Work Text:
Remus should have stopped after his second pint. Because his third pint always turned into a fourth, and he really couldn’t handle his liquor after his fourth.
But it was okay! He may feel like his insides were melting and reforming into some chunky, smelly mush, and his heart may be wringing itself dry and shrivelling up at the sight of Sirius Black draped around some muggle girl, but it was okay. Remus was fucking drunk, with his best friends in the entire world, celebrating his triumphant run at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Who cares about Sirius Black, and Remus’ squiggly little entrails, when he had pulled off such a feat?
He was the first werewolf at Hogwarts; the first queer werewolf at Hogwarts (not that anyone knew about those two things). Remus was feeling pretty good about himself. He just made history!
The Gryffindor class of ‘78 had all decided to get pissed in muggle London, following their graduation. To the purebloods, this was a special treat, to the muggle borns and half-bloods, well… it wasn’t as interesting, but it was fucking hilarious to see their friends try to fit in.
“Fitting in a bit too well…” Remus grumbled to himself as he watched Sirius press his smiling mouth to the muggle girl's neck.
Fucking prick.
He had spent the last 4 years in love with Sirius, watching him flaunt girl after girl throughout the halls of Hogwarts. While Remus knew he had no claim to Sirius, knew that he wasn’t some jealous monster or sick perv creeping on his best friend in the dorm room, he did allow himself to feel hurt occasionally. He allowed himself to mourn the relationship that could never be, and revel in the pain of unrequited love.
Sometimes, it felt like Sirius knew about Remus’ queerness. There would be a flirtatious touch, or a suggestive line, something small and nearly unnoticeable that indicated Sirius was on to him. But just as quickly, just as Sirius had all but asked Remus if he was gay, Sirius would flip a switch. He would perform the most obscene display of heterosexuality Remus had ever witnessed, and pretend like Remus was nothing. For example last week, Sirius had cuddled up to him all night, not in Padfoot form, and then spent the rest of the day practically shagging Eliza Moncer on the Hufflepuff dining table. Or like today: Sirius had been hovering around Remus at every moment, fixing his tie, ruffling his hair, pressing up against him right before they went on stage to receive their certificates… all just to come back to the bar and neck some random girl.
Remus gripped his glass a little too hard and took a wild, big gulp.
He was sick of this little routine. And for once, he was going to do something about it. What did he have to lose? Sure, he had plans to move in with Sirius after summer, but that hadn’t happened yet, had it? Remus could perfectly well confess his feelings then cut and run, never facing him or the marauders again.
The thought sobered him, was that really something he could risk? He had the best mates in the world, could he really throw them all away just for a stupid crush?
He saw Sirius poke his tongue out, tasting the girl's skin.
Nope. Not doing this anymore.
He chugged the rest of the beer and took a brave step forward. He couldn’t live like this anymore. Silently watching, waiting. He would finally release his feelings and be free of this torment.
He got halfway to Sirius before he was intercepted.
“Hiya Remus,” Benjy Fenwick said from where he was leaning against a booth, “fancy a smoke?”
“Fuck yes,” Remus sagged, relieved someone had stopped his crusade.
Benjy smiled sweetly, and took his hand, navigating them as they made their way to the exit.
Remus' nerves were buzzing from the decision, but it was a good thing Benjy had stopped him. He couldn’t live without his best mates! He couldn’t live with his Da for the rest of his life! He couldn’t-
He couldn’t.
Thank fuck for Benjy Fenwick and his impeccable sense of timing. He really saved Remus.
Remus spared one glance back at Sirius, only to find the long haired boy staring right back at him through narrow, assessing eyes. The muggle girl was chatting about something, oblivious to Sirius’ lack of interest. Sirius’ harsh blue eyes flicked to where Remus and Benjy’s hands were conjoined, then back up to Remus’ face, his eyebrows pinching involuntarily.
Remus flushed and waved stupidly, which only made Sirius’ face scrunch in discomfort even more. He turned away from Sirius sharply, unable to bear his brute gaze any longer. He tripped over nothing, stumbling down and banging his knee.
“Fuck!” He shouted. He flailed around drunkenly, trying to get back up, when he felt Benjy’s strong hands wrap around his torso and pull him up.
Once Remus had his balance again, he realized Benjy was essentially embracing him, and making no immediate move to pull away. They were torso to torso, thigh to thigh.
Remus' face was a flare spell: bright red and burning, alerting all to his presence.
“Better?” Benjy asked.
Remus nodded mutely, his mouth opening and closing like a fish.
Benjy slowly pulled away, his arms dragging down Remus’ shoulders before trailing down his arms, finding purchase on his hands.
Benjy nodded towards the door.
“Lets go, fags won’t smoke themselves,” Benjy said through a smirk.
Remus followed unthinkingly. Tripping a bit again, but mostly able to walk by himself.
Benjy… well, Benjy was kinda cute, wasn’t he?
He was tall, with chocolate brown hair that swept over his deep brown eyes. He was skinny, skinner than Remus, but from their brief embrace Remus now knew he had all the same, defined chaser muscles James had.
Benjy wasn’t hot, he wasn’t Sirius level, but he was cute. He had a lovely round face that still contained his baby fat, he had a nice button nose and some cute rosy cheeks. He was like a grown up cherub.
He could grow to love Benjy, Remus decided, and unless he was reading the signs wrong, perhaps Benjy could grow to love him too. Well doesn’t this solve the Sirius problem perfectly?
Benjy pulled him onto a bench outside, lighting up two cigarettes. They looked out onto the street, and Remus was only vaguely aware of his surroundings. He knew that the pub entrance was to his left, and Benjy and the parking lot were to his right, and that was about it.
“Weird isn’t it? That this is gonna be our last time all together, in the same room?” he asked Remus.
Remus leaned forward.
“Don’t say that… I’m sure we’ll all see each other loads!”
Benjy hummed and took a puff.
“I’m sure that’ll be the case for you and your Marauders,” he wiggled his eyebrows as he said that, “but I'm not too sure that will be the case for the rest of us.”
Remus looked down at his cigarette, slowly but steadily burning in his hand.
“The.. the marauders aren’t everything…” he looked up at Benjy, making eye contact, “You’re probably right, I don’t think I could get rid of them if I tried, but they’re not the only people who are important to me. You’re important to me too.”
Well that was a lie, Remus had never thought much about Benjy outside of ‘he’s a nice guy and seems to be good at quidditch,’ but Remus thought there was a good chance he’d be getting a snog right now, so he was going to lay it on thick.
Benjy, bless the bastard, knew Remus was putting it on. He raised his eyebrow and smirked.
“Is that so?” Benjy said around his fag.
Remus blushed. He probably shouldn’t have said that, when he really thought about it. But oh well, drunken Remus didn’t really care about the consequences at the moment.
Remus reached out a hand, and placed it daringly on Benjy’s thigh. Not too high, of course, in case Remus was really misreading things.
“I would make time for you, if you asked,” Remus batted his eyes prettily.
This was the boldest he had ever been. Sure, he’d hooked up with a couple of guys over summers, but he’d never been this forward, this open, with a Hogwarts boy.
From nearly confessing to Sirius, to essentially outing himself to Benjy… Remus really should have stopped after his second pint.
“Well aren’t you sweet?” Benjy’s voice was laced with honey.
Might as well go in for the kill, if he was responding so pleasantly.
Remus leaned forward, hovering his lips just inches from Benjy’s, but before he got any closer, Benjy pressed a firm hand on Remus’ chest.
“Aren’t you in love with Sirius Black?” Benjy asked, his voice light, slightly teasing, but meaning the question nonetheless.
“Well, yeah, but only a little bit,” Remus huffed, sitting back and running a hand through his curls.
Wait-
Remus sat up, feeling completely sober. He looked at Benjy with wide eyes.
“What-no. No! I’m not- I wouldn’t- I don’t, No. That’s- ha- no, you’re crazy man. That’s crazy. Me? Sirius? Ha, you’re off your rocker. I would never. He’s so- and I’m so- and I'm not of course. That’s…” Remus slumped down, running his hands over his face. “Am I really so obvious?”
“Fraid so, mate,” Benjy nodded, “but I think the straights haven’t noticed. I only figured it out since I happen to relate to your specific predicament.”
Remus looked at him with inquiry.
Benjy sighed, and nodded back inside.
“Caradoc,” he breathed. He took another pull of his cigarette, and stared ahead, deflated.
“Oh, did you guys ever…” Remus trailed off, when Benjy nodded.
“Word of advice, don’t fuck your best friend if he’s so far in the closest he’s in Narnia.”
Remus turned to look inside the window, trying to spot Sirius in his booth.
“I’ll keep that in mind…” he muttered.
He couldn’t see Sirius anywhere.
“Seriously man, Sirius isn’t worth your time.”
“Bit late for that, isn’t it? I’ve already spent the last 4 years loving him,” he replied distractedly, still trying to find Sirius in the crowd of muggles.
Benjy whistled. “That long?”
Remus nodded and turned back to face him.
“I tried not to. But going through puberty while sharing a room with the hottest guy at Hogwarts does not make moving on easy,” he chuckled, “but really, if you knew all the things he did for me… you wouldn’t even question it. Just makes sense in my brain. After all we’ve been through, it seems impossible that I could ever not be in love with him.”
Benjy smiled wryly.
“I get the feeling.”
They finished their cigarettes in silence, both lost in their thoughts. Remus was staring across the street, watching the cars speed by. He turned back to Benjy to say something, to thank him for talking, when he spotted him, or more it.
“Padfoot?” He gasped.
“What’s that?” Benjy asked, not having heard Remus’ utterance.
“Has that dog been there the entire time we’ve been out here?”
Remus asked in a panic.
Benjy scowled and looked behind him, where the dog was staring diligently at the two of them.
“Er… I think so? I dunno mate.”
“Fuck!” Remus breathed.
“Remus? Are you okay? What’s wrong? Just breathe, mate, breathe!”
Benjy was holding on to Remus tightly, but Remus couldn’t think about anything besides the massive black dog that sat only a few feet away, definitely within hearing distance.
Sirius, that spying bastard, had heard everything. And now he was just sitting there, taunting Remus, when he knew Remus loved him. Fuck, fuck, buggering fuck.
Remus pushed Benjy aside.
“I, uh, I’m fine Benjy. Thank you, for everything, really,” he was gasping, barely able to breathe, “I’m gonna go pet that dog. You should go inside.”
“Remus, mate, I really don’t think I should leave you alone-”
“No, no! I won’t hear of it! Go back and enjoy the party, Benjy. I am a-okay.”
He stood, pulling Benjy up with him, and started pushing Benjy towards the door.
“Alright, alright, I’m going!” Benjy threw his hands up with a laugh, “Just come find me, if you need anything okay? You’re freaking me out.”
Remus nodded quickly.
“Yes. Will do. Off you go now!”
Benjy shook his head in amusement and went inside. Remus collected his breath for a few moments before pivoting and striding towards Padfoot.
“Are you happy now?” He yelled, “happy you left your muggle bird to come stalk me? Happy to find out your best mate is a flaming homosexual? Huh?”
Padfoot cowered under his harsh voice.
“Are you happy you robbed me of my one secret? I can’t believe you! I’m allowed to talk to people in privacy, I’m allowed to have a life that doesn’t exist around you! Could you really not let me have that? Have one moment alone?”
Padfoot whimpered, and Remus quieted.
“Change back, Padfoot, I’m not having this conversation with you like this.”
But Padfoot didn’t transform. He just stared at Remus with those big, worried eyes.
“Really Sirius? Change. Back,” he grit out.
Still nothing.
Tears threatened to overwhelm Remus.
“Really? You can’t even face me? Is it really so bad?” Remus choked out.
“You know, I’ve imagined coming out to you so many times, and even when I pictured the worst possible scenario, I never really thought you would actually treat me poorly. I never thought you would actually ignore me, refuse to talk to me,” he sobbed.
He got to his knees, pleading with Padfoot.
“I’m sorry for loving you, Padfoot. I’m sorry you had to live with some pathetic queer thirsting over your every move. I- I’m horrible. I never meant to let it get this far” he whispered, “please don’t hate me forever. You don’t know what that’ll do to me. I, I love you Sirius. Honest and true. And I don’t just love you ‘coz you're Sirius Black, ‘coz you're rich and smart and handsome, I love you in spite of that. I love you when you’re angry and upset, I love you when you're mischievous and playful, I love you when you're sweet and sensitive. I love you all the time, in all the ways. I'm sorry that I've ruined our friendship, but I just hope you’ll keep that in mind before you ice me out of your life forever.”
Remus fell forward on his palms, as he breathed deep gasp after deep gasp. Padfoot got up and started licking the tears away. The movement made Remus notice something, something he hadn’t seen before. A thin green leash attached to the dog's collar, tied to the post they were sitting near.
Remus stared at the dog, Padfoot’s exact copy, who stared right back, lapping at his tears in earnest.
“You’re not-” he cut himself off, laughing maniacally. Relief flooding through his system. He sat back. Thank Merlin and Morgana and everything good-
“Moony?”
Remus whipped around to see Sirius standing behind him, looking like he’d just seen a boggart.
“What were you just saying to that dog?” Sirius whispered. His eyes were bugging out, they looked frantic, a little scared.
“Um… nothing. Just shooting the breeze and all that.”
“No, you were definitely saying something. Something important.”
Sirius took a step forward, his face neutralizing. He wagged an accusing finger at Remus.
“I heard you, Moony.”
Remus huffed and got to his feet.
“I was having a private conversation with my good canine friend over here. I don’t think it’s any of your business.”
“Oh, I think it is my business.”
Remus was starting to sweat. What had Sirius heard? Did he know the specifics, or had he just heard Remus’ voice?
“Sirius Black!” he went on the defensive, “it is quite rude to listen in on people’s conversations! I expected better from you.”
He stuck up his nose and strolled past Sirius, heading towards the bar. He could salvage this.
“It’s not eavesdropping if you’re shouting for the whole block to hear!” Sirius cried, hands thrown in the air with exasperation.
So he had heard, then.
“Say it again Remus, please,” Sirius begged, “I want to hear you tell me.”
Remus' shoulders tensed. Honestly, fuck Sirius Black for making him go through this.
Remus ignored Sirius’ pleas, walking towards the bar with determination.
“You said you love me!”
Remus whipped around.
“Who I do and do not love is none of your concern, Sirius Black,” Remus spat.
Sirius ran a hand through his hair and laughed in manic disbelief.
“It is when you’re talking about me.”
“I really don’t agree,” Remus sniffed.
“Really? So you being in love with me has nothing to do with me? Is that right?”
Remus nodded stiffly.
“How do you reckon that? I think I deserve to know, given it’s me you fancy.”
“It doesn’t involve you. My crush is my crush, it belongs to me. I don’t see why I should bother you about it.”
“Clearly,” Sirius gritted.
The fight was quickly leaving Remus. Mostly, he just felt confused. What were they even talking about?
“Okay. So we’re good then?”
“Oh, we are more than good, Moony.”
Remus looked at him curiously. Sirius looked haggard, like he was on the edge of a mental breakdown.
“Er… okay… Well, I’m going back inside now. Let’s just pretend we never spoke about this, yeah? I’m sure I’ll get over it soon enough. Not like I have to see you every second of every day anymore, right? Just give me a few months, and I’m sure I’ll have moved on.”
Sirius was looking at him furiously, jumping up and down on the back of his heel. He was positively radiating energy.
It was all too much, for Remus, too strange. With one last nod, he turned himself around and made for the entrance, but was stopped right as he touched the door handle.
“Circe’s tits, Remus!” Sirius growled before pouncing on Remus.
He turned Remus around, and shoved him against the door. Remus closed his eyes tightly, ready for a fist, but instead he was met with a hurried, glorious kiss.
Remus immediately kissed back, pulling Sirius even closer, tangling his fingers into Sirius’ hair, into his shirt. Sirius kissed like he fought, like how he pranked, breathed, like how he existed. It was fierce, determined, celebratory, passionate, careless, sensitive, aggressive. It was so, so many things, Remus was lost to it. He couldn’t make sense of it, so he decided to just keep kissing until he couldn’t anymore. Sirius’ kiss was one of love, one of sweet tenderness and burning fire. It was everything. Remus had never been kissed like this in his life. It was all consuming. He lost sense of space, of time, of himself. It wasn’t until the door opened and pushed the knob tightly into Remus’ back, that he was brought crashing back down to earth.
“You didn’t have to do that,” Remus whispered as they moved out of the way of the exiting customers.
“What?” Sirius barked. Remus could feel his intense gaze boring into his skull, but Remus refused to meet it.
“It was nice of you to try and give me that. You kissed me so I would understand you’re not a bigot, that you accept me even if I am grossly in love with you- and that’s a nice way of showing it but-”
“Oh. My. God. Remus.” Sirius grabbed Remus chin and forced Remus to look at him. Remus couldn’t help but smile a little, he always loved hearing Sirius use muggle curses. Especially knowing that he taught them to him.
“Do you really think your straight best mate would kiss you like that just to show I accepted you?”
Remus shrugged.
“Well, James kissed me after finding out I was a werewolf so…”
“What?” Sirius spluttered, his eyes bugging out again.
“Yeah? Didn’t he tell you? He like, fully snogged me in third year to show me he, and I quote, ‘had no problem living or sleeping with a werewolf’”
“He said that? Did he try to sleep with you?!”
Remus chuckled, reflecting on the memory, completely forgetting about Sirius and how close he was for a moment.
“No, no I think he meant literally sleeping. You know, we were all still in that phase where we were sharing beds every other night, so I think that’s what he was talking about. But now that you mention it, it is a bit strange that he snogged me, isn’t it? Full tongue and everything too. Lasted a good while as well. Don’t really know how that said anything about his stances on werewolves… but I suppose I didn’t mind too much when he was awakening my sexuality.”
Sirius gaped openly at him.
“James was your sexual awakening?” Sirius seemed truly appalled by the thought.
“Well, no. I already had a crush on someone else…” Remus blushed and coughed, breaking eye contact with Sirius, “but he was my first kiss with a boy, so it kinda confirmed my suspicions when I enjoyed it.”
“That cheeky bastard,” Sirius said with bite, “he knew I liked you at that point, and he still snogged you?”
“He was just-” Remus cut himself off as he fully took in Sirius’ words. He looked at Sirius in shock. Sirius wore an infuriatingly handsome smile.
“You’re not the only one who’s been harbouring a crush, Moons. Mind you, I didn’t realize it myself ‘til sixth year, but James definitely knew back then. He’s always been much keener at picking up these kinds of things than I am.”
“But, all those girls! You were literally just with one tonight!”
“I wasn’t with her,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “but you must understand Moony, I thought I was hopelessly in love with my straight best mate! Thought I’d die a closeted queer! You can’t blame me for trying to move on… even if I never was very successful.”
“But- But…” Remus tried to come up with excuses, tried to find the fault in Sirius’ logic, but he couldn’t. He locked eyes with Sirius. “You love me?” he asked quietly.
Sirius grinned.
“Like the moon loves the stars.”
Remus blushed.
“Good.” He said, looking down as he nudged his foot into Sirius’.
“Yeah?” Sirius asked, ducking down to meet Remus’ eyes again.
“Yeah,” he confirmed, face red as a tomato.
“I love you Moons, let's head inside so I can announce to the world that you’re my boyfriend,” Sirius smiled, then, as an afterthought, “and so I can pummel Potter’s arse.”
“Please don’t pummel anyone’s arse except mine,” Remus blurted.
A surprised laugh tore through Sirius.
“Moony, you dog!”
Remus wanted to die. He was already ruining this.
“This is going to be so much fun,” Sirius cackled, slinging his arm around Remus, and kissing him soundly.
He pulled away with a wink, and dragged him back into the bar.