses of their glasses. “...I’ve got about ten different nosy questions, but I’m gonna be good and say that sounds like something you should be talking about with Eren.”
“He said something weird this morning,” Levi explained, ignoring Hange’s attempt at tact. “And I think he might want to. I don’t know if I should say yes or not.”
Hange leaned backward onto their two rear chair legs. “You don’t want to?” they asked. Levi shook his head. “Then why would you need to think about it? Just say no.”
“I don’t...” Levi clenched his hands into fists and stared down at his white knuckles. He didn’t want to talk about this because it was sticky and private and vulnerable, but he needed some perspective and Hange was the only person he could ask for advice since Eren was involved. “I don’t want things to change. What we have now… maybe it’s kind of strange, but it’s good.” He glanced up at Hange defensively, but they didn’t argue with him. “I don’t want it to change, but… even more, I don’t want it to end. So if that’s what he wants, maybe it’d better just to give it to him. It’s not like it’d kill me to fuck him.”
Hange hummed, chewing on the same end of the pencil they’d been scratching their head with earlier. “What if you end up resenting him though? Wouldn’t that be worse than ending… whatever it is you two have going on?”
Levi thought about that for a moment, then finished straightening the last paper pile and stood up. “I need to find something to do,” he said. “Not your paperwork,” he added when Hange cast a hopeful look at the nearest stack of unfiled reports, and then he wandered off.
Levi chopped firewood, taught three young soldiers how to sew buttons and mend tears, helped prepare ingredients for dinner, and answered all of Moblit and Armin’s questions before Eren finally came back. Levi spotted him walking through camp with Mikasa, wearing the haggard look that always followed long periods of Shifting, but laughing at something Mikasa said. Levi took that to mean that the mission had gone well. Eren felt his gaze and turned towards him, scanning the encampment until his eyes found Levi. Eren smiled, tossed a comment in Mikasa’s direction, and then jogged to meet him.
“You’re late,” Levi said.
“Sorry,” Eren said, sitting down beside Levi. He leaned into Levi slightly and explained, “Everything was snowed in, so it took a while to find the pass. Wasn’t navigable, so I had to clear it.”
“How long did you Shift?” Levi pressed a little more firmly against Eren to take on some more of his weight. Eren wasn’t as warm as usual, which was typical after he’d Shifted for a while.
“About two hours and then another hour later. Mikasa made me take a break in between.”
That was long, though not dangerously so. Levi examined Eren closely. He looked kind of pale, but his hands weren’t trembling. Mikasa would’ve told Levi if Eren had had a nosebleed or anything like that. Just fatigued then. “You better eat and go to bed.”
Eren nodded, but then he said, “I want to talk to you first though.”
“Eat first.” Levi raised one hand to silence Eren’s immediate protest. “I haven’t had dinner yet either.” As much as he wanted to get the dreaded conversation over with, these sort of things mattered more. Levi stood up, intending to go fetch dinner for both of them, but Eren stopped him with a touch to his wrist. “What?”
“You look worried,” Eren said, pressing a finger between his eyebrows. Levi felt his own brow and realized it was furrowed deep. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you stress out all day. What I want to talk about isn’t something bad.”
Levi regarded Eren’s earnest face, wondering if the two of them could possibly have the same definition of bad. “Tell me about it when you don’t look like a breeze will knock you over.”
Eren scoffed that he wasn’t nearly that tired, but Levi was already walking away.
=========
Some of the color returned to Eren’s face after eating, though he was yawning by the time Levi took his dishes away. Eren made it back to the tent under his own power, but once his bedroll was spread out he flopped down onto it like a dead fish.
“C’mon, get your boots off at least,” Levi said. He helped Eren remove his boots and then Eren took over the rest of the undressing. Levi changed for bed as well, though he doubted he’d actually fall asleep anytime soon. He laid down beside Eren anyway, who scooted over to use Levi’s shoulder as a pillow.
“I want to--” Eren broke off to yawn. “I want to talk to you.”
“Right now?”
“Yeah,” Eren mumbled sleepily. “Before I lose my nerve.” His heavy lids slid shut for a few moments, long enough that Levi thought he’d finally drifted off. But then he blinked, turned his head slightly to look Levi in the eye and said, “I heard from Sasha who heard from Connie that the settlement by the sea is going to be ready in a couple of months. Remember how nice that place was?”
It’d been more than three years ago, but Levi did remember. Deep blue water. Salt-scented breeze. When they’d taken off their boots, the sand was warm even though it was barely spring. It’d been a secluded spot, the quiet atmosphere only broken by loud bird cries and crashing waves. The area had been picked for the third set of new human settlements, though it was a bit further away than its neighbors. Due to the additional distance, it was still being developed long after the other settlements from the same batch were finished. Still, as clear as the memory was, he had no idea why Eren was bringing it up now. “Yeah, I remember. What about it?”
Since Eren was curled against him, Levi felt it when Eren took a deliberate, deep breath. He released it slowly, his hot breath brushing against Levi’s skin like a caress. “When we finish this expedition in the fall, will you go with me there?”
That was not what Levi had been expecting, not even close to what he’d been preparing himself for all day. “...To live there, you mean?” he asked.
Eren was still staring right at him, his gaze unwavering. He nodded.
Levi stared back. He slowly sat up, making Eren rise with him until they were both sitting cross-legged. “Eren,” he said, then paused. Perhaps it was a bad question. Still, he needed to know. “Are you asking me to marry you?”
Eren scratched the back of his neck where the ends of his hair fell. His hair was getting long again and Levi would have to trim it soon before Eren starting complaining about it irritating him. This scratch was not for itch relief though; it was a nervous tic. “I don’t really know what I’m doing,” Eren admitted with an awkward little laugh. “I just want to stay with you.”
At Eren’s words, Levi closed his eyes and clenched his hands into fists. I just want to stay with you. He wanted that too, he really did, but--
Eren touched both of his hands. Levi unclenched, realizing his nails had bit into his palms. He opened his eyes when Eren turned his hands over and threaded his fingers though Levi’s. “You don’t have to say yes,” Eren said. “You don’t have to say anything right now.”
Sometimes, Levi really hated how Eren could sound so confident when Levi felt utterly unsure. There was one thing he was certain of though. He had something he needed to talk about with Eren too, something he may have put off for far too long. Since Eren had opened the floor to important but awkward conversations, he might as well say his piece now.
“There’s something I need you to understand,” Levi said, but then he stopped talking. He’d never tried to properly put any of it into words and he didn’t know where to start. The beginning was too foul to allow across his tongue. The middle was too convoluted for speech. And the end… well, there wasn’t an end yet, was there?
Eren’s thumbs swept across the backs of Levi’s hands and Levi decided there was no point to trying to make it sound proper; Eren would listen anyway.
“Other people…” Levi began. “They fall in love and fuck and kiss and whatever. They want that. It just… happens for them. But it doesn’t happen for me.” He glanced up at Eren’s face, trying to gauge his reaction, but Eren just looked tired like before. He hadn't responded yet though, so Levi went on. “It doesn’t matter who the person is… those things don’t happen for me. And I don’t want them. Not even with you. But that doesn’t mean you’re not important to me. I want to stay with you too.” Levi squeezed Eren’s hands, needing him to understand how true his words were, but not sure how to explain it any better. You’re important to me. I want to stay with you. “But not if… not if you need the things I can’t want. The fucking and the… everything else. If you need to have that, I don’t know how this could work out in the end.”
The thought of ending things with Eren made something in Levi’s chest tighten. Since the expeditions into the expanded territory began, people had drifted in and out of Levi’s life as missions elsewhere drew them different directions, injuries sidelined them, and death sent them to their graves. The only constant through the years was Eren and somehow, over time, they’d settled into this thing. It was weird and comfortable and an essential part of his daily life now. Levi didn’t want it to stop. But what Hange had said, that was what he wanted least of all.
He didn’t want to end up hating Eren. If he had to end things to prevent that from happening, then Levi would.
Eren pulled his hands back. Levi let him go, the winter chill suddenly making itself known through goosebumps on his arms. Eren opened his mouth to say something, but Levi couldn’t stop a shudder from creeping up his spine.
Eren frowned. “It’s cold,” he said, as though just remembering this basic fact. He laid back down, hesitated, then lifted the blanket in a clear invitation. After extinguishing the lantern, Levi crawled in with him, pressing his frigid toes to one of Eren’s calves to warm them up again.
After wrapping one arm around Levi’s torso, Eren asked, his voice quiet next to Levi’s ear, “Is it okay when I hold your hand?”
“...It’s fine when we’re alone,” Levi answered.
“And lying together like this?”
“I like it.”
Eren hummed. Despite the darkness, his fingers found the spot on Levi’s temple where his hair was going gray. “Everything else so far has been okay? You like those things?”
His toes were warm again, but Levi didn’t remove them from Eren’s leg. “Yeah,” he said.
Eren carded his fingers through Levi’s hair and cupped the back of Levi’s skull with his broad hand. “That’s what I need,” he said, pressing his forehead to Levi’s. “Everything else doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care about sex and... whatever you want to call it. Couple stuff.”
“You don’t?”
Eren raised his forehead off of Levi’s temple and shook his head. “Nothing has to change, Levi,” he said, then tried and failed to stifle a yawn. Eren let go of Levi to scrub at his tired eyes, adding, “So would you think about it? The sea settlement?”
Levi didn’t need to. He placed one hand on Eren's neck, tracing his collarbone with his thumb. “I’ll go with you.”
Though Levi couldn’t see it in the dark, he could tell that Eren was smiling. He could feel the smile radiating from Eren’s skin. “You’ll stay with me?”
“For as long as you want.”
“You’re gonna be stuck with me for a while then.”
“Good. Now go to bed.”
Eren wound an arm around Levi again and laughed, saying he couldn’t possibly sleep now because he was too happy. But before long, Eren’s breathing evened out and his exhaustion won. Levi, who was still not particularly tired, stayed in Eren’s embrace until his own eyelids grew heavy. As he laid with Eren, listening to his breathing, he imagined a small house by the sea. The salty air. The crying birds. The waves washing back and forth, bringing Eren and Levi to sleep together, just like this.